Is it me or is this TOO tight to be normal behaviour?

[TightwadCity]

I'm interested in opinions on the behaviour of a friend of mine. For background her house is fully paid for and she has a LOT of savings which she is saving for her old age apparently although she is already drawing her pension. We go out quite regularly for lunch and shopping but she never spends a single penny on these trips. We both have grandchildren and I like to buy mine little treats such as a new T-Shirt or a book or some favourite sweets etc, but she never does anything for her DGC , never takes them anywhere and is SO mean about Christmas/Easter/Birthdays that it makes me want to scream. She makes comments to me about spoiling my children/grandchildren which, like her, I can easily afford to do. Her DC's have commented to me about her tightness so I know I'm not imagining it but it has got to the point that it is sucking the joy out of our trips for me. There was the same issue over where to have lunch as she wouldn't spend more than £3 which of course severely restricted where we could eat - in the end I started paying for lunch for both of us on every trip. AIBU to be struggling to get my head round all this and how would you deal with it?

I knew a woman like this, she ended up taking early redundancy as she was about to lose her home as she was a huge online gambler, unbeknown to anyone in her immediate circle.

It took a whole four pages for someone to mention dementia. She hasn't got dementia, she's just tight as a duck's arse.

No, I'm sure it's not dementia. Sadly, she's just tight. Very.

@Alsohuman - I mentioned dementia as a friend’s father became obsessed with money as he grew older and only in retrospect did they realise this had been the start of his illness. I wasn’t being ageist, just speaking from experience.

Why are you paying? I’m appalled at her, she’s a massive CF!

Drop the biatch 🤣

Her meanness is most likely the reason she has no other friends. Nobody likes a tightarse.

Stop going out shopping and for lunch with her, and if she asks, tell her why. Maybe she'll put her hand in her pocket if she realises she could lose her only friend.

God knows how her husband has put up with it, unless he's the same.

OP I'm glad you agree on the gc thing. My mum loves to buy a little toy for my dc and treat them but I've asked her to stop, - for clutter and environmental reasons.

But yes your friend is horribly cheap. I would stop going shopping with her and tell her why. "Friend, you ask to go shopping but when we do you don't seem to enjoy it and you complain about the prices. Let's go for a walk instead."

Is it possible your friend doesn't like shopping but can't think of anything else to do? I know I sometimes I find it hard to come up with something (I'm on a diet so lunch is out) and walking around the shopping centre can be an easy option. Other ideas - walks, travel to nearby town to explore, museums/art galleries, temporary art exhibitions or city events, volunteering together.

I am sure some of you must be related to me

We went to Italy - ITALY, fgs - and didn't eat out anywhere because we were ok to subsist on camping stove

Even down to the country.

Remember staying in a hotel in France (van had broken down and was in a workshop) My mother brought food the kettle, pans and the camping stove and was cooking tins of baked beans and eggs in the room.

I spend my money on my children, eating out and going places. All the things I didn’t have growing up.

Just see her for coffee at yours. It's up to her what she spends on family tho. Sadly, IME in families, money is often a tool for power & control, maybe she sees it as useful for her to dangle their inheritance in front of them. I've also found generally, people mean with money seem to be mean in other ways.

Well you could just stop going out with her, or you could bitch about your friend behind her back to random people on Mumsnet. I'm sure a kind generous person like yourself would never gossip, or question how someone else lives their life, perhaps you could attempt to get one yourself?

Raw nerve there snitzel?

Yes, I can't stand people bitching behind their friends backs.

You're on mumsnet... Commenting on people's lives you don't know. A bit ironic trying to take the moral high ground Snitzel.

My PILs are a bit like this, to the point that they never leave the house to go anywhere because "we have coffee at home" etc. and everything the do buy is from charity shops. They're not remotely hard up - it's more a weird kind of hobbyist bargain-hunting. Might it be that with your friend?

Are you the friend snitzel?

sadly you often see posts about this same thing, friends with someone who says they are broke and cant afford xyz so friend starts buying them lunches weekly or drinks out on a night or even groceries or weekends away and it goes on for years... and one day they turn up in a brand new car that they paid cash for or they buy a house or pay off a house year earlier than expected... you know cause they save so much money not buying drinks or lunches out!!!

she intends to leave it all to her children

This was what stood out for me - this might never happen if she needs years of care later in life that have to be paid for from savings. Point that out and tell her she may as well enjoy some lunch with her money now.

This sounds like the start of hoarding behaviour. What’s her home like? No expert but have had 2 elderly relative like this. Taking the sauce sachets is what rings alarm bells for me. They were incredibly tight with money with no need to be, would take everything from hotels/ cafes and hoard them/ have whole rooms of plastic bags, that sort of thing. When one died we found she had wads and wads of cash shoved in every crevice of her home. This is someone who refused to pay for heating! It’s a mental illness IMO that really ruins the quality of life.

"£3.00 would not really buy much anywhere. I am surprised that you can actually find somewhere at that price"

It will pay for a meal deal.
I used to have a friend like this. On a day out shopping she just wanted to grab a sandwich and not 'waste money' on lunch in a cafe. She was happy to pay much more than me for clothes though. It's completely frustrating, but not so easy to just say 'don't spend time with her any more'. You don't know how many friends a person has who are interested in the same type of outings.

“I'm sorry to say that she is very lonely and I am her only friend”

She's not sorry. She doesn't give the proverbial flying one. She cares more about £3. Let that sink in.

"The next day she says to me "Don't forget to give me that 80p back" hmm"

The same friend who wouldn't have a coffee lunch would also count any money owed to the penny. To be fair to her, she did the same when she owed people money as well. I do remember her buying me a drink once and it was obviously a carefully considered gift from her, not like for most people, just something you might do on a whim. In her case, it came from her upbringing. She had to wait for the news of her nephew being born because her DM didn't want to spend money of a text message (we lived abroad, but the cost difference wasn't huge).