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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me or is this TOO tight to be normal behaviour?

122 replies

TightwadCity · 18/03/2019 14:19

I'm interested in opinions on the behaviour of a friend of mine. For background her house is fully paid for and she has a LOT of savings which she is saving for her old age apparently although she is already drawing her pension. We go out quite regularly for lunch and shopping but she never spends a single penny on these trips. We both have grandchildren and I like to buy mine little treats such as a new T-Shirt or a book or some favourite sweets etc, but she never does anything for her DGC , never takes them anywhere and is SO mean about Christmas/Easter/Birthdays that it makes me want to scream. She makes comments to me about spoiling my children/grandchildren which, like her, I can easily afford to do. Her DC's have commented to me about her tightness so I know I'm not imagining it but it has got to the point that it is sucking the joy out of our trips for me. There was the same issue over where to have lunch as she wouldn't spend more than £3 which of course severely restricted where we could eat - in the end I started paying for lunch for both of us on every trip. AIBU to be struggling to get my head round all this and how would you deal with it?

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 18/03/2019 15:10

What she spends or doesnt spend on her gc is nothing to do with you.

However you buying her lunch when she has money to buy her own.Is not on.I would stop that

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 18/03/2019 15:11

It sounds a bit obsessive to me, like she may have an issue and need some help, especially if her family are commenting on it. It sounds a bit like hoarding - how collecting stuff isn't an issue but when it's the main thing controlling your life and becomes all consuming, it is. Saving instead of spending is fine, letting it affect your life to the extent you can't enjoy yourself when you can afford to is beyond 'careful with money'. Letting you pay is just rude I think, it's her choice not to buy lunch - fine but don't expect someone else to.

I don't think you can do much though if she doesn't think she has a problem.

I would just focus on spending time with her where you don't spend money. Picnic in the park, go for a walk, meet at each others houses. You are currently meeting and doing activities she doesn't want to engage with. And find someone else to go out to lunch with

diddl · 18/03/2019 15:13

" in the end I started paying for lunch for both of us on every trip. "

More fool you-unless you want to.

As pp have said, she can spend her money(or not!) as she sees fit.

Likewise, so can you.

Ellie56 · 18/03/2019 15:17

Oh God life's too short to keep going out with someone who is so tight and sucks out the joy of everything . I would find someone else to go out with who doesn't mind spending money.

If you live near me OP I'll go out to lunch with you. I don't mind spending more than £3. Wink

edwinbear · 18/03/2019 15:21

My DM is like this, as DC I remember my DSis and I having to walk miles to get into town as she wouldn't pay the 50p parking charge in the city centre, preferring to park in a garden centre which was free and we'd have to walk, our clothes came from jumble sales and I was made to wear those awful free NHS glasses for which I was mercilessly teased at school. My parents were well off, but just exceptionally tight - until it came to antique furniture where they'd happily spend £10k on a table.

She hasn't changed a bit and is now exceptionally tight with the DGC, in fact it's one of the contributing factors as to why we are now NC. That and the time she came to visit at the same time as my IL's and announced during our beef wellington dinner, "gosh it must be lovely to be able to afford to eat beef wellington". Nobody knew quite where to look it was so awkward.

pootyisabadcat · 18/03/2019 15:21

FFS stop paying for her fucking lunch! Taking a step back from her sounds a very good idea. She's a git. Her family will hopefully cut her out.

Spiritinabody · 18/03/2019 15:24

It sounds like you took the initiative to pay for her lunch rather than that she asks you to. If you aren't happy to continue doing that then just stop.

Maybe she is one of those people who are very thrifty because she doesn't know how long she'll live and how long her savings will last.

It isn't nice though. It must drain the joy out of everything.

Tbh, I think it's great that she doesn't spoil her GC by buying presents for them when it isn't their birthday or Christmas.

If she is a true friend then why can't you have a proper chat to her about this? Explain how you find it isn't fun to be concerned at her comments on buying things and struggle with having to find cheap lunches when you want to try different places or whatever.

Are you positive she has "a lot" of savings? Perhaps she has debts or outgoings that you are unaware of?

The first thing I would do, whatever her circumstances, is stop paying for her lunch.

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/03/2019 15:25

The buying stuff I must admit I don’t buy random things when I am out with friends unless I need to and see something for a specific birthday coming up.

The £3 on lunch is super tight fisted. She sounds like my mother who I haven’t seen for umpteen years.

The only time she would go in a restaurant would be on holiday and then she would spend the meal complaining about every penny cafes or restaurants charge and will haggle over the bill. This was after we had spent 2 hours studying every single menu, noting down the cost of a bowl of soup or pasta and finding the cheapest place to eat. Usually down some back alley in a cafe full of men smoking and the food was awful but she had saved 20p

Your friend I think is aiming to be the richest woman in the graveyard

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/03/2019 15:28

Just seen your post edwinbear

I think we might have had the same mother

Jaxhog · 18/03/2019 15:30

It's up to her what she spends on DGG (although I was Shock at not buying anything).

But you paying for her lunch is definately unreasonable. I'd just meet her for coffee in future - that'll fit her budget. Maybe her finances aren't as good as she makes out?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 18/03/2019 15:31

I remember reading about Lester Piggot, and his tax evasion, he was terrified of being poor again, he grew up in a house where there was little to eat and he was simply terrified and didnt want to return to those days, so he hoarded money.

What your friend is doing isnt 'normal' but them neither is being a profligate sendthrift. Your friend obviously has issues with money and worries about poverty.

Original poster
TightwadCity · 18/03/2019 15:31

Yes, I know for certain that she has a lot of savings - we have been friends for quite a long time and she has had a number of inheritances in that time. We sometimes discuss investments and where we're moving money from/to etc.
I have on occasion [gently] spoken to her about money and being tight but she just denies it and says she has no problem spending.

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 18/03/2019 15:31

I wouldn’t be spending time with her. Meanness is a very unattractive trait and imo those who are mean with money are usually mean in every other aspect of their lives. I bet she isn’t a supportive friend to you.

Original poster
TightwadCity · 18/03/2019 15:39

@Oliversmumsarmy - richest woman in the graveyard made me laugh! It's little things, like I'll buy a cake from the bakers for DH whilst we're out but she complains that I must be mad and refuses to do the same for her DH. I could give you numerous examples like this but I now realise it's pointless as she has a big problem in my opinion and isn't going to change.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 18/03/2019 15:40

Friends/family being tight with money is a very unattractive quality. It is such a joyless, unpleasant way to be. (How much money she actually has is of course none of your business.) I personally would step back from this friendship as I would find it hard to deal with, but each to their own of course

EmpressJewel · 18/03/2019 15:41

Some people are just tight and it's just their normal.

It's unlikely that your friend will ever change though.

museumum · 18/03/2019 15:41

How about trying out socialising away from consumerism for a change? Go for a country walk or something. If she's good company again then great, that's your answer (and don't spend all day talking about things you're buying or intending to buy).
Personally, I'm not really that into 'lunch and shopping'. I don't really enjoy shopping and I only really like lunch when it's a lovely pub lunch after a good bracing walk to work up an appetite.
If she's still a misery then draw back from the friendship.

HollowTalk · 18/03/2019 15:41

What's she like if someone buys her a present? When you buy her lunch, does she acknowledge it? Thank you? Are you not tempted to say, "Don't you think it's a bit much that I always buy your lunch when you have more money than I do?"

crosspelican · 18/03/2019 15:45

Has she actually mentioned the £3 figure lately? Have you ever asked her out straight where she thinks she can eat lunch for so little? I would definitely stop paying for her. If you go into a cafe, just order for yourself and let her sustain herself on a cup of tea.

HOWEVER you say you go out regularly for shopping and lunch, but as she pays for neither, are you sure she doesn't view herself as escorting you on YOUR shopping and lunch trips, and therefore regards her lunch as part of the deal? Your thank you to her for her company?

chocatoo · 18/03/2019 15:45

I can’t bear meanness. STOP PAYING FOR HER!! Tell her that you want to have lunch somewhere nicer which you can both afford, especially when you stop subsiding her and ask her to let you know if she wishes to carry on meeting on that basis. She must smile happily to herself all the way home that you have paid for her...stop being taken for a mug.

BlueMerchant · 18/03/2019 15:46

Always the ones that have plenty are stingy with it!
I'd definitely not be buying her lunch. I'd have something to eat before I met up with her.

Original poster
TightwadCity · 18/03/2019 15:46

God, actually, thinking about it, no she doesn't say thank you for lunch. I'm being taken advantage of, I can see that now. Thanks everyone for your input - I've certainly been put in my place by a few of you but do value the constructive opinions on here.

OP posts:
Dieu · 18/03/2019 15:54

She sounds awful!

SuziQ10 · 18/03/2019 16:01

Sounds like some sort of anxiety issue! Or some kind of paranoia.

But it might be time to find someone else to go shopping with Wink

rachelfrost · 18/03/2019 16:02

I wonder if your friend has been poor, maybe just for a couple of years or as a child? Not that being broke makes you tight but she might have imposed very strict rules about spending in her past and never felt safe enough to let go of them.

The other thing it could be, although the £3 lunch suggests not, is that she’s very environmentally or politically committed and doesn’t want to buy for the sake of buying.