To think DH and I will never get a night to ourselves??

[TipTopCatHat]

I work part time and DH works as well. We cosleep with DD (22 months), always have done. Over the last year or so, MIL and FIL have tried to have DD four or five times and each time we get a phone call between 10-11pm asking if DD can come back because she won't settle. I don't want DD to be upset all night thinking we've abandoned her and I don't want a hellish night for ILs and DD but I feel like we can't ever plan a night to ourselves or away. We did go away on one of these occasions and had to come back (1.5 hour drive). I'm also worried that it'll put a strain on mine and DH's relationship as we normally work when the other one isn't so we don't see each other during the day and then when we get in we're tired, and then at bedtime we can't even cuddle because we have DD in the middle. Did anyone else's child behave like this and then grow out of it? Has this kind of thing ever affected anyone else's relationships? Any advice would be appreciated

Put her in her own bed at home?

Can't you just get a babysitter or someone to watch her overnight in her own home?

Could PIL jut babysit for the evening to begin with?

Stopping co sleeping will be the first step.

She's not going to go to a babysitter until you get her out of your bed.

Move your DD to her own bed

I think you probably do need to get him used to sleeping without you. I'm not sure of the best way to transition to him being in his own bed but you could try a gradual retreat approach.

If he's in his own bed you will at least have some space to yourselves at night and you can progress to leaving him. We rarely have a night out (two young children) but when we do we generally settle them off to bed and go out when they are asleep. They rarely wake up so don't know we are gone.

Good luck with it. It is so hard but will be worth it

Sorry just realised it's DD not DS

Honestly, stop cosleeping. She’s almost 2, needs to be in her own bed and room.

If your in-laws will have her until 11pm, could you at least have some evenings out, just the two of you?

That would give you some time together whilst she is still in this phase of needing you at night. Dh and I never went away, just us, whilst our dses were little - we didn’t live close enough to family for them to babysit overnight, and once we had got three boys, there was no way we could ask friends to have them. We occasionally got a babysitter so we could go out for the evening. It wasn’t easy, but we got through it, and when they were older, we could go away alone.

The bottom line is that no child is co-sleeping once they are in their teens - and the vast majority will have more-or-less stopped by the time they are in Junior school, so this will be just a phase, even though I am sure it feels as if it will never end, at the moment.

The cos keeping started at 4 months when she wasn't well and I didn't want to leave her. When she recovered, she wouldn't go back in basket/cot so just slept with us and I think it has been easier eg if she drops dummy I can just pop it back in. I have tried putting her in own bed/cot and I just don't have the willpower to let her cry it out, my heart breaks, I don't want her to feel like I've abandoned her.

They could babysit evenings (they don't really offer though, when they've tried having DD it normally comes from us asking because we're exhausted).

You don't need to abandon her - where does she sleep until you go to bed? I assume she goes to bed a lot earlier than you and DH.

Put her in her own bed and stay with her until she falls asleep and each time she wakes just comfort her but don't interact as such and keep the room dark, you probably will have a few hellish nights but you need to be firm - you don't need to let her cry it out.

Can you makea big thing of it? Moving into her big girl bed, she can choose her favourite bedding maybe a new cuddly toy to sleep with who only sleeps in the big girl bed? I agree she stunt stay elsewhere while you're co sleeping and that's fine if you're ok with that but it sounds like you're ready for some space.

My youngest (very independent and mature for his age) would only stay with gp overnight when he got to around 4-5yrs of age. Despite gp providing childcare whilst I went to work, he just would not stay overnight!

*won't stay elsewhere

@TipTopCatHat then you need to decide if you're willing to sacrifice time alone with your husband to carry on living like that? You can't have it both ways. Imagine how she will feel being used to sleeping with you and then expecting her to sleep on her own when you decide you need space for one night? Children need more consistency than that, and you have to be the firm one, you're the adult, you set the boundaries. It's just as much for her own good to have stability to be able to sleep on her own than to be in the artificial knowledge that you're always there when you can't always be. Your mental health and relationship needs to be valued to. Letting her sleep on her own is not abandoning her.

Establishing regular time with GPs on her own will help too she needs to feel safe and comfortable with then without you. DN used to go to my parents' once a week so was very used to bring there and over nights became a natural extension of that. When I go back to work DM will be looking after DS one day a week at her house so will have the same. If she didn't do this regularly asking her to suddenly sleep over night in a bed on her own is s big leap

You don’t need to go overnight. Just get GP to have her in the afternoon or evening if you want some alone time.

Otherwise could you get a babysitter and then go out once she is asleep? DS used to go to sleep with me but then I would get up again. He would then wake somewhere after 12 - anything up to 6am.

Give it another year and she will sleep a lot better on her own, especially if you gradually introduce her to her own room. New bedding etc. Don’t rush it though, they are not this little for long.

Agree, you can't have it both ways. I'm not a controlled crying fan at all. But we had a lot of success with the "gradual retreat" thing where you start off sitting by their bed to reassure them, then in the corner of the room, then outside the door, then in the next room and finally downstairs. It does take perseverance but it worked for us. Three times with three children.

You cannot expect a small child who is used to being cuddled up with mum and dad to settle on their own, in a strange house. Start by getting them out of your bed first.

Sorry you can't expect to have nights away if you can't bring yourself to get DD to sleep in her own room. Just don't happen until you do it I'm afraid.

Should say won't

When do you put her down? Or does she stay up until you go to bed?

Teach her to be less dependent on you for sleeping and you will get time off from her

Surely it's more frustrating and confusing for a child to co sleep with their parents every night and suddenly be faced with a whole night completely without their warmth and comfort than to be gradually transitioned into their own sleeping space.