Grandparents treating grandchildren differently

[AnnieMay100]

4 grandchildren between 3 daughters and eldest 2 (from eldest daughter) are always treated differently to the other two (other daughters have one child each).
It is made very apparent they favour the other two children (aged 2 and 6) - buy gifts every weekend/play with them/babysit very regularly. Have great relationships with sisters and their husbands and see each other at least twice a week. Am I unreasonable to see it like this? Is it normal for grandparents to do this?
Sadly the eldest two grandchildren are ignored and never even get a simple hi or bye. No texts to ask how they are. They have to watch the gifts being handed out and never receive one of their own - not important but cruel imo. This is really affecting the elder two and no longer want to visit understandably. We didn’t visit for 4 months then hoped things will have changed after the long gap but in fact was worse. It was heartbreaking and I left in tears.
I’m not confrontational and would never have the courage to stand up to them and say how I feel (childhood trauma related) so I think cutting them out is the best option for the children.
How do I go about this without being seen as the bad guy? I’d love to stay in touch with sisters as the cousins are all close, however that will be forbidden. No knowledge of what would have caused this. Any advice?

Thanks all
They’re 12 and 10 next week but this has been going on since my 6 year old niece was born and they were never particularly interested when my children were babies - wouldn’t hold them etc
I’ve decided no contact, all your posts are right I think I just needed to face up to it and that I’m fair in my feelings before taking the plunge

That's awful! Your dc must be so hurt. All I could suggest would be inviting your dsis to your house with their dc. If DPS ask why they weren't invited, you'd just say you knew they wouldn't come.

What do your siblings say?

Are your sister both married and you aren't? Are your parents religious? Not that that excuses their behaviour but I just try it to understand.

My mother favours my sister and her dd and always has. She allowed herself to be completely manipulated into being at her beck and call. Sometimes it's better just to disengage a bit. Don't make it a big thing to your kids, if they mention it just say the younger cousins get more because they still play with toys.

As long as you have a good relationship with your sisters and nieces what does it matter?
Don't let the toxic behaviour of your parents drag you down. If they're doing it on purpose then the best reaction you can give is no reaction.

Thanks ladies I’m considering a day for my nieces to come here and make it extra fun and speak about it with my sisters, perhaps they notice and feel the same but don’t want to say around them I’m not sure. I just don’t want to isolate my children any more by preventing a relationship with their aunts and nieces, who are great with them and make an effort to chat.
Not religious and both sisters married yes. I’m divorced as my husband cheated.

*cousins

"I’d love to stay in touch with sisters as the cousins are all close, however that will be forbidden. No knowledge of what would have caused this."

Could I ask you to expand on this a little, please?

When you say 'forbidden', do you mean your parents will forbid your sisters from staying in touch with you? How would they do that? Wouldn't they have to issue explicit instructions, and wouldn't your sisters question that?

Also, 'No knowledge of what would have caused this' - who has no knowledge? Do you mean that you don't know why your parents behave like this, or that your sisters don't know?

AnnieMay.. I feel like you might be able to bear this more easily if you knew what the reasoning was behind it..even if its a stupid bigoted reason...it would be easier to dismiss them from the front of your mind.
also I think that if you are almost forced into going NC to protect your DC's feelings then you parents ought to be told exactly why and how unacceptable their behaviour is.. they ought to have what they have done wrong spelt out to them - it may even make them rethink how they act -
Ultimately though unsupportive GPs don't matter, your DC come first. I hope your sisters support you. Good luck x

The fact that when your DNieces got big presents you didnt' shout out WTF why have you given DN more than my DD? and haven't had the courage to say it since points out that you are cowed by your DPs, unreasonably. It also suggests that feelings are not discussed or demonstrated in your family.

I think that adults like your DPs carry on their own sibling and parental relationships into their own children. Eg my DM always favoured my DBs, I think it's because she was close to her DF and not her DM, and had no DBs to change her opinion. Nice for my DBs, not so good for me.
There is most likely something from your DM's past that she is repeating here, was she the disliked eldest child, did she have a favoured older sister? It is unlikely that she knows why she does what she does, but you need to behave in the way that is best for your DCs, you seem afraid to tackle your DPs, you don't want your DCs feeling unloved. so best thing is, without making a big deal, reducingtime with DPs, arranging get togethers where you see your siblings without commenting about DPs.

I haven't been a single mum so I won't pretend that I understand the struggles that go along with it, but I do know what it's like to feel alone. I have a lot of issues with my family and so have never been that close with them and I sometimes ended up mixing with some pretty horrible people because I just didn't want to be alone. I thought I had to put up with whoever happened to be in my life. It did me no good and made everything worse.

You're better off with no one than with toxic people who make you feel like shit. And you can meet new people and make good friends. Hopefully your sisters will still be part of your life too.

Good luck OP xx

Are your two the same sex as the younger? That was my great grandmothers favouring reason.

Cutting your parents out is a good idea. Favoured/disfavoured children always know and in all honesty i suspect your sisters do too but they don't want to face it. Going nc and inviting your sisters over (do you get reciprocal invites with them?) Sounds like a good way forward. If your sisters say anything then be honest- this disinterest has happened all your childrens life and now its only highlighted when you see how much interest they show both sisters children. You've kept trying but now your children have seen and its hurt them.

Why do you have to “cut them out” and discuss it with your sisters?. Just go round when/if it sounds like it would be fun and spend more time with your siblings.

I’m considering a day for my nieces to come here
Do you not have them round at the moment?

She won’t change op my mil is like this she barely makes the effort and constantly has dN stuff at her house and babysits her. I barely go round unless events mainly due to work but even when my dh is free he doesn’t bring the kids round anymore either, we have taken a massive step back. My other Sil is now pregnant so she will have another one to favour over my two but dispite several talks to her nothing improves. Its her lost as she’s missing out on an amazing relationship with my kids.