Not wanting DD to stay with grandparents

[greenfrog21]

DD1 is 3 (4 in May). DD2 is 8 months. My PiL (in their 70s) have just announced that as DD1 will be starting school in September and “that will be it until she’s 18”, they want to see her once per week next term. They live 2 hours’ drive / train away and want to collect DD1 by train after nursery mid-week, take her to their house, and drive her back the following evening.

I loathe the idea, for a number of reasons:

• I love the time that I have with DD1 (even meal times and taking / collecting her from nursery) and don’t want to give it up

• I do not like her staying overnight away from me, particularly that far away (she has stayed overnight at PiL once before, when I and DH were staying in a hotel nearby); she still comes into our bed every night

• I’m uncomfortable with FiL driving her that distance every week

• I will need to take DD1 out of her lovely nursery one day per week (reducing her number of days from 3 to 2)

• After a difficult period when DD2 was born, I have settled into a good daily routine with DD1 and DD2, which makes everyone happy, and I am reluctant to disturb it

• She is exhausted after nursery and I don’t think she will want to spend 2 hours travelling without me to stay somewhere without me

• I hate that PiL seem to think they have a right to do whatever they like with DD1

I have suggested that, instead, PiL come up to London for a day each week and take DD1 out, but they are insisting that they entertain DD1 on their own turf (they live in the country and don’t like London) and don’t want to spend 8 hours travelling in a day to do that.

By contrast, my DPs live 3 hours away and frequently come up for the day to spend time with DDs.

DH thinks it’s important for DD1 to spend time with others who love her, away from her parents. He’s happy for her to go, and thinks IABU (particularly with not wanting her to stay overnight), although equally thinks his parents are being unreasonable not wanting to come up for the day.

AIBU? How can I stop this from happening?!

Just say "no, that doesn't work for me". They don't have any right to tell you what they plan to do with your DD, any time they spend with her is totally at your discretion. If you feel like you need to make an excuse just say something about her routine/sleep patterns being disrupted or whatever, although you shouldn't have to justify your decision.

No way. If they want to see their GC, then they will have to fit in with you which means they come visit you. This is a shared custody agreement! Your PIL are insane. This will not be beneficial to your DD - she will be exhausted from nursery, exhausted from travelling and all for what exactly? To sleep in a strange bed one night a week? By the time they get to their house, it'll be time for DD to go to bed. No way would I allow this happen. Show your DH this thread, he needs to grow a pair and stand up for his DD's best interests, not his parents wants. And I would not be compromising either. Once a month is way too much also. Tell them no overnights, if they want to see her, they are welcome to come down and also I would be telling them that you were not impressed with the way they informed you of this arrangement - she is your DD, not theirs and only you and DH make the parenting decisions together, they have zero input.

Every week is far too much. Once a month at the weekend seems fair enough to me, I think she’ll gain a lot from both time in the countryside and bonding with her GP’s. I say the weekend so she doesn’t miss out on nursery time.

Just say no. Don't compromise, she's your child. There's no way I'd do this

YANBU. Just say no. Perhaps just suggest that they do this occassionally - maybe one night a month until she starts school? But every week is excessive and clearly doesn't fit in with your own plans at all.

My MIL, who barely sees our child (her choice) has offered on a few occasions to take him for a whole week. She lives 5 hours away and he is 3. I was blunt and said no, that doesn't work for me.

If my husband had argued the toss, then tough, it's still a no. However, thankfully we do see eye to eye on this issue.

My mum who lives an hour away takes my son one or two nights (on his non preschool days) about once every 4-6 weeks. That works fine for me but I certainly would not agree to every week, irrespective of who was offering.

I couldn't have children but would still like to give my opinion if that's ok.

It seems a ludicrous suggestion/demand by your PiL which appears to be entirely for their benefit and not your DD's. She's no doubt tired when leaving nursery and they then want to drag her to the station, followed by a two hour train ride, followed by presumably a car ride. When is she supposed to eat her tea? Doesn't that make it past her bedtime? How will you know if they get her home she won't non-stop cry? What if she becomes ill? However, to me the most important reason to say no is that she is three and is not capable of deciding for herself.

I find this obsession by GPs to have their GCs alone really strange and I've never seen anyone give a reasonable answer.

Don't forget OP, NO is a complete sentence. If your DH keeps on - I would ask him which is going to impact more on his life - pissing off you or his parents? I think he will give the right answer and back you against the crazies

No is a full sentence. YANBU!!
I'd actually love the break that offered me.... but I'd not love anyone trying to act like they had a right to dictate where my child spent the night. Total CFs. If you arent happy with this arrangement then it should be dead in the water.

Agree with previous posters that this sounds like a custody agreement with a 3rd parent, it’s odd and I’d be doubtful that this would be of any benefit to dd. In fact I’d imagine it would be a nightmare for her. Tired after a long day at nursery she would probably fall asleep on a 2 hr journey and then would be up late and probably not happy to be without her parents. If the grandparents care so much about not seeing her as much as they’d like they can make more of an effort to see her and can fit around her routine, not make her fit into theirs. I hope your dh can see that.

That's too much travelling for DD, apart from anything else. If they want to see her they can come to you and see her. They could stay overnight, if not at yours then in a nearby Travel Lodge or similar. Just say no.

Like storynanny I joined many years ago as a new grandma. I've had the dgc from very young as the parents worked full time with very little holiday. Nursery was also very expensive so they were reluctant to miss out. It is very exhausting looking after a toddler as you all well know but as a fit 60 year old I found it tough. This must have dgc on their own I understand because however much the little soul loves grandma the moment a parent comes through the door you are yesterday's cold chips. As is right and proper. I've always had so much of the dgc without parents that I don't fall over my own feet offering but they know we will appear at the drop of a hat if needed.
On the other hand as a new mother I was rubbish. My dds never slept so I was thrilled to be offered time off to deal with my complete inability to keep awake.
In this case there is no need for overnights. OP just say that will be lovely and hedge. Be very unspecific. Thank profusely and say you really want to build up to week stays when half terms and long summer hols might be needed. Lots of thanks and warm smiles and total vagueness wins over brutal rebuffs. Always remember that these people will guard your children with their lives but enthusiasm needs to be curbed.

Ha! Stanislas! It's the parents who are cold chips, surely? My dgs adores visiting us, and kicks off bigtime when his dps arrive to collect him!

Fairly simple. Say no. Your child your choice.

Please don't make any excuses or offer an explanation. Just say 'It's an interesting suggestion but the answer's NO'. That's the end of the conversation.

I sometimes think grandparents have forgotten what children are really like! They imagine that it's going to be lovely, they picture themselves with this adoring, adorable child who loves to be with them, is kind and helpful at all times, does exactly what she's told, no tantrums or insecurity, no sobbing little blob who just wants her mummy.

It is not as simple as just saying 'no', not when your husband is caught in the crossfire.

Grandparents are hard-wired to want and to love grandchildren, and it is right that children should be allowed to know all of their family, both sides. However, as we get older, we are often in denial about out fitness and also we fear getting cut off. The grandparents need love too, but they also need to understand that the family unit is primarily the parents and young children and where they, the older generation, fit into that.

I'm guessing these grandparents didn't lend their own kids out to their grandparents on a regular basis. It's like how the grandparents who expect everyone to come to them for Christmas probably didn't spend all their own children's Christmases travelling to elderly relatives.

I lent my son out to my mum whenever she wanted him. It was brilliant for everyone. As for Christmas, it’s our kids who want us to go them and sulk when we politely decline because we like our own bed.

Did your mum live 2 hours away though?

And we're you putting your DMs feelings ahead of your DCs needs like in this case?

I think 1 overnight per month on the weekend might be okay, if they pick her up and drop her off.

Just pointing out the flaws in your argument @Snuggybuggy. I was obviously a rubbish mum too as mine used to cry when it was time to come home.

I'm not saying you were a rubbish mum Alsohuman, there is nothing inherently wrong with going to stay with grandparents but this scenario really sounds like it's all about what suits grandparents and not considering the disruption for the child

I know. I’m saying I was a rubbish mum. And I was.