To worry about how DH cares for our newborn?

[Proseccoplease19]

NC for this...love DH and we’ve just had our first DC. DH obviously loves her too. But it seems he just doesn’t know how to act with babies and I find it difficult, now it even seems DD (4 mos) has a preference for me, which I suspect makes DH feel a bit rubbish.

Examples:

• DD wakes from a nap crying. DH says “shush shush shush” as if he’s annoyed with her, almost scolding if that makes sense. (I would walk over and gently say her name, etc)
• DD loves to smile and coo, but he thinks it’s funny to go in her face and just make a solid stone face or make a scary noise, she doesn’t generally react well, ether stares and seems confused or will fuss a bit if he says “boo”. (I will just smile and coo and laugh with her, if she cries or may be pulls my hair I will say oh you feel sad or ouch that hurts mummy, but try to make my communication more clear with her if that makes sense)
• If she cries he will just rock her and shush her even if she is getting louder and more upset (I will try something else to see if I can help the crying)
• if she’s having a poo he says it’s gross. I encourage her and smile so she doesn’t have negative associations with poos or her body
• she’s been up for a couple hours and is starting to show signs of being tired (small tired cry, rubbing eyes) and he’ll start bouncing around with her and getting her more alert (I will say alright, you’re tired and start speaking more softly, stop playing, etc)
• she will wake up for the day and he will pick her up and start singing loud songs in her face (Children’s songs like ity but spider) and she’s still bleary eyed from the night, seems overwhelmed by him/singing. Then she yawns and he says oh she’s tired, and starts rocking and shushing her trying to get her back to sleep - of course ten she cries and is difficult to settle so I have to get her sorted

This is our first DC so I’m not sure if I’m being precious. I’ve had a bit of experience with babies but DH hasn’t had any and obviously I’m not an expert but I don’t know if the way he interacts is normal for FTDs.

This isn't 'normal'. Which poster told you this was 'normal'? I disagree. You sound very precious. You will cringe when you read this back, years from now.

He sounds great to me. He is doing his half, interacting and bonding with baby.

My brother makes stone cold faces at his daughter or frowns at her when they're playing. Shes not been affected by it other than not having a boring dad.

@FenellaMaxwell some secrets will go with me to the grave!!

Namestheyareachangin some of us do find the ‘cheerleading poo’ thing ridiculous though! Maybe I’m an awful mother but no, I have never thought that every little thing I did would impact my child’s wellbeing in a fundamental way for the rest of their life. I have a 9 week old and often tell him his poo smells like a sewer! It’s not catty and condescending, just an element of disbelief I think.

You're her favourite because you smell of milk. My 3rd dc is 4 months now and my OH has always been the rough and tumble guy. It's good for them. And she also prefers me cause I'm comfort and food. But that'll swap and change with age. I do have to tell my OH still oh look she's getting tired rubbing her eyes better get her to sleep before she gets cranky. But that's ok.

It’s perfectly normal for a baby to prefer their main caregiver. DS3 settles for me and not DH and reacts differently to suddenly hearing my voice. Shushing a baby is fine, so long as you’re not ignoring their needs. Having their cues misread or getting bounced differently from time to time will do your baby no harm.

I'm surprised so many posters think this is ok. Really?! He may be trying his best but frankly I think he's clueless. Even tiny babies know the difference between a smile and a hard face and making noises to startle her is just plain sick.

@SoyDora - finding it daft is fair enough, it is. But people basically saying to the OP "stop doing that, it's weird" and taking the absolute piss and assuming she's being competitive with her husband rather than genuinely if excessively concerned with her child are just being rather mean imo.

And good for you you felt no parental anxiety - I felt absolutely tons, especially in the first year, which may be why o can empathize with the OP. I wonder if this depends on personality (I am a bit of a worrier) or on how much you've had to do with babies before having one of your own (I had little experience so did a lot of reading, lots of which conflicts and most of which impresses on you the huge significance of the early months and years on ultimate development - not gonna lie, I was feeling the pressure!)

I guess people like yourself who didn't go through any of this may find it absurd, think the OP is being somehow disingenuous or a drama llama. Suffice to say I know her feelings are genuine and hard to deal with, especially on limited sleep and swilling with bf hormones. Maybe that insight helps me be a bit more supportive and offer advice she may actually be able to use.

Thanks for the support. Yes, I am prepared to be called precious, that’s why I’ve posted. At the same time though, it’s what was said by a PP-that DH does some of these things and continues to unsettle DD. If I gently suggest “that sounds like her tired cry” he doesn’t listen, and seems a bit clueless IYSWIM.

About the poos cheering, DD sometimes suffers from trapped wind and has quite a difficult time trying to get the wind and poo out (esp in the mornings)-sometimes she cries and grimaces. I try to mass age her tummy, bicycle her legs, comfort her so she doesn’t have bad associations with it, and it seems to work, she smiles whilst she’s pushing out the poo now. DH just says oh, ew, that’s really vile DD -not mean spirited but not soft either-and she continues on crying. I reckons when she’s bigger she might find it funny but now it just doesn’t seem to help.

I reckon we will never have exactly the same way of doing things so this is just the beginning of learning to step back and let him be Ddad to her As he wants. There is no question that he adores her but it hurts to see her prefer me and watch him bumble about and they both get more upset. I can see he wants her to depend on him and want his comfort as much as she wants mine.

I’m quite looking forward to when OP’s baby is a stinky teenager and she’s trying to get her to shower. “DD, have a shower - you smell” OP’s DD smiles proudly....

And therein lies the paradox OP - had the same problem with my DH. He wanted to be good with her but didn't want.t to have to learn how. Resented being "taught" by me as he thought he ought to just know. And that I think is because of the strong societal message that dads should "step up" to parenting a newborn and mums should have "time to be themselves" - the self presumably that didn't choose to be a mum . Fine if that's what both want, difficult when it involves working against what feels right for everyone. Same as when it was the other way around and hands on dad's were told to keep away from the "women's work" and women who had no maternal instinct had babies anyway because "that's what women do" and were miserable.

I just had to let my DP get on with it in the end, for the sake of our relationship - broke my heart bearing DD scream when he tried to settle her to sleep. But she adapted well quite quickly and it hasn't hurt my bond with her and has improved his. A lot on this thread seem to have very quiescent husbands, so ready to take advice!! My DP hates to be bad at anything which makes him a bloody awful learner - feel your pain!

OP, I will oyld have written this when our DD was 4 months. Sadly it did develop into DD preferring me and that's only started to wear off now she's 3. DH felt over criticised by me, and wouldn't do anything to change his behaviour. I think I was precious about a few things but his general demeanour with her was pretty clumsy. Unfortunately I have no advice for you but loads of sympathy.

Thank you thegoodthere and namestheyareachangin, yes, reckon it is a bit of a paradox, don’t want to be too critical to run him off and want him to find his way but also he hasn’t got the best intuitions and seems to be making things worse, worried if DD continues to have a preference for me he will give up altogether. hope we will oth find out way as we go along.

Hi Op,

Most of this stuff is just mismatched styles of parenting & your DH not knowing your daughters cues as well as you do yet (presumably because you’re on mat leave with her)

You could try telling him ‘I noticed the other day that when she does XXX it seems to consistently mean she’s hungry/tired’ etc

The only thing that is slightly odd is pulling a blank / angry face when she’s smiling, that’s weird & not nice for babies who are learning communication norms.
There was a study a few decades ago about the upset caused to babies & the impact on their brain development, when their significant adult kept a straight face in response to their smiling / cooing
The study was so controversial they wouldn’t repeat it today because of the ethics involved
I’d be explaining an appropriate response in this instance (bear in mind he probably just thinks he’s teaching her new expressions or something!)

Try to relax a little & enjoy your baby

OP you both sound pretty normal. I get wound up by tiny things DH does with DS. It has led to rows. No advice but I sympathise. We are with them all day - its pretty intense!

- if she’s having a poo he says it’s gross. I encourage her and smile so she doesn’t have negative associations with poos or her body

🤣🤣🤣

Things poo thing made me giggle sorry, OP

Stop describing him as "bumbling" and thinking that you've got better intuition and it'll be a start.

She prefers you as she can smell the milk. He's not a bad parent for not cheerleading her shits.

The fact is you are just more anxious that him about getting it all right. This is normal but you need to let him get on with it and stop creating this divide.

*the poo thing

Stop describing him as "bumbling" and thinking that you've got better intuition and it'll be a start.

Yeah because women are never better at anything, ever. That would be sexist.

Basically you are primary caregiver and you should look after baby (if poss) almost solely for the first year. That is research based

Would like to see the research for this.

OP, just want to say fair play for taking all the replies so well. It’s not often a poster gets told they are BU and just agrees!
Also - totally understand the PFB thing! I spent a lot of time stressing that everything I did would negatively impact on DS... then I read about ‘good enough’ parenting. It’s better to make mistakes and correct them. Makes the bond stronger.

Where did I say that Robot? Chip on shoulder much?

I'm sure OP is better at loads of things but her tone is a bit patronising. It's things like this that can be the starting point for relationship issues.

No need to describe him as "bumbling". It suggests he's an idiot

DD sometimes suffers from trapped wind and has quite a difficult time trying to get the wind and poo out (esp in the mornings)-sometimes she cries and grimaces. I try to mass age her tummy, bicycle her legs, comfort her so she doesn’t have bad associations with it, and it seems to work, she smiles whilst she’s pushing out the poo now

Sorry, but that's just what all babies are like. Their digestive systems are immature, they all grunt and strain and cry when they have trapped wind, they all sort it out by themselves as their systems mature in the first 12 weeks. You are not going to give her lifelong positive or negative associations by the faces you make at her while she works it out for herself. I mean this kindly but you're way overthinking things and ascribing too much importance to yourself. By all means bicycle legs and wind her thoroughly, that will help, but there's no need to go over the top and overthink every interaction.

You spend a huge amount more time with your DD than your DH if he's now back at work full-time and you also have the huge natural advantage of having milk dispensing boobs. Please try and put things in perspective and stop being brokenhearted about the natural and obvious fact that you have much, much more opportunity to learn on the job of parenting than your DH. Of course she prefers you, that is neither a tragedy nor evidence of your DH's ineptitude, it's what happens when one parent is on SPL and has milk dispensing breasts and one doesn't. It will even itself out in time, but for now what you need to do is get out of his way and let him have HIS learning on the job time. Mothers who never let their DHs learn by always hovering and going "you're doing it wrong, let me" end up 1) resentful about doing everything 2) with pissed-off DHs who never get the chance to learn the way we all learn best. If he loves and cares for her he will truly want to adapt to get it right. And he starts by getting it wrong. Like all learners.

Basically you are primary caregiver and you should look after baby (if poss) almost solely for the first year. That is research based

This is a misunderstanding of the research on attachment. Babies should have a consistent primary caregiver if possible in the first year of life. That just means that they shouldn't be passed from parcel to post i.e. somebody looks after them FT for a month then disappears, then somebody else has them for a month then disappears etc. Babies absolutely benefit from having more than one loving relationship, and a mother who goes back to work at 6 weeks pp (as many have to do elsewhere) is still her baby's primary attachment figure even when baby is in full-time childcare. In this situation the baby's attachment to mum is not in question. It's harmful, not hurtful, to block her from also bonding with her dad.

Older adopted children do sometimes need more intensive 1 to 1 only care with no other person taking a significant role in meeting their needs. This is because they've suffered significant attachment trauma over the years and need to learn the difference between a trusted carer and other adults (roughly speaking, I know this is a very crude description for those who know about adoption & attachment). This is not relevant to the OP's situation.

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong, none of his actions are particularly sinister. You’re micromanaging him and it won’t end well. Step back a little and allow him to learn how to parent otherwise you’re at risk of becoming a martyr.