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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Or should I just suck it up?

110 replies

Ilovemuesli · 21/03/2019 09:47

Background:
My partner has 3 kids with his ex-wife (1 biologically his - DSD, 2 step-children), we have 1 child together.

DSD is sick at the moment, so is at our house for the day, as my partner is a stay at home dad & I go to work full time. Her mum is at work

My partner normally does 50/50 with regards to school runs for all the children but today he is not wanting to venture out to pick his stepkids up from school as DSD is really not well. Instead he has asked me to come out of work to collect the stepkids from school, drop them off at our house and then go back to work

I have a really busy afternoon at work, packed with meetings and project work I really need to get finished (off topic.. but it's Brexit related... eerrrggghhhh!) It would mean me leaving work at about 2:30, driving to school and home, then driving back to work to get there at about 4pm

I have asked if his ex could come out of work and pick them up from school, then I will pick them up on my way home at 6 and bring them to our house (they are due to stay tonight) but apparently she has taken too much time out of work this week with her kids being ill.

AIBU in thinking this is not my responsibility? Obviously I don't want the DSD getting even more poorly, but at the same time I don't want to set a precedent of leaving work at the drop of a hat e.t.c

Or should I just suck it up and go and pick them up? Am I being precious?

OP posts:

Treaclesweet · 21/03/2019 11:06

I wouldn't do it. Surely it is for his ex to arrange for someone to do it. She must have other people that she uses?

SleepingStandingUp · 21/03/2019 11:09

Surely it is for his ex to arrange for someone to do it
But it isn't. It's Dads turn today. If OP and DP break up, and one day he can't organise collection of their child, it wouldn't be OK to say its OP's responsibility.

Whether he let's his daughter vomit on the bus, calls a mate, orders a taxi, leaves them there til tomorrow - its HIS responsibility. And by extention IF it is feasible, reasonable for his partner to help.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 21/03/2019 11:10

Nothing useful to add but as an aside...

As a British Taxpayer, if you're working on anything to do with Brexit, I want you chained to your desk without even a toilet break or sleep until it's sorted one way or the other

As you were.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 21/03/2019 11:19

Sleeping - have you missed the part where he isn't actually the df? He has no responsibility. He has to his dw though. She needs to earn a living to support her dc...

ShambolicUsername · 21/03/2019 11:21

Lot of nasty people in here.

I'm wondering if the people telling OP to sack off the kids and make the mother deal with the issue would be quite so happy to accept a situation where their own partner had decided he was too preoccupied to go and pick up their child during one of his days to look after them. I suspect they'd be ranting in their own thread right now.

My own view is, if it's possible to do it then you should. If you can both afford a taxi then that's a possibility, however you're then putting faith into someone you don't know to get to the school and pick them up without complication, as I'm going to expect that the DSD is too ill to be getting ferried back and forth in a taxi with OH.

chickensub · 21/03/2019 11:26

@Easterbunnyiscomingsoon he is the df if he has raised them, treats them as his, loves them and gives a shit about them.

Bookworm4 · 21/03/2019 11:31

Nasty nasty people on here with the comments of not even his child etc, family isn't just biological, my kids were brought up by a step dad and he is their Dad. You can ask a taxi company to collect as many do council funded school transport runs and the drivers have enhanced disclosures/PVG, I would arrange this or DH take DD in a taxi to school and back.

TatianaLarina · 21/03/2019 11:34

No he gets a friend, family member or neighbour to mind the child while he does the school run. Surely he has emergency childcare options?

The point of having a SAHP is that they deal with issues such as these so the working partner is not impacted.

Why is he doing only 50/50 when he’s the SAHP?

Ellisandra · 21/03/2019 11:48

It’s his responsibility, not yours - and not his XW’s because it’s his day.

Doesn’t matter that they are not biologically his - they are (it sounds like) legally “a child of the family” - that is, he has taken them on. And good for him not ditching them on divorce!

First port of call should be their mum - but she can’t.

If you were free, of course you’d help him out. But you’re not.

If his biological daughter is 7, surely the oldest of his stepchildren is at least 10? For the future, time to consider practising walking home themselves, in case of emergencies.

For today, the answer is simple - ring around other parents and if no go, arrange a taxi pick up.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 21/03/2019 11:53

YANBU to say no I can’t get away from work today.

A taxi can be arranged and the DCs will probably see it as an adventure. It’s an obvious solution.

cuppycakey · 21/03/2019 11:55

Yes shambolic but I would certainly not expect my XPs new DP to risk her own employment by asking to take so much time off work to collect them. I would expect my X to sort it out and any ranting would be directed at him, not her. I cannot understand why the children's mother would think it's OK for her not to risk her job by taking time off to collect, but it's OK for OP to do exactly that? Maybe she doesn't think that at all and it's just the DP who is suggesting this?

queenqueenqueen · 21/03/2019 11:56

This would really annoy me so I don't think you are BU at all, but think on this occasion you'll have to do it. xx

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 21/03/2019 11:56

Will the op also be expected to be financially supporting them? And her dps?? Seriously, he needs to make the arrangements. Op is at work ffs.
Does the dm not have dps? Or a dp? He may have dps who could collect?

JemSynergy · 21/03/2019 12:03

I would do it, he has taken on the children so they are his. Therefore, I would do it to help out my husband. If I couldn't get out of work then I think I would have no option but to discuss an arrangement with ex wife.

Nairobe · 21/03/2019 12:07

I would do it. If it was a cold or something, your dp could do it. A stomach bug, something contagious, no way. You are his partner so should help given it's your families day to have them.

You will probably all end up with the bug too so if you can work from home this week i would prep for it.

Nairobe · 21/03/2019 12:09

Another option is a cab?

Gooseygoosey12345 · 21/03/2019 12:09

I honestly wouldn't, but then I wouldn't expect DH to come out of work for that either. There must be another option.

TooManyBiscuitsNotEnoughTea · 21/03/2019 12:15

It is absurd that you are expected to pick up children that aren't even related to your DP. However, he doesn't drive so it is unlikely he could pick them up via public transport. Can a taxi be paid for?

Maybe do it this time but warn him he needs to have other options put in place. Children are sick often

Alsohuman · 21/03/2019 12:18

I’d do it because there’s no real alternative and families pull together - or at least they used to.

Chocolateisfab · 21/03/2019 12:19

Can't see their biological df pulling together? Or the dm's family...
Why op?

Ellisandra · 21/03/2019 12:21

How come both boys have different dads, when they’re twins? (possible for non-ID but pretty bloody rare!)

cuppycakey · 21/03/2019 12:22

There is a real alternative - their mother or stepfather picks them up! Or their father? He doesn't get a mention so maybe he is completely absent? Or a taxi.

Plenty of alternatives to OP having to take 1 - 2 hours off work on a really busy day. In any case her manager may refuse it.

Original poster

Ilovemuesli · 21/03/2019 12:24

Thanks everyone for your input! I'm glad I'm not coming off as unreasonable... I didn't think I was but I did start to doubt myself.

Have decided I will go and pick them up, as other posters have said, in the name of peace & harmony, (from our side at least.... we don't get the same courtesy most of the time from the ex-wife.... but that's another story :) ) I really don't want DSD being taken outside with a vomiting bug, on the bus/taxi & I would feel awful if they were sick on the way there/back and I could have prevented it. Not DSD's fault that this has happened :(

I will however, be booking some more driving lessons for DP next week :) haha :)

@Charlotte - I have been chained to desk for weeks as part of Brexit! :) Another reason to take a break I suppose :)

OP posts:

lyralalala · 21/03/2019 12:26

Some of the comments on here about the biology of the children are horrible.

If they are viewed by him as his children and he is viewed by them as their dad then they are his kids and just as much a part of the package as the DSD.

OP if you’d come out of work for your DSD then you should do it for the other kids.

If your work is so busy/important today that you wouldn’t be able to for her either then you need to tell him to make other plans.

If you are making a distinction between the kids then that’s not on. It’s your DP’s day for his kids so he needs to sort it, not back it bat to the mother because the kids biology is suddenly important when it’s inconvenient for them to be his.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 21/03/2019 12:27

Does he know any of the other parents at school? There must be someone he or his ex could ask to drop the dc home for him.

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