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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting DD to stay with grandparents

123 replies

greenfrog21 · 19/03/2019 05:09

DD1 is 3 (4 in May). DD2 is 8 months. My PiL (in their 70s) have just announced that as DD1 will be starting school in September and “that will be it until she’s 18”, they want to see her once per week next term. They live 2 hours’ drive / train away and want to collect DD1 by train after nursery mid-week, take her to their house, and drive her back the following evening.

I loathe the idea, for a number of reasons:

  • I love the time that I have with DD1 (even meal times and taking / collecting her from nursery) and don’t want to give it up
  • I do not like her staying overnight away from me, particularly that far away (she has stayed overnight at PiL once before, when I and DH were staying in a hotel nearby); she still comes into our bed every night
  • I’m uncomfortable with FiL driving her that distance every week
  • I will need to take DD1 out of her lovely nursery one day per week (reducing her number of days from 3 to 2)
  • After a difficult period when DD2 was born, I have settled into a good daily routine with DD1 and DD2, which makes everyone happy, and I am reluctant to disturb it
  • She is exhausted after nursery and I don’t think she will want to spend 2 hours travelling without me to stay somewhere without me
  • I hate that PiL seem to think they have a right to do whatever they like with DD1

I have suggested that, instead, PiL come up to London for a day each week and take DD1 out, but they are insisting that they entertain DD1 on their own turf (they live in the country and don’t like London) and don’t want to spend 8 hours travelling in a day to do that.

By contrast, my DPs live 3 hours away and frequently come up for the day to spend time with DDs.

DH thinks it’s important for DD1 to spend time with others who love her, away from her parents. He’s happy for her to go, and thinks IABU (particularly with not wanting her to stay overnight), although equally thinks his parents are being unreasonable not wanting to come up for the day.

AIBU? How can I stop this from happening?!

OP posts:
NoCauseRebel · 19/03/2019 11:36

How often do they currently see DD?

At three I think that once a week seeing a grandparent isn’t unreasonable in itself, my own mum used to come round on her half day to see my DC and would look after my sister’s dc, and sometimes she would take them out, sometimes she would stay at my house and the kids would play while she drank tea. But this insistence that they drive down and collect her and take her back to theirs for a sleepover every week would be an absolute no from me. If they want to see her once a week then I’d be telling them that they can see her (and DD2) once a week in my house and that would be that.

I believe that children should be encouraged to have relationships with others, but shared with others? Erm no. Children are humans in their own right, not toys for people to have a turn with.

If the grandparents want a relationship with the DC then this can be facilitated, but not on their terms.

My MIL used to come up in the school holidays when my DC were little and that worked well for all concerned. But I don’t get this needing to have them for a sleepover unless it’s what the kids want as well sometimes. As adults we wouldn’t have people dictate where we must stay and how often and so on? So why should it be different with kids?

mondaylisasmile · 19/03/2019 11:37

Children are humans in their own right, not toys for people to have a turn with.

This is the crux of the problem, well phrased!!

cestlavielife · 19/03/2019 11:39

No.
In the working week it s insane to establish this pattern unless you needed it e.g. both parents working nights.

Work out something for occasional holidays or weekends.

NunoGoncalves · 19/03/2019 11:43

Children are humans in their own right, not toys for people to have a turn with

This. She's only 3. Yes of course it's good for her to develop relationships with extended family, but overnight stays every week at their insistence is way over the top. Just say no, OP. I certainly would. Maybe invite them to go out with the family a bit more often instead.

user1467718508 · 19/03/2019 11:44

It's pure selfishness on their part, wanting to put your DD through that kind of disruption every week.

No need to explain yourself, just say no.

snowdrop6 · 19/03/2019 11:46

Rediculous..put your foot down woman..or you will have this shit for years

Weebitawks · 19/03/2019 11:46

Can you compromise ? Say once a month ? Once a week seems far too much. YANBU.

Eatmycheese · 19/03/2019 11:47

They are asking too much.
Just say no. You are her mother and you shouldn’t have to explain yourself.

However, if you do feel the need to then I would perhaps say

“DD is not an object, she is my child and her needs come first. She doesn’t need to stay with you and undertake four hours minimum of unnecessary travelling a week, never mind lose a day at Nursery where she is thriving and a once she loves. You are very welcome to come and see her, and perhaps when she is older we can review the situation, right now however, the answer is no. We have a routine that works well and that’s how it’s going to continue. By coming to see us of course the added bonus that you get to spend time with your other granddaughter. Win win.”

I would struggle to bite my lip if I’m honest. They sound like a pair of ignorant old tits.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 19/03/2019 11:50

Just say no. You have valid point but at the end of it all, you're the mum and if you say no then they'll have to swallow the fact that the answer is no.

NannyRed · 19/03/2019 11:50

Say no and stay strong.

Your dd is not going to stop seeing her gp’s now, from starting school until she turns 18, but it can be arranged if they push for this rediculous idea.

At three she is far too young to be two hours away from you, would the gp’s be prepared to drive her back at 11pm if she was upset? (I doubt it)

Also, sorry to be blunt, but at 70 I doubt they will have the energy to take proper care of a toddler. Most 70+ adults have grandchildren in their 20/30s surely

Remember the mumsnet adage “No is a full sentence”

Honestly, if I had someone trying to bully me into letting me have my three year old child overnight, I’d resist to the point that they would find themselves never seeing her again.

HedgerowTree · 19/03/2019 11:51

Just no.

BlueMerchant · 19/03/2019 11:51

They can't just expect DD to give up her routine to travel to theirs and stay one day a week. It's too much. Poor DD. Sounds like they have had it all sorted in their heads and are waiting for the green light!. What nerve!
Say 'NO'. If one of the parents isn't happy then it doesn't happen.

mondaylisasmile · 19/03/2019 11:52

I don't think the advice here to comprimise and agree to "once a month" is a good idea, at all.

It simply reinforces the idea that these grandparents have a custody right over your daughter that they'll be able to hold you to!

It's fine to say they're "welcome, and e.g. Wednesdays or Saturday mornings work best, but we'll see how it goes depending on what we've got on at work/family life..".... but quite another to agree "you get to stamp your feet for joint custody of once per month which i then need to defend and argue about if we can't do it"...

Those are two very different things and i hope the OP, if she does suggest other things that work, frames it in such a way that doesn't let the grandparents think that their demand like this is reasonable...

Negotiating as if they have a right to see the DD on a set schedule as if they were the parents will only lead to them trying similar things in future!

Redwinestillfine · 19/03/2019 11:54

I would steer away from making any arrangements which turn this into a routine. Just say you don't want her having regular sleep overs at this age but will bring them both to see them when you can.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 19/03/2019 11:55

Personally i suggest you don't get into the habit of even defending why this isn't going to happen - just keep repeating "That doesn't work for us. That's not going to happen. It doesn't work for us. It's not happening" because I suspect any rational reason you come up with, they'll just use to bombard you with more expectations, having to say WHY you don't agree.

Absolutely spot on. MIL here used to pull similar tricks and would complain to DH that I was keeping her GC from her by refusing to let her have them overnight from the minute they were born - I was selfish for breastfeeding because it "pushed her out", I was rude for not taking her advice and weaning them at 3 months because it made her feel upset that modern parenting is different; you name it, she moaned about it.

In reality she just wanted control and it killed her to know another woman was standing up and saying "nope, not happening" without apologising or giving excuses. It's such a shame because all she's done is miss out on their lovely childhoods because of her stubbornness.

Drum2018 · 19/03/2019 12:04

A big no from me too. What a ridiculous idea. You get to decide what suits your family, not your in laws. As for your Dh, tell him to cop on. Your child is too young, is in nursery, in a routine and who in their right mind would agree to that being disrupted weekly with a 4 hour round trip. Make a stand now, say it won't be happening and there really is no need to get into a discussion about it with them. I'd be telling them that if they push it, they are likely to see even less of your dc going forward. Entitled twats!

Mitzimaybe · 19/03/2019 12:04

Every week is ridiculous. Taking her out of nursery for it is ridiculous. The general idea of occasional overnights at grandparents is not ridiculous. Why can't it fit in around nursery? I don't understand that. You say she goes three days a week so surely they could pick her up on a day when she doesn't have nursery the next day? Or could they collect her Friday and bring her back Saturday?

I'd probably say you'll try it once with a view to it becoming monthly. If they want to see her more frequently they can alternate it with visits to you. Unless you're worried they won't look after her then I'd give it a try but with the proviso that if it doesn't work for any reason then it will stop.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 19/03/2019 12:05

At 3 ds decided he wanted to sleep at his dsis house. He sees her most days and she lives ten mins away.
She brought him back at 8 pm as he wanted to come home.
Unrealistic to send dd 2 hours away full stop.

Jaxhog · 19/03/2019 12:06

YANBU. If they want to see her, they can come to you at the moment. Maybe when she's older, she can visit with them. I also wouldn't be happy taking her out of school (nursery or otherwise) once a week for no good reason.

FlagranceDirect · 19/03/2019 12:13

I don't think the advice here to comprimise and agree to "once a month" is a good idea, at all

I agree with this, once a month is too much as well. And another pp who said that, to an outsider, this sounds like a ridiculous idea.
Anything that regularly upsets nursery and school routine is a pia for everybody.

Occasional weekend night, maybe. School hols, one night, no problem. But a regular weekly overnight stay so far away is nuts.
I used to be a walkover with my in-laws, but even I would have put my foot down here. It's a no from me.

Anique105 · 19/03/2019 12:13

Yanbu at all!! Shes still so very little and to be honest at their age I wouldn't be happy for them to have her overnight and at such a distance.

Honestly how dare they think they have a right to do this. And having you think of reasons to justify yourself. Your dh is wrong to make you do this.

If they are so desperate to see her they can come to you.

dragoning · 19/03/2019 12:14

I would say no for any one of those very valid reasons. That you don't trust FIL's driving is the one that stands out to me.

If it's only for five months I'd be inclined to find a compromise that suits your family. Maybe one day a month when your DH can drive her to her GPs and bring her home in the evening, or stay overnight himself in case she needs him in the night.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 19/03/2019 12:20

I would not compromise on once a month. Again they are not entitled to a set time with DD.
There are holidays, half term, Easter etc that they of course can see her. But Mid week is not suitable. If they want to contact OP and arrange an overnight in a few weeks at a weekend that would be reasonable.

But this sense of entitlement would really annoy me and make me ensure that they got nothing until they knew their place.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 19/03/2019 12:21

DD has had a regular overnight with the grandparents but only because it suited both us and them, it didn't reduce nursery time and they were only 45mins away.

I wouldn't want to reduce your DD's nursery time though as it's good preparation for Reception. DS is in nursery (same age as your DD) and he's following the early years curriculum, they need to be able to do quite a few things before they start full-time school in September.

From their tone, I would be very unlikely to even compromise as I think if you give an inch they'll take a mile. If they had asked and it was more of a discussion on what might be possible, then I would look at monthly options, meeting half way or visiting more often. However it doesn't look like your inlaws are in this mindset. Any routine is going to end up set in stone and they'll replace DD1 in September with DD2.

adulthumanwolf · 19/03/2019 12:22

Until she's 18 Grin

Just picturing a stroppy 15 year old agreeing to this once a week.