To be fed up with my OH

[Ella1980]

Long story short, I've not been well and am currently not in work. Plan is now that things have settled I'll be back to full time very soon.
The problem is my OH. Because he's currently working and I'm not he seems to think that all of the housework is my responsibly. He never washes up or does any cleaning. He has stopped doing any laundry. He never vacuums or changes a bed. He is responsible for the dog walks but that is literally it.
When I asked him to change the bin rhe other day he huffed and puffed for ages.
I just feel worn out because I literally never get a break from the drudgery of housework.
AIBU to expect him to do something? Anything at all?

I don’t see why he should work full time and then come back and do housework?
My partner leaves at half 7am and home by 6pm, I then go to work for 2 hours while he has the kids. But I have dinner ready and wash up when I get home, housework is done while kids are at school.
I would never expect him to do a full day at work, and then do chores.
When I keep on top of housework it doesn’t take me long at all in the day

It's actually fairly debatable- if she's doing the lion's share and childcare on top, it's not ok for him to come home and do nothing while she's still grafting actually.

Leisure time should be fairly equal so it depends on the age of the kids, how well she's right now etc

OP how old are your DCs? I think it vastly depends on their age. If they are toddlers who basically need attention 24/7 then YANBU as this would mean you would never get a break. If they are teens then I’m afraid I think YABU as I agree with pp’s: regardless of gender,the person who isn’t working does the housework. I would be pretty pissed off if my DH was at home all day and expected me to cook when I got in from my FT job!

I think you're using the gender thing as an excuse to be honest. If one of you (male or female) works and the other doesn't, it seems fair the person at home does the housework the cooking. Unless you have a very young child or poor physical health, in which case you'd share or get help from family/cleaner.

It doesn't take long to do housework, washing up, laundry and cooking, under 2 hours a day if you keep on top of it. My DH and I both work full time, whoever is home first does the housework and gets dinner on, we try to keep on top of it during the week so weekends aren't spent cleaning! During the weekend we share childcare and chores.

Why don't you delegate jobs to your DH and get a takeaway/ready meals at the wkend to save washing up and cooking?

I've had a word and he has admitted he's being a bit lazy. I'm definitely not immaculate as far as the house goes but I don't like it very messy or dirty. He says he's got into bad habits as basically the ladies fron his past relationships haven't placed any value on housework eg they didn't really bother. Again, I'm not saying he should do lots at all, just a tiny weeny bit. Like changing a bin or mowing a lawn every now and again.

"If it's taking all your time maybe you need to manage your time more effectively?"

OP said she was ill.

@CheshireChat That's exactly how I feel. When the boys are home I don't sit down until 9ish sorting everything out after dinner but he sits on the tablet from after dinner until about 10pm.

There is time in the day though? Could you have a rest in the afternoon that's what I do - also get boys their dinner say by 6pm so not busy all evening? It's just organising it can help a bit

There's quite a lot of handmaidens on Mumsnet. YANBU to expect him to do his fair share. Especially the mess, chores etc. he specifically creates.

Have you talked about it?

Cross post. Glad he is seeing your POV.

FWIW I work FT. DH is SAHP. We have one easygoing 11 yo and an elderly dog. I still take my turn cleaning, laundry, cooking etc. Yes he does the lion's share but he's not the family servant.

I still take my turn cleaning, laundry, cooking etc.

so what on earth is your SAHP doing all day?

@thedisorganisedmum the usual stuff school runs, dog walks, diy, chores, gardening, a bit of volunteering, dad taxi for activities, shopping, cooking, sport, meeting friends and spending time with family. I didn't say he does nothing but I don't come home to a male equivalent of a 50s housewife with my slippers warming by the fire.

If your kids are at school that's 30 hrs per week to tidy/clean, I'm mystified why so many people make out as if running a house is this massive task, keep on top of it and get kids doing their bit. If your OH is working full time that's the contribution to the house but it's reasonable to ask them to clean up after themselves.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea
if you are happy he has so much free time for sport, meeting friends and is so bored he needs to do some volunteering but you are happy to do chores after a full day work, why not! I wouldn't.

and I completely agree with that:
I'm mystified why so many people make out as if running a house is this massive task
we both work full time, and we don't even do chores at the weekend! Between 6am and 7:30am (personal choice to get up early), there's enough time to keep the entire house clean and tidy.

As I said upthread, I work full time and it's no big deal to stick some washing on a couple of times a week, or notice when the bin needs emptied, or cook some pasta. If I wasn't married I'd have to do everything anyway. Single working people seem to cope without exploding.

@thedisorganisedmum as I said, he absolutely does the lion's share. But I have a sedentary job, as do many people. It's not like I've spent 10 hours down t' mine. I don't get home knackered. These lazy "hard working" men seem to have enough energy to go to the pub or play football, but not to put their own kids to bed.

Simple OP, stop doing it and see how long it is before he gets the message. I hate men like this.

My housework requirements were vastly less than those needed now with two DC when I was single. That's not even comparing apples and oranges, it's apples and cars!

But I do the odd load of washing, or clean the kitchen and / or bathroom etc as well to help DH. We all cohabit the same space, so why wouldn't I do my bit?

Though I'm one handed / armed right now, so he is doing nigh on everything himself. I'm a rather useless bystander for anything needing two hands or strength!

Op, you may well be still sorting stuff at 9pm whilst he has sat down at 7pm, but as many many posters have asked and you haven't responded to; what are you doing between 9 and 3 whilst he is at work and the dc are at school? Even if it takes 2 hours to do housework, you still have 4 hours to sit down.
I think it's hard to get your mind around it, if you're used to a 9-6; you just do different hours 9-11 plus 3-9pm.

Got to admit that, when I've been working my arse off in a job I hate but I'm trapped in, I would think 'why the fuck am I spending every evening, weekend and day off doing stuff that somebody could be doing instead of rolling out of bed sometime in the afternoon and then tiring themself out with the hard work of watching telly?'

What do you do when the children are in school?

I must admit, if one parent (male or female) is at home with kids in school I would not expect the working parent to do much housework. Maybe some washing up or help with cooking.

Surely it doesn't take 6 hours a day 5 days a week to keep on top of it?

I'm spending a large proportion of my time completing job applications and visiting schools. I'm a teacher and it's imperative I get back into work ASAP as main earner (partner earns £24k pa so clearly money is extremely tight).

Also I have been extremely unwell with mental health for many reasons, not least because my mum became poorly poorly last year. She's now lives much nearer to us which is great and it's important for me to still be supporting her atm. I'm also attending counselling following an extremely abusive marriage which I did find the courage to leave but in a way regret.

Filling in application forms is not really cutting it as a reason for me, tbh. If I want another job, I have to complete applications in my own time after work.

Why is it that you can't take the agency/supply route back to current experience/references whilst fitting round appointments? Sounds as though working supply is an ideal solution, as it's less mentally challenging, there's no planning involved other than having a few fallbacks for where somebody hasn't been well enough to plan and write cover, you work when you want to work and, let's face it, money is money.

It's the time of year where teachers who slightly misstimed conception or are experiencing issues with pregnancies are going on earlier leave than intended, people are coming up to finishing times for leaving at Easter and the new budgets are coming in, so there's more money around to pay for cover rather than split a class between other teachers. A good time for supply and recruitment for September as a whole - because you'd have current experience as soon as the resignation letters go in and they start recruiting for permanent positions starting in September.

you're better off organising your housekeeping chores now, or it will be chaos when you work full time. The last thing I would want to do after work is spend hours cleaning (i do that first thing).

Maybe you should discuss with your DH what he will do when you are at work full time. Currently, it's fair that the partner at home (gender is absolutely irrelevant) does nearly all of everything.