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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want someone else to tell my kids?

52 replies

babymidgetgem · 18/03/2019 13:55

DCat became very ill yesterday. Took her to the vets today, and after blood tests she is in end stage kidney failure. We are going to pick up the girls after school and take them to say goodbye before we have her pts. But I don't want to tell them Sad can't bear the thought of their little faces crippling, please can somebody else do it? Sorry not really an AIBU, just feeling sad and lost.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 18/03/2019 13:56

I'm so sorry :(
Your kids want you to tell them. They wouldn't want the news from anyone else.

LtJudyHopps · 18/03/2019 14:06

If someone other than my parents delivered bad news I would be gutted. Don’t do that to them, just be honest and tactful.

hedgeharris · 18/03/2019 14:08

Have you got some books like ‘goodbye mog’, ‘when dinosaurs die’ etc - or something aimed at older children - get prepared and it will make you feel calmer. It is really hard but it can’t be avoided so think through what you are going to say - sorry for your loss.

EmeraldShamrock · 18/03/2019 14:12

How sad. I have no advise but I wish you luck, it is terrible.

PanannyPanoo · 18/03/2019 14:14

Such a horrible time for you all. It is such an enormous loss losing a pet, as they are such a permanent, constant fixture in daily life.

Will you be burying her in the garden? Maybe your girls could draw a picture to bury with her - or if she will be staying at the vets you could take it there. Any little ritual that will help them through.
Maybe you could make a photo book together and plant a pussy willow or something at the weekend, to give you all something to concentrate on.

So sorry for your sadness.

BeGoodTanya · 18/03/2019 14:14

I think you may be surprised at how stoical and pragmatic they are. All you can do is give them the facts, tell them it isn't fair to let your car suffer more, that it's the kindest last thing you can do as pet owners, and that it's OK to be sad.

trancepants · 18/03/2019 14:15

I'm sorry. Our dog died last month and telling DS that it was going to happen and then had happened was one of the hardest things I had to do. I went out and bought him some comfort food beforehand and just let him cry for as long as he needed. I also avoided telling him that the dog was put to sleep, as I think the fact that we were making a choice to end the dog's life is too hard for a small child to understand.

Unfortunately it's not looking good for our other dog now either, so I'll likely have to do it all over again in the next few months. And my parents' dog is unlikely to see 2020 if I'm honest. The perils of us all getting dogs 15-13 years ago.

BlueMerchant · 18/03/2019 14:18

So sorry. It's you they need to hear it from.
Love the idea of making a photo book when the time feels right.CakeBrew

Laiste · 18/03/2019 14:22
Flowers

How old are the DDs?

If they're young quite honestly i think you're very brave doing the taking them to say goodbye thing. I've never done that with DCs. I've always delivered the news as a done deal which happened earlier in the day and dealt with the rivers of our collective snot and tears sadness at home when they receive the news after the pet has been pts.

3 of my 4 are adults now and we've had lots of pets and loved them until they've died at home or been pts. Shielding the DCs from the 'front line' a bit while they were young hasn't done any damage. (before someone suggests it).

Nevergotobedfangry · 18/03/2019 14:27

When I was little parents had our dog pts. Me and bro stayed at grandparents from r the night. When we came back we was told the dog had gone on a long holiday because he was sick and needed to get better. We forgot about the dog eventually. Then once remembered we was told the truth

Laiste · 18/03/2019 14:28

The other thing i meant to say was in my case although i pull myself together ok quite quickly after the event i've been known to go utterly to pieces at the vets table (accidentally punched DH on the jaw last time! Blush) and i wouldn't want a young DC to have to deal with the loss of the pet AND me wailing in there :(

cantbearsed1 · 18/03/2019 14:33

OP this will be incredibly hard for you, but sadly you do have to do it.
For your DC it will be a sad time, but does teach kids about death and bereavement.

SugarPlumLairy2 · 18/03/2019 14:33

Please tell them yourself and at home where they can cry and be comforted as needed.
Are you bringing the body home for burial/cremation or just having the vet deal with that? You can have a very meaningful goodbye ceremony of your own without everyone breaking down at vets.

Very sorry for your loss and hope you and kids will be ok. Xx

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/03/2019 14:36

I don't think you should tell them beforehand or that DCat is being PTS. Just tell them after that DCat was very poorly and died. Also make sure they know it's fine to cry and be upset together.

Yes it's tough and they will be understandably upset, but that's part of life. And learning how to deal with grief is a really important lesson.

Jenniferyellowcat · 18/03/2019 14:41

I am sorry about DCat Flowers I know how hard it is.

When I took mine to the vet and discovered similar DD was with me in the room. I wanted to curl up and cry but I somehow held it together as she was there. On the way home she asked if the cat was going to die and I said yes and she said “can we get a dog?” Grin

She was upset but she had her own way of showing it and she talked to me about it at later stages, one time quite recently. We just had a cuddle and I said it was normal to feel sad etc. I got Goodbye Mog and that really helped. There is also a good Alfie book, The Birthday Present.

Popuppippa · 18/03/2019 14:49

I think however difficult it is, it has to be you who tells them.

It's really hard. I had to do the same when my younger two children lost a shared pet. Youngest was utterly devastated (pet had died at home) but he made a little bed to transport the pet to the vets and said his last goodbyes in the waiting room. I couldn't speak and the two receptionists were tearful but dealing with it directly and the children being involved helped them in dealing with the sadness.

MuminMama · 18/03/2019 14:49

That is so very sad and I'm sorry. How old are the DCs? Mine were maybe five and three when my DCat was pts really and there were not as affected as I thought they would be. xxx

Kedgeree · 18/03/2019 14:53

I think you may be surprised at how stoical and pragmatic they are

This ^^. When DDog got run over and killed, I was dreading picking up DS2 from school and telling him (it was his dog). I went and bought him a new toy, got him in the car, took a deep breath and explained. He pulled a sad face and then said "Can I have a rabbit now?" Hmm.

Original poster
babymidgetgem · 18/03/2019 15:05

Of course I'm going to tell them myself, I just wish I didn't have to. They are both fully aware of the likelihood that she might not pull through, we have always tried to be totally honest with pets and death. It's just the knowledge that it will break their hearts to know she is going. But they both want and need to say goodbye. We are paying to have her individually cremated. Oh I hate this but of pet ownership Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
babymidgetgem · 18/03/2019 15:05

Beautiful Poppy cat

To want someone else to tell my kids?
OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 18/03/2019 15:08

Poor pussycat. xx

Duckduckduck123 · 18/03/2019 15:12

Gorgeous poppy cat Flowers for you all

FurrySlipperBoots · 18/03/2019 15:13

*Handhold

I'm sorry OP, how very sad. How old are your children? Peaceful passing vibes for Poppy.

Original poster
babymidgetgem · 18/03/2019 15:15

They are 10 and 5. We have lost a couple of hamsters in the past but this is their first "big" pet death Sad thank you.

OP posts:
CheeseRolls · 18/03/2019 15:18

Beautiful cat. I'm sorry for the pain and loss OP. Thanks