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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me or is this TOO tight to be normal behaviour?

122 replies

TightwadCity · 18/03/2019 14:19

I'm interested in opinions on the behaviour of a friend of mine. For background her house is fully paid for and she has a LOT of savings which she is saving for her old age apparently although she is already drawing her pension. We go out quite regularly for lunch and shopping but she never spends a single penny on these trips. We both have grandchildren and I like to buy mine little treats such as a new T-Shirt or a book or some favourite sweets etc, but she never does anything for her DGC , never takes them anywhere and is SO mean about Christmas/Easter/Birthdays that it makes me want to scream. She makes comments to me about spoiling my children/grandchildren which, like her, I can easily afford to do. Her DC's have commented to me about her tightness so I know I'm not imagining it but it has got to the point that it is sucking the joy out of our trips for me. There was the same issue over where to have lunch as she wouldn't spend more than £3 which of course severely restricted where we could eat - in the end I started paying for lunch for both of us on every trip. AIBU to be struggling to get my head round all this and how would you deal with it?

OP posts:
Asta19 · 18/03/2019 17:26

@HollowTalk

She queried it but obviously I had all the booking receipts to show her Grin I kind of hoped it might teach her some sort of lesson but it didn't!

Lweji · 18/03/2019 17:36

I'm sorry to say that she is very lonely and I am her only friend

Probably because the other friends wanted to spend more than £3 on their own lunch and refused to subsidise her?
It's a problem of her own making.

You can choose your own place for lunch and meet her after, if she refuses to spend a bit more to join you.

Asta19 · 18/03/2019 17:36

I'm sorry to say that she is very lonely and I am her only friend which is why I am so reluctant to give up on her

It's interesting you say this as my tight friend is also very lonely and, like you, I felt bad for her. But you maybe have to wonder if their miserliness is the whole reason they are so lonely? The majority of us do not choose friends based on finances, I'm certainly not rich myself, but meanness over money is not an attractive trait in anyone. And, whether they intend to or not, they do restrict activities. Like you with your lunches, or my friend refusing to stop for a coffee or whatever if we went out for the day. If my friend couldn't afford a coffee (or the drink of her choice) I would happily buy one for her. But I know that's not the case.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/03/2019 17:38

If it’s getting so out of hand you’ve nothing to lose by putting your cards on the table, tell her how you feel and flat refusing to pay for her. If you want to eat in the pub, that’s fine. She can have a small pudding and tap water!

The thing about these people is that we are too afraid to confront them as they scoff at us. Why should we not scoff at them?!

As people age, their behaviour become more polarised.

Edwinbear
oliversmumsarmy
My mother also wouldn’t pay the car park charges until she had to - the stores on the outskirts of town now charge. I didn’t get jumble sale clothes. But I did have hand me downs. My school class photo the first year I was at school was of me wearing a hand me down t-shirt I absolutely hated but had to wear as I had so few clothes. Incidents like this made me hate me. I went to state school and in all the schools I went to, my parents must have been the wealthiest there. Yet you never would have guessed it. When I was a teenager, my friend, (whose mother split from her father when she was about 12 so money was tight) offered me her hand me downs. I actually didn’t realise at the time that she felt sorry for me. My mother remarried and she changed a lot. Had my father not died, I can imagine she’d be far more frugal than she actually is now. In some ways these days she is incredibly generous.

cantbearsed1 · 18/03/2019 17:39

Can't you go to a pub for lunch where she can order a plate of chips and you can get something nice?

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/03/2019 17:41

thecatsthecats
Shock that’s outrageous. We hardly ever ate out either. Even when going abroad eating out was very rare. But that’s taking it to a whole new level!

Mrskeats · 18/03/2019 17:41

Why are you paying? That’s mad.
I can’t stand tightness and wouldn’t be friends with someone like this.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/03/2019 17:42

This sounds a bit extreme, but it's not far off the attitude my grandparents had (they were all born in the first few decades of the last century). The idea, basically, seemed to be that you shouldn't spend money unless you really had to. One of my grandparents struggled with mobility. I had been worried about her and asked my father if I could help her out with a stair lift and he laughed at me and told me should could easily afford it if she wanted but she didn't like the idea of spending money on that when she could just sleep in the front parlour. She left well over a million in her will when she died. She was lovely, though, and didn't come across as mean to me.My other grandmother was pretty much this way until she hit 75, then she spent most of her savings traveling around the world twice and had a fantastic time. Died with very little left, but I don't think she regretted it.

So I think it's much less common now, but it was fairly common not so long ago and she may just have picked that mindset up from her parents.

sighrollseyes · 18/03/2019 17:52

You shouldnt pay for her lunch but it's none of your business what she does or doesn't buy for her grandkids.
My mum and MiL are both very generous but my MiL buys crap like t-shirts and sweets etc like you mentioned which are a waste. My mum will buy one useful thing once a year and put some money in kids bank - far more useful. But it's none of your business what she does for her grandkids. My mum wouldn't want to be compared to my MiL approach and vice versa.

sighrollseyes · 18/03/2019 17:52

You shouldnt pay for her lunch but it's none of your business what she does or doesn't buy for her grandkids.
My mum and MiL are both very generous but my MiL buys crap like t-shirts and sweets etc like you mentioned which are a waste. My mum will buy one useful thing once a year and put some money in kids bank - far more useful. But it's none of your business what she does for her grandkids. My mum wouldn't want to be compared to my MiL approach and vice versa.

thistimeofyear · 18/03/2019 17:54

These kind of tight people do suck the joy out of things and if you can't tell her then its time to move on...sorry
Some people are users and seem to take pleasure out of it in my experience
why do you think she has no friends seriously OP?

Binglebong · 18/03/2019 17:54

A lot of places have lunch clubs where a very cheap (£3!) is provided. Maybe see if there is something like that in the area?she can be tight and meet new people at the same time. Wink

A good place to start is Social Prescribing but you could also Google lunch clubs and your area. Many are based in churches but theres usually no religious element - it's just a venue.

GuineaPiglet345 · 18/03/2019 18:02

Op I agree with you although it’s technically none of your business it’s hard to watch someone you care about being so miserly and seeing their family struggle when you know (or at least are 99% certain) that they could help them have a better standard of living.

Personally I’d take a step back from the friendship and hope it gives her a bit of a shock and she comes to her senses but I doubt it will.

Personally I wouldn’t fancy going for a £3 lunch regularly, it’s ok as a one off. Anyway, it’s not your problem and your not obligated to her, I think it’s nice you’ve treated her up to now.

BlimeyCalmDown · 18/03/2019 18:08

Stick to coffee. Meet after lunch.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 18/03/2019 18:13

Q

cantbearsed1 · 18/03/2019 18:15

Actually meeting for coffee is a good idea. She can buy her own coffee and you can pay for your own coffee and cake.

Heartlake · 18/03/2019 18:19

I had a friend like this. She didn't realise that going out for lunch was not just about purchasing sustenance... it's about deciding where you might go, choosing what to have, enjoying being looked after.

By the time meals and coffees out had permanently become a pizza from the co-op and a Nescafé, I couldn't take it any more (and no money worries for her either... naice house/cars/holidays) and due to this among other things I let it drift.

Original poster
TightwadCity · 18/03/2019 18:20

Thank you everyone for your input. I'm glad I asked as I felt rather guilty about feeling hurt/puzzled/annoyed by this behaviour. I'm going to have to toughen up a bit I think.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 18/03/2019 18:42

If people are "near" (love that term - read it in David Copperfield)

In John Galsworthy's books they are described as "close".

I like that term, too.

thistimeofyear · 18/03/2019 18:47

I wouldn't worry too much OP about toughening up or offending her - in my experience they are pretty thick skinned these people
I went to London with someonè and at the hotel venue coffee was an eye watering amount - I paid for both of us - she never paid me back - despite me dropping a couple of hints
I mean I wouldn't forget if someone bought me one, so I figured she did it on purpose. There were plenty of opportunities for her to buy me one back during the day and she didn't. In fact we went out to lunch later and she just went up and bought her own! I sound petty but I was so hard up at the time it really mattered to me.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 18/03/2019 19:08

We have a family member like this. ££ in the bank but moans like a drain when he has to open his wallet. Hard of hearing but can hear the rustle of a £10 note or a freebie at 50 paces. No friends either. Wonder why Hmm

BigGreenOlives · 18/03/2019 19:18

Another possibility is that she has dementia but isn’t aware yet. She may be trying to keep control of her life by staying on top of her spending.

Supersimpkin · 18/03/2019 19:20

It's not meanness if she's getting you to pay for her. It's greed, and she likes that £3 a lot more than she likes you.

TapasForTwo · 18/03/2019 19:21

“I'm sorry to say that she is very lonely and I am her only friend”

I can see why. No-one likes to hear a painful truth, but she needs to know that being tight is such an unattractive trait that it is a deal breaker for most friendships.

TowandaForever · 18/03/2019 19:22

@TightwadCity

So does she give you the £3 towards the cost of her lunch ?

I bet she doesn't!!!!