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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex is moving house. Should I be told where?

79 replies

smilingelizabeth · 14/03/2019 14:01

Hi everyone,
I'd like some advice on this please.
My ex and father of our 4 kids has sold his house. He told me it was for sale and it is now sold according to right move.
He won't tell me his plans -such as if he's planning to live in the same town, move in with his girlfriend who lives around 40-50 minutes drive away in another town or what. He's also told me not to discuss this with the children and as far as I know they don't know anything about it.
AIBU to feel annoyed about this? And what can I do? I'm assuming I can't do anything!
One of my kids has autism and hates change of any kind so if he is moving I'd like to prepare her in advance and not have it sprung on my child without warning.
Also, he has the kids one night after school and alternate weekends so it may have implications for their contact arrangements.

OP posts:
10IAR · 14/03/2019 14:52

Actually OP I think you've had a tough ride from some posters who clearly know the square root of fuck all about autism or indeed the distress this could cause your child.

He's being a dick, but as pp have said there is nothing to legally compel him to tell you just as there is nothing to legally compel him not to be a selfish prick and put his own wants above those of his children and especially his child who needs to know things in advance.

Orangecookie · 14/03/2019 14:58

My ex does this. He still hasn’t given me his address 7 years later!

Keep it strictly about where your kids are. Don’t ask him until you need to - I.e. whenever you are able, but before x date when kids are due at yours, where are the kids staying? Just need to prepare them and also good to know where they are just in case of any emergency.

Short and sweet.

Orangecookie · 14/03/2019 15:03

I do think it’s reasonable as you have a duty of care over your kids, and to know where they are staying. I don’t know about courts but it’s common sense and good practice.

I don’t know if you can force it, however it’s best to just try and be very reasonable, non pressurizing but still put across the expectation to your ex surely?

I’ve seen twice now that my DS was in a boat and in a festival as we have find my family on apple family sharing. My DS is fine with that and he happily tells me where he is. It’s very annoying and not good parenting of my Ex not to have told me in advance though! But what could I do I have tried in the past to ask and give up now.

Loulzze · 14/03/2019 15:06

A mum doesn't have any kind of right to know where her kids are I'm afraid.

What a crock of shit, maybe in a legal sense but like hell my kids would be off one night a week and every alternate weekend to an unknown location..

He should tell you when he's moved where you're kids will be, end of.

What if there's an emergency and you need to get them for whatever reason

Lovemusic33 · 14/03/2019 15:11

Some of these replies are crazy, would you really allow your children to go to a unknown destinations every other weekend? I know I wouldn’t. My ex tells me where he’s taking the kids when he has them (not so much now but dd has a mobile to tell me), it’s seems a bit odd not to tell you where he’s going to be living unless you have history of stalking and hanging around outside his house.

ThreeBagsFullofWool · 14/03/2019 15:12

I don't think you have a right to know and you do sound a bit controlling.

M0reGinPlease · 14/03/2019 15:12

A mum doesn't have any kind of right to know where her kids are I'm afraid.

Sorry, what?!

Orangecookie · 14/03/2019 15:19

I don't think you have a right to know and you do sound a bit controlling. I honestly don’t know where the controlling part comes in? Could you explain?

Knowing where your kids are = being a parent
Not telling the other parent where your joint kids are living = controlling surely?

PutyourtoponTrevor · 14/03/2019 15:19

ThreeBagsFullofWool don't talk such shite, of course she has a right to know where her kids will be spending their time

10IAR · 14/03/2019 15:21

Knowing where your kids are = being a parent
Not telling the other parent where your joint kids are living = controlling surely?

In reality yes. On MN not so much apparently Confused

PCohle · 14/03/2019 15:23

Why? What purpose does OP knowing where her ex is living serve?

Does OP expect to have to inform her ex every time the kids are at a sleepover, on holiday or stay at grandparents etc until they are 18?

Does knowing where her kids are only apply at night or should her ex have to tell her where he is taking them during the day too?

10IAR · 14/03/2019 15:25

What purpose does OP knowing where her ex is living serve?

Telling her autistic child to prepare them for an enormous change in their life?

PutyourtoponTrevor · 14/03/2019 15:27

Pohle the ex knows where the kids will be living, OP has a right to know that too when they are with him.

Orangecookie · 14/03/2019 15:34

@phole I do find it annoying if you escalate a reasonable request - knowing where your kids are spending eow and with the main other parent - to knowing in minutiae of every outing.

They are obviously not the same.

That being said, ex hasn’t moved yet, so I’d allow some time for him, maybe he’s not sure yet.

PCohle · 14/03/2019 15:35

Isn't that her Ex's responsibility? Surely her role is just to support that and talk through moving in a more general sense.

She doesn't have that right though. I mean most people would certainly share that information and to be honest I imagine it will come out in the wash with hand-overs etc but I'm not sure on what legal basis you think OP has a right to know her ex-partners address?

CharlieCoCo · 14/03/2019 15:35

of course the OP should expect to know when her own kids are on holiday. she should expect to know where they live etc. people are so weird on here.

RomanyQueen1 · 14/03/2019 15:38

I hope he isn't expecting OP to collect and drop off kids then.
let him do the running around. Wtf if there was an emergency and she had no idea where her kids lived with their dad.
Htf is it controlling to want to know where your kids are living part time.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 14/03/2019 15:38

I was told by a high level judge I had to tell exh where his dc would be living when in my care.
The man who raped and mentally abused me had to know where I lived.
He had a solicitor write to me to complain I had blinds fitted so he was unable to see in my windows!!
True.

ChanandlerBongsLeftShoe · 14/03/2019 15:39

So all of you mothers calling op controlling would be happy letting your children stay somewhere unknown to you completely for a whole weekend or even week if he asked for a weeks holiday?

I agree OP should be informed once her exDp has moved into a new property however, I find posts like this a bit extreme. They are with their other parent at their home during their contact time, not a stranger. And unless OP tells us differently, we should assume that the ex his a good enough father that she can trust having their DC overnight.

Telling you would be the courteous thing to do I agree. Has he given any reason as to why he doesn't want to tell you OP?

Stalking his sale on rightmove is a bit bizarre imo.

Wheresthebeach · 14/03/2019 15:40

WTF? I'm a step mother, and I've had no end of issues with the kids mum so not a natural sympathiser. When we moved we had the bloody woman over for a glass of wine, and showed her the kids bedrooms! Basic courtesy really. I can't stand her but she is their mum and its better for the kids to behave like normal people.

Unless you're under a restraining order you should know! And of course time to prepare for your children, emotionally, about another change.

crosstalk · 14/03/2019 15:45

I can't understand people who think a mother of 4 children one autistic shouldn't know where their father lives when he takes them to school one day a week and has them every other weekend? The only possible reason I can think of is if she has been abusive and aggressive or hunted him and his current GF down. In which case there would be a restraining order?

Alternatively, OP's ExH may not have decided where to live yet and whether to live with his new GF, in which case not telling the kids where he's going to live (since he doesnt know) is just being careful especially with an autistic child who would get worried prematurely.

Orangecookie · 14/03/2019 15:46

Me too @wheresthebeach although DPs Ex used to let herself in but that’s a different story.

My fairly useless Ex had not seen where we’d moved to so I also invited him around for dinner. I really thought he deserved to have a sense of where his child was. He never returned the favour and hid where he lived for a long time. I asked but did not push him, and found out from DS anyway. To me it was slack parenting on his part, like he just didn’t think of us as coparents at all.

anniehm · 14/03/2019 15:46

Once it's close to completion it would be reasonable to inform you but not sure he has to. I presume though he will need to let you know for the children's handover.

itsbritneybiatches · 14/03/2019 15:46

Imagine if he didn't bring them back.

Try explaining that to the police.

Them - Where does he live?
You - No idea

My daughter is 5. I wouldn't let her go overnight away from me if I didn't know where she was.

Why the fuck would you?

My ex has issues with drinking and gambling, making really unsafe decisions about himself, debt issues, he's a liability.

I know where he lives because I paid £35 online for a company to search for me because he lies constantly.

He doesn't see her anyway at the moment as he is so unstable but there may be a day when he does. If a court orders it. I will absolutely have his address even if he isn't aware of that.

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 14/03/2019 15:51

As a fellow Mum to an Autistic child, I would ask your ex if he can make a little book with pictures of the house (even just the inside), the lounge, bathroom, her bedroom and where she will sleep. It’s like a passport to help children on the spectrum to cope with change. Tell him you don’t need to know where is house is but he needs to help prepare your dd for the move. Even if you don’t look at the book it is something that your dd can go to when she worries about the change.

I had to do this for every holiday/ classroom change when my ds was younger.

Alternatively he could FaceTime her and walk her around the house and showing her the new house and all of the above. You don’t even have to be in the room but he needs to step up and support your dd in what is a massive change for her!

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