To be frustrated at my husbands unwillingness to attempt DIY

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I already know that IABU but I just feel so frustrated.

DH is a fantastic dad, does more than his fair share around the house and with the Children.

BUT my house is literally falling down around us and his reluctance to do the smallest of jobs is frustrating me. When I buy supplies to do a job myself, he will put it down and stand over me and put it down.

Next thing I know He will have a friend turn up to take a look which really annoys me as I don’t like that he asks friends for simple help.

Eg, I noticed a leak coming through kitchen from the shower. I realised that it needed resealing. DH goes on about getting a friend round to do the job. 2 weeks later nothing is done. I ended up doing it and it fixed the problem but he was so critical as I was doing it.

The shed is leaking and serious damage is being done. It just needs a bit of felt reseated where is has lifted. I am happy to do it but need someone to foot the ladder. DH won’t do it and keeps telling me to wait until his friend is free. It has been 4 months and the wood is rotten now.

AIBU to just want him to try?

But you are right, I should do it myself. I am happy to try but not confident

I felt the same, until I started giving things my best go and found I loved the satisfaction of a challenge!

I went from not being able to assemble an IKEA table to tiling and grouting a kitchen; my confidence and enthusiasm rubbed off on my DH and he's great now.

Though, I cannot bare to watch him do anything (WHY IS HE SO SLOW) and I can't have him watching me!

As a someone who was (I'm now disabled and can't do what I was did!) a maintenance person, I am very skilled in DIY and gaffer tape!

I never liked working from ladders (I'm talking over 10ft), but otherwise very skilled. I was never qualified at anything, more jack of all and king of none, as the saying goes.

In my previous relationship, I stopped doing any DIY, as all I ever got was criticized over everything, along with the infamous.... That not the way I'd do it

In the end I stopped doing anything, and either let her do it, or got someone in, it was just easier. Just couldn't be bothered with all the complaining and criticising.... Bearing in mind, I'd done it all for 20years as work (or getting paid to do the same type of jobs) and for 5 years I restored an old hotel n bar, in a workable hostel, plus convert an old manse into a modern hostel.

I don't know if you're the critical type or not, but I'm certainly weary of doing anything to be criticised, I'm in far too much pain to go through that hassle, but maybe the dh doesn't want to get it wrong, and then get it in the neck.... Just a thought?

I'm glad my DP doesn't do any DIY. The damage, swearing and general disruption is a nightmare and he's very slapdash, so doesn't do it properly.

I'll do small jobs myself and am resigned to paying a proper tradesman to do stuff I can't.

DP's brilliant at fixing the cars and motorhome though, and good at anything electrical.

I don't know if you're the critical type or not, but I'm certainly weary of doing anything to be criticised, I'm in far too much pain to go through that hassle, but maybe the dh doesn't want to get it wrong, and then get it in the neck.... Just a thought?

So you are saying you think she is a nag, because he might stand on the bottom of a ladder wrong?

I suspect he feels like he should be able to do it because he's a man, and so finds it difficult to stand back and let you get on with it. It's no excuse but here is my strategy:

I do all the DIY because I'm the one capable of operating power tools without making unplanned holes in the floor/ceiling/myself. Unless it's something that really needs a second pair of hands, DH goes away lest he be tempted to criticise. If he really needs to be there, I tell him what we're doing and what I need from him before we start so he can raise any objections then and not when I'm irretrievably committed.

It's not ideal but until I can erase the effects of the toxic 80s masculinity drummed into his psyche at an early age it works for us. Weirdly it's his only patriarchal hangup (he does all the cooking for example) so I'm willing to work around it.

I get you. I don't care that DH won't/can't DIY. If he was criticising my own attempts though, I'd go apesh*t with him.

I do everything. Or I pay someone to do it if its beyond my abilities. If I don't do it that way, it won't get done. He complained once about my spending money on something that 'we' could do ourselves. I asked him if he was going to do it. No, but couldn't I?
As above. I went apeshit. He hasn't complained again.

This includes assembling every bit of flatpack furniture I've ever had. I just DIM (myself) I am competent at it. He loses his sh*t just looking at instructions.

**
It's not ideal but until I can erase the effects of the toxic 80s masculinity drummed into his psyche at an early age it works for us. Weirdly it's his only patriarchal hangup (he does all the cooking for example) so I'm willing to work around it.**

This is exactly what’s i think the problem is. If he gets a friend around then he is just getting “a mate to help” although I see he stands back and said friend does all the graft.

If he pays a handyman or if I do it then I think he feels that he is relinquishing his masculinity.

My OH is DIY obsessed. He's fantastic at it and can even make beautiful furniture. But my god, he's at it ALL THE TIME. If he notices something needs doing, it is done immediately. Even if it's 9pm. Send your DH away for the week and I'll be only too happy to send mine over to you, he'll be in his element!

It sounds like you’re not attempting the jobs because you know they’re difficult, and want your husband to do them so it can be his fault when they go wrong. I refuse to believe a house is falling apart for want of “simple” DIY jobs.

@BloodMeridian

Setting people up to fail is not really in my psyche. Rather try than fail than not at all.

Do you have the money to get handymen in? Do it. I couldn’t live with a hole in my kitchen wall.

Start doing whatever job looks less daunting and if he starts grumbling tell him he either does it himself or shuts up.

Klopp your DH sounds wonderful even if you’re fed up. If I could describe my ideal man I think ‘skilled at DIY’ would come pretty near the top of the list .

I am a great believer in getting the appropriate person in to do the appropriate jobs. One of the reasons I go out and earn money is so I don’t ha d to do a semi competent job then have to look at it every day for the rest of my life. I wish my OH took this view, but he’s obsessed with doing everything himself. Sometimes this works out ok (he did some really quite good boxing in of pipes in our old bathroom). Sometimes it does not (like last week when he tried to fix a drip in our kitchen tap and ended up spraying water everywhere and buggering the mixer tap so now we can only get boiling hot water in our kitchen 🙄 I wish like hell he’d just called the plumber we’ve now had to call anyway...

Don't be a nag

Could you not do the majority of the jobs when he's not around and book a handyman for those you can't manage, thus not involving him at all?

I'm fairly iron clad when it comes to fixing things. I grew up helping my brothers repair bikes, motorbikes and cars - but the various boyfriends I had over the years were very Me Man. Me Fix. You Woman. I learned very quickly that it was more satisfying to wait until they stomped off in disgust having thrown things across the floor before nipping in/under and doing whatever it was their testicles prevented them from asking me for my opinion about. I only ever had one cop a strop because I'd fixed something in ten seconds flat that he'd been swearing over for three days. But he had deserved that, as he'd been such a fucking dick to me about it in the first place.

DP was reluctant to do any DIY at first, as he was used to his father being all 'I'm in charge, I do it all', but once he realised if he didn't, I'd just do the lot (and be perfectly happy about it), he started off with the Manly Arts of Passing the 11mm Socket, Lifting Heavy Items and, most importantly, Getting a Brew On.

After a while, he was comfortable enough to come with me to various tool and supplier places (and watch me skip around happily ogling tool kits, whereas he was like a fish out of water) and tell the guys behind the counters that I was the one to speak to - eventually, he'd go and get me spares and, last summer, I came down from the loo to find that he'd obviously spoken to the bloke at enough length to change the fitting over himself. This finally worked out to the extent that, when we had repairmen in a couple of weeks ago and there was a problem with the work, he dealt with it by informing them 'The Missus says there's a fault on the charging circuit because x, y and z. Kettle's on - Bourbons or Custard Creams?'. It got fixed.

Maybe your OH is so lacking in confidence and knowledge that he doesn't know how simple some of these jobs are - and won't go into anywhere that could give him the information out of fear of being laughed at or talked down to? The best cure for that seems to be seeing somebody confidently doing it who isn't the Owner of a Penis.

I like men to be able to do basic DIY, but I also think women should be able to do DIY too. I needed wood for lining the paths of my allotment and making a cold frame with. I measured the plot and worked out how much wood I needed and went and bought it, my husband sawed it in to the lengths I requested. I drilled and nailed a few pieces together and took it round to (my) allotment. Teamwork. I did most of it because the allotment is my hobby but I'm rubbish at sawing.
I'd get someone in for a leaking roof from a broken shower cubicle though, but was delighted when the plumber my usual plumbers sent to fix a leaking heating pipe and refit a kitchen mixer tap was female.

I think you should pay a handyman to get it done rather than waiting around. Get the felting repaired on the shed properly before the whole structure is completely ruined and needs replacing.

Unless there was some sort of prior agreement that he would do DIY then you're being quite sexist in just assuming he will do it.

However his attitude is atrocious - tell him to fuck off with his criticism of you and continue doing things yourself. If he doesn't like it then he knows he could step in and do it himself...

He's not confident at DIY as you said, so you are hurting his manly pride by being fine at it. Just do it when he's not around & get steps that reach for the shed rather than a ladder that might slip.

I am a great believer in getting the appropriate person in to do the appropriate jobs. One of the reasons I go out and earn money is so I don’t ha d to do a semi competent job then have to look at it every day for the rest of my life

I take a certain pride in having a go (despite earning enough to get people in). It’s fun and better than sitting on my arse in an office all day as I do.

My DH was very skilled at DIY, he was a floorlayer by trade, but had good all round knowledge. Because of that, I couldn't get anyone in to do anything, but he wouldn't do it.

When he became ill and died, the one consolation was being able to get Handymen in (sounds harsher than it was meant ).

I could paint, though and he praised my painting.

I've taught myself a lot from YouTube. I haven't got good hand strength, so I bought decent tools. I don't do up ladder stuff by myself. DIYers fills A&E every Weekend.

He needs to be told to fuck off with the criticism. It's the same as with any aspect of your life together, only constructive criticism allowed.

DH has never in 40 years done household DIY or jobs. His attitude is that we should get someone in and pay them. This means that if I can't do it (and my skills and hand strength are limited) it often doesn't get done because you can't get tradesmen to do very small jobs.

However, he is very good at other things, he can do anything computer related and is a financial whizz.
I've learned to accept it.

My DH isn’t any good at DIY, we just get a handyman in to do any jobs that need doing, much easier that way.