Am I being unfair to mil?

[franktheburger]

Nc and posting this here as I know I will get honest feedback (if somewhat brutal 😂)

Bit of backstory-
I am due a baby in a few weeks. First baby, obviously quite excited :-)

I have an incredibly poor relationship with ILs (particularly MIL who I have posted about on here before and been told to go NC with). Because baby is on the way I have been trying to build a better relationship with her but this has been difficult as she seems to want to forget the past and act as if we are very close. Silly things like building a nursery at her house (yes BUILDING- small extension), buying lots of creams and stuff she says I will use and bottles (I would like to exclusively breast feed but admittedly she would not know this as we have never had the conversation other than her saying breast feeding will mean she cannot have baby overnight).

Anyway! Mil mentioned to dh a few weeks ago that she would like to help us now I am off on maternity and said it again maybe 3 times after this initial conversation. She specifically said she would like to pay for something (don't want to say what as it is outing but it was some work we needed done to the house). Dh said that would be very kind and that was that. The work has now been completed and we have paid the builders. Mil has not mentioned paying for the work again. She knows the work is complete. Dh speaks to mil every other week or so and has said it has not been mentioned but that she will be waiting for us to ask for the money. Apparently she has said a few times that if we need anything we must just ask. She has also now text me tonight saying I must rest and that if we need anything to ring her and she will provide.

I do not think we should ask for the money and should pretend it never came up. In my opinion mil could just give us the money if she really wanted to help. I am probably being unreasonable but I find it frustrating that she knows that the money would be very helpful but that she keeps saying we must ask for it? I feel like because our relationship is quite frankly crap we should pretend the money was never mentioned.

To be clear I do not in any way think I am entitled to this money. It is her money and frankly I think it would be held over us anyway. I am just annoyed at the constant saying 'oh if you need anything just ask' when she knows it would be a great help but that we probably won't ask? Does that make sense? My own parents have given us some money in a very casual way for which I am incredibly grateful. I feel I am letting my past with mil cloud this whole situation a bit and so would like some honest feedback :-)

Please don't flame me too much!! 🙈

Sounds like offer of money, but with strings attached :-). I.e. make you feel quilty and her getting her way with your grandchild.

Don't ask about the money. Respond to any offers with a clear 'we don't need anything, but thanks for offering'.

Definitely don't have a sit down about expectations. She'll have a bizarre list of demands, and 'won't recall' you saying no to anything, and after the birth you'll only get abuse because you talked about it and agreed to it and now you're being unreasonable.

Don't worry about her buying stuff, if she wants to spend money that's her choice, best to pretend she isn't doing it, I doubt trying to tell her not to will get you anywhere.

Just ask for it instead of purposely making it into another issue!

Wow thanks for all the replies guys!! I've been at the hospital all day (nothing serious!) so only just reading all the comments!

Couple of responses-
I won't be asking for or accepting the money if it is offered, I don't think it's worth the hassle and we can live without it :-) We had already started building work when she offered so it isn't like we relied on her money.

I wanted to go for counselling to go through all the issues of the last few years and to basically talk it all out with someone completely detached from the situation.

She makes me feel anxious and sick when we see her because we are at the point where I am so conscious that she does not like me and I'm always waiting for the next comment from her.

I do think she will be a good grandmother to an extent and am happy to give her that opportunity in small doses. She is very keen to make out like we are all a very close family when we are not. I want to maintain the same level of contact as we have now or maybe slightly more (so maybe seeing them once a month etc) so that my dh can never say I did not try.

I should clarify she has never done anything particularly bad against dh, it has all been aimed at me with just a general disinterst towards him (things like not talking to him when he married me). He supports me 100% and that is why his contact is low with her.

Just ask her if she wants to put anything towards the building work. If she says no, she says no.

OP, hope you are ok after your hospital visit. I went to counselling to help me with the stress put on me by my MIL. I would certainly recommend it, it was money well spent. You (obviously) won't be able to change her, we didn't have a better relationship as she never really wanted one. It was enough though for me to feel strong enough to draw some serious boundaries - imo no amount of therapy will help you maintain a truly bad and unhealthy relationship (and it shouldn't).

@harrietpn yes I don't think the therapy will improve our relationship as such but it will help me to develop better methods of dealing with it and also give me the chance to get it all 'out' so to speak 😊

@harrietpn and yes I'm fine thank you :-) just got a very stubborn little baby

MIL is not a nice person. She didn't talk to DH when you got married. You get anxious around her. Why would you want to subject your DC to this person? She doesn't deserve the chance of contact.

I guess because I do not think she would be like that with her grandchildren. I am willing to give her that chance so they have some form of relationship but obviously if this trend continues or worse she acts up to them I will cut contact between her and gc.

When somebody shows you how they are, believe them. She treats you like shit and yet you think she'll be nice to your DC? You are so wrong. Don't make that mistake. Low contact or even no contact, I would not be subjecting your innocent DC to her.

She wants you to ask her for the money. It’s a power game. Don’t get involved. I’m shocked at her building an extension and buying bottles and clothes etc. As if she’s the one who’s having a baby! Nobody could have been more excited to be a Gran than my DM, but even she let me choose the clothes and stuff which she paid for and I took home. And she wouldn’t have dreamed of building a nursery - the baby’s home is at my house and he has a nursery there.

Imo your MIL is trying to take over. Her own nursery, her own bottles and clothes - it’s weird and intrusive. She is clearly expecting a lot of access, more than I’d consider normal. You need to set her expectations now - tell her you’ll be breastfeeding so there will be no overnight stays for the foreseeable future.

She sounds crazy!

I went for counselling after a particularly unpleasant episode with MIL. It was helpful to talk it over with someone impartial and hear from a professional that MIL’s behaviour was unacceptable. It also helped DP understand that I wasn’t just being over sensitive. If you get a chance to go you may find it helpful x

Keep the visits short to begin with. You can build it up and make them longer if/when you feel it’s appropriate.
You’ll probably find she pushes for longer visits/ overnights etc. Have a think about how you will deal with these requests. ‘We will let you know when we feel s/he is old enough...’ is a good one.

Later down the line when you LO is a toddler, be ready for MIL to get manipulative e.g. to offer (deliberately loud enough for LO to hear) to take them out for the day/have them over night so you can ‘relax’. Then you have the added pressure of saying no to your toddler who wants a day with granny