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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with my OH

94 replies

Ella1980 · 17/03/2019 11:17

Long story short, I've not been well and am currently not in work. Plan is now that things have settled I'll be back to full time very soon.
The problem is my OH. Because he's currently working and I'm not he seems to think that all of the housework is my responsibly. He never washes up or does any cleaning. He has stopped doing any laundry. He never vacuums or changes a bed. He is responsible for the dog walks but that is literally it.
When I asked him to change the bin rhe other day he huffed and puffed for ages.
I just feel worn out because I literally never get a break from the drudgery of housework.
AIBU to expect him to do something? Anything at all?

OP posts:
Home77 · 17/03/2019 11:47

I have this too. I've two DC and been medically retired from my career due to health, get PIP / ESA. and he assumes it is fair as he is working I do all that stuff. I find it annoying also. Especially as the PIP assessment picked up how much I can struggle with it. A lot of it just doesn't get done to be honest.

Home77 · 17/03/2019 11:48

Was it different when you were working?

Original poster
Ella1980 · 17/03/2019 11:54

@Home77 I still did the majority but he definitely helped a lot more. I just don't get a break from it. We never go out together. Can't honestly remember the last time I wore any make-up!!!

OP posts:
smackbangwhollop · 17/03/2019 12:04

That's why I'm divorced. It got beyond a joke. I felt taken for granted and I too was working full time. I deserve someone who cares enough to want to share the load. Sadly I'm not into the old fashion valued of the wife looks after the husband the way his mum used to.... In other words, do everything for him so he remains lazy and incapable of doing anything for himself. No wonder men die on avarage 10 years earlier than women.

Home77 · 17/03/2019 12:05

Do you have young DC? Mine are older now and I get them to help a bit and just leave a lot of it. DH started crossly hoovering one weekend as a result! Depends how much you like it tidy etc but I found it easier not to nag and just leave it. But it is annoying and I feel the same! I find online shopping helps.

Chickenwing · 17/03/2019 12:07

When I wasn't working I did all the housework. It didn't seem fair for my partner to work 8 hours then come home and clean when I had all this free time to do it (housework certainly isn't a full time job) however if there is childcare too then it's different.

squashedgrape · 17/03/2019 12:09

Personally, if I didn't work and my other half did, I would take on the responsibility of the housework. As long as simple things like putting cup in the kitchen and putting washing in the basket were done, I would feel ok to do it all.
Spare time would at least feel spare then and you could spend time together.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 17/03/2019 12:17

I just feel we are no longer in an age where it is expected that the wife does all of the housework while the man does nothing. I absolutely am happy with doing the lion's share atm but surely I am not being unreasonable to expect him to do something at the weekends? All he does is watch TV and play on his tablet!

OP posts:
AloneLonelyLoner · 17/03/2019 12:18

If you don't have children I don't see how housework is a full-time job. If I were working full time but my partner was at home, with no kids, to be honest I'd expect them to be doing the housework. If it's taking all your time maybe you need to manage your time more effectively?

Original poster
Ella1980 · 17/03/2019 12:23

We have two boys-well, they're not his but mine biologically.

OP posts:
Moanymoaner123 · 17/03/2019 12:24

This is why I'm happier single. The contempt for women always comes out eventually even when they've hidden it well in the beginning. Although if you're not working you should be doing the majority of household tasks, that doesn't mean he can treat you like an unpaid skivvy, and as it's because of health issues he certainly shouldn't be moaning when you ask for help.

NoWordForFluffy · 17/03/2019 12:24

If you don't have children I don't see how housework is a full-time job. If I were working full time but my partner was at home, with no kids, to be honest I'd expect them to be doing the housework. If it's taking all your time maybe you need to manage your time more effectively?

I agree with this. What on earth goes on to create so much housework with two of you? When it was just us it was dead easy to get the place clean and it stay relatively ordered.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 17/03/2019 12:24

What about daily stuff like cooking and washing up?

OP posts:
luckylavender · 17/03/2019 12:26

But you're at home. Doesn't seem so unreasonable to me.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 17/03/2019 12:27

We have two boys-well they're mine biologically. They are both at school but I do the childcare for the rest of it.

OP posts:
squashedgrape · 17/03/2019 12:27

I would probably prep meals and mainly cook but would expect an offer of washing up- whether I'd take up the offer would be a different matter.
I think it's about respecting each other more than anything.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 17/03/2019 12:28

I disagree that because I'm at home I should do literally everything while he sits on his bum!!!

OP posts:
squashedgrape · 17/03/2019 12:28

But he's not sitting on his bum? He's working full time

NoWordForFluffy · 17/03/2019 12:33

Ah, cross post. How old are the boys?

My DH is a SAHD and he does the lion's share of the housework. He sees it as his contribution to the household. I do bits and bobs, but he has time as they're both at school. I did more at weekends when he had them at home than I do now.

NRPDad · 17/03/2019 12:36

You say you've been unwell. How long for and how serious? Has it been a struggle to do daily tasks?

How old are your boys? School age?

Trying to get some more context.

thedisorganisedmum · 17/03/2019 12:48

we are no longer in an age where it is expected that the wife does all of the housework while the man does nothing.

No, but I was working full time and my DH was at home all day, I would expect him to do the house stuff.
We share chores 50/50 when we both work full time. I would be less than impressed if I was expecting to do chores on top of work whilst my other half was home all day.

We are still civilised, we don't mess up the house on purpose and give a hand, but expecting people to work FT AND do housework is unreasonable.

thedisorganisedmum · 17/03/2019 12:48

I disagree that because I'm at home I should do literally everything while he sits on his bum!!!

but he's not home, he works full-time?

adaline · 17/03/2019 12:49

But he is contributing - he's working full-time, and presumably supporting your children out of his income as well.

If you're not at work then I do think you should be doing the vast majority of the housework, especially if your children are in school during the day.

Surely there isn't that much to do in the evenings? You have two school-age children and about 5-6 hours to yourself five days a week! Surely that's plenty of time to do the housework?

snowbear66 · 17/03/2019 12:49

I worked full time and my ex was at home with our 2 children, but he still expected me to do all the cleaning at home. Ask yourself if it was the other way around would he be doing all the household chores?

MortyVicar · 17/03/2019 12:54

surely I am not being unreasonable to expect him to do something at the weekends? All he does is watch TV and play on his tablet!

I think this is the underlying issue. If he worked during the week but then used the weekends (and maybe some time in the evenings) to stuff with all of you as a family, you probably wouldn't feel this way.

I'm with others in that it's not totally unreasonable for you to do the work in the house, the boys are out at school during the day, so if you are now well enough (major caveat) you could do most of it. However it's more about him checking out of family life and spending his time doing things purely for himself and not involving the rest of you.

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