Mil being a nightmare

[lelrx]

Just wondering if I am being unreasonable or whether my mil has jealousy issues
I married her son late last year, I've always got on with her, made an effort to visit once a week, always get his family lovely presents
My husband has 1 full brother and other siblings from his mom's second marriage, the 3 from the second marriage are favoured and get presents and attention etc and just can't do no wrong
My husband and his brother don't even get a birthday card, I don't get a birthday card and we didn't even get a wedding card/gift. Actually we got a set of champagne glasses after a few months

His mom and partner promised us a couple of hundred towards the wedding and was adamant we would get it, I asked my husband to bring it up to them as we had to pay our photographer, we got a mouthful so left that where it was as she was quite nasty about it and made it all about herself

She also caused loads of trouble before my hen do, arguing with my friends (half her age) refusing to participate in fancy dress etc to the point where she decided she no longer wanted to come, what she was asked to participate wasn't unreasonable, in fact it was very tame

It is now coming up to my baby shower, I have invited everyone on a Facebook event including my own mom, I haven't hand delivered any invites or text anybody personally because it's easier to do it all in one place
Well now she's not impressed that's she's been invited to her grand daughters baby shower over Facebook and she's making it about herself again
I can't help but feel that anything we organise to celebrate she likes to cause some sort of drama and make it about her. We'll this time I'm not even addressing it. She text my husband to tell him she wasn't impressed and thankfully he didn't reply to her (he pussyfoots around her alot) obviously because its easier but I'm so fed up of being made to feel crap

I wouldn't mind but I try and involve her and she doesn't appreciate it. She makes no effort especially if she thinks she has to put her hand in her pocket

Don't engage with her. Some people will always find something to complain about, and try and turn a nice gesture into a slight against them. The best action, in my experience, is to ignore them. She complains about anything, ignore her. If she decides not to participate in things, say 'ok, your choice'. Don't engage at all, don't reward poor behaviour. The more you and DH try to appease her, the worse she will be, as she is getting the attention she wanted. And don't lend her any more money!

I think the worst part is they ask all 5 of the children for equal amounts so then they owe that same amount 5 times. Oh we get it back, I wouldnt allow it £200 is alot of money to just be handing out to them, I make sure my husband calls to ask for it, even if we get it back in little bits. I am very lucky actually my family are very generous, my mom keeps buying stuff for our baby and my brother has paid for our pushchair, again these are items that we do budget for but they are so generous they want to do these things for us, I think my DH gets upset by this because his mom hasn't bought a single item for his daughter and then she moans about everything we choose to do. She wants to look after her when I return to work too but I don't feel comfortable with her being at their house as they smoke in there and its chaotic, always arguing and screaming etc I have no idea what to say. She doesn't drive either so she wouldn't come to our house.

I don't think you sound grabby...I don't get why people are giving you a hard time. Isn't it a usual thing that you contribute at least something to your childs wedding. If not money then time...or help...or even just support. She is using it as an example of the fact the MIL is actually quite grabby. When I hear parents who borrow money off their kids as much as this I cringe...when I met DH his DM was a bit like this. She would sit at the table after a meal and it was expected that her sons would pay for her. She manipulated them both in to being her guarantors for a flat she rented and then didn't pay her rent for 6 months. I knocked the lending on the head when the MIL suggested that she could be given some of the inheritance I was left from my parents. She now knows not to even ask.

I think your original post did you no favours. The fancy dress thing (yuk)/ asking for money/group invite when she isnof a generstion where this is not the norm all made me shudder! However if you had started with the money borrowing etc you would have had a more sympathetic audience.

For my generatio a group FB invite to such an event would seem a snub, maybe it would 't if there had been a conversation first about I will be having a baby shower, I hope you can come, I will be putting details on FB so watch out would have been ok.

Just accept there are generational differences and rather than throw a strop she doesn't want to act like a 20 something let her do what makes her comfortable (eg. Fancy dress).

The money thing isn't great. Stop lending her money but also accept if DH does want to it is after all his mother of he can afford to and wants to.

I doubt if any of her children really feel they have a choice about lending the money. It is not an attractive sight to see grandparents regularly borrowing money from your parents!

No my original post was very brief, i was just trying to explain that whenever it's an event for myself and DH she tends to make it about herself or something she hasn't been made aware of etc
I think all girls my age have similar hen dos/baby showers etc so I understand how this could have been very different a number of years ago but in all honesty I do think its a scape goat for not actually wanting to come or feeling like she has to pay for something, that's the impression we get, like i say we do not require or need anything from her

And put a stop to the idea of her looking after your children. You don't get on well together, she is difficult to cooperate with and it doesn't sound as if there is the faintest chance of her following instructions like not smoking in the same room as the children. It will be easier if you make it clear early on that it is not an idea that you would entertain.

STOP lending money.
Do not pander or reply to her childish behaviour.
Enjoy your baby shower

My MIL has always done this, but we just got used to it over the years and take her 'promises' with a pinch of salt.

When we had DS my parents bought us our pram. MIL promised to buy his cot and told us to go and choose one and she'd pay for it (she didn't). Then she would bring it up saying, 'Oh I was supposed to buy that'. Then she promised to buy his high chair (she didn't). It happens all the time with little things too - a few years ago she made a big fuss about making a birthday cake for DS's birthday. I always make his cakes and she said that 'grandma should be allowed to make one' so I said fine, that would be lovely as she's an excellent baker. She appeared with a shop bought swiss roll. There have been dozens of more things over the years.

We just all know that that's how it is and you make the decision to either make a fuss about it or let it lie for the sake of family harmony (which is what we've chosen, it's just a family joke now). I love her really.

When she moans about the baby shower, just be kind. Say 'No, it's not everyone's cup of tea and we understand you don't like the sound of it, so won't be coming'.

Then enjoy it with or without her. She only has power if you react badly or are upset.

I agree, I know that when she sees me though it will definitely be mentioned and I get so nervous I won't know what to say, shes very hard faced and difficult to say no to and comments will definitely be made in regards to my mom getting to take care of her when she's around (although my mom lives 150 miles away) . I also don't want to put my husband out but I think he is slowly seeing how her behaviour affects himself and others, we have had a few conversations about it and he is in complete agreement with me so I know i have his support. I just don't want to be made out to be the one that has ruined their relationship 😢

Guys, it wasn't fancy dres, it was a single bloody headband which you an put on for ten minutes to show goodwill and take onephoto and be done with it.
She sounds like hard work, just put in whatever energy you are comfortable with and expect nothing in return and then carry on, as you were OP. Don't let her get to you, and don't let her babysit if you don't want her to - at least insist she comes to your house!

Just imagine that you are someone else. Someone very cool, calm and collected. It will be difficult but don't let her wind you up. Be scrupulously polite but firm.

On childcaring, you can let her know that you are notoriously picky about how everything is done. You are sure she wouldn't want arguments so it is best to avoid employer/employee relationships for the sake of family unity.

I would drastically lower your expectations of this woman. Maybe do.e family get together with you, your DH and DC but nothing more

Hi OP.

You had a bit of a kicking on here and I can't really see what you've done to invite that.

I'm glad to hear your DH is on side but he really needs to find some strength and show it rather than pay lip service to it. He needs to have his radar on so when he's taken aside in future by his family should be aware that they it's unlikely to be either to his or your advantage. Now the two of you have a new baby coming you are going to need all the money you have get together. stretching out for regular loans to others who cannot be responsible for their own finances is going to make things harder for your own little family.

As far as the birth is concerned: try and keep your MIL away from the hospital the day you give birth and certainly not in the room when you give birth. Maybe NOT tell her until the birth is over - take some pressure off. If you really feel you can't do this then have a word with your midwife so she can help keep her out.

Congratulations on the impending arrival of your baby. 🌹

"You had a bit of a kicking on here and I can't really see what you've done to invite that. "

It's probably nothing to do with the Op. There are groups elsewhere on SM that like to take threads on here out of context and sneer at them.
The nasty replies are deliberately designed to stir it all up... 🙄

You need to grow a very thick skin, and fast. Things will escalate once your baby arrives. There's no way in hell you should have her minding baby when you go back to work so shut that idea down now. Maintain your independence from her, forget about the wedding money promises, and do not give into her requests for money from you and Dh. I'd be keeping my distance from her if it were me, as you can do without her petty dramas in your life.

Is Scarlett mil? Lol
Op she sounds like an emotionally manipulative joy sucking vampire. I'd phase her out... Ghost the woman, she's not your problem, she's your dh's.

I agree with the posters above

1. Let DH do all the engaging with her
2. Cut down on visiting, weekly is too much and she will expect it for ever
3. Stop lending money - say you are saving for baby stuff
4. Be civil to her, but she doesn't deserve "special treatment".
5. By a job lot of those low-budget birthday cards from Card Factory or wherever that just say "Happy Birthday" or "Happy Mothers Day" etc. (and none of this "to a very special mother on her very special birthday" gush gush gush type cards) and encourage your DH to be the one to write and send them.

Stop trying.

Get more hard faced.

Right now, the dynamic - you trying to be nice and involve her - only gives her the message that you're meek and nervous and won't stand up to her. So, guess what? She fucks you around because she's not scared to. She knows she can mouth off to you and you'll take it.

You can actually change this dynamic though, because you have all the power. You just have to not be afraid to use it. You have the power because firstly you don't need her, and secondly you're pregnant and she will want to be involved with the baby. So - I PROMISE you this - you stand up to her, and snarl back, and NOT be afraid of fucking her off - and give it a few clashes and she will start to respect you a bit more, and be a bit more wary of you, and behave. Because if she believes that you will walk away and also believes that her son won't stop that, she will toe the line (and she knows he won't - she already knows how much of a people pleaser he is or whe wouldn't be sponging off him contantly!)

So. Baby shower:

'Fine, I guess you won't be there then? Everyone's been invited over facebook, that's how I've done it. If you're going to make a stupid fuss then I'm not sure I want you there spoiling it anyway. Seriously, don't talk to me any more about this, i'm really annoyed. Talk about making it all about YOU as usual.' Walk off.

Lending money (with H there):
'MIL I want a word. I'm done with you makign sure you get H on his own to wheedle for money. I'm being clear here - it's our money, we're having a baby, we are not in a position to lend. I don't want to fall out with you over this especially with the baby on the way as it would be sad if we weren't on visiting terms when I have the baby, but we WILL fall out. Stop trying to get MY husband on his own to persuade him to give you OUR family money.' (Your H collapses in shock at this point of course, but fuck that!)

On looking after the baby:
'Well that's not going to be possible because of the smoking. There is no point in even having this conversation and I am warning you, if you so much as try to persuade me that smoking around a baby is ok then I am not even going to be able to consider ever trusting you with babysitting. EVERYBODY knows the risk of cot death. Ask yourself how you'd feel if something like that ever happened (god forbid) and we'd let the baby be around your smoking? How would you feel about being to blame?

Basically - you have to get to a position where you really believe that you CAN say this stuff to her and NO, the sky won't fall in because at the end of the day she needs you more than you need her. You lose the fear and genuinely think - fuck her. Your H? He will fuss and panic and ultimately be grateful for you for taking the steps he hasn't been able to, thanks to childhood conditioning.

And once you do that, she will KNOW she has lost any sort of control and her options are behave or lose out. She will behave!

Thank you!
I hate confrontation so ultimately I know thats what needs to be done but I pussyfoot around people because I'd rather just avoid it than confront but you're right unless I stand up for myself it won't change, she has already questioned why I don't go around to visit, I think that last time was about 3 months ago. I get so upset about how they treat my DH he's so sweet and will always help anybody, they just take the piss out of him

1. Change the date of the shower
2. Apologise profusely through very gritted teeth to MIL and tell her the invite is now in the post.
3. Never send the invite.
4. Enjoy your shower in peace.

it was only a headband, a pretty one so it wasn't unreasonable

Its unreasonableness is a matter of opinion, personally it sounds utterly vile!

Gosh FizzyGreenWater! Indefinitely need you in my corner when I'm next in a sticky situation. (watch out for my PM during my next family "free and frank exchange") of views! 😊

I have sympathy for you OP but you need to toughen up a lot, I don't understand women saying they don't like confrontation, that's why bullies get away with shit. Put your foot down now, your poor baby will be taken to vist this horrible smoky house if you don't stand up to her.