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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not take the baby to the toilet with me

128 replies

LLOE7 · 18/03/2019 23:45

I have a 5 month old dd who is very much a Velcro baby. She only settles with me, but to be honest dh hasn't really tried to gain a bond with her, just says that she never wants him and just wants me- he says he will look after her when she's older as she's for me to look after while she is a baby. Anyway I have a very upset tummy tonight so have to keep visiting the toilet. I just went to the toilet and dd was crying, dh was shushing her and blowing in her face Hmm and telling me to 'come on' I told him I'm not well and to comfort her, then I rushed as fast as I could. When I got back and took dd back we had this conversation-
Dh "You keep upsetting her, you have been to the toilet three times now about 20 minutes each time"
Me "I'm not well, what am I supposed to do?"
Dh "well you have to consider her needs, she comes first. Take her with you."
Me "But I'm not well, you only need to look after her for a little while. Try comforting her instead of just blowing in her face. I'm having really bad cramps and a bad tummy."
Dh "You need to consider her needs, she just wants you, she doesn't want me she just screams"
Me "But how is it fair on me to hold her while I'm on the toilet with a poorly tummy?"
Dh "This sounds like emotional blackmail now."
Me "What? No. How is it fair on me to take her with me while I am having a poorly tummy and she will just want to breastfeed? That's not fair is it and I will struggle if I have her with me when I've finished and everything" (Blush)
Dh "Well life isn't fair. She just wants you we don't need to go through this again."
Then he promptly went back to sleep.

So my tummy is grumbling at me and I am having awful cramps so what do I do? Take her with me or leave her for dh to comfort? Who is BU? The reason she is crying is because we co sleep and I breastfeed so me getting up disturbs her.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 19/03/2019 04:26

DH: "You really need to consider me and how uncomfortable I feel when it looks as if I have no choice but to deal with my own child's crying. Also I can't be arsed because I want to sleep. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me."

Fixed that for ya.

If you're still up, go to the bathroom and do not look back. This is a no brainer. Your H is (on paper anyway) a grown up and he needs to figure out a way to deal with the baby on his own. By which I mean he needs to get over himself.

Do not bring the baby into the bathroom with you. She will catch your germs and there is a danger of you fainting while holding her too.

he does out right refuse to bath her because it's 'uncomfortable' and 'feels wrong' as she is a girl.
Ask him straight up if he is a paedo. If not then he needs to crack on.

YeahNah1980 · 19/03/2019 04:33

Point proven! He’s an arsehole

VioletJune90 · 19/03/2019 04:49

My goodness. And you haven't left him WHY? He sounds vile, sexist, lazy and just generally awful.

Grobagsforever · 19/03/2019 04:49

I had to take my baby to the bathroom with me when I had a vomiting bug.

Because my husband had died.

Your husband is alive but probably less useful than my dead one. So sorry you're married to this man.

Notquiteagandt · 19/03/2019 04:57

I was in a simular position last week. I am a single parent tgough. Had to leave 5wk old (at the time!) Screaming in her crib as I had to run loo half way through a feed. Was throwing up with a bad stomach. 3 trips in I didnt consider taking her with me. But listening to hwr cry broke my heart and I still feel guilty. But there was nothing I could do.

If there was an other adult there who ignored her I would go collosal. I would be so so so angry

What a dick!!

Shoxfordian · 19/03/2019 05:02

He's a knob
What are you going to do about it?

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 19/03/2019 05:14

I'm guessing he learned the term emotional blackmail from a past girlfriend who rightly accused him of doing it to her. Talk about projection.

He sounds like a complete arsehole. What good is he as a partner if he doesn't step up when you are unwell?

Don't have anymore children with him unless he changes dramatically. You'll only be more stuck and overrun.

Mrscog · 19/03/2019 05:23

So many men give up on relationships at the baby stage because the baby appears to ‘prefer’ the mum. They must be too thick that they have to work on it and not give up! A couple of extra hours during an emergency like a stomach bug is probably all it would take.

userwithnumbers · 19/03/2019 05:28

Red flags here, OP.

Onescaredmuma · 19/03/2019 05:42

Your DH is definitely unreasonable

INeedNewShoes · 19/03/2019 05:49

I hope you're on the mend now OP.

Of course your DH should comfort your baby so that you can go to the bathroom in peace.

No one needs to take their baby to the bathroom with them. Even if there isn't another parent to look after them, the baby is better off being left a bit upset than being exposed to germs like that.

DD is nearly 2 and I have never taken her into the bathroom with me when I go to the toilet (though there's not much choice in the matter now as she follows me in.)

Your DH's comments about bathing his daughter suggest there is a big problem here. Are you really willing for your DD to grow up in a family where she sees her brother being favoured by her father? I wouldn't be. Your DH needs to sort his ideas out straight away.

babyworry2018 · 19/03/2019 06:01

Please don't underestimate how awful this is.

I have a 5 month old DD, my DH did say before she was born he wondered if it would be strange changing her nappies etc as she was a girl. All that obviously disappeared once she was born. She's exclusively breastfed and I'm on mat leave but as soon as he gets home he takes the lead on nappies, playing with her, etc so I have a break and he gets proper time with her till we do bedtime together. Sometimes the only thing that will comfort her is the boob but he gives it a damn good try first so we're as equal in parenting her as we can be.

I would honestly be demanding some kind of family therapy. He is not normal in what he's saying and has the potential to really damage your daughter. It's possible to nip this in the bud now but I really wouldn't let it go on any further. If my DH said any of those things to me I would honestly leave him. It's not just abusive and gaslighting towards you but the baby.

user1480880826 · 19/03/2019 06:10

Does DH stand for Dickhead Husband?

How the hell are you meant to go to the toilet whilst holding a baby?! And how is that remotely hygienic? Not to mention that you sound like you might have a stomach bug which presumably you don’t want to give to your baby.

Your Dickhead Husband needs to have a long hard think about his relationship with his child. And being a good parent to the older child does not absolve him of his responsibilities to his baby.

NinnieNouse · 19/03/2019 06:14

Posts like this make me so glad I had my baby by myself.
Can he hear himself when he speaks? He is her father!

OohYeBelter47 · 19/03/2019 06:25

Shocking, how mean, unhygenic and dickful of him

Iloveacurry · 19/03/2019 06:26

Next time he’s ill, dump the kids on him. Honestly, he’s been very unreasonable.

TeddyIsaHe · 19/03/2019 06:38

@NinnieNouse me too! Sometimes I think life would be easier with a partner and then I read things like this and know it absolutely wouldn’t.

Op woman up! Tell him he’s a father and so will be parenting just as much as you. He’s too uncomfortable to bath her?! I’ve heard it all now.

HogMother · 19/03/2019 06:44

I would be pointing out that wants and needs are not the same. Yes she wants you, but she needs not to be sitting on the loo with you. She also needs a dad who projects some sort of caring safe and nurturing qualities. She might not cry so much at him then.
Hope you’re better soon

PositiveVibez · 19/03/2019 06:46

Sexist, cruel, lazy, selfish and also a bit weird saying he's uncomfortable bathing his own child.

What are his good points???

TwoRoundabouts · 19/03/2019 06:47

He's a prized a-hole.

I have a 6 month who screams if left alone in a room if you go to the toilet. However she screams if either myself or her father leaves her alone. The reason being is she is happy to be with either if us as we were both hands on from the beginning.

Your baby would be fine with her father if he actually bothered to pick her up and cuddle her. Unfortunately some idiot men decide that they shouldn't be hands on from the beginning, don't pull their weight around the house, fuck off for hours to do their hobbies and then wonder why their relationship with their partner has failed.

TheoriginalLEM · 19/03/2019 06:49

Is he quite well? Because he actually sounds fucking insane!

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 19/03/2019 06:51

He is an arsehole, you need to seriously think of your daughter if you stay with him. How does he treat women in general ?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 19/03/2019 06:59

When DS was really tiny (few weeks old) and a velcro baby add I was home alone, if he was unsettled I have been for a wee holding him, but never while DH was in the house!! DS is four months now and happy to go into his cot in the nursery (he doesn't sleep in his room yet so it's a bit of a novelty) and watch his mobile for a few minutes while I go to the toilet , so if DH is at work he goes in there. Your DH IBVU

HomoHeinekenensis · 19/03/2019 07:12

Postnatal depression? No. Common or garden misogynistic dickhead that has to always be right. Does exactly what he wants to do and nothing more and would soon be an ex if he were mine.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/03/2019 07:13

If your dd doesn’t want to spend time with him I’d think she’s already a good judge of character.

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