Ex is moving house. Should I be told where?

[smilingelizabeth]

Hi everyone,
I'd like some advice on this please.
My ex and father of our 4 kids has sold his house. He told me it was for sale and it is now sold according to right move.
He won't tell me his plans -such as if he's planning to live in the same town, move in with his girlfriend who lives around 40-50 minutes drive away in another town or what. He's also told me not to discuss this with the children and as far as I know they don't know anything about it.
AIBU to feel annoyed about this? And what can I do? I'm assuming I can't do anything!
One of my kids has autism and hates change of any kind so if he is moving I'd like to prepare her in advance and not have it sprung on my child without warning.
Also, he has the kids one night after school and alternate weekends so it may have implications for their contact arrangements.

You sound rather controlling. There’s nothing compelling him to tell you

Nothing. To put it bluntly

Eh? I think a mum has a right to know where her children are. Is there a back story as to why he won’t tell you?

Maybe he wants to discuss it with the children?

I mean, no he isn’t compelled to tell you and I’m sure there’s no law against it. But it’s pretty weird that he is refusing to tell you. Why doesn’t he want to?

Perhaps he hasn’t decided yet.

I agree it’s courteous to let you know once he’s decided, but it’s probably that he hasn’t.

A little odd that you’re stalking the progress of his sale on rightmove. My husbands ex did the same thing and we genuinely didn’t know where we were going and the sale took several months to complete.

Do you tell him where you are with the kids every minute of every day? A mum doesn't have any kind of right to know where her kids are I'm afraid.

How is he generally? Is he a good dad? He's under no obligation to tell you but he absolutely needs to discuss how you both plan to introduce the change to your autistic child. I suppose all you can do is appeal to his love for the child and ask to talk about it from that perspective. It's not that it's your business where he lives but it is your business how the change is handled.

Is this really so you can have a good gander on Google maps/rightmove?

If it were my kids I'd want to know.

I realise the OP sounds quite obsessive but handling change with an autistic child that reacts badly is something that has to be done with great delicacy.

Have they not noticed the for sale sign at his house? I don't understand people feeling she has no right to j ow where he will be moving, given that it may have an impact on time spent with him, and travel arrangements. I wouldn't appreciate being told last minute I'm dropping the mid week day, and now doing x, as of now. So there. I would ask him to tell the kids at least ASAP. Are you reliant on him picking them up from school on the mid week day or could you accomodate if that changes?

Wouldn't it be a lot easier and nicer for all, including the kids if this was handled with a bit of decency and common sense? Unless there is a compelling reason NOT to, of course parents should communicate about where their home address is ffs.. Its not about rights and why the bloody hell is it 'controlling' for a parent to want to know where their child's other home is? Of course ex partners don't need to be informed of every overnight stay or sleepover but the other residence, where they might need to travel to / from yes absolutely. My ex and I have a terrible relationship but we know where we each live and have seen the kids' bedrooms in the other's house.. Not to check up but just because the kids want us to. It's this level of hostility and suspicion that does do much damage in split families.

I get that the child is autistic but the location of the house is immaterial. If this is the concern OP should be discussing how both parents can manage the move.

I should add I don’t disagree OP should be told. But just that perhaps she’s gone about it the wrong way is stalking via rightmove and maybe her ex finds that a bit intrusive.

What you can do is tell the children the truth if you think that would be helpful. And let's face it, it's the normal thing to do if you're moving house. Answer their questions honestly.

Well I wouldn't tell my ex because he's banned from my house anyway so wouldn't make any difference.

It's up to your ex to give a smooth transition and if he doesn't do that then on his own head be it.

Also, he has the kids one night after school and alternate weekends so it may have implications for their contact arrangements

Ask this question, if he won't tell you the answer to it then he's an arse and I'd assume that contact will be none existent and plan accordingly.

How in the fuck is it controlling to want to know where her kids will be staying

A judge would declare you the have a right to know. I moved and had to tell exh my address.
See a solicitor.

And those saying 'you don't know where they are every minute of every day', that's a bit different from the house they'll be spending the time in when they're away from her, sleeping over etc.

it was a while ago so things may have changed now, however, a woman I used to work with was fuming when her ex was moving and tbf tried to micro manage all of his contact with their dsd - in the end she stopped contact until he told her. It all ended back up in court in which she was told that as long as there were emergency contact numbers and they agreed to call each other in an emergency then there was absolutely no need for him to divulge the address.

I am not saying i agree to him not telling you but I am not sure legally you have the right to know - that said things may have changed.

So all of you mothers calling op controlling would be happy letting your children stay somewhere unknown to you completely for a whole weekend or even week if he asked for a weeks holiday? Right..

Ignore the 'cool mum/ex' ones, yeah you should know providing I assume there was no abuse from your side. He's probably disorganised though and doesn't have a clue yet.

If my children were spending nights away from home then I'd very much want to know where they were staying. I don't think you're unreasonable in wanting to have that information. The only reason I can think for him not to tell you is if you are having difficulty dealing with the split and likely to harass him and/or his gf at his/their address.

No, don't have a right to know.

If the children are with their Dad and he is legally deemed to be able to keep them safe (eg no restrictions, whatever contact arrangements in place) then the other parent has no right to know where they are.

Emergency contacts and the like yes, knowing the address, no.