Am I being unfair to mil?

[franktheburger]

Nc and posting this here as I know I will get honest feedback (if somewhat brutal 😂)

Bit of backstory-
I am due a baby in a few weeks. First baby, obviously quite excited :-)

I have an incredibly poor relationship with ILs (particularly MIL who I have posted about on here before and been told to go NC with). Because baby is on the way I have been trying to build a better relationship with her but this has been difficult as she seems to want to forget the past and act as if we are very close. Silly things like building a nursery at her house (yes BUILDING- small extension), buying lots of creams and stuff she says I will use and bottles (I would like to exclusively breast feed but admittedly she would not know this as we have never had the conversation other than her saying breast feeding will mean she cannot have baby overnight).

Anyway! Mil mentioned to dh a few weeks ago that she would like to help us now I am off on maternity and said it again maybe 3 times after this initial conversation. She specifically said she would like to pay for something (don't want to say what as it is outing but it was some work we needed done to the house). Dh said that would be very kind and that was that. The work has now been completed and we have paid the builders. Mil has not mentioned paying for the work again. She knows the work is complete. Dh speaks to mil every other week or so and has said it has not been mentioned but that she will be waiting for us to ask for the money. Apparently she has said a few times that if we need anything we must just ask. She has also now text me tonight saying I must rest and that if we need anything to ring her and she will provide.

I do not think we should ask for the money and should pretend it never came up. In my opinion mil could just give us the money if she really wanted to help. I am probably being unreasonable but I find it frustrating that she knows that the money would be very helpful but that she keeps saying we must ask for it? I feel like because our relationship is quite frankly crap we should pretend the money was never mentioned.

To be clear I do not in any way think I am entitled to this money. It is her money and frankly I think it would be held over us anyway. I am just annoyed at the constant saying 'oh if you need anything just ask' when she knows it would be a great help but that we probably won't ask? Does that make sense? My own parents have given us some money in a very casual way for which I am incredibly grateful. I feel I am letting my past with mil cloud this whole situation a bit and so would like some honest feedback :-)

Please don't flame me too much!! 🙈

I don't understand these MILS who treat you horribly...but are all over you in pregnancy and when the baby comes along

Fresh blood. Everyone else knows what they're like.

I think you're handling it the right way at the moment, and I totally agree that she is waiting for you to ask, and ask, and ask - and then she might finally condescend to give it to you, with great show of how good she's being. OR she'll use it as leverage to get something back off you.

As for having the baby overnight - ahahaha! nope. I BF both mine until they were around 2, by the way, so you can keep her at bay for years with the bfing reason. But you shouldn't have to - you should just continue low contact with her.

Do you have a particular reason for trying to be more involved with her now? Does any of her behaviour until now suggest that she is the sort of person you want your precious baby to actually be involved with?
A bad grandparent is worse than no grandparent at all, you know. You won't be doing your baby any favours by fostering a relationship with this woman, if she's already so awful to you and DH.
So ask yourself what you're truly expecting from this - and if it's that she will be a doting grandma, give up the idealism. She probably will be while your baby is a baby - but when they grow into a child who is less malleable and has their own ideas, then they may be at risk of being on the receiving end of her shit behaviour too.
Not Worth It.

Dh would like us all to sit down and have an open conversation before baby is here about expectations.

Your DH is very sensible

and let DH deal with his mother and money !

Do you have a particular reason for trying to be more involved with her now? Does any of her behaviour until now suggest that she is the sort of person you want your precious baby to actually be involved with? A bad grandparent is worse than no grandparent at all, you know. You won't be doing your baby any favours by fostering a relationship with this woman, if she's already so awful to you and DH

Agree with Thumb

I'm not sure I think sitting down to talk to her about 'expectations' is a good idea. It shouldn't be a conversation that you need to have; obviously you as parents will make all the decisions about your baby (with professional input as necessary) so it's not open for discussion. Anything else could lead to your MIL trying to negotiate her way in. Shut it down before it starts.

Dont take the money.And dont have an open meeting.By doing so,she thinks she has a chance of having the baby overnight.Just block her for a while and if she offers money again just refuse.You know she will use it as a stick to beat you with.

And im a granny and theres no way i would expect a newborn to be away from its parents that soon.

Don't ask for the money. Leave it to DH and agree with post to drop your end of the rope. She is trying to control you. Do not enable her to do so. You do not need a counsellor but I'd suggest she does. It's very, very frustrating for you but she is controlling and smothering. If she presses your buttons this way then tell her so. And do not feel guilty about it. She's waaaaaay overstepped the boundaries

I would tell my husband to ask his mum for the money also to come see it now it's done. Cook her a nice meal. Maybe shes waiting for an invitation?

Next time she says ask for anything you need

Answer I need you to stop texting!

She sounds manipulative and quite toxic. People dont change - EVER - and the idea that you might one day have an improved relationship with her is mere fantasy. If anything, things will get worse. The baby coming along will cause huge stress with her involved. Personally I would go NC.

I would have told her the quote and waited on the money before going ahead. It is very strange though she shld have just transferred the money to you after offering.

I'm not sure I would ask her for the money, it's like that's what she's waiting on to satisfy some strange need to be wanted.

You say she has form for this from your wedding. Maybe ur hubby needs to pull her up on it, if she says anything like that again. So if she goes oh why didn't u ask me for the money, he shld say you offered it so I shouldn't have to ask you, why didn't you just give us the money?

She sounds a nightmare though. Good luck!

I agree with lots that have been said but......only don’t take the money if you can afford not to. Would you have had the work done otherwise? If it will leaving you struggling then send her the bill. You were happy to initially accept the money don’t let this worry make you have financial debt. Your DH needs to cut down any moves from her to use this as anything other than her releasing his inheritance early. It’s not investing in the baby. He need the mindset that she offered and he has therefore a right to it. Before anyone jumps I know no-one has a right to inheritance but she gifted it and he needs to make that clear. She may in her head have thought doing x = y but she didn’t make this deal with you.

I’d avoid a frank talk because it simply does sound like it will work and it will be upsetting. Your and your DH though need to chat through it all including all the obvious scenarios - first seeing baby, requests to have baby overnight etc - and work out your script remembering that ‘no’ is a complete sentence and you don’t have to justify. Personally I think you should develop a phrase, pop into your phone and save it under MiL, trot it out. Nice and vague but saying no.

In terms of the clothes at her house my husbands family and friends do that. My MiL makes a point now and letting me know she has a pack of pants in for each child. They have never ever been open. Because of distance we only see them every 4 months or so and I never really understood why she brought them and then kept them when they little after we’d visited as when they were little they so unlucky to fit next time. Odd but seemed to be the norm where they are.

I don't think the issue here in the money - she is trying to be manipulative and is already hugely crossing boundaries which are bound to upset you. I've been through several years of this with my MIL (crossing numerous boundaries, being unsafe around DS, phonecalls to DH about how hard he had it, constant digs at me, clear desire to move in with us) until both DH and I couldn't take it anymore. There were also promises of huge sums of money but that never was an issue for me as much as the constant undermining was. Mute your MIL, get your DH to tell her all contact should be through him. Have more confidence in yourself and start doing what is going to be the best for your family.

Don't take the money! Seriously don't! It will come with strings attached and you will always be on the back foot.
A few years ago when I was a few weeks off being due with my first I took money off a family member. I knew they were controlling and quite frankly a narcissist but at the time the money was useful. It is still causing problems. A few days after ds was born the problems started. She came over to visit, took over, did something with ds that could of ended badly due to her health problems and I spoke up asking her not to do that. All hell broke loose. I had texts harrasing me that she wanted her money back. Texts calling me all names under the sun. It was awful and tarnished the first few weeks of my sons life.
It might sound awful but I have hated her ever since and on the few occasions where I have to tolerate her I am certain she does things just to spite me. I could go on and on but I won't derail any longer.
Seriously, don't take it. Family members tend to go psycho when a newborn is involved. If you don't have a amicable and trusting relationship it will end badly.

There is no money folks. That ship has sailed.

She has no intention, it is a game.

I wouldn’t accept any money, been there done that. We bought our first home a few years back after saving hard for a decent deposit, when we bought the house it needed work doing. I planned to just hold back a bit of our deposit to do it, it wasn’t a big deal. Then my husband’s parents offered us a loan of 5k to do the work, we didn’t need it so I wasn’t interested, I said to my husband it’d just be something to hold over us down the line. My husband promised his parents weren’t like that etc, so in the end I stupidly said ok.

Fast forward a year later, we’d had our first child and weren’t giving them what they wanted (unrestricted access to their grandchild) we were seeing them every couple of months. So my mother in law wrote a letter to me (yes a letter, not a text) and listed all the “good things” she had done for me over the years and how I was cruel withholding access to my child. She went to town. It wasn’t just the 5k they lent us, it was the money they had given us towards our wedding (we never asked for anything!!), the pram that they asked to buy us and then my personal favourite was all the times I had stayed over in their house for free whilst I was going out with my husband (I stayed once a week when my husband moved back home after uni). How kind of her not to charge me for sleeping in his bed that he was paying her rent for. It was bullet pointed and went on for 5 pages (she didn’t do 5 pages worth of good things, it was 90% telling me I am cruel lol).

Since then we have had another child and gone low contact. She no longer contacts me but messages my husband offering to “help”. I’d never accept her help even if I was desperate. I just say to my husband she’s just looking for material for her next letter! The thing is my parents have GIVEN us a lot, it is never mentioned again, ever. My parent’s are not in a comfortable financial situation that my in laws are in yet they help out without a hidden agenda.

Don’t ask or accept the money!

I agree with @LazyLizzy that there is no money, it is just image management for MIL, she can now tell people how generous she is to offer you money for home improvements, how kind and involved she is for building a purpose built nursery for her GC (and the baby will be HER GC not your DC to her) and how unreasonable you are for not just going along with whatever she demands.

I think do not have a sit down with her and DH to talk about expectations with the baby going forward, it gives her an "in", she is not entitled to any say with how you raise your child. Leave her to her controlling games.

Agreed with the above posters - there is no money.

My advice would be don't ask for or accept money or any other gifts that come with terms and conditions attached. Accept nothing. Keep her at arms length and let your DH deal with his mother. If his idea is to sit down and work out expectations, he can do that without you being in the room. You can tell him that you're not going to be allowing your baby stay overnight with grandparents so that isn't even up for discussion. When the child is older, it might be considered but don't even think about it for the foreseeable. Anything else is optional but I've read too many threads on MN where grandmothers have seriously overstepped their mark and it has had detrimental consequences to the relationship so if your DH wants to talk to his mother about things he needs to set out his stall early and say that X,Y and Z are possibilities but not for some time yet (and you both have to agree what X, Y and Z are ahead of this discussion).

Best of luck with it all & congrats!

I don't think the issue is asking for the money so much as accepting it. If you do so, be very clear that it comes with strings attached. Do you really want that? It may be cheaper (in terms of your own peace of mind) to pay for everything yourself and retain control.

I would advise:

1. Do not ask for the money for the building work. Don't give her that power over you.

2. Make sure DH tells her that your DC will be breast-fed for as long as possible. If she then mentions expressing or overnighting at hers he should tell her "No. That's not going to work for us".

3. I would advise counselling for you to discuss past issues and determine how to handle stuff that arises in the future. Maybe assertiveness classes too.

Your MIL does sound weird. I can't believe she's had an extension built DH for a nursery. Why didn't your DH say something when he found out her intentions?
Could it be it's just to put your DC down for a sleep when you visit?

You probably could do with setting some boundaries now. Practice your nicest smile along with the word 'no'

She sounds like a nightmare
We had a similar experience with MIL when I was expecting her first grandchild. She was awful until I was pregnant, then endless offers of ‘help’ and gifts with strings attached. She even hinted about attending the birth (no thank you very much!!!) Needless to say things went downhill when baby arrived and we had to start setting firm boundaries with her.

My advice- politely decline any offers of money- there are strings attached. Forget about the money that she said she’d give you- you don’t need the drama.
Also be polite but firm about sleepovers/babysitting/visits from day one. She might not like it but you need to for your own sanity!

I agree with the others, she is playing games. She wants you to ask for the money - that way when she asks to have your new born baby overnight, she can say but I gave you money when you ask, all I am asking is for some time with my grandchild.

As she let you down over the wedding money, I am surprised you trusted her to hand over the building work money.

Considering the nursery extension, I wouldn't be accepting or asking for anything money or material wise period. She is trying to control you by playing stupid games. She'll try to use any favours as leverage later on.

Our daughter at almost 11 months has only just begun to show any positive interest in my MIL, there's no way she could have regularly cared for her.

Agree with everyone else it's game playing and a power play. Keep politely declining offers of money/help, it's all for show.

My mum would make offers of help but never follow through, I wouldn't find out until the last minute and then I'd have to deal with it which obviously caused lots of stress. She used to do lots of other unnecessary things as well knowing it would make life difficult for us.

Unfortunately some people just get kicks out of this type of behaviour. Definitely step back and don't give her an inch.
Good luck with everything.