To worry about how DH cares for our newborn?

[Proseccoplease19]

NC for this...love DH and we’ve just had our first DC. DH obviously loves her too. But it seems he just doesn’t know how to act with babies and I find it difficult, now it even seems DD (4 mos) has a preference for me, which I suspect makes DH feel a bit rubbish.

Examples:

• DD wakes from a nap crying. DH says “shush shush shush” as if he’s annoyed with her, almost scolding if that makes sense. (I would walk over and gently say her name, etc)
• DD loves to smile and coo, but he thinks it’s funny to go in her face and just make a solid stone face or make a scary noise, she doesn’t generally react well, ether stares and seems confused or will fuss a bit if he says “boo”. (I will just smile and coo and laugh with her, if she cries or may be pulls my hair I will say oh you feel sad or ouch that hurts mummy, but try to make my communication more clear with her if that makes sense)
• If she cries he will just rock her and shush her even if she is getting louder and more upset (I will try something else to see if I can help the crying)
• if she’s having a poo he says it’s gross. I encourage her and smile so she doesn’t have negative associations with poos or her body
• she’s been up for a couple hours and is starting to show signs of being tired (small tired cry, rubbing eyes) and he’ll start bouncing around with her and getting her more alert (I will say alright, you’re tired and start speaking more softly, stop playing, etc)
• she will wake up for the day and he will pick her up and start singing loud songs in her face (Children’s songs like ity but spider) and she’s still bleary eyed from the night, seems overwhelmed by him/singing. Then she yawns and he says oh she’s tired, and starts rocking and shushing her trying to get her back to sleep - of course ten she cries and is difficult to settle so I have to get her sorted

This is our first DC so I’m not sure if I’m being precious. I’ve had a bit of experience with babies but DH hasn’t had any and obviously I’m not an expert but I don’t know if the way he interacts is normal for FTDs.

Of course she prefers you, you’re her primary carer and her food source. Feeding=comfort. Give him a chance, he has a different style.

You will be the favourite probably for a long time.
I agree with you. He sounds like he's absolutely clueless. My partner was saying some dumb stuff when we had my ds and it was very difficult to change the behaviour. Even had the MIL telling him and he still thought he was right.

Basically you are primary caregiver and you should look after baby (if poss) almost solely for the first year. That is research based.

What you say should be law.

My suggestion is to get a book about babies (I have some but can't think off he too of my head) or Janet Lansbury website, dr sears, find some information and then talk about the articles with him to kind of guide him to your way of thinking.

Shhh to a baby is actually good.
My partner did it (almost identical behaviour) and I said it was wrong and then we found some research about it and it said it was soothing to shh to a baby as it's like white noise

I understand what you're getting at op, and it would bother me too. He doesn't seem go be very attuned to her. He needs to stop and think before doing something.

Breathe deeply and relax, my lovely. It's ok.

Most new fathers struggle to get in tune with tiny babies - it's not their biological role, it's rarely their social role. t's not a failing of them, it's the way society is structured.
He'll get the hang of it, don't worry. You are very in tune with your baby's needs. He isn't. It's OK to want him to be at your level but it's also OK for him to be a million miles away just now.
What they need from us changes over time. Currently the baby needs and wants you. Your partner is an adjunct. Later on, your child will relate to you differently.
One day s/he will reject you as the crap parent and adore the mighty dad. (It's a lowering moment.)
Don't fret. You're both doing fine.

I got the same advice re poo at one of the baby groups I went to, I don't think it's worth worrying too much about though. If he thinks 4 month old, ebf poos are disgusting wait till she moves onto solids.

But the trying to scare her thing is a bit odd
Maybe when she reacts badly you could just say 'she doesn't seem to like that one does she?' The keeping her awake thing isn't great either. But I think if you're the one on maternity leave etc. you don't always realise how attuned you become to your baby. The other person needs longer to catch up.

Its hard at 4 months, as a pp said little sleep and the pressure of the pfb mean that you end up driving each other nuts. I'd say pick your battles, but do say if something really bothers you. If you bottle it up you end up kicking off an argument over something really small.

Ok.... don't bite my head off please BUT I have the same problems with my DH (we now have DD6 and DS22 mnth), he just doesn't 'get it', he doesn't read body language at the best of times let a lone from a tiny baby, I feel that Mum's just have more natural ability to see these things than Dad's, you just need to look at the animal world to see natural instinct in play, like it or not there are differences between sexes that come from biology.

That doesn't mean he can't learn, I am sure he will (personally I can't keep my mouth shut and tell DH when I see a 'problem' as it stresses me out too much to watch him be too rough/not try something else to settle DC etc) but when you learn something rather than it come instinctually it is always going to be harder to get right.

I suggest that you talk to him nicely about the things that bother you and offer him things that you have found that work, he may well be glad that you have given him the advice when he hadn't thought of it yet.

Truly, if a baby settles for their primary caregiver more than anybody else it doesn’t mean they don’t love other people...she can smell milk and warmth and safety on you...they go through stages where they prefer one then the other. Just wait till she refuses to give you a kiss as a toddler and runs to her Daddy for a cuddle instead - it will break your heart but it’s a good thing really. Everybody has different ways of cuddling/singing/bathing children...just because they are different doesn’t mean they are wrong. You can offer your opinion as the primary caregiver, and you’ll often be right, but they need to build their relationship and you also have to think about practicalities...eg if you always do bedtime what would happen if you were ill/hospitalised, she’d be upset and anxious...so make sure she’s comfortable with you both doing it, even if he does do it slightly differently to you!
Also, remember to talk...if you find that actually him saying her poo is gross really does grate on your nerves, talk to him. My husband has more of a toilet/puerile humour than I do, he understands why I don’t think it always appropriate as we talk about things. And I sometimes accept I’m a pedantic worrier, because we talk. Good luck.

My DD is 11 weeks old and when DP goes to change her nappy and it’s a bad one he shouts fucking hell! She just laughs and kicks her legs as fast as she can to make the change as difficult as possible for him.

I encourage her and smile so she doesn’t have negative associations with poos or her body Sorry but that made me snort!

This made me lol way too much!! Chill out op.. you will only put him off if you keep telling him he does everything wrong!

I encourage her and smile so she doesn’t have negative associations with poos or her body

I spat my tea out over this.... You need to discuss this a bit more! I don't know where to begin with this really so I won't, I'll just end with please stop this, there is no need and it's just very strange behaviour.

Good luck though with everything else

'as she gets a little older I think it’s really important to know that poos are not horrible'

They are horrible

I mostly agree with pp that you are being a little precious, and he needs to learn for himself. I found tracking the baby a bit (with an app in my case but it could just be time) helps because I can say "she might be tired as it's been x amount of time" or whatever and it's not about me knowing best, it's just information. Also, leaving him to it when his soothing doesn't work - he should try other things in desperation if nothing else when she won't stop crying. Isnt that how we all learn what works for the first time anyway? The poo thing you should let go of!

The only thing I would be concerned about is him stonewalling her when she is trying to communicate. Some research suggests that babies find that really upsetting (as you are seeing) and it is bad for speech and language development. I would speak to him about that.

Oh and negative associations with her body at 4 months.... 🤔
This will happen when they become older in school, social media, peer pressure, magazines, Google...... That is the time to really worry 😞 and you won't need to sit and encourage her to poo whilst cooing either

You sound like you're having an imaginary "who's the best parent to our DD" competition. You obviously think you're winning too. 🙄

Almost all babies prefer their Mums when they're small for what should br obvious reasons not your weird ones.

She doesn't prefer you because of the way he treats her, she prefers you because you are her primary care giver and her source of food. She is more used to your smell. When as he is older she will love the way he is interacting with her, but for now she wants mummies milk smell for comfort. Both me and my DH have one through periods of being the preferred parent with my DD. When she was a baby she wanted me, when she was a toddler she wanted my DH, now she is 4, it depends which parents is with her, as she always wants the one who isn't there.
Maybe tell him that his ways will be great when she is a bit older, but she is still very small and maybe this would be better right now. That way you aren't micro managing him or putting his parenting down, just that it isn't what she needs right now.

I keep picturing op grinning manically after the baby has done an up the back mustard shit and saying, "everything is wonderful, what a beautiful job you have done here, clever girl!"

You're being a bit precious. Sometimes if DH can't get DS to settle he'll say to me I don't know what's wrong, I'll say I think he has wind or try bouncing him or I think he just wants to play or he gets a bit overstimulated sometimes (after ten minutes of waving various toys in his face), but I don't tell him what time do and let him try his easy and ask if he needs to. DH thinks it's some kind of telepathy and that it's amazing I can differentiate been the random baby noises (DS sometimes sounds like an ewok or a dinosaur shrieking) but it's only because I'm on mat leave and spend all day every day with him and DH has to go to work. He sounds like he's trying and you've had a lot more contact hours than he has to learn, be patient and supportive.

Oh btw ds shat all over his dungarees, the changing table, rocking chair and floor today (poosplosion during a nappy change) I told him he is gross, he thought it was hilarious.

You can also try talking to the baby, rather than telling him 'oh that's a big yawn, is someone very sleepy?' hint hint

The poo thing did make me snigger.

just because they are different doesn’t mean they are wrong

Except his approach unsettles the baby and makes everything more difficult. The OP suits actually know better because she's the primary caregiver, so DH should try to learn from her. Also agree about the poo thing. I think it's a bit silly for an adult to act all disgusted about nappies, and when DD gets older she will pick up the message that bodily functions are "bad". This doesn't help with toilet training at all.

The main thing to remember is that biologically we are mammals, nearly apes. Look at how they parent. The mums have exclusive responsibility for infants, dad's do not get involved. I'm not saying that's better, or that we should live like apes necessarily, but that is why op feels like she does - her instinct is to be with her baby, all the time, looking after her needs without interference. We have a different society and different expectations, where dad's should be hands on and mum's should have time for themselves. Actually a good idea a lot of the time. But it is a mere garnish evolutionarily speaking on a millenia-old salad of instinctual responses and so it will provoke these difficult feelings - the men often feel out of step and mystified by the baby and guilty about that feeling; the women feel overprotective and undermined and anxious by the dad's involvement. All totally normal and to be expected. And different families find what works for them. The one thing I would say is try to have honest conversations where the garnish is left at the door and you talk about what you both really want. People were endlessly on about "giving me a break" when baby was tiny, meaning taking her off me basically. I wanted to bite them. She was MINE, in my bones it felt that way, even though I was so tired I felt dead I needed to be with her all the time. But society said I should want "time to be me" so I felt guilty and greedy and boring. Same with my OH - society told him he ought to be hands on and "equal" parenting, when actually he found the whole small baby thing very tricky and a bit dull. So we fell out about doing something neither of us really wanted to do, at least for the first 6 months.

Talk and listen to yourselves and each other and your baby and totally forget about should (within the bounds of safety obvs). This is a good rule throughout imo with a now two year old. Wish I'd done it myself more often!

Also I think people are being properly mean and spiteful to the OP. Don't any of you remember this bit??? Where you're reborn and hormonal and have read googled- tons of research that suggests any tiny thing you do will impact your little ones wellbeing in fundamental ways for the rest of their life? Cheerleading poos is far from the most ridiculous thing I did as s new parent for sure. Don't be so catty and condescending.

@Namestheyareachangin you can’t tell us you did things more ridiculous than poo cheerleading then not tell us what they are!