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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Or should I just suck it up?

110 replies

Ilovemuesli · 21/03/2019 09:47

Background:
My partner has 3 kids with his ex-wife (1 biologically his - DSD, 2 step-children), we have 1 child together.

DSD is sick at the moment, so is at our house for the day, as my partner is a stay at home dad & I go to work full time. Her mum is at work

My partner normally does 50/50 with regards to school runs for all the children but today he is not wanting to venture out to pick his stepkids up from school as DSD is really not well. Instead he has asked me to come out of work to collect the stepkids from school, drop them off at our house and then go back to work

I have a really busy afternoon at work, packed with meetings and project work I really need to get finished (off topic.. but it's Brexit related... eerrrggghhhh!) It would mean me leaving work at about 2:30, driving to school and home, then driving back to work to get there at about 4pm

I have asked if his ex could come out of work and pick them up from school, then I will pick them up on my way home at 6 and bring them to our house (they are due to stay tonight) but apparently she has taken too much time out of work this week with her kids being ill.

AIBU in thinking this is not my responsibility? Obviously I don't want the DSD getting even more poorly, but at the same time I don't want to set a precedent of leaving work at the drop of a hat e.t.c

Or should I just suck it up and go and pick them up? Am I being precious?

OP posts:

1CantPickAName · 21/03/2019 10:15

If he would normally be doing the school pick up today then it is his responsibility to sort out collection of the kids. I would do it as it’s helping your husband out and that’s what families do. Also, for the sake of harmonious relations

BlackCatSleeping · 21/03/2019 10:16

If you can possibly leave work for a few hours, then do so and stay late to make it up. If it’s really impossible for you to do so then he will somehow have to manage. It sounds like a genuine emergency rather than setting a precedent.

mrsk28 · 21/03/2019 10:18

Their mum needs to leave work and pick up her children unfortunately. Not your problem if she has already taken time off this week.
Her work can't suffer but yours can? And the sick child can't be dragged around in a taxi or on a bus so the mother can stay at work.

I would say you've looked at everything you need to do and it's just not feasible today.

Margot33 · 21/03/2019 10:19

No I would not do it, they are not my children. Next time just say my boss was not happy. It's the parents responsibility to sort out childcare. Save your time off for your children. Could your husband ask a neighbour to sit with your child while he does the school run?

AuntieCJ · 21/03/2019 10:19

Not your problem. Their DM has to sort this, they aren't your DH's DCs.

Line in the sand time.

icelollycraving · 21/03/2019 10:20

Would you do it if it was his boilogical daughter?
How do you all get on? I would worry that it would set a precedent. So their mum’s work is more important than yours?
Taxi is best bet. I understand he doesn’t want to take her on a bus.

ScatteredMama82 · 21/03/2019 10:20

I would do it. I know they're not your kids, nor are they his (biologically) but it sounds like he is their Dad, so instead of looking at them as different to DSD I think you need to seem them as his kids and forget the biology! With that in mind, they are all part of your blended family so if you can help so he doesn't need to drag out a puking/squitting child then why wouldn't you?

Eliza9917 · 21/03/2019 10:22

I wouldn't do it. They have their father, mother, grandparents, possibly aunts & uncles, and the parents friends who are all more 'related' than you. Why is your time deemed less important than all of those people?

ChuckleBuckles · 21/03/2019 10:25

Would his ex-wife take time out of her work to collect your child?
that is not gaody by the way (well, it is a little) but how close are you all and do you all jump in for each other in a crisis/emergency?

I think this is DP issue to sort, he is the SAHP and should not expect you to leave work when he could sort something.

DisappearingGirl · 21/03/2019 10:26

Just to say I think it is lovely that you and your DH treat his step-DC the same as his biological DC and that he continues to be a dad to them.

As to this one occasion - if it's a one-off I would probably do it if you possibly can - it would be awful if DSD was ill on the journey. If it's a recurrent thing and you felt their mum was taking the mick then I think it would be fair to say, sorry I can't get out of work (and presumably this could apply equally whether it was DH's biological DC or not).

cuppycakey · 21/03/2019 10:28

No fucking way would I do this.

Petalflowers · 21/03/2019 10:30

If you consider step-kids to be an integral part of your family, then I would do it as a one-off, especially if mum really would find it difficult to collect them, rather than just being awkward.

Scattered sums up what I feel.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/03/2019 10:31

They aren't related to you or him so I I would expect their natural parent to help out. What about their dad!? they are related to him - they're his step children. Not everyone turns their back on the famy kids the minite he doesn't love the Mum anymore.
Bravo on OP's DH for knowing being a Dad is about more than blood.

OP if it is possible then I'd do it. No one wants to take a kid with a tummy bug on the bus where she's possibly going to puke or poo herself. The soiling charge in a taxi is about £50. It's your partner who is due to do the kids pick up today so you're ping HIM not the ex wife. Just tell him categorically it's a one off, youve had to plead with work and he's DEFINATELY cooking dinner

SleepingStandingUp · 21/03/2019 10:33

I think this is DP issue to sort, he is the SAHP and should not expect you to leave work when he could sort something. it's his responsibility to he can't make the ex do it, and the alternative is an 8 up with a STOMACH BUG on PUBLIC TRANSPORT. Ew. Do you never do your partner a favour when he's stuck even though it might put you out a bit??

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 21/03/2019 10:34

I wouldn't do it. They're the ex wife's responsibility, not yours. Why should you take time out of work for her kids if they're not even your DH's? I doubt she'd do it for you.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/03/2019 10:38

They're not the ex's responsibility though today, it's Dads responsibility today. So hses heeling her partner.

The would she do it for you is irrelevant. Neither the ex or the ex's possible partner have an responsibility towards OP's kids
They aren't in any way a parent.

OP's partner has 4 children.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/03/2019 10:39

I would say that in this situation you shouldn't.

I would be totally ok with helping out if it was feasible in an emergency and I totally wouldn't mind that message being given.

I would not be ok with being really inconvenienced in this way - you really cannot spare this time without looking bad at work and having to make up time - his ex has taken 'too much' time off? So she can't possibly put her job more at risk/look bad, so it's your turn to have a black mark? Just no. I would want to give a clear message here that I'm happy to help out when it's possible but that won't always be possible - and that this is one of those times. There is a boundary.

I would suggest he arranges a taxi and contacts the school to see if his step children can be escorted to the taxi.

GlossyTaco · 21/03/2019 10:47

I do wish people would stop saying that this girl isn't even the husband's responsibility. She clearly his daughter , even if he's not her biological father.

Steamedbadger · 21/03/2019 10:49

Surely there must be a parent at school that you or DP could beg a favour from?

lola006 · 21/03/2019 10:50

OP, what would your DH do if you worked an hour away, or were a surgeon in theatre during pick up time? Surely he needs a plan for when you or his ex-w can’t collect the boys - a taxi company, a friend, family member... with 4 DC I’m guessing this could happen frequently enough that it’s not just a one-off.

But with that said, if all adults involved get on well and you view his 3 DC as family then I would go collect them this time.

PregnantSea · 21/03/2019 10:50

Sounds to me like you simply don't have the time as your work schedule is so tight, so it sort of negates the whole should you/shouldn't you question. If your work commitments don't allow for you to leave this afternoon then you'll just have to tell him that you can't do it.

Is there really no other way for the kids to get home from school? How old are they? Can they walk? Can they go to a friend's or some sort of after school club? Can your DP not ask another parent from school to drop them off, or can he arrange a taxi for them and then pay when they arrive?

Just seems like there are many other options here that make more sense.

EveryYouEveryMe · 21/03/2019 10:52

Whenever I was too ill to get my DC to school I would either arrange a taxi to bring DC home or get another parent to do it.

Is a taxi to drop them from school to home a viable option? it would be the one of least impact to everyone.

School can help facilitate this if your DH asks.

chickensub · 21/03/2019 10:53

I'd do it. The kids not being his biologically has nothing to do with it. He treats them the same so you need to too.

Eliza9917 · 21/03/2019 10:56

How old are they? Could he send a cab to the school for them?

WeeDangerousSpike · 21/03/2019 11:03

Can he ring school and arrange for them to be released to a taxi driver?

Or is there a school friends parent that lives nearby that can bring them to yours?

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