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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be frustrated at my husbands unwillingness to attempt DIY

49 replies

Footsall · 18/03/2019 08:28

I already know that IABU but I just feel so frustrated.

DH is a fantastic dad, does more than his fair share around the house and with the Children.

BUT my house is literally falling down around us and his reluctance to do the smallest of jobs is frustrating me. When I buy supplies to do a job myself, he will put it down and stand over me and put it down.

Next thing I know He will have a friend turn up to take a look which really annoys me as I don’t like that he asks friends for simple help.

Eg, I noticed a leak coming through kitchen from the shower. I realised that it needed resealing. DH goes on about getting a friend round to do the job. 2 weeks later nothing is done. I ended up doing it and it fixed the problem but he was so critical as I was doing it.

The shed is leaking and serious damage is being done. It just needs a bit of felt reseated where is has lifted. I am happy to do it but need someone to foot the ladder. DH won’t do it and keeps telling me to wait until his friend is free. It has been 4 months and the wood is rotten now.

AIBU to just want him to try?

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 18/03/2019 08:35

That would drive me mad. There is no excuse. I wonder what his problem is?

endofthelinefinally · 18/03/2019 08:35

YANBU.

BentNeckLady · 18/03/2019 08:38

This would drive me demented. Where do you live? I’ll foot your ladder for you if it means you get to be able to say “I’ve done it” the next time it comes up in conversation!

sackrifice · 18/03/2019 08:40

How tall is your shed?

Hereward1332 · 18/03/2019 08:48

Why do you expect him to do the job if you are more competent and noticed it first?

It sounds like you notice a problem, and then neither of you do anything for a couple of weeks.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 18/03/2019 08:49

YABU to want him to try.

YADNBU to tell him to fuck off interfering when he tries to stop you. What's that about? You sound competent and proactive. I'm completely unskilled and would be delighted to pass nails and hold ladders.

Moanymoaner123 · 18/03/2019 08:50

Both of those jobs are quick, cheap and easy to do yourself I have done both by myself in my own home. Get a step ladder so you don't need anyone to steady it, godsend as a shorter lady. I have always done all the DIY as ex was worse than useless at it, if your DH is critical of your attempts just don't mention the issue and fix it without telling him. No criticism and job done in one fell swoop.

HarrysOwl · 18/03/2019 08:53

Why do you need your DH to do it?!

Carry on doing the jobs yourself, and tell him to fuck off with his criticisms.

boringlyboring · 18/03/2019 09:02

This is exactly like my dp, waiting for a friend an all. It really frustrates me. I will do a lot myself, but there’s certain things I can’t or need help with and it’s an ongoing battle so I have no advice really just need to rant with you.

I am dreading spring/summer as we have a huge garden and there’s just stuff I physically can’t do alone - but I don’t see why we should pay or get someone else to do it when between us we are more than capable.

He is great in other aspects (no dc though) everything else is done fairly, he is considerate and he will even help me with errands for my nan who I care for - and he has no obligation to.

When it comes to any minor home improvement, it’s an uphill battle I rarely win.

Original poster

Footsall · 18/03/2019 09:05

I agree that I don’t need DH do it. It’s just he is so unwilling to even assist and just says that he is rubbish and DIY.

Those are just two examples. We bought a fixer upper after moving from a new build and I really wish he had told me beforehand as I would have moved somewhere less demanding. We have been here over 12 years now and none of the jobs that we talked about have been done. There is still a big hole in my kitchen where the plaster cracked.

I just get frustrating that he would rather leave a problem to get worse than attempt to try and fix it and I feel overwhelmed by how many jobs there’s are.

But you are right, I should do it myself. I am happy to try but not confident.

OP posts:

boringlyboring · 18/03/2019 09:06

Oh actually one thing my dp atleast isn’t critical of my diy but he has no sense of urgency. He is very laid back and will just say why stress, we both work, it will get done when it’s done. But it never does!

Iggly · 18/03/2019 09:08

Not doing it is one thing but stopping you from doing it is quite another. The only thing I can think is that his fragile ego sees it as an affront on him. Which is a bit of a dick move.

Can you ask a friend or parents to come over and help you with a few odd jobs of a weekend?

Original poster

Footsall · 18/03/2019 09:10

@boringlyboring

I think that is my issue. So many things can be achieved if we work together but not only does he not trust himself but he doesn’t trust me.

OP posts:

QuietlyQuaffing · 18/03/2019 09:11

YANBU. He needs to stop criticising.

My guess is he's lacking confidence and a bit embarrassed that you, a woman, is better than him at "blue jobs". He should just appreciate you a bit more and not be an arse about it.

He can't get a friend round to fix every single little thing,that's not what grown ups do.

Haisuli · 18/03/2019 09:12

Mine is a bad Diyer too. And worse he hates getting work men round too because he is embarrassed and thinks he ought to be able to fix it. Generally I have to get them round d when he is out, so it all falls on my shoulders

Livingoncake · 18/03/2019 09:14

Does he actually know how to do the jobs you’ve mentioned? I wouldn’t have a clue and would be completely stumped if anyone expected me to do them.

Do you expect him to know how to DIY because he’s a man? Not snarking, just curious.

Original poster

Footsall · 18/03/2019 09:17

@Livingoncake

I think it is the opposite. I think that he feels that he should know so is reluctant to try and get it wrong

OP posts:

boringlyboring · 18/03/2019 09:19

It is very frustrating. I have so many times said well I’ll just pay someone to do it and we’ll throw thousands down the pan. But it’s obviously an empty threat as we don’t have that it to throw in the first place 😂

I honestly have no advice. In the past I have pestered severely, we have argued and it makes a short term difference. Example, the hallway and landing has needed painting for a year. Finally started after Xmas after a row as we both had some decent time off and it was just wasted (we don’t do Xmas really so no excuse there). The painting has been done in sections over 4 times now and still not completed.

Criticising is very shit of him though. I think he’s more likely embarrassed that you have to do it.

QuietlyQuaffing · 18/03/2019 09:20

I thought this thread would be the OP expecting the man to do it all because he's the man but I really don't think that is the case here. She only wanted him to hold the ladder, and he wouldn't.

sackrifice · 18/03/2019 09:21

So, how tall is your shed?

I do DIY all the time at home, in the gardens and my allotment.

If your shed is a normal size, you don't need a ladder you can use a foldaway platform which is much safer. I have one and just last month used it to twirl and tie up the wysteria on my garden room.

www.wickes.co.uk/Wickes-General-Purpose-Hop-Up-Platform-600-x-300-mm/p/106265?utm_source=google&scid=scplp106265&sc_intid=106265&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI48Ogh66L4QIVj1qGCh0IhQ42EAQYAyABEgIL6fD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

BinaryStar · 18/03/2019 09:23

If you’ve got a big batch of jobs how about finding a good all rounder handyman who can do most of them? A few days solid work for them might really cut down the list hanging over you.

boringlyboring · 18/03/2019 09:27

My dp isn’t confident I think, but he is capable. He’s done an amazing job of the painting I mentioned. We laid some floor in a spare room last year together and it’s turned out really well.

Most things he does turn out really well, he’s very precise. And I do tell him how good he is at it. It’s just a shame that it has to take a year of me going on about it.

echt · 18/03/2019 09:29

Jesus.

My late DH nearly wore his lip out sneering at men who could not do DIY, though he said it to me, not them. He regarded DIY as an essential component of manliness, though loved that I could do so much of it too, and always joined in.

OP, your DH is a prize tosser for stopping you from doing what he can't be arsed doing.

boringlyboring · 18/03/2019 09:30

Yes quietly that’s it. I have wanted to post similar in the past, and haven’t because I know it would sound that way.

I really feel for OP as it’s just banging your head against a wall.

It’s the fact that there’s no teamwork between 2 capable adults, and no sense of necessity I guess.

Raspberry10 · 18/03/2019 09:35

Oh my DH is like this, in fairness he hates DIY and works long hours. But after I had a mirror sitting on the floor for 4 years because he never got round to putting it up, I flipped So if it’s a small job I do it now, or if it’s a big one I hire someone in. Generally cheaper than all the kit DH would have to buy anyway.

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