no one could ever love me

[minesthecutest]

so I do post a bit but never usually about relationships, as mine has ups and downs but that's normal.
This morning on our way to hospital I spilt a bit of my coffee in the car, DH sighed gave me a tissue and said you're lucky I love you coz no one else could.. I laughed and said what over spilt coffee and he said
no not that, just you're clumsy and shy and you have kids and your hairs already turning grey and I just think if we split up now you'd be alone forever.
I have no idea where this came from, we've been fine and afterwards he was back to usual and I asked him why he said it he said he was just tired and musing over things and was honest as I've always asked him to be honest.
out of anger I told him I'd be fine alone I'm not bad looking , he said no I think you're really pretty but there's a lot prettier out there.
He has never ever said things like this before and I feel heartbroken.
I don't get where this is coming from

“I can dye my hair but you’ll always be a dickhead” may be a more appropriate response.

Oh Christ - crossposted with your update. Your Husband is seriously insecure and bringing you down to try and elevate himself. Nasty.

FFS.

No one nice would think those things let alone say them. He’s not nice.

He gropes you but doesn’t give you affection, puts you down and makes you think you’re unlovable.

He’s a nasty git but he’s clearly done a number on you. You’ll see it eventually - hopefully before he’s ruined your self-worth.

He sounds horrible. I'm guessing at he's very insecure and worrying you could leave so he's trying to keep you down and needy.

"he actually said men would love to have sex with you but they won't love you"

He's 'nice' on his own terms, isn't he? When he is being 'nice' its all about how it makes him feel about himself for being 'nice' . Its' not about you. Because he's prepared to put you down in the most appalling way and make you feel shit about yourself.

I'm not minimising he really is a nice person most of the time! I am certainly not happy with him today and he knows it, when I said about the comments on looks he actually said men would love to have sex with you but they won't love you

No-one is horrible all the time OP. If they were, we would leave them very quickly. He'll be nice just enough to keep you saying "he's nice most of the time". Why on earth would he say others won't love you, but he does? Think about it?

I'm with a new "boyfriend" for want of a better term for a middle-aged man I'm dating. I know full well that many women would find him attractive. I mean I do, so why wouldn't they? It should be the same for any couple. If you like that person, other people will do. So the only reason you would tell them different is to manipulate them.

He sounds like he is an insecure fucking prick trying to make you one. I'd be looking to bin him.

I am taking this all in, he has apologised now but I think I need my space.
The issue is that I know I have really low self esteem, even when I try to ignore this it's not as simple as that. I am going to work on myself and build myself up, I do really try but this has knocked me down badly.

Oh OP this hurt my heart when I read it, a really terrible thing to say to someone you love ❤️

I'd be packing his bags and telling him to jog on. Those comments were emotionally abusive and there is no excuse for that, and no going back.

You are minimising .
Your first post about what he said is definitely not lighthearted or joking.

I am not surprised it has knocked you down. It was probably meant to .

You hit the nail on the head - he's noticed you looking lovely and wants to drag you down and make you doubt yourself. In reality, he's scared you'll realise what an insensitive shit he's been all along and that you'll run off with somebody who truly appreciates you. Do it. Do it now.

I think you need to sit down with him and make him tell you his real feelings. As others have said, he's 'negging' you and knows full well he's reducing your self esteem even further. Seems like he has no respect for you.

I made my partner incredibly mad a couple of months ago and the worst he said was that the grass in my back garden was shit. Zero personal attacks and nothing that could be taken the wrong way is the way it should be with your partner.
I've had an ex that made little comments to wear me down and it made me feel like shit. Please don't let him do this to you much longer.

Nice to see your husband sees your worth in how many men would want to have sex with you! Is he into cuckholding?

Wow, just.... wow!
What an absolute arsehole.

no he's definitely not into cuckholding I think he thinks it's a compliment when he says that or hrs just over excited at the time

Honestly I'm beginning to realise I don't have as great a relationship as I thought I did.
Last night he was holding me in bed because he said he was sorry and could see i was hurt, then 5 seconds later he's all gropey again and telling me to take my pants off .
He knew how tired I was and how upset so he knew I wasn't in the mood but he can't be affectionate ever without wanting sex.
maybe what he said is a reflection of how he feels, he wants to have sex but doesn't love me

@minesthecutest OP I can't even explain quite why as I'm not sure but for some reason your posts have really made my heart hurt - you say repeatedly how he is nice but he's said some incredibly cruel things.

What would you honestly say to your kids if their partner said those things to them when they are adults? It makes me teary reading stuff he said and I don't even know you! Life's too short to feel shit.

And you say you have a great sex life but lots of your comments imply that when it comes to sex you feel like a piece of meat being pawed at not a valued partner he's wrapped up in and shows love for.

You poor thing :(

Am so sad for you. You do not see your worth and he makes sure you never will. Can't show affection without it turning to sex? Try not letting him for a while and see how quickly his nice veneer drops to make you feel guilty for refusing him and grateful he wants you. Just see how nice he is then.

I’m so sorry, that must have really hurt...he’s not a nice man whatever you may think, he’s cruel and calculated and has you believing he isn’t because your self esteem is so poor. No one who loved you would treat you this way.

I had an ex like this. Note the word ex! I put up with it and actually adored this man who treated me so badly. My friends and family constantly asked why I was with him and I’d always, always defend him believing him to be misunderstood and...more importantly, believing he was right about me deep down inside. One day I started reading a book called “Women who love too much”. And not long after that I found the courage to distance himself from him for good.

It was hard at first because I still loved him but once I got a bit of distance, I could see exactly just how awful he was and how emotionally abusive the relationship was. Within six weeks I couldn’t see anything good about him at all.

When you create distance with this type of man, they will try and do anything to get back in favour with you. Promise you the earth, tell you you mean everything to them etc. The minute they have you where they want to they will be cruel and rejecting. Whenever I dressed up or looked good or another man paid me attention my ex would be horrible and go for the cruelest thing he could say. I’d back away from the relationship and he’d love bomb me.

Your man sounds deeply insecure and obsessed that he might lose you because deep down inside he’s afraid you’ll realise the truth - you are far, far too good for him and he doesn’t deserve you. That is the truth OP.

Another thing helped me ditch him. Realising that any child I had with this man would be treated the same way by him eventually. I couldn’t do that to a little person who didn’t understand why their Dad could be so cruel. I knew they’d blame themselves like I blamed myself. So I walked away.

It’s easy for me to say do the same so I won’t.

I think you need to insist on couples counselling. Or get the hell away from him.

He’s not helping your self esteem at all.

I don't know how I feel after reading all this.
If i thought he'd done no wrong then I wouldn't have posted so obviously I'm aware it was bad what he said.
I need to sit and re-evaluate everything.
I just don't think he's a romantic guy he never has been but I'm sure he loves me.

that's horrible!

Sound awfully corny, but a partner should lift you up, and make you feel happy and good about yourself.

You can laugh at each other, saying "no one else would love you because you are so clumsy" as a joke would be just that. It's funny.

I just think if we split up now you'd be alone forever sorry, but that's just being a twat. Nothing to do with being a romantic.

I wouldn't even say those things to someone I actively disliked.
Sorry op I hope you're ok.

Wow. Your partner is a real little ray of sunshine isn’t he? I take it that he is of course a real catch and not a miserable bit?