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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to cancel the wedding?

80 replies

PurpleFresias · 14/03/2019 11:45

NC'd but long time mumsnetter

Been with partner for 3 years, wedding planned for this summer. He is a kind and loving man who dotes me and his DC.

For some time and to varying degrees I have become concerned about his drinking. Don't get me wrong, I like a glass (or four) or wine too, but not in secrecy. I confronted him over his 'secret' drinking a few months ago, he admitted it, said he would stop, but didn't follow up on my suggestions to seek help. (I know, I didn't cause it and can't cure it!). We started having more days with no drinking, but he has returned to drinking most days, sometimes excessively.

Fast forward to this week when I notice drinks are going missing and confront him again. I tell him I can no longer believe him as it's a repeat of the previous conversation, don't believe he can just stop, and ultimately I don't want to married to an alcoholic, or worse one who is in denial. This time he offers to get professional help, and has started the process.

Although I'm excited about the wedding, I wonder if we should cancel/postpone it now. . During our discussion this week I said we would make no further spend on the wedding in the coming month or so to assess where we were at. I now think that it's impossible highly unlikely that we'll be any clearer as to how much progress he is making in such a short time frame, against the shortened timeframe for the wedding.

Actually, I worry about our whole relationship, not just the wedding.

I'm kidding myself, aren't I?

OP posts:

ChampagneCommunist · 14/03/2019 11:47

At the very least, postpone it. He needs time to undertake treatment and you need time to see if he's serious and if the treatment work.

AntiHop · 14/03/2019 11:47

I'd postpone.

peachgreen · 14/03/2019 11:48

Definitely cancel the wedding. It's great that he's getting help and I agree it's worth seeing how that progresses (providing there's no other issues in the relationship) before making a decision about your future but it would be crazy to get married right now. Not least because being married to an alcoholic - even a sober one - is a big decision and you need time to consider it. Best of luck OP.

GarthFunkel · 14/03/2019 11:50

You're not ready to get married because he's lying about drinking. Cancel what you have sorted and if he makes changes, you can re-book for another time because as you say, a month isn't long enough.

Boulshired · 14/03/2019 11:51

He is an alcoholic if he wants to stop and cannot. As someone who married a gambling addict who managed to control it for a few months prior to our wedding, it came back immediately. You do not have enough time before the wedding to know how big the problem is.

Original poster

PurpleFresias · 14/03/2019 11:51

Thanks - seeing it in black and white, makes it real/obvious what I should do. We were also going to pay off his mortgage with the proceeds from the sale of my property in the next couple of months. I think I need to take a rain check on that too.

OP posts:

WarpedGalaxy · 14/03/2019 11:54

Yes. You are. He won’t stop until hewants to stop and the odds are he’ll never want to stop because the booze is more important to him than anything else including you, dc, your home, his job and his own health. 10 years from now you don’t want to be in the position I was in, still waiting and hoping he’d keep that promise he kept making longer than 2 months (my ex’s record) or even 2 weeks or even 2 fucking hours so you could go for an evening out without him being already half-cut before you left the house.

Sorry, but the only one who can change him is him and you either stay and suck that up or you take care of you and you walk away. My advice? Walk away - now.

thedisorganisedmum · 14/03/2019 11:54

I would postpone too and hope that it will shock him enough to get himself sorted, but only him can decide and can do it.

kingfisherblue33 · 14/03/2019 11:57

Actually, I worry about our whole relationship, not just the wedding.

You have your answer. Don't get married if you already have reservations and doubts about the relationship.

GabriellaMontez · 14/03/2019 11:59

Don't sell the property!

Sounds like things could get worse before they get better. You may need to leave.

lmusic87 · 14/03/2019 12:00

I'm so sorry - sounds stressful.

I agree, postpone and have a real discussion with him, he needs professional help.

Original poster

PurpleFresias · 14/03/2019 12:05

GabrielleaMontez I've already sold! We were going to buy another property together, but this is on hold, so was going to put my funds to good use. Looks like they'll be staying in the bank in case I need to leave. I realy hope it doesn't come to that.

OP posts:

GladAllOver · 14/03/2019 12:09

Alcohol is a powerful drug - its influence is even stronger than love. He can never be devoted to you while he is under its control.

I've seen it destroy a marriage.
Hopefully your postponement/cancellation of the wedding will be the trigger for him to get properly treated.

GabriellaMontez · 14/03/2019 12:15

Oh... really hope you can work something out. But doesn't sound like he wants to yet. So continue to protect yourself.

Glower · 14/03/2019 12:16

My friend postponed her wedding this year. The whole thing was in a hotel so they just moved all the room and venue bookings to the same weekend next year, it wasn’t too much trouble and no one minded.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 14/03/2019 12:20

I'd postpone it all too. Even if he does get help, and it goes well weddings are often trigger points for relapse

MaidofEyes · 14/03/2019 12:20

From experience of two members of my family - he will only stop drinking when he actually wants to. This might be tomorrow or it might be when his body has shut done and he's about to die.

The drinking is often (not always) a byproduct of depression or anxiety. If this is the case, this needs to be treated before the drinking will stop.

People do come out the other side of this, but if you don't have DC together, I would walk away. You could be in for years of problems and it will be really hard on all of you.

Loopytiles · 14/03/2019 12:21

Cancel, and rethink the relationship too.

Loopytiles · 14/03/2019 12:22

Keep your savings.

LividLaughLove · 14/03/2019 12:23

Been there. Done that.

Got the divorce and the dead ex to show for it.

Mitzimaybe · 14/03/2019 12:23

He lies and minimises and is doing the bare minimum to keep you on the hook. He has only agreed to seek help because you've given him an ultimatum. Unless he really, seriously wants to help himself, you are on a hiding to nothing. He probably doesn't see it as a problem, yet. He thinks he is in control and that you are being unreasonable.

Please don't marry him unless you want the rest of your life to be like this (and worse - it will definitely get worse.)

AcrossthePond55 · 14/03/2019 12:29

I'd never legally tie myself to anyone with an addiction, period.

Cancel the wedding, keep your money separate (and that means no joint finances), and think seriously about whether or not this is the way you want to live for the next 40-50 years. Then decide if you want to stay in the relationship.

Yes, some addicts do manage to clean up and stay sober/straight. And I say more credit to them!! But it's still a hard life for their families.

userxx · 14/03/2019 12:34

Do not marry him and do not hand over any money.

Lunde · 14/03/2019 12:37

Definitely cancel and rethink the relationship.

Do not risk losing your money by sharing finances with an alcoholic who is in denial.

Original poster

PurpleFresias · 14/03/2019 12:38

Thank you for all for helping me face the reality.

We will talk this evening and I will tell him we need to cancel the wedding. Obviously the future is uncertain too. I need to do some serious thinking. It's so much easier to keep going hoping that everything will be ok but I know from previous experience that's stupid. I was in an EA marriage for almost two decades before I summoned up the courage to leave, so when I met someone so loving I thought life was good ...

OP posts:

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