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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to cancel the wedding?

80 replies

PurpleFresias · 14/03/2019 11:45

NC'd but long time mumsnetter

Been with partner for 3 years, wedding planned for this summer. He is a kind and loving man who dotes me and his DC.

For some time and to varying degrees I have become concerned about his drinking. Don't get me wrong, I like a glass (or four) or wine too, but not in secrecy. I confronted him over his 'secret' drinking a few months ago, he admitted it, said he would stop, but didn't follow up on my suggestions to seek help. (I know, I didn't cause it and can't cure it!). We started having more days with no drinking, but he has returned to drinking most days, sometimes excessively.

Fast forward to this week when I notice drinks are going missing and confront him again. I tell him I can no longer believe him as it's a repeat of the previous conversation, don't believe he can just stop, and ultimately I don't want to married to an alcoholic, or worse one who is in denial. This time he offers to get professional help, and has started the process.

Although I'm excited about the wedding, I wonder if we should cancel/postpone it now. . During our discussion this week I said we would make no further spend on the wedding in the coming month or so to assess where we were at. I now think that it's impossible highly unlikely that we'll be any clearer as to how much progress he is making in such a short time frame, against the shortened timeframe for the wedding.

Actually, I worry about our whole relationship, not just the wedding.

I'm kidding myself, aren't I?

OP posts:

GregoryPeckingDuck · 14/03/2019 12:39

Please leave him. Alcoholics always have underlying issues. Even if they ditch the habit (which many do successfully) his issues whatever they are will cause problems.

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/03/2019 12:43

Dont do it. My ex was unemployed when I married him (he got sacked when he told them he was taking annual leave to get married - to be fair, not his fault that one). Over the course of our marriage, he proceeded to lose his business, our holiday home and countless other financial things - I put up with it - don't be me. From his perspective it was always someone elses fault. Towards the end generally it was mine apparently, despite my paying for pretty much everything...

Springwalk · 14/03/2019 12:44

I am sorry to say you will have a lifetime of living with an alcoholic if you marry him.

I would end the relationship sadly, and start again whilst you still can.

JaneEyre07 · 14/03/2019 12:47

Walk away. His addiction will always come before you, he won't be able to help it.

Life really is too precious to waste

potatosaladnquiche · 14/03/2019 12:59

Definitely postpone at the very least OP.

Wanting to stop really needs to come from within himself. He could manage to physically stop in the coming months but if he doesn't really accept that he has a problem and want to stop yet it will always creep back in. And sadly I don't think such an ultimatum is enough to spark the realisation, he will need to reach his "rock bottom" first.

I have a family member who's drinking was the downfall of his first 15 year marriage to the mother of his 2 kids.. Went to rehab many times through the marriage for his wife who would beg him to (always ended up drinking again) but after the break up still couldn't accept that his drinking was the reason (its everyone else's fault).

It took the breakdown of his second marriage to the mother of another 2 children for the penny to drop for him - his drinking was problematic and it wasn't everyone else in the world causing his problems. It took all of this for him to even be able to admit to himself that he has a problem. The previous 30 years were filled with denial.

He is now a long time sober so yes obviously it can be done, but you don't need to put yourself through waiting for it, it is not your responsibility.

My point is, there's nothing you can do to spark his realisation if he doesn't truly believe that he has a problem. Please please look after yourself and don't waste years trying to do something you can't do.

MollysLips · 14/03/2019 13:05

We were also going to pay off his mortgage with the proceeds from the sale of my property in the next couple of months. I think I need to take a rain check on that too.

this week I said we would make no further spend on the wedding in the coming month or so to assess where we were at

You don't love him. You loved how much he loved you, especially after your previous 20 years of EA awfulness, but that's probably it. In my experience, people who are thinking about money aren't in love.

So cut your losses. You don't have to get married to stay together, even. Let him sort his drinking out and either cohabit, or move out and on with your life.

MissConductUS · 14/03/2019 13:05

Not least because being married to an alcoholic - even a sober one - is a big decision and you need time to consider it. Best of luck OP.

I agree with this but wanted to add that I'm glad my DH took a chance on marrying me. I had been sober about three years when we got married. So he's spent over 20 years living with an alcoholic and don't think he has any regrets. I'll be sober 25 years at the end of this month.

OP, he does need to be getting help and sober for at least a year, preferably more, before getting married, and there's the chance that he may never get there, but it's not impossible.

Original poster

PurpleFresias · 14/03/2019 13:17

MollysLips I don't agree. Yes, I am significantly better of financially than my DP but why should I put a significant sum into a house which isn't in my name at this point when our relationship may not survive his drinking issue. Regarding spending for the wedding, it was just a way of pressing pause on the wedding.

OP posts:

MollysLips · 14/03/2019 13:39

I wasn't trying to imply you're being stingey. You're absolutely right not to put your money into his house, especially when the future is uncertain.

I just wonder if there's more to this than his drinking. Maybe you had found other things about him that you weren't sure about too? I don't know, it's pure conjecture. It's just the way you talk about him, something about the tone, doesn't seem emotional somehow. If you were my friend IRL I'd be asking if you'd just gone off him, drinking or no drinking.

peachgreen · 14/03/2019 13:50

@MissConductUS 25 years is amazing, well done. I didn't mean to imply that marrying an alcoholic is a bad decision - just that it's a big one and needs to be undertaken with thought and care.

SofaSurfer20 · 14/03/2019 13:54

I would. He's lying to you

MissConductUS · 14/03/2019 13:57

I didn't mean to imply that marrying an alcoholic is a bad decision - just that it's a big one and needs to be undertaken with thought and care.

That's exactly how I read it and I didn't infer any ill will on your part at all. You were spot on. It was a big decision for DH. I was just trying to make the point that it doesn't always turn out badly.

Thanks for the "well done".

CantStopMeNow · 14/03/2019 14:38

We were also going to pay off his mortgage with the proceeds from the sale of my property in the next couple of months

I hope you were planning on doing this AFTER taking legal advice and having your contribution ringfenced in the event of a split/him pissing money up the wall?

JellyBaby666 · 14/03/2019 14:45

Contact ALANON, they'll be able to offer support to you.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ (for friends and family of alcoholics)

FizzyGreenWater · 14/03/2019 14:48

We were also going to pay off his mortgage with the proceeds from the sale of my property in the next couple of months. I think I need to take a rain check on that too.

Jesus NO.

Don't do this now, don't do this EVER without a cast-iron guarantee that you'd get your money back in the event of a divorce.

But - I can't see for a moment how it makes sense for you to do this at all, really.

And definitely cancel the wedding - for a LONG time. Couple of years. At least.

Don't mess around with alcoholism.

timeisnotaline · 14/03/2019 14:52

In my experience, people who are thinking about money aren't in love.
That is either very badly phrased or very unfair and untrue, I suspect the latter. You can love someone and still recognise bad signs. It’s really important to be financially aware. I love my husband, we got engaged and I sat down and did a budget with him. More marriages break up over finances than anything else I think- it’s not that there isn’t love, but If there is a clash with finances or someone isn’t being fair then don’t be a doormat.

RubyRedBerry · 14/03/2019 14:52

Similar situation to a friend of mine, only she married him. It lasted 18 months, she left him because of the constant drinking. He was even hiding cans in the garage. The wedding cost over 15k. what a waste of money huh! i'd most definitely want the drinking under control 1st.

Loopytiles · 14/03/2019 14:55

God, don’t use your money to pay off his mortgage!!!

Happynow001 · 14/03/2019 15:08

Wise idea to cancel ( not just postpone as that will put a time pressure on you both) and keep your funds safely in your own hands as you may well need it before too long.

Also might be used to check out Al Anon for your own information.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Good luck OP. 🌹

Happynow001 · 14/03/2019 15:14

Congratulations MissConductUS! KOKO! 🌈

Justaboy · 14/03/2019 15:16

He's a addict, so he's off to AA a soon as they'll take him he is also TOTALLY off the booze before you get married.

You have been well advised now!

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/03/2019 15:20

If you are anything like me, you love the person you THINK he is/Want him to be, not the person he ACTUALLY is. That is a hard lesson to learn and defo better done when not married....

claragolightly · 14/03/2019 15:21

Not unreasonable. Postpone. Keep the proceeds from your house separate.

Sorry you're having to deal with this x

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 14/03/2019 15:23

Please cancel the wedding. I married gambling addict (his parents helped hide it and I only found out the true extent less then a month before out wedding). I massively regret going through with it (split up less then a year and a half later). Addiction will ruin your life.

MissConductUS · 14/03/2019 15:30

He's a addict, so he's off to AA a soon as they'll take him

Just to clarify, the only requirement for membership in AA is a desire to stop drinking. It's not unusual for people to come before they've actually quit. It's actually quite useful for them to meet people who have built full and happy lives without alcohol. That doesn't seem possible to most active alcoholics.

Thanks Happynow001 I have had no desire to drink for many years, so it's not much of a challenge at this point.

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