To worry about how DH cares for our newborn?

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NC for this...love DH and we’ve just had our first DC. DH obviously loves her too. But it seems he just doesn’t know how to act with babies and I find it difficult, now it even seems DD (4 mos) has a preference for me, which I suspect makes DH feel a bit rubbish.

Examples:

• DD wakes from a nap crying. DH says “shush shush shush” as if he’s annoyed with her, almost scolding if that makes sense. (I would walk over and gently say her name, etc)
• DD loves to smile and coo, but he thinks it’s funny to go in her face and just make a solid stone face or make a scary noise, she doesn’t generally react well, ether stares and seems confused or will fuss a bit if he says “boo”. (I will just smile and coo and laugh with her, if she cries or may be pulls my hair I will say oh you feel sad or ouch that hurts mummy, but try to make my communication more clear with her if that makes sense)
• If she cries he will just rock her and shush her even if she is getting louder and more upset (I will try something else to see if I can help the crying)
• if she’s having a poo he says it’s gross. I encourage her and smile so she doesn’t have negative associations with poos or her body
• she’s been up for a couple hours and is starting to show signs of being tired (small tired cry, rubbing eyes) and he’ll start bouncing around with her and getting her more alert (I will say alright, you’re tired and start speaking more softly, stop playing, etc)
• she will wake up for the day and he will pick her up and start singing loud songs in her face (Children’s songs like ity but spider) and she’s still bleary eyed from the night, seems overwhelmed by him/singing. Then she yawns and he says oh she’s tired, and starts rocking and shushing her trying to get her back to sleep - of course ten she cries and is difficult to settle so I have to get her sorted

This is our first DC so I’m not sure if I’m being precious. I’ve had a bit of experience with babies but DH hasn’t had any and obviously I’m not an expert but I don’t know if the way he interacts is normal for FTDs.

Also - my DH does over the top gagging noises when he changes a dirty nappy, it cracks me up every time & now our DS giggles hysterically too. I hadn't considered it might give him poo issues!

All children grow up obsessed with talking about their bowl movements it’ll be all good.

Is there a stay and play session at a children's centre near you? Would be good if he saw how other parents interact with babies. I bet he is defensive if you say anything, however gentle.

I think you’re getting a hard time OP.

Perhaps he’s not as in tune with her as you are, which is why you feel like he’s “doing it wrong” (like persevering with rocking and shushing whereas you’d try something different). That isn’t so bad, but I understand why it bothers you. I don’t like hearing my babies cry and would have to resist the urge to swoop in and calm them.

The disgust over poo is immature. So is the making mean faces or “scary” noises.

I think perhaps he hasn’t hit his stride with fatherhood yet. Give it time. Does he show love towards the baby?

Ploppymoodypants: thank you, yes that’s it exactly. Quite sleep deprived at the mo of course, so sure that doesn’t help. Definitely trying to hold my tongue as much but do feel I want to rescue her soemtmes.

I’m beginning to be concerned now as she shows a preference for me (want me when she cries) and I feel a bit sad for DH, wonder if it might be how he interacts with her that does this.

Is it really so odd about the poos?

Yes. Very

I don't think it'll do any harm to have different parenting styles. My DH is definitely more 'in your face' than I am but DD loves us both equally, different styles notwithstanding. I think as long as the baby's not being harmed you have to step back and help him find his own parenting style. It sounds like you both love her very much.

No, her preference for you is just a stage. At some point she'll be screaming that she wants daddy and not you, too. They all do it. Is she breastfed? That often leads to a clear preference around this age as well.

Her dad sounds like he's doing just fine. Let him learn his way, the same way you're learning as you go, too.

Yes he does love her and we very much wanted to have her. He was home from work this weekend and had a good time cuddling here and letting her nap on him. I reckon he has taken more time to find his stride. Stay and play is a Good suggestion, thank you.

I dont think I ever smiled and encouraged mine to poo. May have been heard saying you stinky hound have you pooed again (whilst laughing not angrily before anyone says thats awful)

Hi OP I totally get you. But you have to remember you are far more tuned in to baby than he is, and spend more time with her to learn her ways and cues. Babies are adaptable little things and while your way might suit her better, his won't do any harm. It's a real shame he won't take your feedback on board; yes he's equally her parent but he's not equally parenting her if he's at work. He should recognise he fact you do, categorically, know better than him what works and what doesn't. But unless it's dangerous or really upsetting her, she will get used to it and will come to no harm. And I know from personal experience getting all over him for everything he says/does with the baby will wreck how relationship with her and yours with him.

Yes she is EBF. Thank you for the replies, I reckon I have been a bit precious, didn’t want to say anything to DH unless it seemed I wasn’t being overprotective mum to our PFB

Top tip. Stop with the poo-related psychobabble !

I wouldn't worry about her preference for you. Our dd slipped back and forth between DH and I every couple of months. If you're on Mat leave she'll be more used to you too.

It's difficult but you've got different styles. You think yours is the only way. It may not be. Give him some space to parent in his own way.

It's quite normal for her to have a preference for you if you do most of her care. He'll be a better father if he's not constantly being picked apart. It is fine for his parenting style to be different to yours btw, so long as he looks after your dd well (and nothing youve posted suggests otherwise).
PS you'll want her to have a negative association w her poo after the first time she's dug around in her nappy and smeared it everywhere.

In the gentlest way possible OP, you're probably making him nervous. What you've written here sounds really judgey of him, you obviously don't mean to, but that's how it comes across here. If I were you, I would say things like 'Oh Daddy loves us so much, Daddy is/does blah blah is such a great Daddy...' to DD when he's around the house and you are cuddling her to bring his confidence up with her.

Thank you Namestheyareachangin, yes that’s it exactly , feels a bit painful almost that I’m with her all day and most of the night and try to show him what I’ve learned but he essentially dismisses it by insisting on his ways...but I do need to let him find his own way or I reckon he will give up altogeyher.

He needs to learn himself rather than you teaching him. You will have different styles and that’s ok.

PS my daughter showed a marked preference for me almost immediately. I indulged it, snatched her away from OH every time she cried etc. Result? The world's clingiest child until l about 1.5 years. Daddy couldn't get a look in and I couldn't get a break. Daddy gave up trying with her as I was always taking over. Lots of hard work for me!

Try and take a step back... It's so hard though when our every instinct screams to swoop in!

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I have tried saying “she seems tired maybe time for a cuddle and sleep” but he takes offense and thinks I’m telling him how to do everything (But I keep quiet, don’t say these things to him.) Is it possible we are just incompatible parents or is this common for new mum and dad?'

This couldn't be more normal. It takes time to learn how to parent on your own, and even longer to learn how to parent well as a partnership. My DH was exactly the same but I was really precious and after a few arguments I realised that DH was a parent to DS as much as I am, and he realised that it's not admitting otherwise to ask what to do now and then as I'm with DS more and know him better.

It seems fairly common for men to come into their own as parents when the children are around 1. Give it a year or two and all those daft things that have your teeth on edge now will be the things that make your DD squeal with laughter.

You're being a bit precious, he's lacking a bit in empathy - but he doesn't sound like he's doing anything unsafe. You do just have to back off a bit and let him find his own way.

Saying that, even by our 3rd baby it would drive me mad when DH would comfort her all wrong I'd keep quiet until I couldn't stand it then snap "she likes the other song/hold her upright/rub her back the other way" or whatever it was.

Thank you Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld that is a v good suggestion.

Just to be clear, I’ve not said these things to DH, just things I have noticed that make me a bit , only since she has stated crying when he picks her up (and calms when she comes to me) I have grown more worried. I have probably shown this non verbally of course but I’m not such a cow that I’m contaantly picking him apart.

Oh please don’t be hard on yourself! It sounds like you are very attuned with your baby, and that doesn’t come naturally to everyone.
Your partner does seem a bit clueless and YANBU to be frustrated. I would find it tough to when it feels like it’s making things harder for you and the baby eg overstimulating a tired baby. But it sounds like he loves his daughter so hopefully with time and gentle support and encouragement he’ll be fine. Good luck!

Sounds like your DD is lucky to have two parents trying really hard to make her happy.

It's easier said than done when you're on leave and if breastfeeding, but can you put him in charge of something on the weekends or the evenings? With our first my DH used to come home and do bath time at least a few times a week (sometimes even hopping in the bath together!), and it helped make him the 'expert'. Or when it's time that I want to stop breastfeeding to sleep at bed and feed then put to sleep in the cot, my DH would be in charge - less of a feed association and it gave him a big job and me some freedom. He watched 'sleep whisperer' YouTube clips and took it very seriously, and it really helped.
Good luck!

It's totally normal for your baby to have a preference for you at this age, especially if you're breastfeeding. You are familiar to her, she's not as familiar with her father just yet.

You're not incompatible parents, you're sleep deprived and he's not picking up her cues as quickly, which again is totally normal. Your daughter won't be damaged by this, grit your teeth and let him get in with it. The more time he spends with her without you passing comment, the quicker he will pick these things up for himself. Just keep doing what you do and with time he will get there.