Mil being a nightmare

[lelrx]

Just wondering if I am being unreasonable or whether my mil has jealousy issues
I married her son late last year, I've always got on with her, made an effort to visit once a week, always get his family lovely presents
My husband has 1 full brother and other siblings from his mom's second marriage, the 3 from the second marriage are favoured and get presents and attention etc and just can't do no wrong
My husband and his brother don't even get a birthday card, I don't get a birthday card and we didn't even get a wedding card/gift. Actually we got a set of champagne glasses after a few months

His mom and partner promised us a couple of hundred towards the wedding and was adamant we would get it, I asked my husband to bring it up to them as we had to pay our photographer, we got a mouthful so left that where it was as she was quite nasty about it and made it all about herself

She also caused loads of trouble before my hen do, arguing with my friends (half her age) refusing to participate in fancy dress etc to the point where she decided she no longer wanted to come, what she was asked to participate wasn't unreasonable, in fact it was very tame

It is now coming up to my baby shower, I have invited everyone on a Facebook event including my own mom, I haven't hand delivered any invites or text anybody personally because it's easier to do it all in one place
Well now she's not impressed that's she's been invited to her grand daughters baby shower over Facebook and she's making it about herself again
I can't help but feel that anything we organise to celebrate she likes to cause some sort of drama and make it about her. We'll this time I'm not even addressing it. She text my husband to tell him she wasn't impressed and thankfully he didn't reply to her (he pussyfoots around her alot) obviously because its easier but I'm so fed up of being made to feel crap

I wouldn't mind but I try and involve her and she doesn't appreciate it. She makes no effort especially if she thinks she has to put her hand in her pocket

No that's something I'm very adamant about she will have to come here if she wants to see her, im absolutely not risking my babies health for the sake of a little confrontation. Thank you for all of your advice ❤️

I really don't approve of baby showers, it is typical yanky commercialism. After the baby is born, then people can give a gift if they feel like it, but these so-called baby showers are just so....greedy, trashy and American. Having said that however, your MIL sounds like a cruel self-aborbed bitch and really needs to be called out. Your husband really needs to stand up to his mother and tell her a few home truths. She sounds really unpleasant to her first born children. I understand her being upset about the tacky way people announce things on Facebook (the scourge of the internet) or email, the lovely thing about weddings and babies is getting the lovely decorative card invites in the mail. And, picking out the invite cards! (cardboard, parchment, marble effects, 3D - I could spend forever in stationery stores) But if that is how you invited everyone then she needs to accept it, it's not like you sent an invite by mail to everyone but her. She clearly does make everything about her, and she really needs to be pulled up on it, and if no one says anything to her and keeps pussyfooting around, she won't change.

Ah, I understand where you are coming from more now having just read your previous updates.

I don't get why people have to be so negative about baby showers anyway.

@onthenaughtystepagain
How nasty and uncalled for.
Your comment is utterly vile too.

I could write a very similar post about my mother in law... sorry to tell you, it’s unlikely to get any better. My mil threw an almighty strop as she was asked not to come to the hospital one day to allow other people to visit after (prem) dd was born (this was about a week in!) she then questioned the denomination we wanted to get dd christened under as it was the same as mine, not DH’s. She then went mad at Christmas buying things that DH had asked her not to get as his dad was getting them, and to top it all off has thrown her toys out of the pram as DH is taking me and dd away for our first Mother’s Day, she’s told him she is coming too as she is HIS mother 🙄

You need your DH to be firm and take the lead on dealing with it!

onthenaughtystepagain how can a headband be vile? I think you need to learn the definition of the word vile.

I’m trying to imagine how a headband could be vile. They weren’t racist, with a gaping wound and covered in vomit were they OP?

Your MIL sounds like a pain in the arse. Don’t put childcare down to smoking unless if she stopped (and mine managed when I was pregnant), you’d be happy to let her have the baby. Tell her you want complete control/a nursery environment or whatever.

I agree with others that I’d completely refuse to lend anything and back off from contact/visiting. Say you’ve taken her lead and you’re happy not to bother with adult cards/gifts for birthdays etc.

A headband being 'utterly vile' is a bit of an overreaction. I don't like them personally but that's just typical MN hyperbole, which is a little silly.

OP I really dislike confrontation too and I found the best way to deal with my MIL over the years is just to be polite and consistent.

I very much adopt a 'that's just the way it's going to be, we'd love you to be a part of this, but understand if that's how you feel' approach. E.g. When DS was 1 and I rang to invite her round for his birthday with other family members and his wee baby pals from playgroup, she told me that she had already arranged a get together (on his birthday) at her house and invited all her friends.

I already suspected (from previous behaviour) that she might try to pull something like this. I said 'oh that's a shame, not to worry, we totally understand if you can't make it'. She asked that we change the time of his party then drop him round to hers afterwards. I said no thanks, we won't be doing that. She she asked why I just didn't make excuses, I said 'because that's not what we want to do'. You can't really argue with that. She did come in the end and we made her welcome and part of the day etc., but we had to make it very plain that although we wanted her to be a part of his (and our) life, she couldn't just decide for us what was going to happen. DS is 15 now and they have a great relationship.

I think some people are just miserable fuckers about baby showers, hen dos or anything fun

I'd just be blunt and say well if you are not happy about it you are not obliged to attend.

Stop putting yourself out visiting weekly and stop buying gifts for the ungrateful gits.

Aside from money and what she can financially give the Baby, because money can't be magic'd out of thin air, what sort of Grandmother is she, one-to-one?

Is she loving/caring? That's as valuable as money.

My mother does this sort of thing - nothing is ever good enough, I’d plan things to try to forsee what she had complained about it the past, and no matter what she would always find something to moan about.

And it would be as if it was a personal insult to her every time. Once my SIL complimented my cooking and said I made the best pies - cue not so D mother enraged as if she had been insulted, saying she never had time to make pies. (She did, I did all the cooking and housework when I was a kid 🙄)

It sounds so small when you tell someone who wasn’t there, but it poisons every conversation and event. In the end I realised she didn’t want to be pleased, so I stopped trying. In your shoes I’d step back, quietly, to avoid drama. You’ll never please her, so please yourself.

You don’t sound grabby, some people! 🙄

Oh, and as for snotty remarks about baby showers - what’s the need to be so disparaging about something that doesn’t affect you.
Enjoy your shower, OP, it’s not hurting anyone FFS!

Your MIL sounds like a massive drama llama and very unkind and selfish. Stop making an effort with her, your DH can sort out his own side of the family.

FWIW, it's really not on to organize your own baby shower though - you're essentially saying "come round and bring me presents". In cultures that do have baby showers (the USA mainly) it's generally organized by a friend or relative.

I think friends organising things on your behalf was probably fine in the olden days when all your family and friends would live in the same area and know each other but obviously it doesn't work so well when your guests are all in separate circles and scattered about the country.