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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want someone else to tell my kids?

52 replies

babymidgetgem · 18/03/2019 13:55

DCat became very ill yesterday. Took her to the vets today, and after blood tests she is in end stage kidney failure. We are going to pick up the girls after school and take them to say goodbye before we have her pts. But I don't want to tell them Sad can't bear the thought of their little faces crippling, please can somebody else do it? Sorry not really an AIBU, just feeling sad and lost.

OP posts:
Whatsername7 · 18/03/2019 15:18

Dd7 fpund the rainbow bridge poem reallt helpful when we lost our cat a few months ago. Id had dd help me get her ready to go to the vets ans give her a big cuddle before going. Dd knew there were 3 outcomes - cat would be fine, cat needed medication and might die, cat was too poorly would be pts. I walked in to the house and she adked where the cat was and I just said 'im sorry' and dd howled like a wounded animal. It was horrible. But, the rainbow bridge and lots of talking helped. If you are planning to let your dds be there when she is pts, just be aware they can gasp even after they are are dead. Its pretty traumatic. Im glad I shielded dd from that. Sorry for your loss. Flowers

MuminMama · 18/03/2019 15:29

Lovely cat; hugs.

ohfourfoxache · 18/03/2019 15:38

Beautiful Poppy Sad

So sorry you’re going through this - it sucks Sad

ShaggyRug · 18/03/2019 15:40

So sorry about Poppy Flowers

Twice I’ve had to meet DD at school to tell her that a Grandfather had died.

It’s the worst thing to have to tell them but I’d not have anyone else do it.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 18/03/2019 15:42

Would a funeral help?

HunterHearstHelmsley · 18/03/2019 15:46

I remember one of hours been put to sleep. He was incredibly poorly and my DM didn't know he wasn't going to be coming home with her. We never got to say goodbye to him as we were at school.

It'll hard to tell them, but they will get to give her a last kiss and cuddle.

CabbageHippy · 18/03/2019 15:47

so sorry, I lost my fur baby back in January & still miss her every single day

Slatkater · 18/03/2019 15:52

💐💐💐 For you and beautiful Poppy.

LilQueenie · 18/03/2019 15:54

tell them and don't pretend the cat has gone wandering or something. I was told my cat had wandered and maybe it was living with a new family. I spent 15 years blaming myself from the age of 4. Angry It was actually ill and had been pts.

Travis1 · 18/03/2019 15:55

Lots of love Flowers

patchysmum · 18/03/2019 15:56

I think it is your responsibility to tell them.My mum was like you and could never tell me bad news,she got my stepfather to tell me when the cat died and my bio dad really wished she had told me myself.Srely you now your kids better than anyone else and will know how to tell them

Knickersononeshead · 18/03/2019 15:56

Aww I'm so sorry.

Our dcat passed away during the night last Wednesday and DD11 found her in the morning. They were absolutely gutted.

Take comfort in the fact that she was well loved and have a little burial for her. It's helped here.

claragolightly · 18/03/2019 15:58

Poppy is beautiful, I'm so sorry for your news.

LemsipLemsipLemsip · 18/03/2019 16:00

Thinking of Poppy and your family too. Flowers
We had to do similar a few years ago. My slightly older DC insisted on staying with her until the end. Thankfully her passing was peaceful. We had an individual cremation too and she now sits on her favourite windowsill. DC would occasionally leave her flowers etc, now I do!

SirGawain · 18/03/2019 16:01

Breaking bad news is never nice but its one on the things you have to do as a parent. Whether it's a much loved granny or a much loved cat it's your responsibility as I'm sure you know. Just go ahead as honestly as you are able, it will be fine and they will respect you for it.

NotTheFordType · 18/03/2019 16:03

I'm so sorry Flowers

I strongly suggest telling them before, if you can, to allow them to say goodbye.

I was given the whole "he's gone to live on a farm" crap when I was a child and when I realised, once older, that it was a lie, the sense of betrayal was intense.

Ottessa · 18/03/2019 16:05

I agree, NotTheFordType -- my mother chickened out of telling me my dog had died in his sleep, and lied about it, and I felt very betrayed by her.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 18/03/2019 16:10

goodbye mog is a
Lovely book highly recommended to normalise it xxx

Coyoacan · 18/03/2019 16:14

I think the five-year-old is more likely to take it in their stride because they have no concept of death yet. My dd was like that at that age and for a moment I thought I was raising a psychopath.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

elfycat · 18/03/2019 16:21

It's important not to say 'put to sleep ' to young children as they can get mixed up and worry about dying and sleep.

I've always described it as they get a medicine that makes them sleep, and then slows down their breathing and heart. My children are fairly pragmatic and when I explain the other option is an increasingly ill cat until they die in a short time frame, they agree that it for the best.

I've done this twice now. First time I knew DCat 100% would be PTS (abdominal mass) and told DDs that she was very ill, and that the vet and I were probably going to decide to let her die today, rather than get any worse and in more pain. DDs were 3 & 5.

Then 2 years ago (DDs were 6 & 8) another older cat lost an eye. We thought it was because of a scratch. She had some very odd blood results at that time, and then her other eye started breaking down. She had a form of leukaemia - not the feline virus one, but rather old bone marrow messing about. The DDs were told that we were going to let her have the injection and went off to school. DD1 was a bit tearful for a few days.

I've just mentioned to it now (DD1 is 10) and she's still sad that Dcat died - but not about HOW she died.

Have tissues and cuddled ready. Flowers

Justsaynonow · 18/03/2019 16:27

I'm so sorry. It is heartbreaking to lose a beloved pet.

I would tell them, allow them to say goodbye, and ask if they'd like to write a note or picture to bury with her (if you're burying the ashes?)

Our 17yo cat died 3 weeks ago, and our whole family looked after her on her last day. It was fortunate that everyone was here, as I think they would have missed out on a priceless experience. I didn't take her to be pts as she wasn't suffering and she hated going to the vet. We emphasized that this process is also an important part of pet parenting -helping them at the end.

My kids are early 20's now - last cat died when they were very young and at a very different stage, though they still know where her grave is.

We wrapped her in a favourite blanket, with treats, had a funeral in the back yard and dd20 wrote a letter to bury with her. We all go out to say hi, and it seems like she's visiting us - a nail or a clump of hair randomly appear, and we hear her throughout the house. It's amazing how much she was part of every facet of our lives. Three weeks on, they're now at the reminiscing stage.

This rainbow bridge cartoon practically undid me the other day, but is comforting.

To want someone else to tell my kids?
To want someone else to tell my kids?
thebear1 · 18/03/2019 16:28

My cat was pts recently for end stage kidney failure. My ds aged 11 and 5 were upset initially but recovered pretty quickly. They didn't say goodbye. Hope you are okay op. They bring us joy but it hurts when they go.

ginghamtablecloths · 18/03/2019 16:28

This news is sad, whoever it comes from, but it really is up to you to tell them. Sorry. Part of being a parent is dealing with the bad stuff as well. You have to be strong for them.

anniehm · 18/03/2019 17:19

Just be truthful. Only last week our vicar was asked by a Sunday club kid if their dog was in heaven and he reassured her there was a massive park and a swimming lake (the dog loved swimming), it's not for everyone but it made a difficult situation a little easier for this child. Say what is right for your family, and don't be afraid to be upset yourself, they will get over it quicker than you.

Original poster
babymidgetgem · 18/03/2019 17:48

Thank you all. She is gone now Sad the girls both chose to be with her as she went, it was very peaceful and she had lots of cuddles and kisses first, and then I held her until her heart stopped and the girls kissed her and stroked her after. They are pretty distraught, but both glad they were able to say goodbye.

OP posts: