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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep secret from DH

121 replies

Ladyinglitter · 12/03/2019 15:18

So I haven't done this yet but am thinking about it. Namechanged as a bit outing

We have 3DCs and don't want more children. Up to now I have always been in charge of contraception. when I was pregnant, DH offered to get the snip which I gratefully accepted. DC3 is nearly 18 months now and he has done nothing about it. We are using condoms which he hates but I don't mind. However, I want to be really sure I won't get pregnant so am thinking of getting a Merina fitted again.

If I tell him, he will stop using condoms and never get the vasectomy he promised. The only leverage I have is that he hates using condoms.

WIBU to get the coil and not tell him?

OP posts:
Gentlemanwiththistledownhair · 12/03/2019 17:05

Jaques not just full of hormones, but also the discomfort of having a coil / implant fitted and the potential side effects. Funny how when it’s women’s quality of life it’s “just something that happens” but when it’s men they’re pathetic about it.

Sorry, rant over Blush

JacquesHammer · 12/03/2019 17:06

not just full of hormones, but also the discomfort of having a coil / implant fitted and the potential side effects. Funny how when it’s women’s quality of life it’s “just something that happens” but when it’s men they’re pathetic about it

No absolutely agreed. I was more using “hormones” as a catch all for majority of female contraception!

MaisyMary77 · 12/03/2019 17:14

My dh could feel the coil-I ended up having it removed as he said it hurt him and would refuse to come near me. I now have the nexoplanon arm implant.

7Pip · 12/03/2019 17:15

I'd be having a firm conversation. Tell him to make the appointment tomorrow. If he doesn't follow through with it, I would have absolutely no qualms about getting the coil fitted AND using condoms. And I'd tell him too!

PiebaldHamster · 12/03/2019 17:18

I had to have the strings trimmed on mine twice because DH could feel them, even after they told us to have loads of sex to soften them, you wouldn't want to have sex with your dick getting stabbed. So for that reason alone I wouldn't have it because he could possibly feel them. I'd stick with condoms.

SparkiePolastri · 12/03/2019 17:21

FWIW 2 the idea of anyone taking a scapel to my nuts err no thanlks;!!

You do realise this makes you a bit pathetic, and you're shown up by all the men are are ready and able to to it?

IncrediblySadToo · 12/03/2019 17:29

YANBU not to tell him. However, I wouldn’t get it done.

I would tell him that I think I’m pregnant. See what his reaction is. If it’s one if shock and horror, tell him THAT is why PIV sex is completely off the table until he gets a vasectomy, because neither of you want another baby and YOU do not plan on having a termination.

His turn to step up. It doesn’t matter that he’s a Dr avoider, YOU have gone through a lot to have your children, it’s his turn to step
up as he said he would.

Stop enabling him to back track on it.

SparkiePolastri · 12/03/2019 17:32

He's only a Dr avoider because he can be.

As a woman, you can't be.

EvaHarknessRose · 12/03/2019 17:46

Yes. I would be feeling a bit like I might be pregnant and wondering about getting some pregnancy tests. You could really have some fun with that.

Purpleartichoke · 12/03/2019 18:20

I think this is one rare scenario where lying by omission to your spouse is perfectly acceptable

Justaboy · 12/03/2019 18:52

You do realise this makes you a bit pathetic, and you're shown up by all the men are are ready and able to to it?

Yes possibly but it isn't really a problem anymore and it wasn't really a problem then as my then wife had a coil and that suited her fine and in all, no need over many years.

I do however know Three men who did have the snip and they had quite a lot of problems afterwards and hearing them going on about their issues it does make you want to avoid having the same done. Have been involved in some other scary episodes so not a wuss or pathetic thanks.

But these days no real chance of getting any lady up the duffington only one FWB who we meet up with now and again, and shes post menopause.

But yes it is always a bigger problem for women and theres no real problem free answer to contraception, that yet remains to be devloped.

JacquesHammer · 12/03/2019 18:55

But these days no real chance of getting any lady up the duffington only one FWB who we meet up with now and again, and shes post menopause

Dude I think your turn of phrase is the best contraception you could employ

BlackPrism · 12/03/2019 19:00

@FooFighter99 don't you have to take the pill in front of the pharmacist? I always have had to...
Either way I'd just say thanks can you get me some water and then not take it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2019 19:24

FWIW 2 the idea of anyone taking a scapel to my nuts err no thanlks;!!

Oddly my DH cared about the pain I went through during childbirth. He would rather deal with the pain of a vasectomy than risking an unwanted pregnancy and painful childbirth. But he's a grown up.

SparkiePolastri · 12/03/2019 20:17

I do however know Three men who did have the snip and they had quite a lot of problems afterwards and hearing them going on about their issues it does make you want to avoid having the same done.

No - it makes YOU want to avoid it. Not decent men.

On the flip side, every woman I know has had complications with contraception / pregnancy and/or childbirth, so I'm sticking with my opinion that men who opt out are wusses, and yes, pathetic.

Unlike men, women can't avoid the issue, so men who opt to avoid it and leave it all to women are definitely wusses.

blockedoffandfuckedoff · 12/03/2019 20:20

Sorry but I’d tell him.

If the shoe were on the other foot and a man came on here to say he’d tricked his wife then the whole place would be in an uproar Hmm

bobstersmum · 12/03/2019 20:22

Are you me? This is exactly my situation! Do it. I was going to ask about the copper coil though. Why can't men step up and have a simple procedure? I have been sewn up 3 times after birth, it's the least my dh could do!

Ozziewozzie · 12/03/2019 20:30

Each individual is responsible for contraception.
Let's say you don't get the cool and you forget to use condomn, it's your body that will get pregnant. It's your body which could potentially have a termination.

I would personally have a coil. Or you instigate the vasectomy appt yourself and drag him along. Grin

Ozziewozzie · 12/03/2019 20:35

@blockedoffandfuckedoff

I disagree. A guy ejaculates into a woman. A woman can get pregnant. A woman doesn't ejaculate anything inside a man and a man can't get pregnant.
Theyve both agreed they don't want more children. The op is ensuring that is the reality by herself as her husband hasn't done what he's agreed to. Condomns split or are forgotten. The coil with condomns is much more reliable.

Original poster
Ladyinglitter · 12/03/2019 22:06

So we have had another frank conversation. The vasectomy is not happening. He says he offered on the spur of the moment and now doesn't feel comfortable about it. He doesn't feel comfortable undergoing a medical procedure (which is a bit rich, given that I have had 2 csecs and an foreceps for our family)

He would rather continue to use condoms.

I will get the coil and not say anything to him. I am not willing to take risks but I am also not willing to absolve him of responsibility.

Sex is too good to withhold it and he can deal with the cleanup.

I know he will get a lot of disapproval from you guys but short of taking a hatchet to his balls myself, there is not a lot I can do Hmm

OP posts:
YourSarcasmIsDripping · 12/03/2019 22:08

Aaand...there it is. At least now you know for sure. I mean it was obvious but he came out and said it, so you can do what's best for you and the situation guilt free.

HoraceCope · 12/03/2019 22:11

thing is the snip is not reversible, a coil is

Nousernameforme · 12/03/2019 22:12

Well there is another option. You could get your tubes tied. Granted its not as easy as a vasectomy but its a another idea

SparkiePolastri · 12/03/2019 22:14

Wow.

In your shoes, that would be contraception sorted for me right there. I just wouldn't want to, with such a man.

stellarfox · 12/03/2019 22:22

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him not wanting a vesectomy. It’s a big thing and difficult to reverse should he ever want to do that. Glad you had a discussion with him about it. You probably don’t need to get a coil as well as using condoms as they are quite reliable aren’t they?

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