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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

no one could ever love me

103 replies

minesthecutest · 13/03/2019 14:12

so I do post a bit but never usually about relationships, as mine has ups and downs but that's normal.
This morning on our way to hospital I spilt a bit of my coffee in the car, DH sighed gave me a tissue and said you're lucky I love you coz no one else could.. I laughed and said what over spilt coffee and he said
no not that, just you're clumsy and shy and you have kids and your hairs already turning grey and I just think if we split up now you'd be alone forever. Hmm
I have no idea where this came from, we've been fine and afterwards he was back to usual and I asked him why he said it he said he was just tired and musing over things and was honest as I've always asked him to be honest.
out of anger I told him I'd be fine alone I'm not bad looking , he said no I think you're really pretty but there's a lot prettier out there.
He has never ever said things like this before and I feel heartbroken.
I don't get where this is coming from

OP posts:
Belenus · 13/03/2019 16:33

He's a good person not nasty to me and has never said I'm ugly, he has said things like I don't mind your stretch marks because it's my DC you have birth to but other men would.

That is nasty and very, very manipulative. It's labelling you as his and I would say he's deliberately chipping away at your self esteem so you don't have the confidence to leave him. He shouldn't be mentioning what other men might think at all, and certainly not in a negative light. He's also ensuring that what he says is just slightly maybe off in your eyes, but not too much, not enough to really ring alarm bells for you. My bet is he has been ratcheting this up for a while and he'll continue to do so. He's got you so you think this is reasonable - but those of us on the outside hearing it for the first time can see it for what it is. It is nasty and it is manipulative. Sorry OP.

Loopytiles · 13/03/2019 16:37

This kind of “negging” is nasty and would be a deal breaker for me.

Loopytiles · 13/03/2019 16:38

Ditto the gaslighting when you pulled him up on it.

Your self esteem won’t improve while you live with someone coming out with this kind of shit.

EnglishRose13 · 13/03/2019 16:38

Fucking hell. That's brutal.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 13/03/2019 16:42

He sounds horrible OP

Yes honesty is good. If you'd asked how many men would fancy you out of 100. But you didn't
How the fuck he has managed to turn a drop of spilled coffee into 'no one will love you'.....what!?!? Everyone has good points and bad points. Every single person. And he's just listed all yours (including HIS OWN CHILDREN - I mean wtf again!?). Because no one with kids and grey hair has ever had a new relationship!!

And the stretch marks comment...Just nasty.

All of this is designed to subtley draw attention to your 'faults' in a way that's meant to absolve himself of blame (I was just being honest! I said I didn't mind your stretch marks!) but make you feel bad about yourself and grateful that he 'loves' you (because nothing shows how much you love someone than ruining their self esteem)

I agree he is insecure and wants you to feel bad about yourself and grateful to have him.

How does he act if you get a new outfit and make an effort and go out?

How does he know no man would ever want you anyway, does he go around showing random people your picture? Realistically he has no idea who does or doesn't find you attractive as not all men think the same.

Are you going to put up with this behaviour for ever or call him out on it next time?

Whatsername7 · 13/03/2019 16:52

He is gaslighting you.

Singlenotsingle · 13/03/2019 16:56

He's putting you down. Not something we do to someone we love.

Singlenotsingle · 13/03/2019 17:01

Is he gorgeous, OP? No grey hair, no love handles, pumped and fit? It reminds me of the appalling things Arg (a fat man) said to Gemma about her weight! Pot kettle black.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 13/03/2019 17:02

OP, do not, not, NOT internalize this. It's his issue, not yours.

Your comment that you have low self-esteem is illuminating; do you know why this is the case? Does this issue come from within the marriage, or does it stem from another cause? I think the mask might have slipped for a moment and given you a momentary indication of who he really is.

This isn't throwaway criticism: it's cruelty. I'd be watching his behaviour very carefully in future. Whatever the case, this was something you did not deserve to hear Flowers Flowers

HisBetterHalf · 13/03/2019 17:23

sorry but he sounds a twat

patsycrime · 13/03/2019 17:32

I suspect he very well knows what a catch you are! He sounds insecure & as though he's trying to make YOU believe no one else would have you Wink

Onescaredmuma · 13/03/2019 17:35

Ouch it sounds like he's trying to destroy your self esteem. Sad

PlasticPatty · 13/03/2019 17:36

He's a cunt and this is classic undermining. Mental cruelty. Emotional abuse. The fact that he slips it in as normal conversation shows how skilful and practised he is at doing it.

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, woman, and look with clear view at the way he treats you.

Maybe try the much vaunted Freedom Programme.

Then when you are angry enough, silently make your plans.

Wearywithteens · 13/03/2019 17:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Klopptimist · 13/03/2019 18:14

OK, so he's good looking. That means jack shit. Loads of men are good looking. Should they reveal themselves to be complete tosspots, they instantly become a very ugly person.

ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 13/03/2019 18:16

There is one type of person who says this sort of thing, OP, and that is a complete fucking arsehole.

HarrysOwl · 13/03/2019 18:22

Honestly? It sounds like your OP dripfeeds lots of unnecessary, nasty comments and he's the reason for your low self esteem.

Keep building yours up. Don't let him affect how you feel - do not tie your idea of worth with his comments.

Buggeritimgettingup · 13/03/2019 18:34

He's a wassock, what a horrible man. I guarantee you you're worth a hundred of him.

MadisonMontgomery · 13/03/2019 18:39

Sorry, but he isn’t a nice person at all. Tbh I would be thinking very hard whether I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone who clearly doesn’t like me very much.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 13/03/2019 18:40

As other posters have said this is a cleverly worded put down, he just got sloppy. Think long and hard about what he has said before and what he actually meant. You may find a lot starts to unravel.

Flowers
steff13 · 13/03/2019 18:45

He sounds spiteful and insecure; he thinks you're out of his league and the only way to keep you is to damage your self-esteem by negging you.

This is exactly what I think too. He doesn't want you to realize that you could do better.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 13/03/2019 18:54

Sounds like he's trying to erode your self esteem so you don't leave him.

IrisAnon · 13/03/2019 18:56

Gosh, your post has particularly hit a nerve with me.
I agree - he's scared you might do better. Reeks of insecurity.
If it were me, I'd be dressing up even more, recognising my own worth and letting him know that I (and others) think I'm great.
You don't deserve that OP. It is horrible, bullying and insidious behaviour aimed to make you feel insecure. Not how an actual partner should behave.

MatildaTheCat · 13/03/2019 19:02

After 30 years of marriage I can honestly say that my DH, who is far from perfect, has never said anything so nasty.

Personal comments perfectly designed to bring you down. So when he’s annoyed with you no other man would want you. Yet when he’s pleased with you, during sex, lots of other men would want you. And get this- in neither example do you have any choice. You would simply be lucky to be chosen.

Keep an eye on this. Don’t be sad, be bloody angry. You are a woman who can make her own choices as to who she is with. Remind him of this.

Original poster
minesthecutest · 13/03/2019 19:07

I do agree with you all, I'm not minimising he really is a nice person most of the time! I am certainly not happy with him today and he knows it, when I said about the comments on looks he actually said men would love to have sex with you but they won't love youSad.
The rest of the time he literally is a good person, he spends his time with us and if I need help with things he's always there, whatever I want he will do his best to help me get there.
I don't like this side if him and I don't know what made him say it I know it wasn't just the coffee but that seemed to set him off

OP posts: