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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up with my OH

94 replies

Ella1980 · 17/03/2019 11:17

Long story short, I've not been well and am currently not in work. Plan is now that things have settled I'll be back to full time very soon.
The problem is my OH. Because he's currently working and I'm not he seems to think that all of the housework is my responsibly. He never washes up or does any cleaning. He has stopped doing any laundry. He never vacuums or changes a bed. He is responsible for the dog walks but that is literally it.
When I asked him to change the bin rhe other day he huffed and puffed for ages.
I just feel worn out because I literally never get a break from the drudgery of housework.
AIBU to expect him to do something? Anything at all?

OP posts:

Original poster

Ella1980 · 17/03/2019 17:54

Yes, I'm looking at supply in the meantime as it's virtually impossible for a M6 to even get shortlisted it would appear during prime NQT season. Which I kind of understand as budgets in education are tight.

OP posts:

Walkingdeadfangirl · 17/03/2019 17:59

Reading your posts it sounds like you are doing 'housework' 16 hours a day, 7 days a week? I dont understand people who can spend so much time cleaning etc. Is it some sort of OCD?

If one partner works full time the non working partner can at least do a few hours on household chores.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 17/03/2019 20:54

It sounds counterintuitive but I think part of it is four of us living in a two-bed. Not much room to spread ourselves out if that makes sense? We don't have money for luxuries like a dishwasher or tumble dryer so that adds time on to things too.

OP posts:

talktoo · 17/03/2019 21:10

I assume you are well now. If you were off work unwell then of course you should not be doing all the housework. If you are well, I'd extract you would do the daytime stuff like vacuum and dust and change bedding. But once he gets home, it is then evening stuff and weekend stuff. So I would expect him to share. Things like washing up, sweeping the floor, plumping cushions, cooking, all the things that crop up in the evening and at weekends.

It is crazy that some people think that people who work outside the home should have evenings and weekends free but people who work in the home should never get a break. If one cooks, the other washes up etc.

talktoo · 17/03/2019 21:15

People on here seem to think housework is something that gets completed. It never does. Every meal creates mess in the kitchen and washing up. Pets mean frequent hoovering including in the weekends. Weekends mean 4-6 meals made. Beds still need to be made in weekends. Surfaces gather detritus and stuff needs to be put away in the evenings and weekends. It doesn't just stop until Monday morning. And people at home deserve tine off in weekends and evenings just as much as those who work outside the home.

Glittertrauma · 17/03/2019 21:40

I don't think this is about gender at all. If you aren't contributing financially you should be in other ways - and yes, I would say that means picking up the majority of the housework and cooking. If you had a baby it might be different, but certainly if you have school age children... That is an awful lot of time per day you have free. I'm afraid I think it's just practical. I would say the same if you were at work and he was at home. Not saying he shouldn't do anything at all. But if you aren't earning... And you aren't contributing in any other way... What exactly are you bringing to the table? I'm currently on maternity leave and I do the vast majority of cooking and cleaning. Simply because it's practical. When I'm at work, we share the house stuff more equally. If I'd have been willing to do shared parental leave and he was at home all day, I'd expect him to pick up more. This isn't necessarily a feminist issue at all.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 17/03/2019 21:53

I get what you mean OP.

I'm a SAHM and have two DCs, one is a pre-schooler. I get 2.5hrs a day (M-F) without any kids and in that time, I'm re-training on 3 days. So two 2.5hr slots to do everything. Obviously it doesn't all get done but it annoys me when DH does almost nothing all weekend, yet I'm thinking about school uniform for Monday, what we're eating, has DD done her homework, ensuring they aren't watching TV all day. I'm basically on duty from 6am-8pm every day of the week. I've started sending the kids to DH on the weekend so they can nag him into doing something with/for them

thedisorganisedmum · 17/03/2019 21:58

People on here seem to think housework is something that gets completed. It never does.

But it's really not such a big deal!
Organised mum method during the week - I personally do chores from 6am to 7:30 am when I leave the house. That's nearly 7 hours a week! How much more would anyone need!
Evenings are just diner, cleaning kitchen around, and tidying up around the house (literally no more than 5mn). I wake up in a tidy house that just a clean and the dishwasher to be empty.

I don't even count beds as a chore, how long does it take you? Open bed with window opened whilst you do something else, around 30 seconds to straighten sheet, put duvet and pillows back.

If you start from a tidy house will the right storage, how much is there to be done that it takes all day. You are not repainting a room every week, are you!

Nanny0gg · 17/03/2019 22:31

If you start from a tidy house will the right storage, how much is there to be done that it takes all day. You are not repainting a room every week, are you!

Original poster

Ella1980 · 17/03/2019 22:54

No, but I do frequently have to scrub the walls and ceilings of the mould. Landlord doesn't care!

OP posts:

LovingLola · 17/03/2019 22:55

Would a dehumidifier help the mould situation?

Original poster

Ella1980 · 17/03/2019 23:01

@talktoo I think you've hit the nail on the head. Yes I do 99.9% of the housework atm which is fair enough but just feel like I should get a bit of a break from it just ocassionally at the weekends. There is still stuff to be done like you say and I don't think it unreasonable to expect a little bit of help. Even when we were both working ft I definitely did the vast majority of the household jobs!

OP posts:

Original poster

Ella1980 · 17/03/2019 23:03

@LovingLola We have one which we use a lot but damp expert says problem is no ventilation in the property eg air bricks/trickle vents etc. Landlord not bothered!

OP posts:

theheatherjane1 · 18/03/2019 04:30

I'm with the op.
She has poor health and a two kids.
In that situation, if I wasn't working, then I'd expect to do most of the running of the household and then when my husband was also at home for the weekend I'd expect him to do stuff like, oh I dunno, EMPTY THE BIN, without fussing.
She's a wife in 2019, not a slave in the 1800's.

SoyDora · 18/03/2019 04:40

Did you post the same thread last week? There was a poster in the same situation (unwell, 2 school age boys, 2 bed house) who posted this exact same thread. Do your boys spend 50% of their time with their dad?

Palace13 · 18/03/2019 05:22

If this lady is tackling mental illness,, trying to get herself back into work and looking after 2 children she has a lot on her plate already. Equally, so does her partner with a FT job. Communication is key here, because if OP is going back into paid work when she can, chores need to be divided.
If OP's illness was severe enough that she had to give up her employment it doesn't follow that she was then well enough to 100% manage the household either.
Her OH could be more supportive IMO. She's not saying he needs to clean the house every night, she's asking for a contribution. I am SAHM and do the vast lion's share as I see that as my job. However when I had a period of severe MH issues, OH did extra until I started to get better - simply because he knew it was right. I was very unwell. And I would do more for him if the situation was reversed. Aren't we supposed to care about our partner and adjust expectations as necessary?

Wallywobbles · 18/03/2019 06:06

Our kids are from 10-14. Out from 7-7. Everyone clears up every meal until the kitchen is back to its pre -cooking state. If it's a weekend or I'm working OOH they help with cooking prep too. Im a farmer and teacher if I've been out in the day everyone needs to help in the house in the evening. No one gets to sit on their arse to the detriment of others.

TedAndLola · 18/03/2019 08:10

People on here seem to think housework is something that gets completed. It never does.
Everybody knows that. But in a two bed house it doesn't take anywhere near 40 hours a week to do the work that needs doing. So why should one person work 40 hours a week then come home and do the washing up while the other spends 10 hours a week cleaning and filling out applications?

CheshireChat · 18/03/2019 13:49

But the other person does x hours of week childcare, plus cooking in the evening etc

If he were single he'd have to do everything on his own on top so it's not U he'd have to do bits when there's children involved.

DP used to grumble occasionally that his mother/ sister managed better until I pointed out they had loads of help and they just ignored the kids the majority of time and banned anything messy in the house- Lego, crafts, any small toys...

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