Am I being unfair to mil?

[franktheburger]

Nc and posting this here as I know I will get honest feedback (if somewhat brutal 😂)

Bit of backstory-
I am due a baby in a few weeks. First baby, obviously quite excited :-)

I have an incredibly poor relationship with ILs (particularly MIL who I have posted about on here before and been told to go NC with). Because baby is on the way I have been trying to build a better relationship with her but this has been difficult as she seems to want to forget the past and act as if we are very close. Silly things like building a nursery at her house (yes BUILDING- small extension), buying lots of creams and stuff she says I will use and bottles (I would like to exclusively breast feed but admittedly she would not know this as we have never had the conversation other than her saying breast feeding will mean she cannot have baby overnight).

Anyway! Mil mentioned to dh a few weeks ago that she would like to help us now I am off on maternity and said it again maybe 3 times after this initial conversation. She specifically said she would like to pay for something (don't want to say what as it is outing but it was some work we needed done to the house). Dh said that would be very kind and that was that. The work has now been completed and we have paid the builders. Mil has not mentioned paying for the work again. She knows the work is complete. Dh speaks to mil every other week or so and has said it has not been mentioned but that she will be waiting for us to ask for the money. Apparently she has said a few times that if we need anything we must just ask. She has also now text me tonight saying I must rest and that if we need anything to ring her and she will provide.

I do not think we should ask for the money and should pretend it never came up. In my opinion mil could just give us the money if she really wanted to help. I am probably being unreasonable but I find it frustrating that she knows that the money would be very helpful but that she keeps saying we must ask for it? I feel like because our relationship is quite frankly crap we should pretend the money was never mentioned.

To be clear I do not in any way think I am entitled to this money. It is her money and frankly I think it would be held over us anyway. I am just annoyed at the constant saying 'oh if you need anything just ask' when she knows it would be a great help but that we probably won't ask? Does that make sense? My own parents have given us some money in a very casual way for which I am incredibly grateful. I feel I am letting my past with mil cloud this whole situation a bit and so would like some honest feedback :-)

Please don't flame me too much!! 🙈

So your DH loves them - but if your DH was left to his own devices, how often would he see them? It sounds like the answer is still 'not very often' if currently you only go every 2 months max and it's down to you to organize.

They are his parents and I'd be handing this over to him a lot. He can do the phoning up, relationship building, remembering to send photos - all the wifework basically. You'll soon see how much he genuinely wants to do - not much usually.

Yes definitely going to mute the messages :-) I think mil wants to come across as the doting granny but i have seen firsthand how this family image is often purely for show :-(

@AnnaMagnani I took a step back a long time ago and dh now does most of the contact but mil still texts me to ask when we will see them etc. I do try to leave it to dh but think I need to do this even more!

I see your point about the money. Especially as she'll hold it over you.

I would rather hand my baby to a stranger than to my mil.

It's due to her own behaviour you feel like this.

If you can't deal with the sit down chat tell you DH you're just not up for it and the thought of it is giving you anxiety. That's not good for you or the baby. If he wants to talk to her on his own...let him crack on...but you don't need that stress.

When you enforce the boundaries, she'll have to fall in line.

Building a nursery is a bit OTT isn't it. I can imagine her saying.... ' I spent so much money building a nursery and they or more likely DIL ( as they like to blame the wife) won't let me have him/her overnight'

Is this her first GC?

Surely all her son needs to do is say mum you offered to pay for the new carpet or whatever. ...why would it involve you asking?

Yes first gc. She does have a step gc but does not have anything to do with them.

Sorry if I've not been clear @Mammajay dh does not want to ask either. He doesn't have that type of relationship with her. Mil has messaged me tonight saying I should ask for anything I need but I have replied just saying thanks for the offer.

I think this is between your dh and his mother, every family has a different way of doing finances which is often completely alien to another family.

She obviously wants the power trip of being asked. So it's up to your dh to ask her, if you do want her to pay for it. I think it would just be a WhatsApp saying, you very generously offered to pay for X, the final bill is Y, here's the receipts/proof.

If she backtracks or quibbles then you know to ignore any other offer in the future.

Unless she explicitly says I don't think it means you are then beholden to see her or do anything more than you already do and if she starts planning to build a nursery at her house then just say that you're not intending for the baby to not be with their parents until much older. It's possible though that once the baby is here you may like a break (though not when newborn obvs).

But this is on your dh and if he won't ask for the money you wont get it.

Hi OP!

My sister's husband behaves in exactly the same way! It's infuriating, I know! He has a 6-figure salary, they have no children to spend it on, so he likes to use his money to dangle over people's heads. When they first got together, they helped me out a couple of times with things I needed for the house etc, but then he held them over my head for the better part of a decade with comments like "remember when I paid for X? You should be nicer/do this for me because of that..." And let's just say, the favours he wanted back got more and more inappropriate, to the point where I've cut him right back to only the most necessary communication.

Anyway... In your situation, I'd do one of two things:

1: Send her the bill with a short covering letter. "Dear MiL, here is the final receipt for the building work. Thanks so much for offering to cover the costs! Love, OP and Hubby"
Keep the communication very, very short, with the implicit expectation that she'll quietly pay, and that'll be that.

2: Literally NEVER EVER EVER mention it again. Actively pretend she never offered to pay. Never mention the building work to her. In fact, leave it for her to comment on, next time she visits, and dismiss any comment with "Oh yeah, we decided to build a whatever. Cup of tea?"
In other words, metaphorically drop your end of the rope. She's got you involved in a game of tug of war, you don't especially want to play. Drop your end and walk away. If she's solely waiting for you to say something... Well... Let her wait. She'll eventually boil over like an angry little teapot eventually, and state her thoughts. In which case, you can then go to response number 1, and send her the bill!

Option 2 is my preferred strategy with annoying BiL, and it works a treat. Good luck!

I am kind of with your husband in that he should sit down now and tell her that she will not be having a breastfed newborn overnight and feeding them bottles. I don't think you need to be there though, especially if you might cry, as she may just feel he's only saying it because you are upset.

You really, really do not want her (and other family on her behalf) nagging you about it from day one after the birth.

Please OP if you do one thing do not accept any money...do not put yourself indebted to her in anyway.Also she can plan all she likes for the baby but the baby is YOURS...what she does has no bearing on how you plan and conduct your life.If you don't owe her anything she has no control,no say and your life will be so much the better for it.She might have the best intentions and be a lovely woman or she might be a total cow either way keep your independance...your rules. She is in your life by default really you married her son ...she is excess baggage in effect that came with him.Be civil and polite,do what you need to but above all else remain independant from her dont muddy the waters with money or accepting stuff that doesnt feel comfortable with you ....your life when baby arrives will be so much the better for it I promise you...

I would find this irritating but probably just stop having conversations about the work that was done. IMO if she has offered to pay for something she should do it without you asking - she will clearly get a thank you.

I think some family members want to come across as doting, without thinking that by making things more complex than they need to be when you are tired/physically strained by pregnancy/have your own stuff on your mind, it can actually become irritating. It sounds so ungrateful but it's true.

I wouldn't be annoyed about her buying bottles IMO as she probably thinks she was being helpful. I plan to breastfeed but we still have bottles so that I can pump and let DH feed. A lot of mums do this so it's tricky for her to know that you would not like to use bottles at all.

As for building a nursery extension at her house...very strange, but sounds like it was done without your involvement and based on her perrogative. Therefore when it remains unused, she cannot get annoyed. Look at it as a plus that you are a FTM and at some point you might get really tired and would like some sleep. Baby will have somewhere to go for a few hours while you sleep, shower, cook tea, if you choose to let somebody watch them. You could pump in to one of bottles. So in a way at least you now have the option.

Can I also add that I do not think you need a councillor OP...? You sound like a really smart cookie to me! I think what you are struggling with is if like me.you are used to dealing with with straight people who have no hidden agenda then when someone like MIL comes along with the game playing it throws you! It is alien to your thought process.Thing is its them who have issues not you.Like for example my family would say...your short of space here,where are you going to put new baby when it arrives? I would say oh mum we are having an extension built? Crikey my mum would say thats gonna cost you..me and your dad will help out.Dad would have no say and not be in the least bit fussed and the check book would be out there and then with maybe 5k to put towards it.....see perfectly straightforward,no agenda done! dead easy help because they want to. No false promises then come round when extension is done and admire end of story! With your MIL and her power play you are not used to it so it throws you off balance.No councillor needed just refuse to play!!!

Text messages and building an extension are not obligations you must uphold. If she wants to text you stupid advice then I wouldn't even reply. If she wants to build an extension on her house then good for her, let her. It has no bearing on how often she will see the baby. Just continue doing what you're doing and be polite when you are forced to interact with her. Everytime she starts on you about some bullshit just think of a song that you really like and smile and nod.

For every £ she gives you she will expect an hour of unsupervised access to your dc. She will keep a tally of when she can cash in an overnight.
Take the money = owing her more than £££.
Don't do it op.
Oh and I had 3 dc with exh and mil never had my mobile number!!

So you were barely on speaking terms but then decided that you should have more contact with this awful woman because you were having a baby????

Surely you would want less contact if you were having a baby?

You can see already that she is playing games and is never going to change.

Back off and keep backing off. Your husband can't see the wood for the trees. I find it so hard to understand why people who have their own emotions severely upset by these people, then want their own defenceless children exposed to them .

Stay away and good luck.

Don’t take the money OP, she will hold it over your head forever and never forget it.

I speak from bitter experience. She wants you to be beholden to her, she wants you to ask. Don’t give her the satisfaction and keep her at arms length!

Seriously just block her - let your DH do it all ....she is batshit - building an extension! withdraw withdraw withdraw - your instincts sound spot on...

DH may want an open conversation with her about things - but he sounds as if he is still firmly in the fog......do not do this with someone so batshit... complete waste of time ... I think its him that needs teh counsellor not you....

There is no 'we' will have a fall out re the baby if you refuse to engage... look at grey rock technique if you do feel the need to have some contact with her ..

Woman sounds batshit crazy - but is your husband's problem, NOT yours. Distance yourself, and don't take the money - if you ever actually see it - you will beholden for ever. Good luck with the new baby

Definitely don’t ask for money. She will think she owes you something and expect lots of contacts and overnights with the baby in return (btw no way in hell I would be letting my baby overnight with MIL if I were you).

You owe her something* I mean.

My brother borrows a lot of money from my Dad and it’s never ever forgotten.

You are definitely doing the right thing by just thanking her for the offer.That applies to money or anything else. My mother was like this. DH says we would be millionaires if we took her up on any of the offers she made. Quite often it took the form of, “I was going to buy you...., but I know how fussy you are”. Never once did we have anything from her.

She will never let you forget if you take her up on any offers. Not only that she will, most likely, Broadcast it to all and sundry. It must be driving her nuts that you won’t ask for the building work money. There is no point in DH trying to have a straight talk with someone so devious. Keep your independence and your pride.

You've had some great advice OP. I also think if you/your DH take the money you'll be forever beholden. Odd that she's plan and have built a nursery extension and planning on having your newborn overnight and planning on bottle feeding him/her. I've heard this here first!!

Also do try and make yourself a little less contactable/available. A PP suggested, Eg I wonder.... could you block her number every now and then to get a break from her weekly texts?

When she does connect I'd smile and grey rock her "oh that's so kind but that doesn't work for us" - rebuild and keep those boundaries strong.

Your DH is using the logical approach in wanting to discuss things but your MIL doesn't sound logical - just entitled. By all means let him speak with his DM but you don't need to be there especially as (naturally) you may be emotional.

Also: be aware she may want to encroach on your private space once you go to the hospital to give birth. What do you want to happen there - I'm assuming NOT to have her there and invading your space minutes after you've given birth? Or sitting on the drive as soon as you get home from hospital? A MIL did exactly this on another MN thread and was very upset to be turned away. Do come up with a plan with your DH and midwife.

Good luck OP and congratulations to you and your DH on the impending new addition to your family. 🌹

So you know that she likes to be formally 'asked' for the money and you don't like that part (it would chafe a bit with me tbh) and despite a big hint last night to ask for the money you didn't ask for it OR say you didn't want it. I would do one or the other and stop the gamesmanship tbh!

While I can absolutely see why you wouldn't want to ask for the money, I do think it is a bit grabby to expect it to just turn up in your account as your parents do!

But if you don't want her money just say so, that stops all the games and the drama. I couldn't live like that. But it sounds more like you are holding on for the money to just turn up in your account and if you are not, you could sort this straight away!

Hope the rest of your pregnancy and birth runs smoothly OP , enjoy!

This is a no win situation. Have the meeting with her so you remember how awful she is. Then go no contact. Relate do family counselling, many places have family mediation. I guarantee these will fail and the facilitators will say she cannot be worked with.
A child psychiatrist told me, during a disputed custody case that the normal way for young children (up to 10) to see people is in a social setting with parents. Obviously you have babysitter, childminder, but they work with you and under your rules. The only exception is non resident parent who also has some autonomy. If family members cannot work with parents and don't have child's best interest at heart, they don't have unsupervised contact.
Bin her off, she is going to start playing your child against you from day one. Get her out of your life unless she can agree your rules. Tell her why you won't ask for money, tell her straight about all your fears and then let it go.

I agree don't ask for the money. Don't accept the money, it will come with conditions.

Whenever she says 'ask if you need help', just take it with a pinch of salt. She doesn't actually mean it.

Once your baby is here hopefully you and DH will realise there are other priorities than your crank of a MIL.

Distance yourself and get a thicker skin.

If you are feeling anxious and sick just at the thought of seeing them, then you really need to cut them out of your life.

DH can keep up his relationship if he wants.
Stop worrying about what other people think. Look after yourself and your child first and foremost.

All good advice. It sounds like everything the MIL does has strings attached and is for her own public image to make her look like the perfect GM.

Do NOT enable her behaviour. I would not ask for the money (offering then “forgetting” in order to make you ask is a power play).

You will get into a game that you cannot win so my advice would be not to play in the first place.

I would block her number (say your phone’s broken or something) and let your DH deal with her. She’s not your Mother and you owe her nothing. Baby is yours and your DH’s; she has no automatic right to look after baby so set FIRM boundaries from today onwards. Otherwise she’ll ramp up the game and do things like demanding to be at the birth and so on.