Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take the baby to the toilet with me

128 replies

LLOE7 · 18/03/2019 23:45

I have a 5 month old dd who is very much a Velcro baby. She only settles with me, but to be honest dh hasn't really tried to gain a bond with her, just says that she never wants him and just wants me- he says he will look after her when she's older as she's for me to look after while she is a baby. Anyway I have a very upset tummy tonight so have to keep visiting the toilet. I just went to the toilet and dd was crying, dh was shushing her and blowing in her face Hmm and telling me to 'come on' I told him I'm not well and to comfort her, then I rushed as fast as I could. When I got back and took dd back we had this conversation-
Dh "You keep upsetting her, you have been to the toilet three times now about 20 minutes each time"
Me "I'm not well, what am I supposed to do?"
Dh "well you have to consider her needs, she comes first. Take her with you."
Me "But I'm not well, you only need to look after her for a little while. Try comforting her instead of just blowing in her face. I'm having really bad cramps and a bad tummy."
Dh "You need to consider her needs, she just wants you, she doesn't want me she just screams"
Me "But how is it fair on me to hold her while I'm on the toilet with a poorly tummy?"
Dh "This sounds like emotional blackmail now."
Me "What? No. How is it fair on me to take her with me while I am having a poorly tummy and she will just want to breastfeed? That's not fair is it and I will struggle if I have her with me when I've finished and everything" (Blush)
Dh "Well life isn't fair. She just wants you we don't need to go through this again."
Then he promptly went back to sleep.

So my tummy is grumbling at me and I am having awful cramps so what do I do? Take her with me or leave her for dh to comfort? Who is BU? The reason she is crying is because we co sleep and I breastfeed so me getting up disturbs her.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 19/03/2019 00:20

Lick his toothbrush.

HeronLanyon · 19/03/2019 00:24

It wasn’t surprising at all that he was involved with his son but not his daughter in the same way. Could have put money on it given his view of you. Really sorry Op. hope he changes.

wowsertrousers · 19/03/2019 00:29

Haha lick his toothbrush. Brilliant. Grin

Sorry OP, hope you feel better in the morning and your DD doesn't catch it. My DH was an utter arsebag on many occasions while my DC's were babies, but even he realised that if I had a tummy bug he had to step up and take over as much as he could, partly to give me a break but mostly to prevent the kids catching it off me. If your DH was really fussed about putting your DDs needs first, he'd be doing the same.

MumUnderTheMoon · 19/03/2019 00:29

Could you go and sleep somewhere else so you won't wake them when you get up to go. If she wakes up hungry you'll hear her. Or do you have any expressed milk he could feed her with. Surely if you've got a tummy upset taking her to the toilet isn't hygienic he is being very unreasonable.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 19/03/2019 00:31

I thought this was going to be someone worried about leaving a sleeping 3mo for 5min to have a wee in peace or something! YANBU OP.

Not a great idea to take a baby into the bathroom around an upset stomach. Not hygienic. Also, as someone with stomach issues... It's just not practical. Especially not when she has another parent just outside the door, whom you should be able to rely on. You can remind him that you know he's better than this; he proved it with your DS.

You have a velcro baby. In this instance it sounds like she WANTS you more than she NEEDS you in those minutes (happy to be corrected though, you know your child, I don't). It's horrible but it won't harm her to wait.

Original poster
LLOE7 · 19/03/2019 00:31

Honestly I'm not sure if it's because she is a girl. I think it's because our ds is 3 so a lot more interesting and 'rewarding' so he doesn't have much interest in the baby. I was actually starting to worry he may have a form of postnatal depression as the difference in his reaction to both dc was just so different. Saying that, he does out right refuse to bath her because it's 'uncomfortable' and 'feels wrong' as she is a girl.
My tummy is starting to settle now so I am going to try to get some sleep.

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 19/03/2019 00:35

What a mean bastard. Sad

I really hope you feel better soon Flowers

tildaMa · 19/03/2019 00:38

We have an older ds who dh is absolutely amazing with - has been since he was born
the difference in his reaction to both dc was just so different
he does out right refuse to bath her because it's 'uncomfortable' and 'feels wrong' as she is a girl

Nooo, it's definitely not because she's a girl. Sure.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2019 00:38

I think it's because our ds is 3 so a lot more interesting

We have an older ds who dh is absolutely amazing with - has been since he was born

So it's not age as he was good with his son.

does out right refuse to bath her because it's 'uncomfortable' and 'feels wrong' as she is a girl
Trying it on so he can be a lazy dick
Has a history of sexual abuse so is unclear on boundaries
Thinks his naked baby is somehow a sexual being

One is annoying and would be worth considering a relationship over. One is forgivable but I would suggest therapy. One is ltb terrritory.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 19/03/2019 00:39

Firstly, I hope you feel better soon.

Secondly, I’ve read of many men being twats over their baby dc’s, however your dp has just come in the running for the biggest twat of them all.

MirriVan · 19/03/2019 00:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OvertiredandConfused · 19/03/2019 00:43

What SleepingStandingUp said

Hope you feel better soon

WeirdAndPissedOff · 19/03/2019 00:51

Ah, the old "baby doesn't want me" get out of jail free card.
I've yet to see it said by someone who isn't a lazy or manipulative twat.

If DH has even half a brain, it should be completely obvious that DD going to the bathroom with you whilst you're unwell isn't in baby's interests, so who really benefits?

Hope you feel better soon. Flowers

StoppinBy · 19/03/2019 00:56

Oh wow, he is behaving like an idiot, a complete and utter idiot.

I have actually taken my baby with me to the toilet when I badly needed to wee and I was already feeding DD as she was such a hard baby to feed I didn't want to take her off, I don't allow my children to 'cry it out' and I always kiss and cuddle them better when they fall over/get a fright etc.

In your circumstances I would do exactly the same as you and be super annoyed at my husband if he said what yours is saying, becoming a Mum meant I feel enough guilt over doing things for myself, let alone someone trying to make you 'consider your child's needs' when you have the runs and are living on the toilet. SMH at your Husband.

Peterpiperpickedwrong · 19/03/2019 00:57

Be a shame if your grumbling tummy exploded all over his leg Grin
Hope you feel better soon and manage some sleep.

AntiHop · 19/03/2019 01:00

He is being ridiculous and I feel sad for your dd that he's acting that way.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/03/2019 01:20

I'd go with kicking him til he wakes up and then telling him that his CHILD needs looking after, and HE needs to do it because YOU are sick and do not want the baby to catch it.

HE is an utter fucking cunt, and a sexist one too by the sound of it, and I don't actually know why you haven't already kicked him in the nads and told him to fuck off.

AhoyDelBoy · 19/03/2019 01:31

I’ve read the OP, a few responses and your updates. I didn’t really need to read the responses because I knew it would be a resounding YANBU.

Dh "This sounds like emotional blackmail now." I actually laughed at this. He sounds like a dick tbf.

It’s absolutely ludicrous that you should have to watch your DD while you’re sick on the toilet and he’s at home. I mean really? Ok mate. No.

Marchitectmummy · 19/03/2019 01:57

You poor thing, least he could do is look after his child while you are sorting yourself out.

Is there any element of the fact he had just woke up, I can say some crazy things half asleep. Just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

What he is saying isn't fair but from your updates t sounds like you need a chat in the cold light or day to solve whatever is going on here. He can't just choose to feel awkward because she's a girl that's no good for any of you as she starts growing and noticing. Chat calmly and see what's wrong .

Celebelly · 19/03/2019 02:47

He's being a tool. A couple of weeks ago, I had a sudden upset stomach in the night. I rushed with then three-week-old and wailing DD into spare room where DP was sleeping, shook him awake, said 'you need to take her, I'm not well' and then rushed to toilet where I remained for some time.

The only thing he said when I eventually returned at 4am was 'are you ok?' I expect him to parent his daughter just like I do. He's not helping me out or doing me a favour, he's being a parent and doing his share, be that feeding, changing, or just comforting and holding her.

IC4nSeeYourPixels · 19/03/2019 03:02

He's a sexist prick.

If he continues treating her so differently to her Brother she will pick on this as she grows up.

How your stomach feels better soon but I'd be very tempted to shit in slippers to be honest.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/03/2019 03:18

What a prick. Don't be foolish enough to have another baby with him. Get your finances in order and secure an exit from this hell of a relationship.

2birds1stone · 19/03/2019 04:00

Sounds like he needs to get a grip and realise it took 2 if you to make dd so every once in a while can step up.

When my dc was about 6 months I had d&v, 3am I rushed to the toilet throwing up.... unfortunalty I didn't realise the pressure would make my backside explode too..... so there I am head in the bowl sat in my own shit sobbing which is when dc woke up for a breast feed.... my dh went between trying to settle dc and getting me in the shower and disposing of my soiled garments like a bloody super hero (in my eyes) also took the next day off to look after us both.

That is what a partner and daddy does (imho) and if he hadnt helped dc at the least serious words would have been had.

I hope you managed to get some sleep and feel better. Having a bad tummy and trying to bf a baby is the worst

HotpotLawyer · 19/03/2019 04:05

It’s hardly hygienic to take the baby into the toilet when you have a bad stomach.

And impractical.

Blow in his face!

Snog · 19/03/2019 04:15

DH behaviour is disgusting, why would you pit up with this?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread