Mil being a nightmare

[lelrx]

Just wondering if I am being unreasonable or whether my mil has jealousy issues
I married her son late last year, I've always got on with her, made an effort to visit once a week, always get his family lovely presents
My husband has 1 full brother and other siblings from his mom's second marriage, the 3 from the second marriage are favoured and get presents and attention etc and just can't do no wrong
My husband and his brother don't even get a birthday card, I don't get a birthday card and we didn't even get a wedding card/gift. Actually we got a set of champagne glasses after a few months

His mom and partner promised us a couple of hundred towards the wedding and was adamant we would get it, I asked my husband to bring it up to them as we had to pay our photographer, we got a mouthful so left that where it was as she was quite nasty about it and made it all about herself

She also caused loads of trouble before my hen do, arguing with my friends (half her age) refusing to participate in fancy dress etc to the point where she decided she no longer wanted to come, what she was asked to participate wasn't unreasonable, in fact it was very tame

It is now coming up to my baby shower, I have invited everyone on a Facebook event including my own mom, I haven't hand delivered any invites or text anybody personally because it's easier to do it all in one place
Well now she's not impressed that's she's been invited to her grand daughters baby shower over Facebook and she's making it about herself again
I can't help but feel that anything we organise to celebrate she likes to cause some sort of drama and make it about her. We'll this time I'm not even addressing it. She text my husband to tell him she wasn't impressed and thankfully he didn't reply to her (he pussyfoots around her alot) obviously because its easier but I'm so fed up of being made to feel crap

I wouldn't mind but I try and involve her and she doesn't appreciate it. She makes no effort especially if she thinks she has to put her hand in her pocket

Ignore the viper posters OP

I suspect if you'd sent her an invitation on a golden swan it wouldn't have made a difference, I suspect she's attention seeking, ignore it. Just say 'don't feel tiyvhave to attend it's just a little shower' hopefully she'll not bother

However you need to start being more resilient and putting up boundaries otherwise she'll take over emotionally

Write-off the money she's obviously not a completer finisher - both sides of my family have us money for our wedding, we didn't need to ask - she was generous but rude by not sorting it or at least saying sorry I can't afford what I'd said originally, which is fine.

She sounds a bit of a nightmare but trying to get her to wear fancy dress and not calling about the baby shower is unreasonable, not everyone does fancy dress and Facebook is very generational, whilst your mum may not have said anything, she may be thinking the same about the invite and tbh baby showers are really grabby anyway so many of us already feel aggrieved even with handmade invites!

Why do ppl keep blaming OP for the fancy dress? OP did not organize her own hens party her bridesmaids did. If MIL didn’t want to wear the headband I’m sure no one would have forced her to 🙄

I'd definitely stop lending her money.

The wedding...it's tricky, I'm of the view that you don't plan budgets around promised money from others unless you actually have that in your pocket. But then she also promised it to you and that is just me. Personally I'd stop asking for that and chalk it up to a lesson learnt.

Your hen, it sounds like she WBU, especially if it was just a headband. Again, the baby shower, I think she is looking for something to moan about. I know it's really annoying but honestly just try to ignore behaviour. Either that or just let her know that you don't have the time to sort out paper invites but she is welcome to help you out with that if she wants.

She sounds like she's just moaning for moanings sake. Will be interesting to see how she acts when baby is born - the resentment you are currently feeling is likely to get worse.

If she moans directly to you about only getting a Facebook invitation I would say everyone I invited to my baby shower was invited by facebook so you were no different from anyone else.

If she wants to see you she can visit you, I wouldn’t be bringing a newborn into a smokey environment and you may as well tell her that, you can also control her smoking in your house by telling you will not allow it.

Also stop lending money, just say sorry I can’t lend you money as I have other long term financial commitments, if she asks what they are just say its private your have to go elsewhere to borrow money.

Op please start as you mean to go on....if she has the hump leave her well alone...do not engage and do not under any circumstances pander to her tantrums anymore,If she is being a dick ignore her dont get wound up.Start to live your life with your OH and stop involving her so much.Tell her only what you would like her to know and no more.Be friendly but keep her at arms length.Switch off mentally from her..deal with her when you have to.She has no say in your life at all she can of course express an opinion but thats all it is you do not have to act or react to it.You will be much happier if you create some space.ignore tension and limit your involvement I promise you...start now,today and set the course before the little one arrives.

I suffer with anxiety so not many people get a phone call off me anyway tbh and with being in and out of hospital I haven't really thought about paper invites, I could understand if she was invited to our wedding over Facebook, we did the same for our engagement party and she didn't moan about that

The fancy dress like I say I didn't organise but there was a big group chat and she seemed to be awkward about everything but that was the reason she decided she no longer wanted to go, she had her own choice of outfit it was just a headband (nothing tacky, no penis')
It was just a scape goat, she bullied alot of 25/26 year old in the chat and made them feel very uncomfortable

My baby shower, I have said to people that actually it's not necessary that people bring a gift, we just want to celebrate before she is here with everybody, I wasn't going to have one but alot of people really want me to so I have given in, in all honesty I have been really relaxed about everything during pregnancy so it's just hassle for me

And the money for the photographer, we had our own money to pay all of our expenses, I don't know maybe I am unreasonable to expect someone to follow through with what the have promised, she mentioned it on quite alot of occasions which I replied with 'don't be daft you really don't have to do that for us' her response every time was 'no i know i don't have to but I want to'
I just thought with a large bill coming out it could be a chunk of that so he asked her and got a mouthful

We don't expect anything from her although I do think it's disgusting she can't even be bothered to get her son a birthday card, we send loads for birthdays, Easter etc but that will all be stopping now, he has a big family and we don't even get a thank you half of the time so I'm not doing that anymore

After the last lent £200 I said to my husband that he's not to lend it to them again, if they can afford their fags and bottle of vodka every evening that should be paying their rent. We have our own bills to pay

Thats the way to do it OP ...after your update I can foresee no problems going forward.You sound like a smart cookie who has it all in hand! Keep it up and you will be ok.Let her meet her match,she may come round and start behaving decently or she might kick off either is ok if you refuse to care! Ultimately she will loose out if she continues.

I'd get your DH on your side to make sure you're both in agreement about the money lending and the reduced contact. I think she sounds like a drama queen and there's nothing you can do right, so I'd be a grey rock and do absolute minimal

I just dont want to cause a rift and upset my husband, he knows how she is but I don't want to be the reason that they stop talking or the cause of any arguments. I understand now why his brothers girlfeiends never visits or attends occasions with them either she has voiced how they don't make and effort before but I never really took any notice but now I am seeing for myself I think I need to take a leaf out of her book.

Lots of people have baby showers get over it,

They don't usually throw them for themselves though.

Yes my DH is in agreement with me, it just puts him under more pressure when he's having to lend them money. I feel sometimes he feels he has to help because they put him on the spot when they ask him, we will go round to see them and he will get taken and spoken to quietly and be asked then, so he feels he has no choice but to say yes. I think we both have trouble putting our foot down with people but we have to be realistic and remember that we have our own stuff to pay for and we can't keep bailing others out when they have been irresponsible

Some right joy sponges on her!
Stop involving her.
Doesn’t sound like she brings anything to your life anyway.
Nasty woman.

Is there a way of having your baby without her knowing for a few days or at least the labor.
She sounds awful op she is causing drama on what is supposed to be a happy time.
It sounds extreme but don’t invite her to things anymore.
You don’t deserve this nonsense.
If she kicks up a fuss put it back on her and say oh I forgot to invite you oh the last time you made it all about you etc
It’s crap for you x

She’s not treating you with respect so I would keep her at arms length

One of my friends is organising it but I sorted the room and inviting people as it's easier to invite my guests in one place so I don't forget anybody, like i said I was very reluctant as I get quite anxious, sometimes I can be abit of a control freak so I struggle with other people doing things for me 😩

I don't think it would be worth having our baby without her knowing, I can imagine how much she will kick up a fuss, I feel sad because I really want both sides to be involved and I don't want my DH to feel that I am being mean but she sets off my anxiety. He does understand because he says she has no friends etc because of the was she is, I just feel guilty that I no longer go and visit and he has to go alone because she obviously knows and mentions it and I think he just makes an excuse as to why because he wouldn't want to be honest

Sounds like my MIL. She started getting weird about our wedding. Then got really weird in the few weeks and days before. Then was pretty awful about it later. All of it was about her. My DH towed the line for a while but is now pretty LC and she's cutting her nose off to spite her face by not being interested in her impending GC. I'm NC. I have nothing to do with her at all. I feel so much better for not having to deal with the crappola. My DH feels better too. I recommend it. The last massive falling out we had was over money she wanted from us. Sod that. She's made her bed. She can lie in it.

Your MIL is an emotional manipulator. Your DH must feel pulled apart by her antics.
If she asked for money your DH can start by offering less. If she asked for 200, he offers 50. And gradually do it like that. He likely won't be able to refuse her outright straight off because she's been dangling him like a puppet for years.

Sounds like 6 of one, half a dozen of the other here OP. Common sense says to me, that if you're having to sub a person a few quid every now and then, then that person probably isn't in a position to give you cash gifts OP....isn't that obvious? They might have just said it in the moment, but the reality of finding that £200 is probably not going to happen.
As for the Facebook debacle, I don't get the big deal. If the chosen method of comms was Facebook, so be it. She got to hear of it. What was she expecting.....? A red carpet and fanfare greeting? It's just daft.
I don't say why you believe you get on well...I don't see a whole lot of underlying good will going on here on either side. She's probably more anxious not to have access to elder son bank obstructed in any way.

If she constantly has to borrow money off you its obvious she doesn't have enough to give you a few hundred but like any parent would love to and probably really meant to try then shit happened again get a grip, most older people don't want to wear even a head band that's tacky and something young girls do on a pub crawl what did it matter to you did one not wearing it ruin the evening?
Manners do say you have the time to talk to close family members about stuff like invites, facebook is for friends you don't see much and people your not that bothered about. You don't really like her or you wouldn't be posting the way you do.

Stop assuming that any money she offers is a gift - it's only a gift once she has actually given it. Only thank her when the money materialises. Beforehand, when it is only an offer, don't thank her, just stay 'that would be nice'. She feels that she only has to offer to be thanked, not follow through.

Also, stop acting as her bank. No loans. If she can't be bothered to even send her son a birthday card, he shouldn't be treating her like his spoilt child.

Otherwise keep your distance. If she asks why, tell her it is because she is so unpleasant.

Stop giving them money. It sounds like cash handouts anyway not loans. I doubt they'll ever be repaid. If this has been going on for sometime me thinks they're spending more than they earn and they need to make a few changes to reduce costs. You can't sub them. You've got a baby on the way!!!! What if they get into debt, are they going to ask you to bail them out? You can't live your life like that always threatened by an open ended cheque book....nobody could.

God some really nasty replies. I hate fancy dress and baby showers but she didn't have to attend either. She could have done a token gesture fancy dress without going ott. She could politely decline the baby shower.

She shouldn't have offered money for the wedding if she didn't want to follow through. She sounds like a drama queen. You're better off not engaging with her. Say 'I. Sorry you feel that way' then don't reply.

The money lending has only been over the last few months and its getting more and more frequent. But yes I agree I now know that they clearly aren't in the position to be handing out money, but they can still afford their 3 holidays a year, they obviously have all of their priorities wrong. We was fine without the money I just would rather someone didn't keep going on about it and not mention it if they have no intention of giving it, we wasnt in a position where we was relying on anybody so it wasn't a problem, I just don't deal well with people that say things they don't mean. We had a beautiful wedding and honeymoon and we was so grateful for anybody that helped us, I don't like to be made to sound grabby because we're sensible with money and living to our means