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Original poster

To be a sahm if we aren't married?

258 replies

NotReadyForThisX2 · 14/03/2019 16:50

More would I be really I suppose and I think I would be but Dp thinks otherwise.

Unexpectedly pregnant with a seconds Dc, Ds is only five months. We've vaguely discussed a few options but Dp keeps coming back to me staying home until they both or at least Ds start school.
We could afford it and it could in fact be the cheaper option compared to childcare X2 and getting a cleaner in or outsourcing ironing or something to ease the pressure.

I'm actually loving being home with Ds a lot more than I thought I would and Dp does pull his weight, he's not suggesting it to get out of any cleaning/childcare etc.

But we aren't married and I don't want to get married now I'm pregnant or because I'm pregnant. We are planning on doing so though and Dp would do it as soon as possible if I wanted.

I don't need to decide anything just yet, but I'm still on maternity leave and if I'm wanting to go back after the second one. I'm thinking it will be better to go back from this leave earlier and I'll need to tell work as soon as possible.

My career's not one that's particularly hard to get back on track, but I do enjoy it and wasn't planning on staying home. But I want to stay off for the year with Ds and the thought of juggling work with two under two is quite daunting.
The easy solution seems to be stay home for the next few years.
I'd be stupid to give up work without the protection of marriage though, wouldn't I? Or maybe stupid to even with marriage, I don't know!

OP posts:
N0rdicStar · 14/03/2019 18:43

If you’ve got a joint mortgage, your own pension and a career don’t marry if you don’t want to. The only thing you need to worry about is if you woukd need his pension to survive. We’ve been together 30 years and havent got married, been parents for 15 years and I’ve had a period as sahp. I have joint ownership of the house and my own pensions. I’m sole beneficiary for dps pensions but if he had a personality transplant I’d be fine.

It’s not ‘cool’ to marry somebody for their money. I think it’s unsavoury and not being married doesn’t mean you don’t love each other.

FuckertyBoo · 14/03/2019 18:49

It’s not ‘cool’ to marry somebody for their money. I think it’s unsavoury and not being married doesn’t mean you don’t love each other.

Well, if it isn’t for the legalities and it isn’t for love, what do you think people marry for?

It isn’t marrying for “their” money either; it’s marrying for the legal protections offered by marriage. If I wanted dh’s money, I could have got it without marrying him, by opening a joint account and clearing him out.

But if he died and we weren’t married, money that he would like to go to me would be taxed, whereas it isn’t because we are married. Ditto his pension, which I wouldn’t get if we weren’t married, even if that’s what he’d like to happen.

Foxmuffin · 14/03/2019 18:55

Your main assets (the house and savings) are joint and you have plans to get married in the not too distant future.

Your fiancé could spend all his money and disappear off into the horizon, but being married isn’t going to stop him doing that and 50% of nothing isn’t any better.

I really don’t see the big fuss in waiting a bit.

N0rdicStar · 14/03/2019 18:56

He’s got the wrong pensions,I’ll be getting my dps pensions as named on them.

And can’t you be disinherited on a will even as a spouse. Yes you could challenge it but how much would that cost?

The cool thing is to joint own a house, take out your own pension and have your own way of making money. Marriage has nothing to do with that.

FuckertyBoo · 14/03/2019 18:58

But the op is talking about being a sahm, so “the cool thing is having a way of making your own money” is a little irrelevant 😎.

FuckertyBoo · 14/03/2019 18:59

And I’m not talking about being disinherited; inheritance tax is exempt if you are married. It is not if you are not.

FuckertyBoo · 14/03/2019 19:00

I really hope you tell all your married friends irl how deeply uncool they are btw Hmm.

smallereveryday · 14/03/2019 19:01

Is your house held as tenants in common or joint tenants ?

If god forbid your DP died , how would you look after your children if he changed his pension (if he has one) or life insurance? There is no legal need for him to notify you about any changes to pension or Will , should he choose to do so.
How would you afford childcare if you had to return to work without his income. (and no life insurance) ?

No right to widowed parents benefit or bereavement benefit.
No right to inherit state pension contributions.

NOT next of kin. Most of the time this is irrelevant- especially when a partner is conscious and wants to name you as such. No hospital will argue.. BUT if it came to something hideous like life support being switched off - his blood relative normally parents are next of kin or could make a legal challenge.
You as a 'partner' are not 'recognised' in any way by UK law. It holds no legal status.

Marriage holds all of it.

Can be done for £75 with no song or dance )literally).

Cannot imagine why anyone with children wouldn't. It's a large round of drinks fgs...

FuckertyBoo · 14/03/2019 19:04

Cannot imagine why anyone with children wouldn't. It's a large round of drinks fgs...

Aren’t you listening? It’s because it’s cooooool not to get married and always have your own income... except that the person saying that was at one point a sahp ffs Hmm.

Foxmuffin · 14/03/2019 19:04

@FuckertyBoo
Have a look into inheritance tax. I really don’t see that’s an overriding concern here. Sounds like the house will pass independently as its joint anyway.

Being married won’t stop things going tits up. If your husband decides to squirrel their assets away and leave them to someone else he’s perfectly entitled.

OP has two children that will always have a claim on dads estate. If he goes awol that’s a fair plan B.

FuckertyBoo · 14/03/2019 19:05

*and to always have your own income

Alsohuman · 14/03/2019 19:06

@N0rdic, your partner could change the beneficiary of his pensions without telling you. As for its not being cool to marry someone for their money - who does that anyway? - it's not cool to leave yourself and your kids financially vulnerable or to pay IHT when there's no need.

NataliaOsipova · 14/03/2019 19:07

I think the house is ok because it's in both names.

Agree with FuckertyBoo. How much is your house and assets worth? Look at IHT rules. Spouses are exempt; unmarried partners aren’t.

FuckertyBoo · 14/03/2019 19:07

True fox, I just find the “it’s uncool to get married” brigade a bit tiresome. It’s fine to do either, as long as you protect yourself.

It sounds like the op does want to get married, but on her and her dp’s own terms. Which I also totally get.

FuckertyBoo · 14/03/2019 19:08

You should look into IHT though. It is sometimes easier to “just” get married than to sort out the various legal protections without being married. But then you would lose your “cool” status so...

N0rdicStar · 14/03/2019 19:09

The next of kin scaremongering is bollocks.

SausageAndEgg · 14/03/2019 19:10

I was a SAHM before marriage because I thought if he fucks me over I’ll just do it myself and not leach from him anyway. Depends if you trust him, but ultimately whether or not you’re willing to struggle your own if he does bugger you over.

Foxmuffin · 14/03/2019 19:10

OP hasn’t said she isn’t getting married. Just not right now.

It’s so perfectly possible to sort your finances out without the need for marriage.

N0rdicStar · 14/03/2019 19:12

And re ‘cool’ I used that term because a previous poster decided that getting married was the ‘cool’ thing to do. No it isn’t if you aren’t sorting out your own property, pension and career.

Without those and a husband who has none you’re way more screwed than somebody unmarried with all 3.

Marriage does not = security by default.

FuckertyBoo · 14/03/2019 19:14

sausage

If you had no income and your dp didn’t support you, how did you plan to... you know... feed your child?

I’m all for choice when it comes to marriage, but choosing not to ask the father of your children to support them financially is not right imo. Unless there’s some major reason for it, like you need to be totally NC with him.

kenandbarbie · 14/03/2019 19:15

You don't seem to have a very good reason not to get married. Just do it. Protect yourself and your children. It's just one day and one event. Then you can enjoy your actual life every day for as many years as you want being a sahm.

TedAndLola · 14/03/2019 19:15

Your children deserve protection. That's more important than you getting to sign a piece of paper while wearing a big white dress rather than signing now and wearing the big white dress next year.

Do the right thing for your babies.

FuckertyBoo · 14/03/2019 19:15

Without those and a husband who has none you’re way more screwed than somebody unmarried with all 3.

You’re bang on. But the op is talking about being a sahp. You know, like you were.

SausageAndEgg · 14/03/2019 19:18

I have my own money and I had the ability to work had I needed to. I work now, from home, so I could have just done that if he decided to have a personality change and leave me or whatever.

I understand that marriage protects you but I think what’s equally(IMO more-so, but at the very least equally) important is knowing that you are strong enough on your own (should shit hit the fan) before you ever put yourself in a vulnerable position like that

kenandbarbie · 14/03/2019 19:19

You're not your mum and dad. I don't understand why you'd compromise the lifestyle YOU want because their marriage didn't work out.

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