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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH and I will never get a night to ourselves??

101 replies

TipTopCatHat · 16/03/2019 13:27

I work part time and DH works as well. We cosleep with DD (22 months), always have done. Over the last year or so, MIL and FIL have tried to have DD four or five times and each time we get a phone call between 10-11pm asking if DD can come back because she won't settle. I don't want DD to be upset all night thinking we've abandoned her and I don't want a hellish night for ILs and DD but I feel like we can't ever plan a night to ourselves or away. We did go away on one of these occasions and had to come back (1.5 hour drive). I'm also worried that it'll put a strain on mine and DH's relationship as we normally work when the other one isn't so we don't see each other during the day and then when we get in we're tired, and then at bedtime we can't even cuddle because we have DD in the middle. Did anyone else's child behave like this and then grow out of it? Has this kind of thing ever affected anyone else's relationships? Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:

FaFoutis · 16/03/2019 13:57

Your PIL can't be arsed. That's the real problem.

XiCi · 16/03/2019 14:02

We coslept with Dd and she had no problem whatsoever staying with gp overnight. It sounds your mil/fil basically just can't be bothered with having her overnight. No way would my mil have called me back from a weekend away, she would have persevered with settling her.

Merename · 16/03/2019 14:04

OP, we collect til DD was nearly 2. We tried putting her in her own room just after 1 and did the firm putting her back setting boundaries etc that people are advising, for 3 months, and it just meant waaay less sleep for everyone and it did not improve. We gave up and tried again closer to 2 and it was much easier. We did the whole new bed fuss, pick the sheets etc and in the run up did lots more plying in her room and making it a cosy and happy place for her to be. We would lie with her to get to sleep and if she woke in the night still. So make sure it’s a full single or double bed and not a teeny one. Now at 3 she will fall asleep by herself and settle herself in the night unless ill etc. It was a hard shift and not the approach for everyone but I’m happy we let her separate at a pace she was ready for. Now DD2 is starting to come into the bed more and more tho so it all starts again

Merename · 16/03/2019 14:05

Coslept not collect

TaraBoomdieh · 16/03/2019 14:09

Don’t have GC yet so may well change my mind but if I knew my kids needed a night with their partner, I wouldn’t ring them, I’d just get on with it and deal with settling my GC. Do you ask them to call you if she’s unsettled or do they just do it? Can you or your husband have a chat with your ILs and ask them not to for once, see how it goes? She probably will be upset at first but she does need to start learning to be comfortable away from mum and dad. We were the same with our first, I in particular felt like you, that I was abandoning her. Even now, in her 20s, she’s not good in her own company and quite anxious with new people and situations and I think it’s probably because I gave in to it all (with the best of intentions) when she was little.
We were very different with our son a few years later and as a result he’s a much more independent character, more gregarious and comfortable in his own company as well as in that of others.
At 22 months, she really does need to be in her own bed. Not just for your marriage, but it will be very difficult if you plan another child and your daughter then feels her place is being usurped.

MammaMia19 · 16/03/2019 14:13

You really need to stop co sleeping and get rid of the dummy. Getting them to sleep in their own bed is not abandoning them and in the long run you will all be happier. She might cry for a week whilst she gets used to it then you will all be fine

QueenEhlana · 16/03/2019 14:15

So you want your DD to not only NOT sleep with you, but to not have you in the house at all AND physically be at someone else's house - and you seriously thought she'd settle for them?!

YABU to even try getting someone else to look after your DD if you can't enforce a sleeping regime where she goes to sleep without you there.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 16/03/2019 14:16

Do you really need to be having nights away yet?

If cosleeping is what you choose (it was for us, too), I wouldn't be ending that just so we could go away overnight. That time will come.

TwllBach · 16/03/2019 14:19

OP I cosleep with DS (although I don't call it cosleeping) who is 3 soon. Apart from the first 8 weeks, he has never slept in our bed and I think I'd do the same with subsequent children. We had a camp bed in his room until he moved to a proper single bed at 14 months and he has always slept in his own room. Could you do that? Make a lovely, peaceful room for her with a nice bed and start putting her to sleep in there?

DS will sometimes sleep through but if not, he just comes and gets me from my bed and I go back to his bed with him. More often than not I fall asleep and stay there till the morning but sometimes I'll stay with him till he goes back to sleep and then go back to DP.

ScarletBitch · 16/03/2019 14:19

Oh get a grip, your DC will not settle if you insist in co sleeping with her. Your parents /IL have raised their kids, so what if you have not had a night to yourselves! Plenty of single parents out their who just get on with it!

TwllBach · 16/03/2019 14:20

Oh, also, I haven't had a night away from DS yet and he hasn't stayed the night anywhere else. DP and I haven't had quality together time I suppose but it has been more important to me to parent the way that I want to and DP seems ok with that so far!

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 16/03/2019 14:23

Ye you def need to stop the co sleeping,our ds is 5 and has never co slept resulting in him sleeping over at gp once every 6 weeks.Couple time is very important in a relationship.

RaspberryBubblegum · 16/03/2019 14:24

We still have DD in our room (26 months) but instead of being in bed with us we bought an extra cotbed and removed one of the railing sides and pushed it up to my side of the bed. I know it doesn't exactly solve much of the problem you're having but it may help a bit?

Birdsgottafly · 16/03/2019 14:25

Similar situation with my second GC, I started off babysitting at her house, then did overnights.

But she will be a very different child by 3, so you might just be better putting the overnights on hold.

Purpleartichoke · 16/03/2019 14:25

you need to start thinking about time a little differently. Pick the time of day she is happiest and have the in-laws watch her then. If that means going out at 2pm then just do that. DH and I had outings at strange times. We also had some times when the ILs watched her and we blatantly lied about going out. Instead we just went back to our house for some quality time in the bedroom.
Eventually she will be more independent and you will have more flexibility.

speakout · 16/03/2019 14:25

OP hang in there.

We co slept with our children, they slept with us until they wanted to move to their own beds, which they did, before school age, and it was a very easy but gradual transition.

You want to have time with your OH I can understand that.

What time does your lo settle?

Do you need to physically leave your home to have quality alone time with OH?
When ours were toddlers I would take them up to bed, leave them to sleep and sneak back downstairs where OH would have a little table set with wine and candles and a simple meal- just often cold meats, olives and crusty bread, but it was a nice couple of hours that we could spend chatting and reconnecting.

TBH I don't think we ever went out in the evening- even when the children were much older.

Contrary to scare stories I don't think children who co sleep want to do so forever, they want to be independant at some point.

It won't be like this forever!

youknowmedontyou · 16/03/2019 14:25

Your PIL can't be arsed. That's the real problem.

That's rubbish! How do you pacify a distraught 22 month old who is used to co sleeping!

Co sleeping - that's the issue!

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 16/03/2019 14:25

Pressed send too soon,he enjoys the time with gp and it gives them a chance to get one to one time with him.

GoldenHour · 16/03/2019 14:31

I don't think it's an issue as to whether they will do it forever or not, we all know it stops, the OP just needs to decide if she is happy to continue to parent like this and the sacrifices that comes with that. For me I don't care if it stopped at 3, I still wouldn't have wanted than infringement on my space and marriage even if "only" 3 years, that's just the way I am as a person and parent. It's just the OP is trying to get it both ways. Either it stops now or she waits before being able to go away over night.

youknowmedontyou · 16/03/2019 14:33

And they PIL have tried 4/5 times in fairness to them.... that's good if then within 22 months!

Ellisandra · 16/03/2019 14:34

I coslept until my daughter was 7. Her choice. She’s 11 now and still comes in with me a couple of times a month. I’m divorced, and prior to that I worked away regular nights. She has always settled just fine without me. At her dad’s, with a babysitter, sleepovers, school residential... cosleeping does NOT mean they won’t sleep without you, and you don’t HAVE to stop.

If your parents persevered in settling her then she would settle for them without you. That would not necessarily happen first time, and in any case - sleepless interrupted nights may not be what they’re prepared to do! But an experienced babysitter who is warned of the situation should be able to help.

Of course if you want to stop cosleeping that’s fine. But it’s nonsense that cosleepers are unable to sleep alone.

Some nights now I still lie with my 11yo until she drifts off, as we both love it. Just as often I’ve things to do and leave her to it. Sometimes she even asks me to go, as sometimes she wants to settle alone.

youknowmedontyou · 16/03/2019 14:42

How about the child's parent does this, the GOs have tried 4/5 times!

Sparklyboots · 16/03/2019 14:46

We are co sleepers. Our two were ready to stay at Granny's aged 3. Really for us it was about when they reliably slept through so ypu coupd put them to bed lying next to them then FO as soon as they are asleep.

Ellisandra · 16/03/2019 14:49

I haven’t said that they should. I’m saying they could - and I also said that might not be what they’re prepared to do. OP might not want to end the cosleeping relationship. Having really enjoyed cosleeping myself, I think I’d be prepared as a grandparent to take the initial difficulty of setting my grandchild and support my daughter to continue cosleeping. From my own experience though, a child being able to settle on their own doesn’t have to end cosleeping. As I described above, my child has done both since I went back to work at 13 months.

Monr0e · 16/03/2019 14:49

YABU to expect your PIL's to do what you are unwilling to do.

And there are other options between co sleeping and leaving her to cry.

I agree with everyone else, settle her in her own bed at home and then progress to her settling elsewhere.

And remember, everything is a phase and will pass, she won't still be co sleeping when she's 22

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