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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take the baby to the toilet with me

128 replies

LLOE7 · 18/03/2019 23:45

I have a 5 month old dd who is very much a Velcro baby. She only settles with me, but to be honest dh hasn't really tried to gain a bond with her, just says that she never wants him and just wants me- he says he will look after her when she's older as she's for me to look after while she is a baby. Anyway I have a very upset tummy tonight so have to keep visiting the toilet. I just went to the toilet and dd was crying, dh was shushing her and blowing in her face Hmm and telling me to 'come on' I told him I'm not well and to comfort her, then I rushed as fast as I could. When I got back and took dd back we had this conversation-
Dh "You keep upsetting her, you have been to the toilet three times now about 20 minutes each time"
Me "I'm not well, what am I supposed to do?"
Dh "well you have to consider her needs, she comes first. Take her with you."
Me "But I'm not well, you only need to look after her for a little while. Try comforting her instead of just blowing in her face. I'm having really bad cramps and a bad tummy."
Dh "You need to consider her needs, she just wants you, she doesn't want me she just screams"
Me "But how is it fair on me to hold her while I'm on the toilet with a poorly tummy?"
Dh "This sounds like emotional blackmail now."
Me "What? No. How is it fair on me to take her with me while I am having a poorly tummy and she will just want to breastfeed? That's not fair is it and I will struggle if I have her with me when I've finished and everything" (Blush)
Dh "Well life isn't fair. She just wants you we don't need to go through this again."
Then he promptly went back to sleep.

So my tummy is grumbling at me and I am having awful cramps so what do I do? Take her with me or leave her for dh to comfort? Who is BU? The reason she is crying is because we co sleep and I breastfeed so me getting up disturbs her.

OP posts:
smellsofelderberries · 19/03/2019 09:31

Wt actual f at your husband. He is being a cunt.

Sunonthepatio · 19/03/2019 09:33

When he is telling you to consider her needs, he actually means his own needs. He doesn't want the bother of holding her, and he wants to make it your fault.

Raspberrytruffle · 19/03/2019 09:47

What a total knob! Yanbu, its disgusting. I'd be cheeky and say ok il take dd to the loo every time I get a poorly tummy but you know as you say dd needs to be held so you can wipe me as dd needs me Grin

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 19/03/2019 10:07

He's an utter dick. And Please tell him I said that.

Original poster
LLOE7 · 19/03/2019 10:16

Hello, I had an awful night so begged dh to stay home today to help me. He has just taken dd downstairs so I could go to the toilet. I plan to do nothing but lay in bed today and only have dd when she is feeding so hopefully dh will step up and look after both dc. He is currently on the Xbox so I'm going to tell him to change her nappy and then go back to bed. Thanks for all the replies!

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 19/03/2019 10:19

You cannot take a small baby into the bathroom while you are using the toilet with what is very possible a bug of some sort.

Tell your dh to sort his bond out now. My dh didn't and my our youngest daughter (now 10) doesn't want a bar of him.

blackteasplease · 19/03/2019 10:22

Take a a day off because you beg him to look after his kids while you are ill and then is on the Xbox? Now I've heard it all Hmm

blackteasplease · 19/03/2019 10:24

Tell your dh to sort his bond out now. My dh didn't and my our youngest daughter (now 10) doesn't want a bar of him.

As an aside this is exactly what I have with exh. Exactly. There's no bond between them as he didn't bother when she was a sick baby (or a toddler or infant schooler...)

He's got a bond with d's funnily enough.

burritofan · 19/03/2019 10:37

He is currently on the Xbox so I'm going to tell him to change her nappy and then go back to bed.
He needs to be told this?!

ShaggyRug · 19/03/2019 10:48

Wow. What an awful husband you have.

I’m sorry you’re married to such a dick.

Hope you feel better soon.

hdowney · 19/03/2019 11:14

I will just echo what PPs have said. Your H is a dick. Hopefully he steps up to the plate today and you can relax and recover. Here is your sister in spirit cos I also spent most the night on the looSad

SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2019 11:16

Glad you're in bed. If he suggests you hold her beyond feeding you are VERY woozy and might drop her. You absolutely can't. And he needs to bring you fluids and plain toast.

RoboticSealpup · 19/03/2019 11:17

He is currently on the Xbox

Of course he fucking is.

MissB83 · 19/03/2019 11:19

What an unbelievable git! As many people have said he needs to step up. There's no reason at all that a dad can't do everything for his baby girl (barring breastfeeding!). I have two male friends who have been raising an adopted girl since she was 1! How does he think they manage?

I hope you're feeling better soon OP Thanks having a tummy bug or any illness with a Velcro baby is very hard!

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 19/03/2019 11:29

My god. He sounds horrendous. I'm so sorry @LLOE7

I hope you feel better soon.

mondaylisasmile · 19/03/2019 11:30

He is currently on the Xbox so I'm going to tell him to change her nappy and then go back to bed.

So despite being ill, and him being the primary carer for the day, you're STILL having to co-ordinate and do the mental load work of childcare?

Your DH is bang out of order. Aside from the practical / hygiene risk of suggesting taking a 5 month old baby to the toilet when you clearly have a bug and aren't in a fit state, which is completely bizarre on his part.. he can't even step up and properly parent his own children when you're ill in bed and he's supposedly doing the primary caring?

OP, you need to see how unbalanced this all is. Either make a move to change it now (and that means STOP taking on responsibility for managing needs like nappy changes when he's supposed to be doing the childcare) or you're going to face years and years of this...

This is the sort of situation that simply breeds years of resentment down the line -and quite rightly too.

When do you get your "xbox time"? I suspect the answer is "never" if he expects that can't even go to the loo whilst ill on your own.

EKGEMS · 19/03/2019 13:21

My husband may not be perfect but if he tried what yours did towards our baby he'd be gone so fast his head would spin! What your husband is doing is emotionally neglecting both his daughter and you! I hope he loses every single game on Xbox and gets a leg cramp as well

FrozenMargarita17 · 19/03/2019 19:55

You'd be better off alone op

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/03/2019 20:40

You seem very blasé about his behaviour OP.

Not wanting to hold her while you've got the shits is really strange. Wanting you to take her with you is both impractical and unhygienic - he'd rather risk her catching it than parent his child for a few minutes?

Why is it 'your job' to look after her while she's young? Because you're a woman?

I'm sorry but being uncomfortable changing her because she's a girl is really weird. Why is he thinking of a baby in any sort of sexual context? Why does he not think it's weird you changing your son?

I think there are some quite disturbing things going on here, sexism being the minimum

ScrewyMcScrewup · 19/03/2019 20:44

OP, you know this isn't normal? That you don't have to settle for this? There are men out there who will treat you like a human being deserving of care and love.

C0untDucku1a · 19/03/2019 20:47

Dear god i agree with sleepingstandingup.

Do not get up

Stompythedinosaur · 19/03/2019 20:47

I have read some posts about crap partners on mn, but this literally takes the biscuit. He sounds like a selfish arsehole who doesn't care about you or his baby.

He wants you to care for a baby while having the shots rather than being very mildly inconvenienced for a short period.

He wants his baby daughter to catch diarrhoea rather than be mildly inconvenienced for a short period.

woodhill · 19/03/2019 20:47

Just ridiculous

Sciurus83 · 19/03/2019 20:50

Why are you putting up with this shit?

Nanny0gg · 19/03/2019 23:00

When you're better I suggest you take a hammer to the X Box.

And then a foot to his backside as you kick him out.

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