Am I being unfair to mil?

[franktheburger]

Nc and posting this here as I know I will get honest feedback (if somewhat brutal 😂)

Bit of backstory-
I am due a baby in a few weeks. First baby, obviously quite excited :-)

I have an incredibly poor relationship with ILs (particularly MIL who I have posted about on here before and been told to go NC with). Because baby is on the way I have been trying to build a better relationship with her but this has been difficult as she seems to want to forget the past and act as if we are very close. Silly things like building a nursery at her house (yes BUILDING- small extension), buying lots of creams and stuff she says I will use and bottles (I would like to exclusively breast feed but admittedly she would not know this as we have never had the conversation other than her saying breast feeding will mean she cannot have baby overnight).

Anyway! Mil mentioned to dh a few weeks ago that she would like to help us now I am off on maternity and said it again maybe 3 times after this initial conversation. She specifically said she would like to pay for something (don't want to say what as it is outing but it was some work we needed done to the house). Dh said that would be very kind and that was that. The work has now been completed and we have paid the builders. Mil has not mentioned paying for the work again. She knows the work is complete. Dh speaks to mil every other week or so and has said it has not been mentioned but that she will be waiting for us to ask for the money. Apparently she has said a few times that if we need anything we must just ask. She has also now text me tonight saying I must rest and that if we need anything to ring her and she will provide.

I do not think we should ask for the money and should pretend it never came up. In my opinion mil could just give us the money if she really wanted to help. I am probably being unreasonable but I find it frustrating that she knows that the money would be very helpful but that she keeps saying we must ask for it? I feel like because our relationship is quite frankly crap we should pretend the money was never mentioned.

To be clear I do not in any way think I am entitled to this money. It is her money and frankly I think it would be held over us anyway. I am just annoyed at the constant saying 'oh if you need anything just ask' when she knows it would be a great help but that we probably won't ask? Does that make sense? My own parents have given us some money in a very casual way for which I am incredibly grateful. I feel I am letting my past with mil cloud this whole situation a bit and so would like some honest feedback :-)

Please don't flame me too much!! 🙈

Just tell her matter of factly that the building work is complete and the builders have been paid. Let her know the total cost - if she then offers the money great, if she doesn't then she doesn't. No begging involved.

I would leave it. I think you are better off with our her money if she is going to play ridiculous games over it.

Yikes! That’s quite an awkward one! I’m with you though, I couldn’t bear to ask when she will know fine well the money would have been due. I can’t understand why at that point she didn’t just say “Remember this is my treat” or “here’s £X to go towards the cost of....”
I also find the offer of help hard, and I know my MIL is desperate to help so again understand that. We visit them fairly often, but the thought of anyone doing my housework for me brings me out in a cold sweat, and I like spending time with DC, they’re actually good company and not a handful at all, so I’m always stumped for ideas that she could “help” with!

@anniehm she definitely knows it's done and the cost as she has seen the work.

@Stompythedinosaur yes I feel that we should leave it now. In my mind the ball is in her court. She knows the money would be helpful to us so it's her choice whether she gives it or not.

@Thistles24 so bizarre isn't it! We have a very tense relationship with them so I think things like this I'm even more 🤨. The money I mentioned in my OP was my parents paid for our baby furniture and pram. They said oh we would like to buy you that, I said thanks very much and the money was in my account later that week. Surely that's how it goes?

Only on MN have I heard of GPs demanding babies to stay with them over night minus the babies own parents....is it a thing?!

Anyway. Look at this as you don't need the money, and frankly you'd rather not she dangle it over your head anyway. So write it off.

Just tell her from now on, that youll let her know if u need anything. Before she swoops in and says it

Ignore her plans. And enjoy motherhood x

I would leave it. You may find her holding it over you further down the line

@OxeyeDaisy honestly I could write a book 😩 she does have some form for this as she has offered money before for our wedding, not given it, then about a year after the event asked why we never asked for it? We didn't get that either 🧐

Dh says she thinks our relationship is better than it is but I can't see how? We were all barely on speaking terms before I was pregnant and now she is very full on again. I am aware she is very excited but she has crossed a lot of boundaries this pregnancy that I have turned a blind eye to. I am starting to regret this with the imminent arrival of baby.

@BunsOfAnarchy yes I've replied to her text tonight saying thank you for the offer and left it at that. The overnight thing is ridiculous, we have not stayed there overnight in 8 years (for a multitude of reasons but the main one being that I am made to feel very unwelcome) yet now she has made an entire nursery for baby to stay 🤨

@cholemol this is a worry of mine

Is she on some sort of power trip and wants ye to ask her for the money?
Is it possible she has completely forgotten her offer?
I think I would get on with things and not bother mentioning it again.

@Mrsbclinton I don't think she has forgotten the offer no, I think she wants us to ask her so she feels needed but we do not have that relationship because of the past. I do think she is quite jealous of the relationship my family have with us. Dh will often pop in to see my family (my parents and siblings and nieces and nephews) without me whereas we have very little to do with their side.

I won't be mentioning the money to her and neither will dh. I am just annoyed and I guess frustrated that everything is hard work with them. I have concerns that I am overly critical about mil and just wanted to check I am not. I have considered going to see a councillor to discuss all of my feelings as I am at the stage where I feel anxious and physically sick when we have to see them.

Dh would like us all to sit down and have an open conversation before baby is here about expectations. However I am worried mil will minimise things and say we have all moved on from the past. For example I know if I say I find her texting every week telling me what to be doing in my pregnancy then she will say she is just concerned for me. I know she does not like me and so just feel like rent a womb.

I think my post may have spiralled a bit as I guess my issues are a lot deeper than some money... 😩 sorry!

Its sad that she is using money as a way of buying affection and gain some sort of control in your relationship.
I think keeping her at arms length is probably the best way to deal with her as she will more than likely use her grandchild in the same way.

I think I would reply something like 'We don't actually need anything, thank you, we are able to provide for our child. Should you want to help with your Grandchild, feel free to do so, but we have no need to ask'.

Mention in passing that your parents have paid for the building work at yours...as if you’ve forgotten that she offered.

do yourself a favour do not mention the money. Its purely a way to buy her way in. Also don't let her bully about having the baby to stay. it was her idea to build an extension and most likely it will be used to sway opinion. It doesn't actually matter. What she does now that differs from the past does. If it means waiting till the child is 3/4 years or old to stay (if there is ever an overnight stay at all) then that's on her. Never feel you have to give your child over to anyone. blood or not.

I think once baby is here you are likely to massively fall out over her expectations for overnights, lack of understanding of breastfeeding and the fact she has actually built a nursery at her own house (FFS!)

So the fewer financial ties you have to her the better as she will just hold them over you to guilt you.

I'd pretend you never heard the offer of money and leave it. All her money will come with massive strings attached.

Building a nursery extension. Wow, never heard of that because.

I wouln’t Mention the money, unless you really need it, unless it comes naturally in conversation.

Considering you are not best buddies with mil, the nursery extension would concern me, as it implies she wants an active (ie dominant) role on bring up baby. Put in boundaries from the word go, and don’t let her babysit for an hour or night, until you feel comfortable with it, whether that will be after a few weeks, months or years (or never).

It’s good that you are trying to build a better relationship with mil.

One other bit of advice, when you have a baby, you do find that all and sundry like to give you advice who how to bring baby up, including mil. The best advice I got was to only listen to one or two trusted friends, and for the rest, be polite and thank them for their advice, saying you wil certainly consider it, and then carry on doing things how you want.

Thanks to everyone for the advice :) I am concerned we will have a massive fall out as baby will certainly not be staying over and they will not be babysitting (at least not unless things drastically change in the next few years!). Currently we see them every couple of months (if we make the effort) but mil clearly thinks this will change as she has mentioned buying clothes for her house. I think this is craziness as newborns grow so quickly and even if we did have a better relationship we would bring his own clothes with us surely?

I don't know how to handle it all in all honesty. That's why I think a counsellor might help me to make some form of sense of everything. I want the relationship to improve as I know dh loves them (even though he too has little contact) but I am not willing to do that at the expense of my own boundaries or my childs.

@Petalflowers ha! Already getting the advice 🤦🏻‍♀️ Not sure why pregnancy leads people to think they have more of a 'claim' on you than they did before! Or a right to an opinion on your life! 😂 I tend to just smile and nod!

I know exactly what you mean. Don't ask her for it.

If in the future she offers money ,maybe your DH can let her know the cost and give her his bank details to transfer when she's ready.

I wonder.... could you block her number every now and then to get a break from her weekly texts?

I don't understand these MILS who treat you horribly...but are all over you in pregnancy and when the baby comes along.

You need to get a plan in place for when the baby comes...ad you'll be getting daily texts.

@SandyY2K I think we are best off just ignoring any financial conversations with her tbh :-/ good idea about blocking her number every now and then though. I am very concerned for when baby arrives which is why dh wants to sit down and all have a chat to clear the air but I think it will make things a lot worse tbh. Especially as I am quite emotional atm so I think I'd just cry 🤦🏻‍♀️ I am going to have to do something as it's not going to fix itself and I am so tense at the thought of seeing them. I would rather hand my baby to a stranger than to my mil. How bad is that?

If the texts escalate after the baby's arrival I would mute them for your own sanity, checking on them once a week (or whatever you're comfortable with) and sending a noncommittal reply + photo or whatever. Let your DH do the updates.

The extension is batshit, as is the expectation of overnights and the buying of bottles – definitely don't ask for the building money or accept it, it shouldn't tip the balance but it will. (Why DO some grandparents want overnights? I'm also due my first in a couple of weeks and I barely want overnights!)