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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to cancel the wedding?

80 replies

PurpleFresias · 14/03/2019 11:45

NC'd but long time mumsnetter

Been with partner for 3 years, wedding planned for this summer. He is a kind and loving man who dotes me and his DC.

For some time and to varying degrees I have become concerned about his drinking. Don't get me wrong, I like a glass (or four) or wine too, but not in secrecy. I confronted him over his 'secret' drinking a few months ago, he admitted it, said he would stop, but didn't follow up on my suggestions to seek help. (I know, I didn't cause it and can't cure it!). We started having more days with no drinking, but he has returned to drinking most days, sometimes excessively.

Fast forward to this week when I notice drinks are going missing and confront him again. I tell him I can no longer believe him as it's a repeat of the previous conversation, don't believe he can just stop, and ultimately I don't want to married to an alcoholic, or worse one who is in denial. This time he offers to get professional help, and has started the process.

Although I'm excited about the wedding, I wonder if we should cancel/postpone it now. . During our discussion this week I said we would make no further spend on the wedding in the coming month or so to assess where we were at. I now think that it's impossible highly unlikely that we'll be any clearer as to how much progress he is making in such a short time frame, against the shortened timeframe for the wedding.

Actually, I worry about our whole relationship, not just the wedding.

I'm kidding myself, aren't I?

OP posts:

RomanyQueen1 · 14/03/2019 15:31

he sounds like an alcoholic and it will take much more than a couple of months to sort out his addiction and for him to be dry.
If you have children he will drink all their money, yours and his too.
It spirals and he'll have no control,
I'd think twice about a relationship with someone like this and wouldn't put my kids through it tbh.

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/03/2019 15:40

The thing is, he may not actually have a desire to stop drinking (despite what he says to you), and the more you push it OP, the more he will lie, and hide it. There are probably bottles hidden all over the house. If you wish to stay with him, obvs do so - with the awareness of what you are letting yourself in for, but please dont marry him!

Drum2018 · 14/03/2019 15:42

Well done on realising that he is an alcoholic and not being blinded by love. You still have a way out. I'd advise taking it. Don't put money into his house, call off the wedding and try to get some of the money already paid back, if possible. If he is serious about sorting himself out, happy days. However it could take time and you need to decide if you're willing to give up that time waiting on him to get better.

TapasForTwo · 14/03/2019 15:45

You would be unreasonable not to.

My SIL spends her weeks visiting her alcoholic husband in the care home he resides in. His long term drinking resulted in alcohol induced encephalopathy. His liver has 20% functionality and can't process the toxins in his body, resulting in brain damage. He now presents as someone with dementia and has a DoLS order (deprivation of liberty safeguards) as he cannot be trusted on his own.

She was advised to leave him years ago, but didn't. She has had a shit life with him. His children hate him and have less respect for their mother for staying with him. Do you want this?

Mildmanneredmum · 14/03/2019 15:47

LividLaughLove Me too

DaisyBD · 14/03/2019 15:54

run for the fucking hills (speaking as a recovering alkie) and whatever you do don't let him have any of your money. good luck x

Jaxhog · 14/03/2019 16:15

Cancel the wedding. Unless you're marrying a toy boy, I would guess that you are both in middle/later life. Live with him if you must, but buy your own house in your own name.

Please don't throw away your security and life by marrying someone who is almost certainly very set in his alcoholic ways. You deserve better.

Missingstreetlife · 14/03/2019 16:30

Is this new? I expect there is history, why did he break up with dc mum? Can you speak to his ex, other family?
Definately no to wedding and joint finances now. Prepare for heartache, sorry op.

Original poster

PurpleFresias · 14/03/2019 17:15

Again, thanks for the advice and support. I may speak to his family to find out if this has been an issue in the past that v they're aware of but they're not local so he may have hidden it.

I don't believe it's the reason he split with EW but interestingly she's with a tee totaller now! I could speak to her too, but she has been manipulative and I'm not sure it wouldn't get back to him.

DP and I have discussed this afternoon. he is adamant he can fix the addiction but I'm not sure, or for what period he'll be sober.

oh God, I'm too old (but not wise apparently) to be dealing with this shit.

to the poster whose DH took a chance on her, fab, I'm so glad it worked out, but you do seem to be in the minority.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 14/03/2019 17:18

If he has an alcohol problem he may well be unsuitable to be in sole charge of his DC, especially if DC are small.

MissConductUS · 14/03/2019 17:53

to the poster whose DH took a chance on her, fab, I'm so glad it worked out, but you do seem to be in the minority.

I had also been sober for a few years when we married, which was quite different that someone who is just trying to quit. Once you get past a year the odds for long term abstinence go up considerably.

he is adamant he can fix the addiction but I'm not sure, or for what period he'll be sober.

Addiction of any kind is fundamentally a medical issue, so it can't be fixed, only treated.

Good luck OP, sorry this derailed your plans, but better to find out now than after you got married.

WarpedGalaxy · 14/03/2019 18:38

Actually, it wouldn't be a bad idea per MissConductUS (well done btw) to set him a timeframe in which he has to remain sober before you'll even consider starting up the wedding plans again. Only having acknowledged to yourself that you can't save him you should give yourself a timeframe too for how long you are prepared to go on resetting the clock when/if he falls off the wagon.

Believe me it's so easy to wake up one morning and find 2, 5, 10 years have passed and nothing has changed. Good luck, OP.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/03/2019 20:06

MissConduct we've 'run into each other' on threads about alcohol and once again, I salute you.

Purple the main thing to remember is that he has to want to stop drinking for himself. Not for you and not to meet an arbitrary date. For himself. So before you give him a deadline date to stay sober, realize that he may very well be able to meet that deadline because in the back of his mind he'll be thinking "only until XXX date", even if it's a subconscious thought. He has to want to stop drinking for the rest of his life.

Personally, if you do decide to try to work it out with him and see what happens, I would take marriage off the table, permanently. And I would make sure that I was never financially dependent on him.

I know of alcoholics who have been sober for 30+ years. I know of some who've never managed 1 year. My brother has been sober now for 4 years and he still says sobriety is like dancing on the edge of a cliff. It feels so good to dance, but that cliff edge is always in the corner of your vision.

I wish your DP well and hope he finds the determination to stop drinking for himself.

laraitopbanana · 14/03/2019 20:11

Yes postpone and clarify this before getting married.
A commitment should be made on a full understanding of what and whom you are committing to.

Original poster

PurpleFresias · 14/03/2019 22:04

update .. wedding is off indefinitely. DP called an old friend earlier who came over this evening to speak to us. He is an alcoholic who has been sober for 6 years and had some words of advice for DP and a glimmer of hope for me. He's taking DP to an AA meeting tomorrow.

OP posts:

Missingstreetlife · 14/03/2019 22:10

Good work. This is your best hope but don't hold your breath, and don't think it's fixed too soon.

Inertia · 14/03/2019 22:29

Whatever you do, don't give him the proceeds of your house sale, either as cash or to pay off his mortgage. He'll drink everything you've ever worked and saved for. To be honest, you'd probably want advice about whether that'd be wise even if you were still planning to marry- you'd need some way to protect your funds.

youaremyrain · 14/03/2019 22:33

By all means speak to his family but ime they are very likely to minimise as there will be alcoholic/enabling behaviours throughout the family that they probably don't want to face up to.

Alcoholism is a family disease.

My exh was a functioning alcoholic, I realised and spoke to his family who all made me out to be some overeacting drama queen. I then realised that exFIL was an alcoholic in denial too etc

Try al anon for yourself too, it's very interesting and helpful (can help you to see why you subconsciously chose an alcoholic)

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 14/03/2019 22:52

All the best OP. I have some experience of this and think you've made the right decision. He sounds like he needs help. Hopefully he'll recognise that.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/03/2019 23:12

I'm very glad. Him taking the initiative to reach out is a very good thing. Now, it's up to him.

Support him, but let him find his own way. And keep your independence.

Mitzimaybe · 15/03/2019 10:52

That's very brave of you. I hope things work out well - but if not, be prepared to just walk away. It is not up to you to fix him nor even support him through whatever, if it takes too much of a toll on you.

userxx · 15/03/2019 11:05

"In my experience, people who are thinking about money aren't in love" What nonsense!!! People who are financially better off than their future husband/wife would be incredibly stupid to not thing about the logistics of money.

Glad you've called the wedding off. He needs to be sober for x amount of years before you tie yourself to him, even then its a gamble.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 15/03/2019 11:24

In my experience, people who are thinking about money aren't in love.

Whoa. That was harsh.

I was concerned about my husband to be talking about money both now and in the future. But I then realised/understood that he wanted to make sure we had good/sound financial plans or financial underpinning so that HAD a future. Which was logical, really.

Anyway, back on topic.

Oh, and OP. Sorry but you should cancel the wedding and re-think the relationship. You've been given some good advice. Especially by those who have gone through it.

Loopytiles · 15/03/2019 12:24

That sounds positive OP, hope your DP takes action to address his issues.

Do consider Al Anon and support for yourself.

M4J4 · 15/03/2019 12:35

In my experience, people who are thinking about money aren't in love.

And this is the reason why a lot of women end up with nothing when their partner leaves them, because society makes them think love is more important than financial independence. It's not.

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