To be a sahm if we aren't married?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

More would I be really I suppose and I think I would be but Dp thinks otherwise.

Unexpectedly pregnant with a seconds Dc, Ds is only five months. We've vaguely discussed a few options but Dp keeps coming back to me staying home until they both or at least Ds start school.
We could afford it and it could in fact be the cheaper option compared to childcare X2 and getting a cleaner in or outsourcing ironing or something to ease the pressure.

I'm actually loving being home with Ds a lot more than I thought I would and Dp does pull his weight, he's not suggesting it to get out of any cleaning/childcare etc.

But we aren't married and I don't want to get married now I'm pregnant or because I'm pregnant. We are planning on doing so though and Dp would do it as soon as possible if I wanted.

I don't need to decide anything just yet, but I'm still on maternity leave and if I'm wanting to go back after the second one. I'm thinking it will be better to go back from this leave earlier and I'll need to tell work as soon as possible.

My career's not one that's particularly hard to get back on track, but I do enjoy it and wasn't planning on staying home. But I want to stay off for the year with Ds and the thought of juggling work with two under two is quite daunting.
The easy solution seems to be stay home for the next few years.
I'd be stupid to give up work without the protection of marriage though, wouldn't I? Or maybe stupid to even with marriage, I don't know!

Could you have a quick legal wedding to give you some security and plan for a "proper" wedding at a later date.

The biggest risk is when you are a sahm, trash our career, do not have your name on the house, and get left high and dry with no right to a share of the house, maintenance for yourself, and you are back down to bottom rung on the career ladder. With no pension.

If your name is on the house, you intend to SAHM for just a couple of years and have a little nest egg, and the wills are sorted, then there isn't much risk.

I’m not totally against people getting married for this reason but what gets me is how the heck would you even approach that subject???! How would you even word it?

She owns her house, can get dp to continue paying into her pension and NI as a compromise. If her career is easy to get back on track as she says,not sure why a couple of years makes marriage crucial when she doesn’t want it.

My Grandads brother died unmarried to his partner of 50 years. The house went to his siblings (my grandad included) and they signed it over to his partner but some nutters wouldn't have done that!

I know what you mean about shotgun weddings and I don't blame you for feeling like that. I was unmarried when I had my DC but I think its a risk staying at home unmarried so if I were you, I would have to go back to work.

@SausageAndEgg

Totally agree. I am married and that gives me a degree of security and comfort.

But most comfort comes from being capable of being independent. Think this is pretty important and on the balance of things more important than being married.

We have a joint insurance policy that will pay off the mortgage, I don't think he could change that without me knowing. He has a work policy too, I know I'm named on that now same as pension but obviously he could change it. But I'm guessing he'd only do that if he was thinking of leaving anyway and I'm not sure a short marriage would really give me a huge share of his pension would it? And he'd be allowed to change his life insurance if we split.

So worst case if we aren't married and split up, I'd get half the equity in the house and half the joint savings, is that right? He'd have no claim over my savings or pension nor me over his?

I understand that marriage protects you but I think what’s equally(IMO more-so, but at the very least equally) important is knowing that you are strong enough on your own (should shit hit the fan) before you ever put yourself in a vulnerable position like that

Absolutely! I agree and I don’t think anyone would argue that marriage is any sort of replacement for, for example, education, a career, saving for your retirement etc.

But the op is talking about becoming a sahm and hasn’t mentioned if she’s got a stash of money behind her or if she’s going to be reliant on her dp. If it’s the latter, then I’d want the additional protection marriage offers.

Re, how to you broach conversations like that; like you would anything. Dh and I discussed getting engaged loads before we actually did it. I didn’t just sit around waiting for him to do some big romantic proposal. We discussed it, decided it was the best option for us and did it.

I think I might be dead inside....

Bloody love dh though. We just both happen to be the “let’s discuss and decide” when it comes to big life decisions. I never wanted to be swept off my feet by him with a proposal.

OP, what it sounds like to me is: you know that there are a lot of good reasons to get married now and the only reason not to get married now is that you don't want to. I'm afraid that is the very definition of unreasonable.

The main thing is if the house is in joint names. Obviously Wills can be changed, but your share in the house is safe. Why don't you have a little Registry Office do, and then later have a big splash blessing with white dress and all the trimmings?

Our house is definitely ok, it goes to me if something happens to him and him if something happens to me. So that's ok.

I actually think my pension is worth more than his, he was self employed so hasn't had it as long. How would that work, would they cancel each other out or would he get some of mine? If we were married.

I wasn't even considering staying at home until this surprise pregnancy and really can't see me doing so for more than a few years, max.

Dp suggested putting all the savings into my name only. Would he not have any claim on it if we did that?

It's more than not wanting to though @bridgetreilly. I honestly don't think I'd be able to go through with it.

Tbh op, based on your last post, I personally, really don’t see why you shouldn’t stay at home. Have your wedding on your own terms then, or not at all if you don’t fancy it!

But for the love of god, do NOT decide to get married or not to get married because it’s ‘cool’ . We aren’t 15.

The only thing to consider would be your career. Could you go straight back to it after a break or is it the sort of industry where a few years is a long time?

Our house is definitely ok, it goes to me if something happens to him and him if something happens to me. So that's ok

Not so sure about that. If you're in England and Wales, it's probably a joint tenancy you're talking about. Either party can sever that without the other being able to stop them. You'd know, but you couldn't do anything about it. Once the joint tenancy is severed, you own as tenants in common and either of you can leave your share to whoever you want.

This is the sort of thing you need to know about your property ownership before deciding to rely on it.

Yabvu OP

And it seems OP is not listening to any of the advice here.

That is also, yabvu.

Do check everything out though op; IHT, pensions, property ownership etc. My understanding is that is almost always easier to just get married than to sort it all out without being married.

I would also ask your employer about a career break if you aren’t sure if you could just walk back into another job after a break.

And expecting somebody to get married when they really don’t want to isn’t unreasonable?

She doesn’t need to Gender. She has a good pension, a job she can return to and a house.

How much are you talking about in the way of savings OP? If it's only a few grand, that's a fuck off fund but it's not likely to compensate for the way in which your potential contribution as a SAHP could be taken into account in a divorce settlement. If it's a lot more money, maybe it would.

WRT your pension, if you're in England and Wales, if you got divorced it would all go into one pot. Pensions would be assets of the marriage as would property and savings. This is why it's important to think about what the assets are. The majority of women gain from being married because we on average are poorer than men, but if you have more assets then not necessarily.

She'll be fine. She's got her head screwed on. Unlike some people!

But she does want to get married. Just not when she's pregnant. Which seems bonkers to me. But it's no skin off my nose or anyone else's but hers.

But I'd know @Sitdownstandup. So that would signal the end of our relationship. In which we'd go to the selling and splitting the equity, wouldn't we?
Although I think the mortgage company said we needed to inform them of any changes to tenancy too, so we'd potentially have to remortgage if he wanted to change things.

I was meaning if he suddenly dies that me and Ds are ok and the same applies if I suddenly die he's ok. (Financially at least anyway).

You don't have to decide this until maternity leave with the second kid is finished, and I wouldn't decide about SAHM until you have to.

I personally wouldn't SAH unmarried. Actually I did for a year or so but I wouldn't recommend it. You are utterly dependent on this person for your livelihood and that affects the way you feel about yourself, married or not, but if you are married your role has some recognition in law. This is quite apart from all the legal stuff which is sorted in one swoop and without which you are deciding to leave yourself very vulnerable. What you don't want to end up in is a situation where he leaves you and you've no income or you want to leave but can't because you're not entitled to anything.

To make sure you're NI contributions are kept up to date sign up for child benefit and pay back through tax if you're over the threshold.

I actually wouldn't advise anyone to SAH. It has advantages for the kids and for the working partner but is not really a good deal for the SAHP.

If we transfer the joint savings into mine that I already have, £36,000 @Sitdownstandup. Not sure what Dp has himself I think about 10/15 he paid for some stuff in the house and holiday recently and he didn't take from the joint account so must have from his savings.