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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with my OH

94 replies

Ella1980 · 17/03/2019 11:17

Long story short, I've not been well and am currently not in work. Plan is now that things have settled I'll be back to full time very soon.
The problem is my OH. Because he's currently working and I'm not he seems to think that all of the housework is my responsibly. He never washes up or does any cleaning. He has stopped doing any laundry. He never vacuums or changes a bed. He is responsible for the dog walks but that is literally it.
When I asked him to change the bin rhe other day he huffed and puffed for ages.
I just feel worn out because I literally never get a break from the drudgery of housework.
AIBU to expect him to do something? Anything at all?

OP posts:
Orangecookie · 17/03/2019 12:54

Get a cleaner.

Badwifey · 17/03/2019 12:54

I kind of agree with you Dh I'm afraid. I don't expect my husband to do much around the house as he works full time and I stay at home. I am studying so he actually helps out probably more than he should and has no problem doing jobs like taking the bins out etc as it's only a 2 min job. He also changes the bed for me as I'm unable with an arm injury. He doesn't complain. I do pretty much everything else. All the cooking and washing etc. I wouldn't expect any more from him. I think you are being unfair.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 17/03/2019 12:54

Again, I'm not saying I expect him to do much. But at the weekends maybe take the bins out once, wash up once, that sort of thing? Or am I a raving feminist? Should men do nothing in the way of housework while the little lady does it all?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ella1980 · 17/03/2019 12:56

@Orangecookie On £24k family income a year?!! Possibly not!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 17/03/2019 13:00

But if the OP has been ill, shouldn't he step up a bit?

And you can guarantee when she starts work again he won't magically start hoovering.

Home77 · 17/03/2019 13:01

I agree, Ella I feel much happier if mine does at least something. Don't know ages of your boys but I have two also and don;t like them getting the idea everything is 'mums job'. Mine are a bit older now (10 and 14) and I get them to

help dry dishes / cutlery and put away
help with some basic cooking e.g. grating cheese
deal with pets
take out recycling with me once a week
load their kit / some washing
go to the shop sometimes for milk / bread
make the fire

they seem to quite like doing some of these things.

It is different with illness I think and makes it harder. I get delivered food, sometimes frozen meals and add other stuff to make them better, Dh usually cooks on the weekend at least once where we have something fancier. He quite likes cooking which helps.

MarinaMarinara · 17/03/2019 13:02

I work full time, DH is SAHD to our two DC (age 3 and 1). He does the bulk of the housework, and all the midweek cooking. I load the dishwasher sometimes, order the food shopping and cook one evening meal over the weekend. And sort bill payments to the extent they aren’t direct debits. That’s it, and tbh seems fair to me (and to him - we’ve obviously discussed it).

If you’re unhappy then it sounds like you need to think about what you would consider fair and then discuss that with your DH.

adaline · 17/03/2019 13:04

But if the OP has been ill, shouldn't he step up a bit?

It depends how ill, and how she's feeling now, surely?

But I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the person home all day to do the vast majority of housework during the week.

Of course it's different on weekends when everyone is around to contribute, though.

Fairylea · 17/03/2019 13:05

I think if you have small children or children with special needs then yes the working partner should help with housework but otherwise if one of you is working full time and the other is at home surely the person who is at home should take control of the housework etc?

I’m a stay at home mum, my dh works full time. We have a child with severe autism and a teenager. I consider my dhs “job” to work full time and I consider my “job” to run the house / organise home stuff / do all the housework. Personally I wouldn’t dream of expecting him to hoover or clean anything after a long day at work!

MiniEggAddiction · 17/03/2019 13:06

He should still be parenting even if you're doing the housework. I do all the housework as my hours and commute is much easier than DH's but he still does the parenting with me when he's home and will do something that obviously needs doing if he's there (Eg taking the bins out, cleaning up a spill, chucking some dishes in the dish washer).

avocadochocolate · 17/03/2019 13:07

Household chores are so endless that I do think everyone in the family should take ownership.

The other trouble is that when only one person is responsible for cleaning up, nobody else cares how much mess they make.

My DP is very bad in this regard too. He has improved a little over the years but I have had to get very stroppy with him on many occasions.i have had to resort to things like dumping his greasy pans in his way or putting them in the garden. Speaking nicely hasn't worked.

My DCs are teens and they help.

Orangecookie · 17/03/2019 13:12

I know I’ve not got a cleaner. However, if you’ve been ill, and OH doesn’t get it, then I’d be tempted to get a cleaner in even for two times, to make it clear that this is important and you can’t do it. You can waste a lot of time arguing. Some people/men only respond to harsh realities.

If he doesn’t like the cost, say the alternative is he does more work around the house.

Orangecookie · 17/03/2019 13:13

Speaking nicely hasn't worked. sadly I find this true too. Act, in some way. Show not tell as they say!

KarmaStar · 17/03/2019 13:14

@marina,your DH must be exhausted

Canuckduck · 17/03/2019 13:18

If you’re home full time why can’t you do the housework? When I was at home I did almost all of the housework and cooking. I saw that as my job along with some voluntary responsibilities and minimal part-time work.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/03/2019 13:21

I think you need to forget about the male/female thing for a moment. You're focussing on that, and possibly using it tbh.

Think of it as two people. One is working ooh what 40 hours a week, plus commute, say 45 hours per week. So, it's fair (depending on how debilitating your illness is) that the other person also works 45 hours per week doing childcare stuff/housework. That might well be spread out over the 7 days, more breaks in the middle of the day etc.

In our house, I do do all the housework over the weekend whilst my dh sits around. But, that's countered by the fact that from mon-fri I have a two hour daily lunch break whilst he's at work.

BlackPrism · 17/03/2019 13:29

I agree with the above, you're falling back on gender as a defence.
The 'little lady' shouldn't do it all, but the woman who isn't at work 8 hours a day should do most of it. My housework takes less than an hour a day (and another hour for cooking), I don't see how you could be spending 8 hours solidly doing housework everyday...

I know you don't want to do it all and find it annoying, but you get 6 extra hours a day to do whatever you want.

Have a conversation if you're unhappy and ask him to maybe take the bins out and agree to cooking once on a weekend or something.

TedAndLola · 17/03/2019 13:32

Assuming he works 40 hours a week, there's no way you're spending anywhere near that amount of time on housework. So, yes, I think you should do it all. Why should you have loads more free time than your partner?

Missingstreetlife · 17/03/2019 13:39

Just stop doing it. I broke my leg and couldn't do any lifting or heavy stuff. The house got neglected but amazingly food still appeared, clothes got washed. he can't see you are not well, don't let this go on when you go back to work.
It seems some posters also think you're having a holiday or unemployed. If you can't work, that means housework too, or you might have mental distress and be able to hoover but not deal with going out, or paperwork. Whatever.
It's not time she can't manage, she needs help.

WeirdCatLady · 17/03/2019 13:42

How much time do you actually spend doing housework? I’m at home, also due to ill health, and dh works full time. He does the dog walks, bins and gardening. I do everything else. We have a large house but no way do I spend 37 hours per week working. It’s not about male and female roles, it’s about free time.

If you need him to help with specific tasks because you physically can’t do them, then that’s different. But it sound alike you just want to have your cake and eat it too.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 17/03/2019 13:42

Unless you live in a palace I can't see how you are spending all day doing housework. Plus expecting someone working full time to also contribute an equal share to the domestic chores is absurd!

WeirdCatLady · 17/03/2019 13:43

sounds like, not sound alike.......fucking autocorrect 🙄

thelonggame · 17/03/2019 13:43

when I wasn't working and my kids were little I did just about everything around the house and most of the child care. That was my job.
DH would still cook the odd meal, help tidy the kitchen after dinner and weekends would really be family time.
Now kids are at Uni, I'm working 4 days a week 7 - 2 with a short commute, DH is out for 12 hours a day with his commute. So I still do most of the house hold chores and shopping - but still get LOADs more free time than he does. DH will do things when he sees that they need doing.
I'd be pissed off if I was expected to wait on him hand and foot though, surely marriage is a partnership?
Have you told him how it's making you feel?

TheLoneWolfDies · 17/03/2019 13:47

YABU

LannieDuck · 17/03/2019 13:49

I think I would be doing all the housework during the week (little of it actually needs to wait for the weekend), and expecting to split the weekend chores that can't be done in advance - e.g. you do one evening meal, he does the other.