To think DH and I will never get a night to ourselves??

[TipTopCatHat]

I work part time and DH works as well. We cosleep with DD (22 months), always have done. Over the last year or so, MIL and FIL have tried to have DD four or five times and each time we get a phone call between 10-11pm asking if DD can come back because she won't settle. I don't want DD to be upset all night thinking we've abandoned her and I don't want a hellish night for ILs and DD but I feel like we can't ever plan a night to ourselves or away. We did go away on one of these occasions and had to come back (1.5 hour drive). I'm also worried that it'll put a strain on mine and DH's relationship as we normally work when the other one isn't so we don't see each other during the day and then when we get in we're tired, and then at bedtime we can't even cuddle because we have DD in the middle. Did anyone else's child behave like this and then grow out of it? Has this kind of thing ever affected anyone else's relationships? Any advice would be appreciated

@Ellisandra that's fine if she doesn't want to end it but you cannot expect a GO to spend 4/5 nights trying to settle a baby that won't settle... it really is not their job
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youknowme clearly is the PIL.

Why does my predictive keep putting GO and not GP!

Why do you feel like having her in her own cot is abandoning her and letting her cry it out? Stay with her until she’s falls asleep, pat, sing, whatever. Then leave when she falls asleep, go back in as needed. It’s hardly abandoning her.

Ive not spent a night away from dd for 15 years, never wanted to. I have however been out with DH and got a babysitter lots of times. Not really an issue.

I haven’t said anywhere that I would expect grandparents to do it! I said quite the opposite in fact and suggested a babysitter.

That said... Even if she wasn’t cosleeping, I hope that when I’m a grandparent if my grandchild is a challenging waker, I’d sacrifice the odd night of sleep to support my daughter.

That’s not a critical of these PIL, just what I hope I’d have the energy and will to do.

Fine if OP decides that not cosleeping is the answer - but as most replies were “stop cosleeping” I wanted to share my own personal experience that a cosleeping baby can settle without you.

I never encouraged cosleeping with my son, I need my own space. He is 36 now and perfectly well balanced and loving.

And bear in mind that there are plenty of places to have sex that are not the “marital bed”

Has anyone mentioned sex?

My ds is 23 months and has co slept for well over a year. About a week and a half ago, we bought him a single bed (not a toddler bed) and bought him next duvet cover etc. He now sleeps in his own bed usually from 7.30pm and will wake at around 4am and come into our bed til he gets up for the day at 6.30am. We haven't let him cry it out or anything, but having a single bed for him means one of us can lay with him til he goes to sleep and if he wakes up after a few hours, can again lay with him til he settles. Touch wood, this has worked well so far. We wanted to do it so he had his own space and also, I was fed up getting kicked lol.

“Has anyone mentioned sex?“
It’s always the elephant in the Elton on co sleeping threads.....

No one's mentioned it though, no need to turn it into every other co sleeping thread.

Why on earth not mention it? It’s important. And it’s there under the surface whenever anyone talks about co sleeping “affecting relationships” and “you need to get him/her into their own bed”.....

Because this thread is about the parents getting time to themselves outside of the house, not in it? The OP has made no discussion of the quality of her sex life, as a co sleeper I'm sure she's figured it out, others are only pinpointing co sleeping might be why she isn't settling elsewhere.

Do you really need to be having nights away yet?

Yet? 😮 Her daughter is 22 months old! I think most people have had nights out on their own and (in my circle of friends) nights away from their children by that age.

Although I forgot that on MN some people won't leavectheir kids for a night out until they're 18...

Why do you need to go 1.5 hours away and over night. Why not go out for dinner. Or go home for a few hours then collect your dd... shes never been without you. She wont settle. Not rocket science. I have 3 DC. 4th on the way and com slept with all. Never had a child free night since dc1 was born 6 years ago let alone a date night. You make the choice of having kids so you suck it up

I co-slept with mine for 2+ years, he stayed at the GP's regularly from aged 1 no problem, but that's because they were happy to co-sleep as well and regularly looked after him in the week so he was very bonded to them too. If your DD sees her GP's infrequently or isn't particularly close to them then she's unlikely to settle at this age regardless of whether she co-sleeps or not.

She's crying out of habit OP, she's annoyed things aren't as they always are. She isn't going to feel abandoned 🙄 Its time for her bed!

Hmm some of these posts have given me food for thought.

I don't think four times in 22 months is bad to be honest re having her stay somewhere else. When GP's have her, she is in the bed with them so she still has someone there, I'm aware this is still different to having me and DH there.

Once we went somewhere 1.5 hours away for my birthday (pre-arranged with PIL) and we had to come back. The other three times haven't been far away, I was using that as an example.

1. Stop co-sleeping
2. Then have the PIL's come to you to babysit
3. Get her used to sleeping solo
4. After a while try and get her to sleep at theirs again

I don't ask them to call me if she's unsettled but I do say she can come home, I'd never force her to stay or expect them to keep her if they couldn't handle it.

I wouldn't encourage her sleeping in bed with anyone but you and dh, a sibling, or a same sex close relative. A cuddle in the morning with gps is ok.
You have made a rod for your own back, and now she feels anxious. Don't wait until you are at breaking point, get her to sleep in her own bed routinely. Have a babysitter, gp or other, in your home so she goes in her own bed, or yours and moves out when you get home. Less disruptive.
Surely she must sleep longer than you and dp, so she can sleep alone? If not that needs looking at as well. Look at sleep training. Good luck.

FGS woman you can't have it both ways. Moving a child into their own bed isn't that hard. Do it gently, no need for tears.

Then you can go out, with grandparents babysitting.

You just need to pull your socks up and get on with it!

I agree, it's not the PIL who can't be arsed, it's the OP and her DP.

OP grow a spine and put your DD in her own bed. It could be a cot in your room to start with, if you're that worried, but seriously, how long are you planning to co-sleep? I can see why it might work for some people in the early days of constant night waking and bf-ing, but she's almost two-year-old!

Sort out her sleeping and you'll get a break. Otherwise, stop whingeing. You've made this problem, you can't just expect your PsIL to fix it. Fix it yourselves if you want a break.

@TipTopCatHat I think 4/5 over night stays in 22 months is incredibly lucky.....

Tons of parents don't get that in five years!!