Not wanting DD to stay with grandparents

[greenfrog21]

DD1 is 3 (4 in May). DD2 is 8 months. My PiL (in their 70s) have just announced that as DD1 will be starting school in September and “that will be it until she’s 18”, they want to see her once per week next term. They live 2 hours’ drive / train away and want to collect DD1 by train after nursery mid-week, take her to their house, and drive her back the following evening.

I loathe the idea, for a number of reasons:

• I love the time that I have with DD1 (even meal times and taking / collecting her from nursery) and don’t want to give it up

• I do not like her staying overnight away from me, particularly that far away (she has stayed overnight at PiL once before, when I and DH were staying in a hotel nearby); she still comes into our bed every night

• I’m uncomfortable with FiL driving her that distance every week

• I will need to take DD1 out of her lovely nursery one day per week (reducing her number of days from 3 to 2)

• After a difficult period when DD2 was born, I have settled into a good daily routine with DD1 and DD2, which makes everyone happy, and I am reluctant to disturb it

• She is exhausted after nursery and I don’t think she will want to spend 2 hours travelling without me to stay somewhere without me

• I hate that PiL seem to think they have a right to do whatever they like with DD1

I have suggested that, instead, PiL come up to London for a day each week and take DD1 out, but they are insisting that they entertain DD1 on their own turf (they live in the country and don’t like London) and don’t want to spend 8 hours travelling in a day to do that.

By contrast, my DPs live 3 hours away and frequently come up for the day to spend time with DDs.

DH thinks it’s important for DD1 to spend time with others who love her, away from her parents. He’s happy for her to go, and thinks IABU (particularly with not wanting her to stay overnight), although equally thinks his parents are being unreasonable not wanting to come up for the day.

AIBU? How can I stop this from happening?!

That's a lot of travel for a preschooler after a day in nursery, and then again the following day.

This arrangement does not sound like it's in her best interests.

Another vote for 'no' without further discussion. If you feel inclined, she could go for the occasional overnight on a weekend?

Just tell them you can't change the contract with the nursery - which is true in the sense you'd most likely lose that day. My (lovely) DM did the odd day for us but didn't realise how nurseries work e.g. that you have to pay for the day all the time even if you don't use it every week.

Totally unrealistic of them.

As your dd’s mother you call the shots, and I agree with other posters saying its too disruptive, she’s still very very young and would say to your dh and pil’s that you will not even entertain this idea until she is alot older and even then only if she wants to.

If they want to see her every week then they are going to have to do the travelling, I don’t know what it is with grandparents who have this fixation with wanting to look after a grandchild alone and in their own house without the childs parents there its a bit weird.

Reiterate that to your dh that its not happening at least not till she’s much older, and that you won't even allow your parents to do that either so its nothing personal and he needs to communicate with his parent that, if he doesn’t you will.

Tell your DH again that you aren't prepared to do what your PIL have told you they want and then show him this thread.

Stick to your guns as it isn't in your DC's best interests. It isn't your fault your PIL live so far away and they need to fit into your routine. There isn't necessarily a reason why your DC should overnight with them ever if you don't want her to. If you are happy for her to stay overnight let it be in the school holidays and as frequently (or otherwise) as you decide.

Your answer needs to be " No, don't be so ridiculous"
They have had their chance to raise their children, and now it's your turn. You get to set the rules, they have no say at all.

She is exhausted after nursery and I don’t think she will want to spend 2 hours travelling

This is the point that really stands out to me. She is so young so 2 hours post nursery and then again the following morning is utterly ridiculous. I would totallly put my foot down on this and say that, once she is older and feels ready (and you feel ready) she can go and stay overnight in the school holidays. No time constraints then.

Also the way in which they have demanded this would totally put my back up too.

These arrangements sound excessive and disruptive for your Dd.

The needs of your in laws, your ex and his wife are just so not the priority in this. They are just incidental...

YANBU There are about ten reasons why this sounds an awful idea!

But also, it is surely not in the interests of your daughter at all! It sounds horrible for her. What selfish grandparents they sound!

Remind them there are such things as school holidays and that it would be better when she is older.

I really hope your husband can come round to your point of view. You may have to remind him that it is better to keep your wife happy than your mad, selfish parents.

No.

Absolutely nutty idea. And aaaalll about them!

Having your 3-4 year old spend two days every week travelling the equivalent of a weekend break distance, disrupting routine, taking her away from primary carer (she still comes into bed with you FGS!) when she doesn't need to be - all so two evidently very selfish people can play granny time but have little to no inconvenience? Just no.

Doing this with mine at that age would have been massively stressful for them. They wouldn't have enjoyed it at all - oh yes, as a one off. Every week? It wouldn't have taken long before Granny and Grandad day would have been met by tears and tantrums and 'oh please not again, not all that way, I miss you, I don't want to go'.

If it weren't for the fact that I would also absolutely bristle at the arrogance of this and definitely wish to respond putting PIL in their place (ask, yes, demand, no - this is NOT their child and let's get that sorted right away as there seems to be a fundamental misunderstanding on who is in charge here :) ) - then I would probably give it a go, just ot let your DH actually see how much of a big ask that is of a very tiny child, let him see just what an effect that would have on her sleeping patterns, her confidence, her tiredness. And let PIL see just how soon the novelty would wear off, too - I don't doubt for a second that after the first week or two of delightful granny time, when it's crying at bedtime and wanting mummy and NOT wanting to go to THAT park again - you would soon find them changing their tune.

But I wouldn't because it's bad for your DD. And ultimately, bad for your parenting arrangement. At the end of the day, something like this needs to be agreed on. You don't have to persuade him. And if it were your parents, he shouldn't have to persuade you. With big decisions like this, both parents need to feel ok about it, and you both have a veto. You veto this. Show him this thread to get him to understand that this is a big thing, and have a discussion about parenting red lines. At some point, you will be keen on letting her do something or go somewhere and he won't be, and the same will apply. No. As her parent, I don't want this. End of discussion.

No. It sounds nuts
But could you offer one weekend a month as an alternative? They do sound very keen and it might be nice for your DD.
After nursery is nuts. Especially in her pre-school year.

Absolutly not. I will never enter into a custody arrangement with someone who is not my child's parent.

I’d have wanted to bite someone, like a mother tiger, if they tried to take my 3yo away for a night a week. And I speak as a parent of teens now perfectly happy to spend a week away on camp without me or dh.

It’s an odd request, but regardless the onus is on you to put your foot down, absolutely no way. They are your kids and you have the veto here.

Now I am of a different view. Sometimes being a parent means being selfless and sharing your child with other people that have an emotional interest BUT also for the benefit of the child. The child WILL benefit from a close relationship with grandparents and the independence will help her grow in terms of getting her ready for school.

My view would be not saying no to access but saying what they have set out does not suit, and maybe work out something else that does. SO she is only in nursery three days - there are 4 days she is not. Can they collect her at a different time and place, can they have her less frequently for longer or building up to longer?

I do think its your responsibility to facilitate the relationship and be more selfless about it.

My own daughter was extremely precious to me - a premmie - BUT I still let my parents have a role in her life - less so MIL as she wasn't interested and was quite poorly at the time. But I also have 2 sisters and three brothers - they all had time with her too. So for e.g. she would stay 2 or 3 days at a rellies house before she went to school, so aged 1 to 3 and in fact even younger a couple of times. Neither of my sisters were ever likely to have their own kids (long story) so I chose not to be selfish about their relationship with my DD.

Just a different point of view.

As to age I am not sure that really signifies if they have good health and DD has activities/snacks sorted

Should say they are all a couple of hours away as well - although one of them was close for a year or so and she had regular sleep overs and LOVED it

Simple answer.

No.

'That's it until she's 18' is ludicrous. Explain slowly and carefully that she will have school holidays, half-terms and even weekends free and that as she gets older she will of course want to visit her grandparents sometimes, but for now, it's too far and too much.

What time does she finish nursery? Isn't it going to be terribly late by the time she gets there and they make and she has supper?? Have they considered bedtime and when she gets fed in all this? She is probably going to be beside herself with tiredness when she arrives or totally wired and impossible to give super to or put to bed having slept most of the way in the car. Good luck to her grandparents dealing with that meltdown!

I'd try to find a compromise. Maybe agree to it happening once a month. If they want more then insist once a month they can come to you (so they'd be seeing her twice a month) and either do all their travelling in a day, or come the night before, stay in a hotel, and spend the following day with DD.

All in all, it's only for 5 months as your DD will then be starting school.

I’d give me kids tianyone who would have them but even for me that’s excessive.

I'm a gran and this gets a 'no' from me as well. It's too disruptive of the child's life. I'm in my early 60s and my four-year old GD is exhausting! She loves to help and to do things, and I love to have her; she has been to stay for a night or two but I would never expect it on a regular basis unless it was agreed childcare to help the family and everyone was in favour.

If the grandparents want to see more of the children, they should move nearer. Not too near though.

Also, as she gets older, she will want to do other things at weekends, such as sports or dancing or music, and it's important that she is able to have a social circle at home.

Is your husband having a problem with standing up to his parents?

@bridgetreilly is spot on. From an outside POV this whole scheme is nuts and your ILs sound very entitled.

“No, that won’t be happening” is a sufficient response (and your DH needs to man up).

How can I stop this from happening?

You say NO.

I don't understand why you're even entertaining this.

Just say no! It is your child not theirs.
I joined mums net 10 years ago when my first grandchild was born so I could keep up with current practice.
I’ve never ever heard of this overnight/ on our own stuff with grandparents before joining!
I have mine when asked and they know I will have them anytime.
Just say no.

Just say no , now . If you don't they'll think they have a right to tell you what to do in all other areas of your life

This is a very odd demand - it's almost like you have a third parent that you're sharing custody with.

OP, you don't have to defend your way around their WANTS - your DD has NEEDS which include being parented in the way you and DH want, and this level of travel, disruption to her routine, being away from you in such a strict schedule overnight every single week... it's all too much.

They seem to think they're a 3rd parent - your DD has two parents, and you get to decide what happens with her, if the Grandparents don't like that.. well, she's not their daughter, is she? They've had their parenting days, it's not on to demand you fit your life and DD's weekly routine around bonkers ideas like this.

If your DH has an issue with wanting to ensure that DD is experiencing other people outside the two of you, not having too set a routine, and/or wants to build a good relationship with grandparents.. there are many more (sane, normal) ways of doing that than to agree to their mad, abnormal and logistically crazy plan.

Personally i suggest you don't get into the habit of even defending why this isn't going to happen - just keep repeating "That doesn't work for us. That's not going to happen. It doesn't work for us. It's not happening" beacuse I suspect any rational reason you come up with, they'll just use to bombard you with more expectations, having to say WHY you don't agree.

You don't agree to it, end of!