Not wanting DD to stay with grandparents

[greenfrog21]

DD1 is 3 (4 in May). DD2 is 8 months. My PiL (in their 70s) have just announced that as DD1 will be starting school in September and “that will be it until she’s 18”, they want to see her once per week next term. They live 2 hours’ drive / train away and want to collect DD1 by train after nursery mid-week, take her to their house, and drive her back the following evening.

I loathe the idea, for a number of reasons:

• I love the time that I have with DD1 (even meal times and taking / collecting her from nursery) and don’t want to give it up

• I do not like her staying overnight away from me, particularly that far away (she has stayed overnight at PiL once before, when I and DH were staying in a hotel nearby); she still comes into our bed every night

• I’m uncomfortable with FiL driving her that distance every week

• I will need to take DD1 out of her lovely nursery one day per week (reducing her number of days from 3 to 2)

• After a difficult period when DD2 was born, I have settled into a good daily routine with DD1 and DD2, which makes everyone happy, and I am reluctant to disturb it

• She is exhausted after nursery and I don’t think she will want to spend 2 hours travelling without me to stay somewhere without me

• I hate that PiL seem to think they have a right to do whatever they like with DD1

I have suggested that, instead, PiL come up to London for a day each week and take DD1 out, but they are insisting that they entertain DD1 on their own turf (they live in the country and don’t like London) and don’t want to spend 8 hours travelling in a day to do that.

By contrast, my DPs live 3 hours away and frequently come up for the day to spend time with DDs.

DH thinks it’s important for DD1 to spend time with others who love her, away from her parents. He’s happy for her to go, and thinks IABU (particularly with not wanting her to stay overnight), although equally thinks his parents are being unreasonable not wanting to come up for the day.

AIBU? How can I stop this from happening?!

See I live in the city and this (regular time in the countryside) sounds lovely to me, but fortnightly rather than weekly. Gives you one on one time with DC2 as well which is so precious.

Be assertive, put your foot down.

I'm quite easy going in this sort of thing but I'd say no way. Especially pulling her out of nursery one day a week - even if not though I'd say no. An occasional overnight (not mid week) is fine but not every week and not mid week.

I am a grandparent. As far as I am concerned what the mother says goes (in this case DiL). It has served us well for the last 13 years.

I tip toed around my exILs when they made similar demands on “their time” with DC1. Insisting they had them overnight once a week etc... it made me utterly miserable but I felt bullied into it.
By the time DC2 came along I’d had enough. I just said no. I was polite and said they can come visit us whenever and they once overnight a month was all I was willing to let my DC go.
I’m so glad I stood up to them. I am their mummy and there’s no need for once a week overnight stays, I felt like I was sharing custody of them with the grandparents.

I said no, it’s too much, my parents would also like time with them and I wasn’t willing to have my children gone 2 nights a week if both sets of grandparents were to be treated fairly.

I can't believe they've asked and your husband's a prick for not having your back. If they want to see more of their grandchildren they should move near to them.

You tell them that it is not in the best interest of your dd, very simple. They have no right to have her. Why does your dh have any kind of issue with this?

She is so young. Does she have regular contact with them? And what's with the school till she's 18 comment. They do realise she will have have school holidays.

With an attitude like that would become be no from me.

They do not get to dictate.

Your DH needs to man up and tell his parents No.

Don’t forget that if you do agree and they decide after a few weeks/months that actually it doesn’t work for them anymore you may well have lost your nursery place and will then be stuck for childcare.

Also what happens if they are ill and unable to collect her/drop her off? Will it fall to you to take time off to cover it or will DH pick up the slack?

Far too impractical, if you and DH can’t agree as her parents then the default is NO!

Say "No" and simply state it is not in your daughter's best interests due to the amount of disruption it would cause a 4 year old. Children that age need around 12 hours sleep a night and are highly likely to play up and/or get ill if they don't get enough.

As a PP said it should they can do it for one night in the holidays and as your daughter gets older, so needs less sleep, it can progress to including term time as well.

Btw when arguing with people about something concerning your children always explain why it is going to cause issues for the child not you.

It’d be no from me too - DH sounds like he doesn’t get it and is prioritising his parents’ wishes/feelings over yours and DD’s.

"Sorry DG, that wouldn't work for our family. Once DD1 is settled in school, we can talk about a way of you spending time with her that suits us all".

No. This would be a definite no. Presenting it as a decision which you have to fall in line with is nuts.

I also think your parents are nuts for driving 6 hours in a day to look after DDs but that is obviously their decision

It's a ridiculous idea!
Instead, I would suggest the occasional Friday night sleepover, and then some sleepovers during school holidays, (when they will actually be doingbyou a favour by providing free childcare). Even if they lived 5 minutes away, I still wouldn't do a mid week sleepover. In that case I think might be a nursery pick up and tea at theirs to be returned to yours for normal bed time.
Reminds your DH that as parents your job is to provide the best care for your children, NOT keep YOUR parents happy!

YesimstillwatchingNetflix - parenting by committee
Love it! 😂

That's nuts.

I think an over night once a month would be ok and are it's important for her to know she's ok elsewhere, in case there is s need for her to be logged after by others, but not mid week, if they want her over night they fit her schedule, you don't take her out of nursery to suit them.

She needs routine though for school losing a day a week for nursery is absolutely the worst thing for HER

I think it is lovely they are so keen. Your dd could nap in the car then have plenty of energy to spend with grandparents. Routines change they are adaptable. Send her on a day that leads into a non nursery day so she doesn't miss any time there.

You have her every other day. Most of your reasons can be overcome.

In reality I expect every week will be too much for grandparents too, I would start once a fortnight and see how it goes.

It’s not up to them at all. Just tell them it’s not convenient and it’s not happening.

Just to say if you give in to these ridiculous demands you are feeding their 'rights' to your dd. They may try to increase to week ends when she is at school ft. Splitting your dc /family time every week end. And if you ever divorced they could take you to court and have access granted after such regular 'access'.
Nip the idea right now.

I'd hate that! I'd also be fuming with my DH if he thought it was a good idea. I think I'd possibly say something along the lines of:

We'll come and stay with you for a few days in the holidays and then (only if you really were sure) DD might stay an extra night and you can bring her back the next day.

But in all honesty I'd be saying
"Maybe when she's a bit older" on repeat for a while!

Why are grandparents needing 'alone time'??? Isn't family time enough?