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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me or is this TOO tight to be normal behaviour?

122 replies

TightwadCity · 18/03/2019 14:19

I'm interested in opinions on the behaviour of a friend of mine. For background her house is fully paid for and she has a LOT of savings which she is saving for her old age apparently although she is already drawing her pension. We go out quite regularly for lunch and shopping but she never spends a single penny on these trips. We both have grandchildren and I like to buy mine little treats such as a new T-Shirt or a book or some favourite sweets etc, but she never does anything for her DGC , never takes them anywhere and is SO mean about Christmas/Easter/Birthdays that it makes me want to scream. She makes comments to me about spoiling my children/grandchildren which, like her, I can easily afford to do. Her DC's have commented to me about her tightness so I know I'm not imagining it but it has got to the point that it is sucking the joy out of our trips for me. There was the same issue over where to have lunch as she wouldn't spend more than £3 which of course severely restricted where we could eat - in the end I started paying for lunch for both of us on every trip. AIBU to be struggling to get my head round all this and how would you deal with it?

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 18/03/2019 16:07

Think I'd be telling her that I can't afford to pay for both lunches any more and it is her turn...I suspect that you won't see her for dust.

ApolloandDaphne · 18/03/2019 16:09

It all sounds very joyless. Maybe you should just meet for coffee or is that a problem too?

CatCatDog · 18/03/2019 16:12

Could she have lost her savings in a scam and not want to admit it? Do you ever eat at each other's home or take something you can eat outside? That might help with her £3 budget. She could be one that can't see that cafes/pubs/restaurants have to charge more (3x?) than it would cost you to make yourself because of overheads etc and has decided she can't justify it. Although she can seem to let you!

FunkyKingston · 18/03/2019 16:14

How have you not said 'let's see the colour of your money tight arse' to her before now or told her that you're not going to get out with her anymore.

IrmaFayLear · 18/03/2019 16:18

I'll join in with a couple of others and say that mil could have been in this club, too! She was incredibly mean. And always pleading poverty.

When she got dementia and bil had to look at the pil's finances, everyone was flabbergasted that there was over £600k in mil's current account! Sadly every single last penny of this (save £23K, which then went to fil) went in care home fees.

It was very galling that she had never even paid her way, let alone given nice presents or (at one time much needed) financial help. One Christmas she gave dd a £3 vest (wrong size) because her budget for the dcs was £20 and she had spent £17 on ds. It wasn't the money she spent - it was the precise accounting that seemed so... ungenerous of spirit.

Asta19 · 18/03/2019 16:20

I had a friend like this and in the end I sadly had to distance myself. She wouldn't even stop for coffee because she didn't want to pay for it. We went away once and I did the organising and she gave me her half of the money but it was about £20 short. I'd decided not to say anything. While we were away I asked to borrow about 80p in the local currency, as I wanted to buy something and was slightly short. The next day she says to me "Don't forget to give me that 80p back" Hmm So I said "sure and by the way, you still owe me £20 for the trip". I just can't handle people like that.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 18/03/2019 16:29

Out of interest how many lunches have you bought her?

IrmaFayLear · 18/03/2019 16:30

If people are "near" (love that term - read it in David Copperfield) then that's up to them.

The trouble is that being frugal does tend to spill over into being tight-fisted and trying to hoodwink others into paying for things. We all know the short arms deep pockets type who are happy to accept drinks and then won't stand a round themselves, or those who beat a hasty retreat from a restaurant leaving inadequate payment. These people seem to be triumphant about this behaviour, as if it's somehow their due not to pay their way.

Coyoacan · 18/03/2019 16:37

Assuming that you haven't misunderstood her financial situation, which is a possibility as a lot of people are very private about their finances, she is what is called in old parlance a miser. I have known some and it is, I believe a form of mental sickness.

HollowTalk · 18/03/2019 16:37

@Asta19 The next day she says to me "Don't forget to give me that 80p back" hmm So I said "sure and by the way, you still owe me £20 for the trip"

Grin

What did she say to that?

julensaor · 18/03/2019 16:44

Meanest is a horrible trait, but I have someone in my life like your friend and she has a ball of money. What I have realized is it is not so much about the money and more about the control; more like an OCD trait. It is her way of controlling her world. 'Nobody will take from me, until I decide to give'. The irony of it is she would give a chunk of cash to someone in need (her brother) but count the pennies on a coffee. So I guess I am saying it may come from a weird ingrained way of living rather than about the money.

Hersheys · 18/03/2019 16:44

She's probably got a LOT of savings because she's a tight arse, not the sort of people I chose to associate myself with sadly. I enjoy spending my hard earned money on treating my DC and in the future DGC and other family members but believe me I wouldn't spend a penny on a tight arse!!

julensaor · 18/03/2019 16:45

Sorry I don't feel I articulated that very well, but do stop paying for lunch

thecatsthecats · 18/03/2019 16:55

It's a very sad way to live your life.

My mum would never come into (you guessed it) Stately Homes when we were children, because she would say she'd been before. She'd sit with her (home made) flask of coffee in the garden or go for a walk.

We went to Italy - ITALY, fgs - and didn't eat out anywhere because we were ok to subsist on camping stove meals. People literally approached us thinking we were homeless.

In some small ways I think we've lost a bit of this stringency, and become more about 'treat yourself' in a negative way, but I am now absolutley about living my life. I have good habits when it comes to tat and clutter, and try not to waste money, but I have no intention of living my life going without - always going without. All for the sake of seeing the bank balance grow.

TapasForTwo · 18/03/2019 17:01

"It's none of your business"

Well, it kind of is when it impacts on the OP - where they go for lunch or the OP being taken advantage of paying for lunch.

TightwadCity have you actually said in a jokey way "don't be such a tight-arse" or similar? Next time she thinks you are being extravagant just say to her "I'm not a tight-arse like you" or similar. She clearly doesn't realise it herself.

I agree that you should stop going to lunch with her, and if she asks why just tell her the truth.

Margot33 · 18/03/2019 17:01

I'm in the UK so I honestly don't know anywhere you can get lunch for £3?!! I would stop going out for lunch with her and tell her why. It's up to her if she wants to spend a normal amount to get to eat out with you! Please stop buying her lunches. The fact she can afford it but refuses to pay, that's awful.

woollyheart · 18/03/2019 17:04

I think @crosspelican might have a point. Could your friend think she is doing you a favour accompanying you on shopping trips?

If she has no interest in consumerism except to sneer at it, she must think that it is your preference to go to shops and eat out, not hers.

If she has been a good friend, why don't you say that as shopping is no longer pleasing to her, and seems to upset her, why doesn't she suggest an outing that you might both enjoy?

But don't play along with any agenda that you need to pay for her food. She needs practice at paying for herself.

cantbearsed1 · 18/03/2019 17:11

Bloody hell do not pay!!
It is up to her if she wants to be tight, but do not subsidise her. Get her to choose where to go. Be honest and say it is hard to find somewhere for £3, so where would she suggest? And eat what you want. Extra piece of cake, wine, etc. Do not share with her either. If she asks for a taste just say no sorry.

cantbearsed1 · 18/03/2019 17:12

And I hate shopping but would accompany a friend. So the not buying anything would not bother me at all. That is up to her.

eddielizzard · 18/03/2019 17:13

She is taking advantage and it sounds like your friendship is now in chore territory rather than enjoyment. You could tell her straight - you don't enjoy her company any more because she's so tight fisted. Or you could ask her where she's taking you for lunch since it's her turn. Give her a chance. And then take it from there.

She carries on because so far there haven't been any real consequences. But I bet losing your friendship will be a big blow for her. Might spur her into some introspection.

cantbearsed1 · 18/03/2019 17:16

If you stop paying for her lunch, then it does not really matter. She can order chips, while you have a nice meal.

Original poster
TightwadCity · 18/03/2019 17:19

No, definitely not a case of her doing me a favour by coming shopping with me. I'm sorry to say that she is very lonely and I am her only friend which is why I am so reluctant to give up on her. I have a very full and happy life and have numerous other friends to go out with, so, no, it's not that. She wants to go shopping but just won't spend anything that's all.
For those interested £3 lunch, Greggs/Subway/McDonalds [yuk] hence why I took lunch on as it's the highlight of her week. I see now that it's probably because I pay and have done for a very long time!

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 18/03/2019 17:21

What does she like doing?

If she has an anxiety about spending money on expensive lunches and tat for her grandchildren, then maybe ask her to plan the next outing?

She obviously doesn’t enjoy shopping.

Happynow001 · 18/03/2019 17:22

Don't you dread going out with this friend OP? A lot of the pleasure in spending the day with a friend is to have a great coffee/cake mid morning or a delicious relaxed lunch somewhere and pottering about enjoying the scenery and buying bits for family- eg cake for your DH who, I bet, is really appreciative of it. Just enjoying the fun of being in relaxed company .. is that how you feel at the end of one of these days?

Boysey45 · 18/03/2019 17:22

Don't ever pay for her ever again OP.
I had a friend like this but I'm not friends with her anymore. She wouldn't even buy a coffee ever and would get everyone to do jobs and favours for her so she didn't have to spend a penny. I thought she was in total poverty or a lot of debt or something. But it turns out she bought 2 houses in cash! She only earned 14K, so god knows how she did it.
She dressed like a total tramp with holes in her clothes and shoes with no tread on and they had big holes in as well.
I'd dump her OP and go out with people who are more giving and generous. You wont change her, it was be impossible, these tightarses don't change.

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