Ex is moving house. Should I be told where?

[smilingelizabeth]

Hi everyone,
I'd like some advice on this please.
My ex and father of our 4 kids has sold his house. He told me it was for sale and it is now sold according to right move.
He won't tell me his plans -such as if he's planning to live in the same town, move in with his girlfriend who lives around 40-50 minutes drive away in another town or what. He's also told me not to discuss this with the children and as far as I know they don't know anything about it.
AIBU to feel annoyed about this? And what can I do? I'm assuming I can't do anything!
One of my kids has autism and hates change of any kind so if he is moving I'd like to prepare her in advance and not have it sprung on my child without warning.
Also, he has the kids one night after school and alternate weekends so it may have implications for their contact arrangements.

*Imagine if he didn't bring them back.

Try explaining that to the police.

Them - Where does he live?
You - No idea*

Unless there is a risk to the children it’s not a police matter. He is their parent and unless there are court orders in place saying he has to return them, or he cannot have unsupervised access, then the police can’t do anything beyond a welfare check.

The logic is if you trust your ex enough to have overnight contact and take care of them, then where he goes is irrelevant. Just as if you go away or the kids have a sleepover you aren’t obliged to tell him every time.

If you don’t trust to take care of the kids, provide appropriate sleeping arrangements etc. take him to court to stop overnight contact.

I would want to know the address, myself. But he is not obliged to provide it.

Thank you for all the replies and the supportive comments.

To those who think it's unreasonable for me to know where he's going to live or what his plans are I wonder if any of you have experienced not knowing where your children live for some of the time? Not knowing that they are a 5 minute walk away ( as they are now) or several hours drive away especially with one who has SEN and one who is only 5 years old I'm really surprised that this would be fine with you.

Thank you for those of you who have defended me while I was doing the school pick ups. Also, as someone said what if he didn't return them? Or had a car break down and couldn't take them to school? What if one of them was ill or left something vital at his house?

I haven't ever been controlling or have any kind of restraining order against me. He was very financially controlling during our marriage and incredibly flaky. So I do have some concerns.

I looked on RightMove as he told me it was on there and I often look on it anyway as part of my job. I don't think that's obsessive behaviour. It went on the market on a Saturday and was sold ( a family member of mine told me ) less than a week later.

His girlfriend has 3 children of her own so of course I wonder how my DD will cope with this environment as she finds noise difficult if they move in together.

Claireelizabeth I love your ideas about FaceTiming etc.

For peace of mind just get an online trace when he's moved in.

They can do a trace in a matter of days.

Don't tell him you know where he lives.

I agree with Micah it depends entirely on the circumstances.

OP has not suggested her ex his violent or has form for abuse/refusing to bring the children home etc... So I think if he's a good father and OP trusts him enough for regular over night contact, then calling him a flight risk is a bit of a leap.

I would want to know personally, and I would tell my ex as well if roles were reversed but I wouldn't automatically assume the worst if he didn't tell me for whatever reason as he's a good Dad and I don't have any suspicions on that front.

Maybe he's just not decided where he's going yet?

Just seen your update OP. I do understand wanting to know.

I'm curious as to what reasons he's given as to why he won't tell you? Has he said anything at all or just 'im not telling you'?

Could it be because he's not decided himself yet? House sales take months to complete.

I asked him what his plans were and he shrugged. I get that he may not know exactly where he's moving to yet but a rough indication would be nice and only reasonable. I also emailed and no reply. An indication such as he's planning to move in with his girl friend or live near to where I am or another town/ city would be helpful and may have an impact on his contact.
My friends say don't expect him to be reasonable about anything as he's not a reasonable person. 😂

It sounds like he really just doesn't know yet and doesn't want to get involved with a discussion (/fight) with you about a situation that may not even happen.

This doesn't sound at all like a scenario where he's not going to tell you his address when the kids are actually visiting there.

If he is moving in with his gf then he really needs to prepare her for that with a -this is where J sleeps, this is where A sleeps and this is where you will sleep. She needs to know where she and her younger sibling will fit in, that they have their own space in the house. Or she may feel that she doesn’t belong there.

I’m so sorry that your ex is such an asshole! Having a child with autism, you need to both be on the same page and work together to make life easier for her. If your dd has a sensory area/ box of sensory toys at his then he should show her where it is and reassure her that it’s just for her. With enough sensitivity and preparation the move could be easier for your dd. Unfortunately it sounds like your ex lacks sensitivity completely!

I don't know the legality but thought you were getting a rough ride here, of course you should know.

I have an autistic child and there’s no way i would be okay with not knowing where he is.

Her dad (or you if he tells you his address and let’s you) should possibly making a photo book? Photos of his new house including all the rooms and the outside as well as several visits for a short amount of time before his contact happens without you?

I would ask him directly his new address or tell him you need to know in case of emergencies as well as discussing settling in for your daughter. Asking for at his plans are is too vague

Thank you for many supportive posts.
My ex has autism himself but he seems to really struggle to understand it in his children. ( one diagnosed and one undergoing assessment at the moment)

Claireelizabeth yes it doesn't make it easy when he doesn't seem interested in their education, hospital appointments etc and never asks me how things are. I usually update him by email though. I think he's in denial about the autism.

I have a 9 year old.
It is court ordered my ex is not allowed to know where I live due to previous incidents.
ie. For my safety.
But I was also told it is not my business where he lives. He had supervised acess for 3 years before he was allowed to leave with our dd. And I have no idea where he goes.
It was horrible at first but the older they get you learn they tell you anything that is an issue.
It's a rubbish situation and I feel for you.

In terms of helping your DD adjust, I had to move house last year with my DS who has autism. I bought the house from a friend and she was great at letting us come for visits in the lead up to the move, and sent me the pictures from the estate agents blurb to show him. Every visit she bought his favourite cake too, bless her.
I wrote moving day on the calendar so he could see exactly when it was happening.
He still struggled but I think those things helped.

Given your second post I would explain to him why you want to know and frame it around your concerns for your son. If he’s not interested in making the transition smoother for his son, then yes, he’s being unreasonable. But it sounds like he might not have appreciated the reasoning for your request.

He is your ex, what he does now is no longer your business.

You sound rather controlling

Yeah. Really controlling tomexpect an equal parent to give you a cursory heads up as to what’s going on and details of how that might impact your children.

or rather, isn’t it controlling to expect your ex to keep your secrets and not tell them where the children might be staying in the future?

NC4Now that sounds amazing and my DD would love that opportunity and it would make the transition easier.
NannyRed I disagree. As he will be having my children to stay it is very much my business. If he was living with a known criminal for example or a drug user then I'd want to know. Or if he was living in a one bed flat I'd want to know as my children ( 2 in particular who have some SEN) would find that difficult- especially as one of them doesn't sleep well at all.

Is there any indication that he is planning on doing any of those things though?

I think it's pretty telling that you refer to them as "my children". There are his kids too. Is there any indication that he is less capable than you of sensibly considering their needs?

Im guessing that one of your children will give you the address as soon as they go there, doesn't help you prepare much though. At least your autistic child will have their siblings to help them.

Thank you for the helpful suggestions and support.

PCohle your posts are so incredibly unsupportive and unhelpful I can only assume this has touched a nerve with you. Yes I did refer to them as 'my' children in one of my posts. In all the other posts I refer to them as 'our' children. How is that significant?

My ex has a history of chaotic behaviour and has a criminal record so yes I do have legitimate concerns. It's never quite reached the threshold of withholding contact but it's been close a few times.

I'm sorry you feel my posts are unhelpful.

I think your language is indicative of a sense of control and a lack of trust in your ex's parenting.

Although given the drip feed that he has a criminal record that lack of trust may well be perfectly justified. It is why I phrased it as a question after all.

He doesn't have to tell you.

My friend's XH wouldn't tell her where he'd moved and where he took the kids on his access days. The law said he didn't have to. She put a tracking device in her toddler's backpack and pieced it together for peace of mind. At least she knew where her kids were afterward though she's never gone by the property.

@itsbritneybiatches Do you know a good place to do an online trace?

My ex has moved 3 times and has alway's given me his new address and phone number incase i needed to get in touch about the kid's, i've never had to ask.