Mil being a nightmare

[lelrx]

Just wondering if I am being unreasonable or whether my mil has jealousy issues
I married her son late last year, I've always got on with her, made an effort to visit once a week, always get his family lovely presents
My husband has 1 full brother and other siblings from his mom's second marriage, the 3 from the second marriage are favoured and get presents and attention etc and just can't do no wrong
My husband and his brother don't even get a birthday card, I don't get a birthday card and we didn't even get a wedding card/gift. Actually we got a set of champagne glasses after a few months

His mom and partner promised us a couple of hundred towards the wedding and was adamant we would get it, I asked my husband to bring it up to them as we had to pay our photographer, we got a mouthful so left that where it was as she was quite nasty about it and made it all about herself

She also caused loads of trouble before my hen do, arguing with my friends (half her age) refusing to participate in fancy dress etc to the point where she decided she no longer wanted to come, what she was asked to participate wasn't unreasonable, in fact it was very tame

It is now coming up to my baby shower, I have invited everyone on a Facebook event including my own mom, I haven't hand delivered any invites or text anybody personally because it's easier to do it all in one place
Well now she's not impressed that's she's been invited to her grand daughters baby shower over Facebook and she's making it about herself again
I can't help but feel that anything we organise to celebrate she likes to cause some sort of drama and make it about her. We'll this time I'm not even addressing it. She text my husband to tell him she wasn't impressed and thankfully he didn't reply to her (he pussyfoots around her alot) obviously because its easier but I'm so fed up of being made to feel crap

I wouldn't mind but I try and involve her and she doesn't appreciate it. She makes no effort especially if she thinks she has to put her hand in her pocket

YABU enforcing fancy dress, having a baby shower (tacky) and then not even bothering with invitations and chasing your MIL for money to pay for your photographer. You come across as grabby. Ugh.

Just stop trying to involve her. My SIL is a bit like this, has to make everything about her so if we have to invite her to something, which is rare, and she starts going off about it we just say "we were trying to be polite by inviting you, you can come and be pleasant or just don't come. It really makes no difference."

Oh I did miss the bit about the money. That is tacky, I'd also advise not planning anything with other people's money.

I suspect things are going to become worse when ‘her’ grand daughter is born 🙄

If it were me, I’d start reducing contact and put in healthy boundaries

Enforced fancy dress made me inwardly shudder, I hate it lol so can't blame her there.

It's absolutely not about the money, she kept saying she was going to give us some towards it, she shouldn't have offered it if she didn't want to
The fancy dress for my hen do wasn't organised by me, it was only a headband, a pretty one so it wasn't unreasonable

Lots of people have baby showers get over it, I work 2 demanding jobs and don't have the time to individually send invitations, it was a case of everyone being on there and it takes a few minutes with information accessible, people lose invites

Well if she comes, she comes. If she doesn't, she doesn't! It all sounds too much of a faff. Some people like to take everything personally.

She also constantly borrows money off us, she doesn't care about ringing us to lend £20 every week

I would stop involving her, where has it got you and your DH. She doesn't appreciate your efforts and she doesn't treat either of you well. She will always let you down. She is not going to change.

Carry on with your baby shower plans but do not include her anymore. You invited and she has been rude, take her actions as 'I cannot attend'. Enjoy yourself with your family and friends. You do not need this begrudging sour puss scowling in the corner.

Good OP.

And stop lending her money. You are not a bank. 'I'm afraid nor, we have a baby on the way, perhaps try ..........(INSERT FAVOURED SONS NAMES)

You get over it OP, bloody rude coming on here moaning about your MIL because she clearly can see straight through you, then bitching at posters who disagree with you!

Don’t get dragged in, lower contact, do not lend money, concentrate on your growing baby & set some firm boundaries with MIL around baby for when they arrive

Is there a rule on Mumsnet that the first poster has to be an absolute arse who lays into the OP for no reason

Zippy you are 'Ugh'

OP I'd try not to let her upset you and back away - your MIL sounds like a bit of a controlling drama llama

I have said this to my husband as it wasn't long ago they wanted £200 of all 5 children because they hadnt paid their rent for a few months but he still lent it, they have always relied on the eldest 2 quite heavily but he feels guilty if he doesn't help but they are adults and should understand the consequences of not paying their rent, they both work so there isn't an excuse for it not being paid

As far as them offering us money towards our wedding as a gift I don't see why mentioning it is a problem, we had the money to pay for it but if someone insists on paying towards it then that is up to them, we didn't ask for a penny off anybody, we wouldn't have got married if we couldn't afford it

I'm petty. I wouldn't invite her to see her granddaughter at the hospital - if she went ballistic I'd say 'sorry, thought you were waiting on a formal invite to that, too'.
But it's probably going to get worse. Just ignore her and stop engaging at all. Leave her for your DH to sort out.

Is there a rule on Mumsnet that the first poster has to be an absolute arse who lays into the OP for no reason

Yes I've noticed this. And I hate the way some posters seem to deliberately interpret the OP in the worst possible way, just so they can be nasty. Because it's AIBU, didn't you know?

Your MIL sounds like hard work. Just don't lend money and if she offers again say 'No thank you'. That will make life much simpler.

I haven't really contacted of visited much over the past few months due to having kidney problems whilst being pregnant and being in and out of hospital
She has complained about that too but there's no reason she can't visit us, the smoke in the house too so i don't want to be in that environment. I'm also going to struggle when baby does arrive as I don't want her even being held by someone stinking of smoke

You get over it OP, bloody rude coming on here moaning about your MIL because she clearly can see straight through you, then bitching at posters who disagree with you!

What has she ‘seen through’? I can’t see what the OP has done wrong other than invite her MIL on her hen night and to a baby shower, and accepted the offer of some money towards her wedding. Hardly the actions of a master manipulator.

Oh you're much better avoiding. Completely. Cut contact, before you end up having a huge, irreparable fall out. Take it from me, it happened here! Back stories very different, my mil is a controlling, mean, joy-draining, jealous, vindictive, spoiled woman who has alienated everyone she's ever met - dh, sil and fil are the sum total contacts of her 75ish years of living on this earth.

Ds and her other gchildren are now teens and can't be around her either. Dh goes over there once a week out of duty.

Start being very cool, keeping your distance, don't involve yourself in her dramas. She's not your mum. She's dhs! Im not judging as there seems to be wrong on both sides but take it from me, AVOID.

And presumably ScarletBitch is being sarcastic?

Thank you! It's hard to put it all on here without going into too much detail, like I say I honestly try my hardest with her (I know how upset my mom was when she never really saw my brother when he was with his ex) men tend to drift and start their own family, I always wanted to make the effort for him, I don't want anybody to be upset but it seems in every situation I end up in I'm wrong anyway 😢

Stop investing in her and letting it get to you. She sounds like a whole heap of hard work and thankless drama. You don't need that shit right now - you've got a baby on the way. Congratulations, btw . I know it's easier said than done but if I were you I'd just accept the fact that she's a dick and just do the bare minimum out of duty. So, she still gets the invite to the baby shower or similar events, but she gets the normal FB one like everyone else. If she sends arsey texts about it just completely ignore her. If she doesn't turn up because she's so offended then great! You don't have to see her miserable face! And if she doesn't turn up and I miserable then you just be polite but distant. Let other see what a miserable cow she is.

Also stop lending her money! I guess this one is up to your DH really as it's her mum, but I would be furious if my DH was leading his parents money when we were about to have a baby.

Essentially just be polite and avoid her as much as possible. invite her to the big events that you feel you have to invite her to, ignore her hissy fits and don't give her anymore headspace. Good luck!

Sorry for all the typos, I'm in the middle of something - hopefully it still made sense lol

Ps, no way in hell a smoker would hold my bub unless they change their clothes first
Scarletbitch are you the MIL 🤔

lelrx. You are right to say she should not offer money she has no intention of giving, but hey, she doesn’t have to, disappointing as it may be.particularly if you’ve been generous to her. She didn’t have to come to the fancy dress if she didn’t want to. Baby shower: not my personal cup of tea but indeed many women like to have one. I don’t see a problem with Facebook invites to an event like that myself.