AIBU to cancel the wedding?

[PurpleFresias]

NC'd but long time mumsnetter

Been with partner for 3 years, wedding planned for this summer. He is a kind and loving man who dotes me and his DC.

For some time and to varying degrees I have become concerned about his drinking. Don't get me wrong, I like a glass (or four) or wine too, but not in secrecy. I confronted him over his 'secret' drinking a few months ago, he admitted it, said he would stop, but didn't follow up on my suggestions to seek help. (I know, I didn't cause it and can't cure it!). We started having more days with no drinking, but he has returned to drinking most days, sometimes excessively.

Fast forward to this week when I notice drinks are going missing and confront him again. I tell him I can no longer believe him as it's a repeat of the previous conversation, don't believe he can just stop, and ultimately I don't want to married to an alcoholic, or worse one who is in denial. This time he offers to get professional help, and has started the process.

Although I'm excited about the wedding, I wonder if we should cancel/postpone it now. . During our discussion this week I said we would make no further spend on the wedding in the coming month or so to assess where we were at. I now think that it's impossible highly unlikely that we'll be any clearer as to how much progress he is making in such a short time frame, against the shortened timeframe for the wedding.

Actually, I worry about our whole relationship, not just the wedding.

I'm kidding myself, aren't I?

update .. wedding is off indefinitely. DP called an old friend earlier who came over this evening to speak to us. He is an alcoholic who has been sober for 6 years and had some words of advice for DP and a glimmer of hope for me. He's taking DP to an AA meeting tomorrow.

That's good. Hope he gets the help and support he needs. I just feel it's a knee jerk reaction because he's panicking about losing you.

If he's trying to prove to you that he's changed I feel there may be pressure and blackmail coming from him to you. Like he's saying or there's an unspoken, 'come on love, I've done everything you want.'

Just brace yourself for seeing him with someone else looking happy. At least you are spared the chore of him saying how long he's been sober i.e. days or years months days etc. If you tried to help or support him you might find yourself living the AA way. I mean, why should forgo a drink or a social occasion because of Mr. I don't drink.

M4j4 never a truer word spoken

And this is the reason why a lot of women end up with nothing when their partner leaves them, because society makes them think love is more important than financial independence. It's not

Women that think that money is more important than love get called gold diggers. Or that they have their eye on the main chance. Or remarks like, 'he's not earning enough to come to her attention' get thrown at her.

'Society makes them think that love is more important than money'

Yep, that's the patriarchal society.

Please dont do it until there are significant changes. I stayed with a man with a drinking problem for 12 years and it almost broke me. Life since I left has been amazing. Good luck

Totally agree M4