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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep secret from DH

121 replies

Ladyinglitter · 12/03/2019 15:18

So I haven't done this yet but am thinking about it. Namechanged as a bit outing

We have 3DCs and don't want more children. Up to now I have always been in charge of contraception. when I was pregnant, DH offered to get the snip which I gratefully accepted. DC3 is nearly 18 months now and he has done nothing about it. We are using condoms which he hates but I don't mind. However, I want to be really sure I won't get pregnant so am thinking of getting a Merina fitted again.

If I tell him, he will stop using condoms and never get the vasectomy he promised. The only leverage I have is that he hates using condoms.

WIBU to get the coil and not tell him?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 12/03/2019 15:21

No you wouldn't

PinkHeart5914 · 12/03/2019 15:21

If you want the coil then get it! It’s your body and if you don’t want to get pregnant you have the responsibility to take steps to stop that happening

I don’t think you have to mention it to your dh if you don’t wish

nutbrownhare15 · 12/03/2019 15:22

Yanbu

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 12/03/2019 15:23

YANBU at all

10IAR · 12/03/2019 15:24

In almost all circumstances I wouldn't consider lying to your DH acceptable.

This is one of the circumstances where I'd say absolutely do it. For your own sanity!

Original poster
Ladyinglitter · 12/03/2019 15:24

I don't have any qualms about getting it, it is just keeping it a secret I feel a bit bad about.

OP posts:
Crockof · 12/03/2019 15:26

When I had it my dh could feel the strands. Tbh I wouldn't want to go back on the coil, I will probably be flamed but I wouldn't be having sex

BackInGreen · 12/03/2019 15:27

It's your body and that's a choice that can be private imo. He's being a selfish dick anyway.

peachgreen · 12/03/2019 15:28

No way would I be putting hormones into my body and going through the discomfort of a coil insertion just because my DH wouldn't get a bloody move on and do what he had promised.

LuckyLou7 · 12/03/2019 15:30

Get the coil. If he's put off organising a vasectomy for this long, he's probably having second thoughts about the procedure. Some men are squeamish about having surgery on their testicles. For my DH, it took an unplanned 4th pregnancy (we'd decided we'd completed our family after 3 DC) to persuade him to book an appointment - they did the procedure at the GP surgery. My 4th child was a delightful surprise, despite everything.

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 12/03/2019 15:31

God no I wouldn’t tell him! Lazy bastard. Have you had a conversation about vasectomy recently?

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2019 15:31

It's a private medical decision and therefore fine to not tell him if you choose.

However, you shouldn't need 'leverage'. He offered, you'd always done everything, you've carried and birthed three babies. Time for him to step up. Frank discussion time.

Original poster
Ladyinglitter · 12/03/2019 15:32

He hasn't once been to the doctor in the 18 years I have known him so I knew it was a bit optimistic Grin

OP posts:
Mishappening · 12/03/2019 15:36

Well I think he is being a prize wimp and very inconsiderate. It is you who will have to go through a pregnancy if a slip-up occurs.

My OH baulked at it, but when he saw it was putting me off sex he had it done. Ironically a short while after I needed a hysterectomy! Belt and braces job.

I would say to your OH that he needs to man up and get it done. If he still does not do it, then by all means take any necessary steps and it becomes no more of his business.

Original poster
Ladyinglitter · 12/03/2019 15:37

I am also not unhappy with the status quo. I like using condoms so I can lie in bed afterwards and he has to trot off to the freezing bathroom.

Coil was never a problem for me so I don't mind getting it.

We do have conversations but I don't think it is likely to happen.

I just don't want the stress of an unplanned pregnancy and although he would never try and force me to have a termination, we would really struggle with another baby.

OP posts:
GottaGoGottaGo · 12/03/2019 15:39

I wouldn't lie to my husband over something like this, if he finds out he might think that it's okay for him to lie about things too and who decides whether your lie is worse than his...

I think you need to sit him down and have a reasonable conversation (why does no-one do this anymore?) and ask him why he is putting it off. Then deal with his answer. Frankly I would just tell him he has X amount of time (whatever you feel is appropriate for you) and if he hasn't got an appointment by that time then sex is off the table until he does get one as you don't want to end up pregnant due to a condom failing!

DarlingNikita · 12/03/2019 15:48

DH offered to get the snip which I gratefully accepted. DC3 is nearly 18 months now and he has done nothing about it.

This is the real issue. Why did he make an offer/promise and then (pardon the expression) withdraw it? You need to talk to each other properly and seriously about this, because while I agree that it's your body and you don't need his 'permission' to use whatever contraception you want, you DO need to both be on the same page.

I also have little sympathy for men who hate using condoms. They really need to get over it.

Halloumimuffin · 12/03/2019 15:49

I've been told that men can feel the coil, so it's possible he would notice.

FooFighter99 · 12/03/2019 15:50

What happens when a condom splits and he panicks and you're like "it's fine, don't worry" and he rushes out to get you the morning after pill and they you sheepishly have to tell him "well actually, I had a coil fitted months ago... but I didn't want to tell you so you'd keep using condoms and I could avoid the clean up"

How shit are you going to feel then?

Just bloody talk to him! He's your DH for crying out loud.

If you can't have an honest discussion with him then you're in the wrong bloody relationship

excitedtobehere · 12/03/2019 15:52

Book your DH an appointment with his GP or get referral for the snip. He has already agreed. 🤷‍♂️

Badwifey · 12/03/2019 15:54

I personally wouldn't get it. I had one fitted after my dd and had an awful experience with it. It actually made me suicidal. Once it was removed my moods returned to normal.

I would carry on with condoms. I think if you have it you might let him away without a condom in the heat of the moment occasionally, I know I would, and then he will never get the vasectomy...

NunoGoncalves · 12/03/2019 15:54

I would feel pretty crappy if I felt like my DH and I couldn't have a mature conversation about something like this beyond "I'll get a vasectomy" followed by never getting a vasectomy.

LakieLady · 12/03/2019 15:56

I would talk to him about sorting the snip rather than lie, tbh. And in the meantime, carry on with the condoms.

drunkenflamingo2 · 12/03/2019 16:00

DP had baby number 2 with his ex-wife in 2005. He swore blind he wanted no more babies and was going to have the snip. Didn't bother. Fast forward to 2017, I'm pregnant and has was pissed off about it.

It was very, very stressful and I'm convinced the depression I suffered in pregnancy was partially down to this.

Do what you need to do to look after yourself, you don't need to tell DP in my opinion. Ultimately it's his body and if he has the right to say he doesn't want to even if he has already said he will.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 12/03/2019 16:00

just withold sex, surely?

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