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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about how DH cares for our newborn?

126 replies

Proseccoplease19 · 17/03/2019 21:08

NC for this...love DH and we’ve just had our first DC. DH obviously loves her too. But it seems he just doesn’t know how to act with babies and I find it difficult, now it even seems DD (4 mos) has a preference for me, which I suspect makes DH feel a bit rubbish.

Examples:

  • DD wakes from a nap crying. DH says “shush shush shush” as if he’s annoyed with her, almost scolding if that makes sense. (I would walk over and gently say her name, etc)
  • DD loves to smile and coo, but he thinks it’s funny to go in her face and just make a solid stone face or make a scary noise, she doesn’t generally react well, ether stares and seems confused or will fuss a bit if he says “boo”. (I will just smile and coo and laugh with her, if she cries or may be pulls my hair I will say oh you feel sad or ouch that hurts mummy, but try to make my communication more clear with her if that makes sense)
  • If she cries he will just rock her and shush her even if she is getting louder and more upset (I will try something else to see if I can help the crying)
  • if she’s having a poo he says it’s gross. I encourage her and smile so she doesn’t have negative associations with poos or her body
  • she’s been up for a couple hours and is starting to show signs of being tired (small tired cry, rubbing eyes) and he’ll start bouncing around with her and getting her more alert (I will say alright, you’re tired and start speaking more softly, stop playing, etc)
  • she will wake up for the day and he will pick her up and start singing loud songs in her face (Children’s songs like ity but spider) and she’s still bleary eyed from the night, seems overwhelmed by him/singing. Then she yawns and he says oh she’s tired, and starts rocking and shushing her trying to get her back to sleep - of course ten she cries and is difficult to settle so I have to get her sorted

This is our first DC so I’m not sure if I’m being precious. I’ve had a bit of experience with babies but DH hasn’t had any and obviously I’m not an expert but I don’t know if the way he interacts is normal for FTDs.

OP posts:
FenellaMaxwell · 17/03/2019 21:39

You are being a bit bonkers PFB, and you will definitely cringe if you read this back in a few years. Grin. It’s absolutely normal for babies to show a preference for their mothers. Even if the dad was really smiley and encouraging about their poos. Just dial it back a bit and let him find his feet. Also, you may want to start preparing yourself for when they get to 2 or 3, and suddenly it’s all about daddy and you aren’t their favourite anymore! It all balances out.

Original poster
Proseccoplease19 · 17/03/2019 21:40

Yes the instinct is strong, when she cries louder and louder I literally feel it in my bones !

Happy to hear this is normal and should improve in the next year or so Smile

OP posts:
Worsethingshappen · 17/03/2019 21:41

But I wouldn’t let my baby suffer/become distressed whilst my partner was obviously causing or worsening the unsettled-ness. Baby’s immediate needs would be my top priority.

FrozenMargarita17 · 17/03/2019 21:41

This is the time where everything your dh does is annoying as well, I remember being SO IRRITATED at how dh shh'ed dd. He would say 'I'll get her in the night', except I would be listening to his irritating 'shh shh shh' It would make me grind my teeth.

Things will get better

Rainbowsandsnowdrops · 17/03/2019 21:41

I think it’s hard because when you’re a Mum you always feel like you know what’s best and things comes more naturally. I know I do and I used to correct DH a lot and still often do.

I have learned to chill out and let him do it his own way. Babies don’t come with a manual and the positive thing about having two parents is getting a different perspective. It’s hard but you have to let the little things go. Smile

Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld · 17/03/2019 21:41

Oh sorry I didn't express my post well, OP I didn't think you'd said those things to him, just meant he may find it difficult to try with DD, when you seem so nattural and can attend to her so instinctively, IYSWIM? Smile

Original poster
Proseccoplease19 · 17/03/2019 21:42

I am happy for her to prefer daddy, I feel a bit sad when he tried to comfort her and she only wants me...I suppose I think this might be better if he were a bit gentler with her but o can’t really say that without being too much of a micromanager Confused

OP posts:
Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 17/03/2019 21:42

You're being quite ott. He need to establish his own relationship awith her and ways of handling her cues and moods.

Belleende · 17/03/2019 21:42

YABU and a bit nuts. You will have years of real problems to deal with, so don't waste energy manufacturing them now.

vgiraffe · 17/03/2019 21:42

I think it's hard for dads, especially if you ebf. It took my DH quite a while to properly bond with DD and certainly part of that was that he didn't pick up on her cues like I did. But of course I was with her all the time whereas he was working. He also didn't like it if I told him what to do because of course, she was his daughter too and I don't think he wanted to feel like I knew it all and he didn't have a clue! Letting him figure it out himself definitely worked best, as difficult as it is! He'll figure it out soon enough and if you let go a little bit then you may find that in some circumstances, he finds his own way that works better than your way too! It's a tough time for everyone but you'll all get there!

EstrellaDamn · 17/03/2019 21:43

You're not going to give her negative feelings about shitting Grin

He doesn't have to parent like you to be a good parent.

Bless you love. Loads of us have felt the same when our babies have been tiny. But I read a phrase on here years ago that helped me stop jumping in to criticise: you have to let your husband find his own way with her.

Anything else and you're 'correcting' the relationship they'll naturally form, and that's not fair. The mother isn't the arbiter of correct parenting.

Original poster
Proseccoplease19 · 17/03/2019 21:43

Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld Ah yes thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Proseccoplease19 · 17/03/2019 21:44

This is brilliant advice, thank you all lakdes.

OP posts:
burblife · 17/03/2019 21:46

Our DC goes through phases of being clingy with one or other of us so it could just be that she's strengthening her bond with you at this point.

Try to be careful not to micro manage. I know it's tempting but you will push DH further away and it will become a downward spiral. When I got frustrated I found it easier to go out or at least to another part of the house so I wasn't interfering. You probably have a lot more alone time with DC than he does. Maybe he needs some space to figure it out? For what it's worth, my DH is great with our two year old now!

Middlrm · 17/03/2019 21:51

Prossecoplay19

I have my first child a little boy who is also just 4 months, I do totally get what you are saying me and my husband also have a different stance on what he wants or needs and it’s so hard to take a back seat

In reality I know my husband is an amazing dad and he does an amazing job but he doesn’t pick things up the same time as me / or deal with something a different way and it sets me on edge I have to really be quiet.

Sometimes I have found he teaches me a better way of doing things but taking a back step.

I do know a lot of it is me being a worried first time mum and my wonderful husband is a worried first time dad and we just react differently as we are too different people just need to iron it out before the kid realises because daddy is a soft touch 😂😂

NewAccount270219 · 17/03/2019 21:51

It's worth noting that, actually, the same stuff might not work for both of you anyway. For instance, DS went through a stage where DH could rock him to sleep but I couldn't (I assume because me rocking him made him want to breastfeed since he was being held right by my chest; with DH he seemed to accept there were no boobs so he'd take being rocked!). Now he's a bit older there are some songs that make him grin only if I sing them, but he loves DH throwing him around a bit in a way I've never been able to recreate. So actually if he did do everything just like you do and just as you tell him to it still might not be 'right'; there's no shortcut to you both finding your own ways and forging your own relationship with her.

Ginghampanther · 17/03/2019 21:51

I don’t think the poo thing is so strange, I think it’s a really good point. Maybe not at such a young age, I’m sure it doesn’t really matter now, but as she gets a little older I think it’s really important to know that poos are not horrible! So why not start that right now as you’re doing.

My youngest, still in nappies, gets very upset when he’s done a poo saying ‘I stink!’ and now I do reassure him that poos are good things!

onthenaughtystepagain · 17/03/2019 21:52

He does sound like he's less in tune with DD than you are

Why is her approach deemed better? Merely because she's female? Many of the patronising attitudes one reads on this site are probably the reason that young fathers don't try to get involved.

CountessVonBoobs · 17/03/2019 21:52

Of course she prefers you, babies of this age who spend most of their time with mum always prefer her, especially if they're EBF. Dads develop their own bond.

And you need to let him do that. Like PPs said, one day you will look back at this thread and cringe-laugh about how PFB you are being (especially the poo thing, that's proper bonkers, I snorted out loud 😁).

He isn't hurting her, he loves her, he cares. He needs to figure his own relationship out with her, hands on. She doesn't belong to you; the relationship between her and her dad is just that, between the two of them.

NewAccount270219 · 17/03/2019 21:54

Also, I've now been on both sides of this, because DH and I are doing shared parental leave so first I was at home but now he is - and it's really tough being told that you're doing it wrong because you're not there enough to know what 'right' is. Much tougher than I would have thought. I blinked back tears the first time DH impatiently said 'no, he doesn't need a nap, it's bottle time not sleep time!'

KindergartenKop · 17/03/2019 21:57

I think sometimes you need to just let him parent as he sees fit, you cannot micromanage him.

My DH gives my 6yo chewing gum. It pisses me right off but who am I to dictate what he does with his own kid?

Your thing about poo is OTT though.

MRex · 17/03/2019 22:05

I write down DS's rough schedule when it changes and talk DH through it, e.g. Try to get back to sleep if before 7, feed to sleep after 1h 30 etc. It helps him know what to expect and anticipate what to do. Shared nap / bedtime routine with "quiet time / gentle songs" can help here too, but DH always got that. My DH picked up his own techniques though, you have to let him be a dad to do well.

3in4years · 17/03/2019 22:10

You are two different people who act in two different ways. It's fine.

category12 · 17/03/2019 22:10

The disgust response to poo is normal and good and there for a reason.

HumphreyCobblers · 17/03/2019 22:11

With the poo thing, is he acting really disgusted? Because if he is, that is a bit strange. All the above posters saying they tell their child they are stinky - I expect you are doing so in a pleasant manner. If the DP in question is saying 'Christ you bloody stink' in a cross voice (or something like that), then I WOULD think that was not a good way to speak to a baby.